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Am I Losing Myself

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GalaxyDreamer90

Senior Member
I'm going to talk to the school counselor soon about this, but I thought I would get your input first. Sorry if I keep going off topic but I dont know where to post this. All of a sudden I feel like I'm losing who I really am and I'm sure it's because of the medication I'm on because people keep thinking I'm mental though I'm not. I want to be upset right now and cry but I just cant find it in me to cry. It's as if I'm becoming numb like everyone else wants me to be and it scares me. I want to be myself and emotional not what others want me to be. What can I do. I could tell my doctor about this Friday when I see him, but I doubt he will get me off the medications for feeling numb. I think that's what he wants from me anyway. What should I do. I'm so scared I'm losing myself. I could try to stop taking the pills but since I still live with my parents they would eventually find out anyway, but I feel as though the pills are taking away who I am inside.
 
Hi GalaxyDreamer, it's not easy to give you advice. You are talking about pills and side-effects. The best person to talk with is your doctor.
Sometimes it's worse to stop with pills too soon. Sometimes your body has to adjust itself to them and it needs some more time. Sometimes it takes time to find out the exact prescription for your body. Sometimes the side-effects are worse than the profits. And sometimes you just endure some side-effects because the overall effects benefit you more.
It's a process that needs time. Feeling numb is awful but still, the best person to talk to is your doctor. With her or him you should talk about the pros and cons of your medication.
 
Okay I'll be sure to talk to my doctor about how I feel the medications I'm on are making me emotionless. I still doubt he will get me off the medications though he did manage to get me off one medication, but it took a long time for him to get me off the medication and he got me off it because he was starting to get concerned it was causing me to gain weight. Since I've been off I have lost some weight, but I really think the reason I gained so much weight was being in college for so long especially since I didn't know what I wanted to major in first and ended up switching majors a few time. That is why I dont reccomend going to college right after high school because at 18/19 years old you dont really know what you want to do in life. I didn't know I wanted to be a graphic designer until just a few years ago when I was about 25 and it wasnt until just recently I realized I want to eventually marry and have kids sometime after I graduate from college, which will hopefully be next spring.
 
I finally manage to cry a little, which felt kind of good, but unfortunately I wasnt able to cry that much. I kind of would like to be able to cry more when I'm sad.
 
I talked to my counselor about how I feel like I'm losing my emotions and I'm starting to see that I need all my emotions both good and bad and while I can feel sad sometimes it shouldn't be the only emotion I want to feel.
 
RedSunshine said:
crying really helps, it's not a sign of weakness like other people says
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As I read once in a webcomic called Dominic Deegan, Oracle for Hire: Crying is like puking for the soul. It isn't a weekness to cry. Sometime it's just the way emotions get out. People don't mind laughing, screaming, heck, some don't even mind hitting people (but I do).SO why should we consider crying a weekness? Maybe it's due to our mentality and teaching. We were thought that we "cannot cry", we cannot show weekness. Unfortunately, the soul is like any other part of who we are. Our current vessel (our body) when broken, can be mend and repaired. A cast here, some sleep there and we are fixed. For our heart, our soul, we can't use a cast. We can't just go in surgery and have it repair. It has to heal in it's own way.
And I can understand you are afraid of loosing yourself. Some are highly sensitive people and they feel the state this world is in and they just feel helpless; unable to help. The curent world is in a state or technology, rationality, thinking, proofs... People are greedy, need more and more, destroy the planet in the process and here we are, after several or a few lives, feeling what is going on.And we feel like this world is not going in the right direction. So, we shut down somehow. And that is when we are given pills. That is because we can't live in this world that is our own because we can't be ourself. And when being who we are, we are critised by almost everyone as "not being logical", "not thinking straight", "not being rational", thet "It's not how the world works".
So we hang on. And we break. And we need to cry. We need to let ourself cry. But often, we have conscious barrier in our mind telling us "not to cry", even though we want. What I do is meditation. I also use "The chair" exercise (Imagine your pain on a chairand just tell it everything you have to tell it). There is also hiting a pillow, screaming in a pillow. Usually, that can tire me enough and make me cry. I don't know if it will help you, but I hope you keep yourself grounded good.
 
I still sometimes feel as though I'm losing myself because I'm not as emotional. I feel it's because people dont accept my emotions so I keep them to myself.
 
GalaxyDreamer90 said:
Why would you think I have a mental disability. Do you really think I'm that stupid. Why do people keep thinking I'm mental.
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I genuinely and sincerely apologise, GalaxyDreamer90. You mentioned being on meds, and they are only prescribed if someone suffers an illness. No offence intended. I had it in mind that something might help, but it won't apply to you if you aren't actually ill.

Best wishes,

Angie
 
I'm only on medication because people keep thinking I'm mental, but I'm not about to accept that I'm weak and useless and shouldn't even exist.
 
People on medication aren't weak, useless and shouldn't exist.

I don't know if your judging them or judging yourself GalaxyDreamer but your wrong there. Many people on medication lead productive lives. Many more have their experiences to offer.
 
GalaxyDreamer90 said:
I'm only on medication because people keep thinking I'm mental, but I'm not about to accept that I'm weak and useless and shouldn't even exist.
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Anyone can be ill in mind just as easily as be ill in body. No shame in it, especially not these days. A tiny few ignorant bullies might think so, but they are the sort who would say nasty things to people who need glasses (like 'four eyes') or hair or skin colour. That sort try to elevate themselves by demeaning others and deserve to be ignored.

I shall delete my first comment as it clearly offended you.

Why would anyone think you shouldn't exist?
 
Perhaps you have a point. I sometimes feel as though I shouldn't exist because I keep thinking I'm stupid. But then again maybe I'm not stupid like I think I am. I'm in college and getting mostly B's in my classes also though I don't entirely know what it is yet I feel as though I have a purpose in this life.
 
GalaxyDreamer90 said:
Perhaps you have a point. I sometimes feel as though I shouldn't exist because I keep thinking I'm stupid. But then again maybe I'm not stupid like I think I am. I'm in college and getting mostly B's in my classes also though I don't entirely know what it is yet I feel as though I have a purpose in this life.
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Is there a reason you think you are stupid, when clearly you are not? When did you start to think it? Why? Did someone keep saying you were?
 
I guess I think I'm stupid because I was put in special ed as a little kid. Also my older sisters probably called me stupid when I was growing up.
 
GalaxyDreamer90 said:
I guess I think I'm stupid because I was put in special ed as a little kid. Also my older sisters probably called me stupid when I was growing up.
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Sounds like you took it to heart too much when your sisters called you names. Siblings do that - sometimes even when adults when they should act more mature. Sibling rivalry. It's usual. Can you know that, and let it go from your heart and mind?
Having special education could have been a result of missing school and learning due to illness, I don't know. However, you have obviously caught up and are doing well. I never gained a B in anything except for English language during my last year, when I was 15 (we could leave school at 15 in the UK, until the early 1970's). I was a 'late learner', my father told me he was, and he became highly intelligent and an IQ test in my 30's showed 135. So being a late learner doesn't ruin your life. You'll be ok. You simply needed to know that.

As for shouldn't be here, was that from your own thinking or again, something or things said by others?

Best wishes,

Angela
 
I suppose I could let go of my sisters calling me stupid. As for special ed I was put in there because people think I'm ADHD or autistic or something. I don't understand why though if I'm so smart. If I'm so smart where I'm getting good grades in college I cant possibly be autistic. As for not being here I guess I picked that up from how they use to think that of disabled people in the past.
 
GalaxyDreamer90 said:
I suppose I could let go of my sisters calling me stupid. As for special ed I was put in there because people think I'm ADHD or autistic or something. I don't understand why though if I'm so smart. If I'm so smart where I'm getting good grades in college I cant possibly be autistic. As for not being here I guess I picked that up from how they use to think that of disabled people in the past.
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Your sisters were only doing what most siblings do, so it's good you can let go of it.

Maybe you're in the States? I don't know how well Aspergers syndrome/Autism is undestood there. In the UK, most people are educated to know that there is no relation between Aspergers/Autism and intelligence. Some very brilliant people in the past and high IQ people now are Autistic. Scientists, physicists, computer programmers, software writers, accountants, auditors. They merely needed to learn in a different way to a lot of other people is all. To be in smaller, more quiet classrooms, to go at their own pace, to be around people who knew they don't much like eye to eye contact and confrontation, to have a good routine and not have sudden unexpected changes that make them anxious, or sometimes even planned changes. In the UK, children with the condition aren't looked down on - except by the very ignorant, and for decades now most attend mainstream schools and maybe have a bit of extra one to one time with a classroom assistant and perhaps take some of the schoolwork home with them for parents or grandparents to help with if they need help, or to do on their own at home if that's how they learn best.

IF you have Aspergers/Autism then I wouldn't have known from the way you write and communicate on here, and i've read and liked quite a number of your posts to now. So IF you have then it doesn't seem too severe.
As I said, in the UK we don't have an attitude against it. Maybe fewer people there judge it than you think.

What are you studying at college, may I ask?

Best wishes,

Angie
 
I'm still a little unsure that having autism is actually okay. Still seems like a negative label to me. This might sound weird but all my life I wanted to be like a super hero and different in a good way not a bad way. I still dont see autism as different in a good way. By the way I was studying graphic design but I recently changed my major to fine arts.
 
My daughters half brother is autistic. I just think it's a shame the little fella can't be like other kids. Its hardly a stigma. Its just something some people have to deal with.
 
GalaxyDreamer90 said:
I'm still a little unsure that having autism is actually okay. Still seems like a negative label to me. This might sound weird but all my life I wanted to be like a super hero and different in a good way not a bad way. I still dont see autism as different in a good way. By the way I was studying graphic design but I recently changed my major to fine arts.
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It isn't a bad thing. It is limiting on some things socially, depending on severity. From what I know, the less severe have the problem of taking metaphors as statements. E.G. A child told to pull their socks up (as in get on with schoolwork) might bend down and literally pull up their already pulled up socks, and 'use some elbow grease' (in the UK means use a bit of strength, maybe when cleaning a pan) will leave someone with autism confused until they know what the adage means.

I'd love to have done art, but was never talented enough. Do you prefer people, animals, scenes?

Best wishes,

Angela
 
I still am not convinced autism is a good thing. How can not being able to make friends be a good thing. By the way I usually draw anime/manga style though I dont like anime/manga as much these days. I'm more into drawing it. I would like to make a manga but I doubt I'd ever be successful.
 
GalaxyDreamer90 said:
I still am not convinced autism is a good thing. How can not being able to make friends be a good thing. By the way I usually draw anime/manga style though I dont like anime/manga as much these days. I'm more into drawing it. I would like to make a manga but I doubt I'd ever be successful.
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Im into Pop art, and such, including graffti style art myself, got a A level in art
 
Autists can make good friendships and can be very loyal friends. Ofcourse it is not an homogeneous group, but if you are a high functioning autist there is still a whole world to discover for you. It is also not true that they lack empathy. Some do others don’t.
No matter what you are, it always starts with self knowledge. Determine what works for you and create this world for yourself.
 
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