What did I do to deserve this?

[Zeroturnzed]

I have certain beliefs about our souls and our purpose or goal in this life. I am aware of reincarnation but have never really embraced the idea fully.

I believe that we exist in "heaven" before we exist physically here. I do not believe that our lives are a cosmic joke that we are the butt of or that it is some Karmic slap in the face. We choose our parents, we choose the life situation, economic, race, religious, and/or gender that we are born into.

I shared this with a friend who was struggling as a mother with her children. She couldn't fathom why things in her life were going the way they were. After hearing this idea of personal choices a light blossomed across her face. She changed her attitude about her children and her struggles melted away. She just needed to understand that her children chose her to be their mother.

I believe that we take full responsibility for our physical life before we enter the human form. God and each soul come to an agreement for why, who, what, and where we are to exist. I believe that souls have gender in as far as your basic being. I believe that when a female soul or male soul incarnates into the opposite body that this is part of the contract with God. You are here to learn something related to the body that you are born into. You chose to do this. If you fail the assignment then maybe you will have to repeat the assignment in another lifetime or maybe you will just accept that you cannot learn this lesson.

 

[KenJ]

Welcome Zeroturnzed, your views are shared by many that have posted here. It is gratifying that the simple understanding helped the mother you mentioned, reframing something is an effective therapeutic tactic. There is a thread here about differing views about souls having gender that you might find interesting.

 

[landsend]

Having a body which doesn’t match your inner gender is something I know a lot about. I know I chose a female body, or at least had no choice in the matter but felt compulsed to have one either way. I’m not happy about it a good proportion of the time, but can see how in my case it was needed to not repeat past mistakes. Just the same as someone might choose a disabled body for the same reason. Again know about this as my partner has club feet which has restricted his choices in life, including how he was bought up.

 

[TheDivineOne]

Piggybacking off what Landsend said, I also know all too well what it's like to be in a physical body that doesn't coincide with your preferred gender. There are debates all across the forum (or the entire world for that matter) as to whether or not the soul itself has a gender. I, personally, am indifferent on the matter but I will say this: I wouldn't think souls or spirits need genders due to my doubts that spirits "procreate" but again, I am indifferent on the question regarding souls having a gender and I will leave it at that. I do however strongly believe that spirits/souls have a gender they prefer being in over the other. Everyone here is entitled to their opinion and may disagree or agree based on theirs but based on my personal experiences, i am beginning to feel as though me having been born male in this life may've been a "try-out trial"... similar to trying on a new jacket and knowing you don't like it because it's not a good fit for you, you don't like how you look in it, or some other reason. The other reason i think this is i was born male in this life, have a strong aversion to it, and now i know and have learned i want absolutely nothing to do with being male at all, and now I've learned in this life to appreciate being a female for all it's worth... after my transition is complete and in my next life being female anyway. Being transgender in this life has also given me a strong desire to live another incarnation after this, just to experience life as a full-fledged XX female. The reason why I'm sharing this with you is not to make you or anyone else think or feel the same way I do. Everyone with this experience is different and has their own way of going at it. But my thing is, even though I used to refuse what anyone told me about me being transgender was "for a good reason" — and i still very much hate to hear that, much more the fact that i'm saying it myself — i feel it may hold true for anyone with this experience... but only you can find out what that reasoning was.

 

[GalaxyDreamer90]

I do believe we come from "heaven" or as it's called in my religion the summerland or life between lives before we enter this life. I'm suddenly wondering if the forest I seen in my past life regression was actually the summerland or as most call it heaven. When I told my friend about my regression she said what I might be remembering is coming from heaven.

 

[briski]

I believe that you see whatever belief system you have as is the conciousness that survives

 

[GalaxyDreamer90]

As for being born the wrong gender I can only sort of understand that since I dont feel as though I was born the wrong gender. However, if I had been born Male instead of female I really wouldn't of cared. The only thing that might of been different in my life if I had been born a boy would probably of been that i would of got more attention from my dad making my older sisters even more jealous of me so it's a good thing I was born a girl. Anyway I'm happy being female. I also find it amazing being female my body has the means to carry and take care of a baby. Sadly I dont think I'll ever have any children of my own in this life, but I guess that's okay because I have several nieces and nephews plus I'm a mentor for a young girl.

 

[landsend]

Piggybacking off what Landsend said, I also know all too well what it's like to be in a physical body that doesn't coincide with your preferred gender. There are debates all across the forum (or the entire world for that matter) as to whether or not the soul itself has a gender. I, personally, am indifferent on the matter but I will say this: I wouldn't think souls or spirits need genders due to my doubts that spirits "procreate" but again, I am indifferent on the question regarding souls having a gender and I will leave it at that. I do however strongly believe that spirits/souls have a gender they prefer being in over the other. Everyone here is entitled to their opinion and may disagree or agree based on theirs but based on my personal experiences, i am beginning to feel as though me having been born male in this life may've been a "try-out trial"... similar to trying on a new jacket and knowing you don't like it because it's not a good fit for you, you don't like how you look in it, or some other reason. The other reason i think this is i was born male in this life, have a strong aversion to it, and now i know and have learned i want absolutely nothing to do with being male at all, and now I've learned in this life to appreciate being a female for all it's worth... after my transition is complete and in my next life being female anyway. Being transgender in this life has also given me a strong desire to live another incarnation after this, just to experience life as a full-fledged XX female. The reason why I'm sharing this with you is not to make you or anyone else think or feel the same way I do. Everyone with this experience is different and has their own way of going at it. But my thing is, even though I used to refuse what anyone told me about me being transgender was "for a good reason" — and i still very much hate to hear that, much more the fact that i'm saying it myself — i feel it may hold true for anyone with this experience... but only you can find out what that reasoning was.

I understand your feelings, the path to understanding why you are trapped in a body that doesn’t match who you are is very hard to deal with. Plenty of denial, self doubts and ignorance along the way. Even after telling those nearest and dearest that I am transgender, and how I prefer to be known, people still do not take what I say seriously. I’ve been living a kind of fugitive exsistance my whole life. Part of me sometimes thinks one of the reason I chose this body and circumstances was to hide. I accumulated so much pain in my last life that I wanted nothing more of it, being in this body I was able to hide at least till my teenage years from that pain, and then deseperately tried to keep hiding till I was 26 when the lid finally blew off. So can a soul choose a body because they are so traumatised that they choose a safe option? Of course in the long run it’s not the easy option. It’s the hard option. Now I miss my physical self how it was. But then I was able to give birth to my kids and experience that, which gave me a greater appreciation for life. I think that the answers to why we choose a certain body over another are probably many fold.

I don’t believe souls have genders either in the way we do as physical beings, as you say they have a preferred gender and also an ‘energy’ that reflects that. Blends of masculine and feminine energy but not a physical sex.

 

[Zeroturnzed]

You may be right that for you the lesson may have been to appreciate being female by experiencing what being male is like. By making that realization you may have completed that lesson. It makes me wonder if some of the women I hear complaining about how being a man would be so much easier, will get the opportunity to find out whether that is true for them.

 

[Zeroturnzed]

Welcome Zeroturnzed, your views are shared by many that have posted here. It is gratifying that the simple understanding helped the mother you mentioned, reframing something is an effective therapeutic tactic. There is a thread here about differing views about souls having gender that you might find interesting.

Thank you for the welcome. What does anyone think about the "Non-Binaries", are they for real or are they just playing with the whole LGBTQ etc to throw a wrench into the gears? To be non-binary that is gender neutral so reassignment surgery would consist of removing all body parts that would identify as male or female?

 

[landsend]

Thank you for the welcome. What does anyone think about the "Non-Binaries", are they for real or are they just playing with the whole LGBTQ etc to throw a wrench into the gears? To be non-binary that is gender neutral so reassignment surgery would consist of removing all body parts that would identify as male or female?

Being non-binary is way more complicated than that. Like sexuality, gender is a spectrum. You can fall on either side or somewhere along the lines or neither. People who are non binary feel themselves different to their birth gender but not necessarily all the way on the other side. It’s not about making their body non gendered unless that is what they want. It’s about aligning their body to their internal body image and making their outward appearance more ‘themself’.

That can involve hormones or surgery or neither. It may just involve being recognised for who they are through pronoun / names changes, not having gender expectations thrown on them and dressing their appearance how they want.

 

[landsend]

You may be right that for you the lesson may have been to appreciate being female by experiencing what being male is like. By making that realization you may have completed that lesson. It makes me wonder if some of the women I here complaining about how being a man would be so much easier, will get the opportunity to find out whether that is true for them.

I’ve been male in more than one life. Being male is my preferred expression. Despite trying I’ve never seen things from a female perspective in this life, despite having been in female roles. My mind is masculine. Therefore I have taken on female roles with a male mind. I’ve not seen things through a woman’s eyes, but through a woman’s mask. There is a difference.

 

[Zeroturnzed]

Being non-binary is way more complicated than that. Like sexuality, gender is a spectrum. You can fall on either side or somewhere along the lines or neither. People who are non binary feel themselves different to their birth gender but not necessarily all the way on the other side. It’s not about making their body non gendered unless that is what they want. It’s about aligning their body to their internal body image and making their outward appearance more ‘themself’.

That can involve hormones or surgery or neither. It may just involve being recognised for who they are through pronoun / names changes, not having gender expectations thrown on them and dressing their appearance how they want.

I may be non-binary by your definition, because I don't think like a man or a woman. I don't understand completely either mental state. Men say and do things and think things that never occur to me as a valid choice and the same thing goes for women. Both say, do, and express thought processes that I find are absolutely bonkers. I'll give an example, my first wife instigated an arguement with another woman. The other woman's husband decided that he needed to beat me up in defense of his wife. Mind you, I was in no way privy to what was going on until the husband comes to beat me down and even then I didn't know why I was in fight. After the fight my wife was mad at me for not rushing to her rescue and beat the other woman and her husband. I told my wife not to start a fight that I was going to have to finish. If she couldn't defend herself to keep her mouth shut. I asked the husband what the hell was wrong with him. He said a man has to defend his spouse no matter what. I said so if your wife murders another woman you are obligated to murder the rest of the woman's family to keep them from coming after your wife. His answer was yes and other men listening in agreed with him. I don't get it.

 

[landsend]

This is an interesting discussion, I enjoy discussing gender with folks. And think that here is a good place to see a different side to it.

Let's not confuse gender stereotypes/roles with gender itself, though. I understand what you are saying, @Zeroturnzed. IMO, in that case you chose not to act violently, which takes a lot of spiritual awareness if anything. For me that's something that goes beyond 'gender'. We need to, as a society, turn away from toxic expectations of gender roles such as violence. For men it is much easier to act with violence, in part because men often repress their emotions which in turn leads to anger. There is also the basal level, the animal inside us, which needs to be kept in control. Hence why it's easier to act violently as a group than as an individual -- the animal in us recognises the tribal need for war.

I do think that the soul does have an 'energy'. If you have any psychic ability you recognise when the spirit/soul is either masculine or feminine, even if you can not actually see it with your own eyes. Often this energy is a mix, or blend of masculinity and femininity.

Even a person who reincarnates a lot in one gender, and then flips to the other may not experience gender dysphoria. It is a probability but not a given. What causes people to be transgender is not fully known, but there is a line of thinking that it develops in the womb. Gender is a very internal thing, it is in your brain and how you see yourself. One of the most compelling related phenomena I read was about the extraordinary case of the 'Guevedoces' (https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-34290981) These are boys which are, for all intents and purposes, born looking like physical girls. They lacked the enzyme during the womb which stopped them properly developing into boys. They are bought up unknowingly as girls, but even so, most of them resisted it and acted like boys (preferring to play football, etc). When they turned 12, when puberty hits, they effectively become boys as their parts begin to develop. Most of them go on then to live the rest of their days as boys, despite being a 'girl' for the first part of their lives.

Being transgender is very similar to that. Something occurs on a genetic level that aligns people with a sex, even if it doesn't match their biological outline.

 

[Ministargazer]

I have certain beliefs about our souls and our purpose or goal in this life. I am aware of reincarnation but have never really embraced the idea fully.

I believe that we exist in "heaven" before we exist physically here. I do not believe that our lives are a cosmic joke that we are the butt of or that it is some Karmic slap in the face. We choose our parents, we choose the life situation, economic, race, religious, and/or gender that we are born into.

I shared this with a friend who was struggling as a mother with her children. She couldn't fathom why things in her life were going the way they were. After hearing this idea of personal choices a light blossomed across her face. She changed her attitude about her children and her struggles melted away. She just needed to understand that her children chose her to be their mother.

I believe that we take full responsibility for our physical life before we enter the human form. God and each soul come to an agreement for why, who, what, and where we are to exist. I believe that souls have gender in as far as your basic being. I believe that when a female soul or male soul incarnates into the opposite body that this is part of the contract with God. You are here to learn something related to the body that you are born into. You chose to do this. If you fail the assignment then maybe you will have to repeat the assignment in another lifetime or maybe you will just accept that you cannot learn this lesson.

I'm just wondering Zeroturnzed, what about the evidence and work that has being done to prove reincarnation, the emotions, the flashbacks and talents that have been carried through from one lifetime to the next (otherwise, where would they come from) and why some people rise, are lucky and others fall. What happens to the murderer? How does he pay for his actions for which he is responsible. Deep questions here.

 

[BenjaminFR]

I'm just wondering Zeroturnzed, what about the evidence and work that has being done to prove reincarnation, the emotions, the flashbacks and talents that have been carried through from one lifetime to the next (otherwise, where would they come from) and why some people rise, are lucky and others fall. What happens to the murderer? How does he pay for his actions for which he is responsible. Deep questions here.

These are indeed deep questions, Ministargazer. I don't really believe that a murderer (as I remember being one, sadly) has to 'pay', however I can testify that there is a very painful process after life to deal with such despicable actions. That being said, I don't think one could see it as a punishment, as I view it as a 100% self-inflicted process of experiencing the pain caused. While my views on Karma are not yet fully formed, I like to believe that a murderer would choose to commit to a future life that would push the overall balance of the Universe in the other direction: "I have killed, I have explored how this killing disrupted the balance of the Universe, when given the chance to come back again on this earth, I will (consciously or not) be a force that will balance the Universe in the opposite direction". How this balancing force is applied, though, can be operated in so many ways...

 

[landsend]

These are indeed deep questions, Ministargazer. I don't really believe that a murdered (as I remember being one, sadly) has to 'pay', however I can testify that there is a very painful process after life to deal with such despicable actions. That being said, I don't think one could see it as a punishment, as I view it as a 100% self-inflicted process of experiencing the pain caused. While my views on Karma are not yet fully formed, I like to believe that a murderer would choose to commit to a future life that would push the overall balance of the Universe in the other direction: "I have killed, I have explored how this killing disrupted the balance of the Universe, when given the chance to come back again on this earth, I will (consciously or not) be a force that will balance the Universe in the opposite direction". How this balancing force is applied, though, can be operated in so many ways...

Benjamin,

I experienced the same as you, being a killer - but I don't recall my after life experience. I can't say for sure what went on there. All I remember is my death, and seeing my body in a morgue, then it goes black.

Did you carry the guilt into this life? Or were those feelings resolved fully for you before coming into this life?

 

[yvettebruneau]

Benjamin, if you're referring to Eugen, then I would not class him as a murderer. He was a soldier, doing his duty for his country.

I can understand that there may be an underlying guilt for all those he killed, but I personally would not class it as murder. Eugen was merely doing what his country, his Fuhrer, expected of him. That should not be punishable by bad karma, or a new life that fits as a punishment. Now, someone like Ted Bundy or Charles Manson, that's a different story. They were murderers, they deserve retribution. Whether in a new life, or the afterlife.

But, soldiers who fought in the theatre of war do not deserve retribution for the lives they ended. As a former victim of the Third Reich, it pains me somewhat to say it, but I cannot merely exclude a certain demographic just because it doesn't suit me. They were all doing their duty, for their country's leaders, from my past-life husband [Free French Legion] to Eugen. I hope you find the peace, and forgiveness within yourself, that a soldier's soul deserves.

 

[landsend]

Yvette,

I understand what you are saying. But, having been a soldier and been in a situation where people were outright murdered -- then it gets complicated. There were situations (with civilians) where they did not have to die. We were following orders, yes -- but perhaps we should have questioned those orders. Those orders, in my case, came from an outside source (a three lettered agency in America who had a lot of involvement in Vietnam). Even if it meant losing all my ranks, and being kicked out of the Army -- it would have spared innocent lives.

Can you see how easily the line blurs?

 

[SeekerOfKnowledge]

I see both your points. Personally I think that your intent matters a lot, and that guilt might come from acting against ones own morals. When you do something you feel is not right out of fear to loose something or to gain something...
I also do not believe in retribution by some outer force, but that our own soul will choose the next life. And that carry-overs are caused when you did something for personal gain or out of fear despite feeling that it was wrong to do so.
If that makes sense.

 

[landsend]

Yes, it makes sense to me. It was not just me, there was maybe five other Americans with me, and what we did was apparently for the benefit of national security (it involved Cambodia, which, if you know anything of the war -- America was not supposed to be involved in). I still don't have the picture clear, but of course what we did was against my morals. Killing innocents, including children, is against my morals and always will be. I wont go into graphic detail here (but perhaps will elaborate on my thread w/o going too graphic) -- all I say is that we were left with very little choice, and, as the the senior ranking, the decision was left to me. It's the kind of decision no one wants to be left with.

Afterwards, whilst cleaning myself up in the nearby river, it felt as if my very soul had left my body and broken off. It felt I'd been broken in two. I was in two minds whether to end my life then and there. Just thinking about it can bring back those powerful emotions. We all thought we'd take that to the grave, and no one would ever know.

 

[BenjaminFR]

Benjamin,

I experienced the same as you, being a killer - but I don't recall my after life experience. I can't say for sure what went on there. All I remember is my death, and seeing my body in a morgue, then it goes black.

Did you carry the guilt into this life? Or were those feelings resolved fully for you before coming into this life?

Oh I did feel enormous amount of guilt. Especially this I had brief flashes of a particular execution that haunted me. But I would say that remembering the journey between lives has been key to understand where that feeling of guilt came from. It was very much a self-inflicted suffering, one that had its source in my own reflection on my actions. Because the young man, whose life I ended, was very kind and noble to come and visit me on the fields I roamed, after death. He taught me a lot about forgiveness.

So, to answer your question, I think I had to reconnect to my eternal self, the one that once was Eugen and now is flowing in me, to understand that I was not to be soiled by this guilt anymore. As I always say, the story had already been written but I was granted the gift of living again, and it was on my life path to confront these memories and overcome them, if I may say.

Because for a while I thought that I would be disrespecting the life I took by letting go of the guilt. It's almost as if I had taken on the duty to feel the guilt, to ask for forgiveness and honour the poor fellow human whose life I ended. But remembering my journey beyond death made me understand that the best tribute I could give to this man and to Life was to live it as bright as I could. Now that I forgave this past, there is still sadness to remember these events, but I do not feel 'guilty' to the point were I suffer. I remember it, and will never forget what happened, but I use it as a fuel to do good around me.

Benjamin, if you're referring to Eugen, then I would not class him as a murderer. He was a soldier, doing his duty for his country.

I can understand that there may be an underlying guilt for all those he killed, but I personally would not class it as murder. Eugen was merely doing what his country, his Fuhrer, expected of him. That should not be punishable by bad karma, or a new life that fits as a punishment. Now, someone like Ted Bundy or Charles Manson, that's a different story. They were murderers, they deserve retribution. Whether in a new life, or the afterlife.

But, soldiers who fought in the theatre of war do not deserve retribution for the lives they ended. As a former victim of the Third Reich, it pains me somewhat to say it, but I cannot merely exclude a certain demographic just because it doesn't suit me. They were all doing their duty, for their country's leaders, from my past-life husband [Free French Legion] to Eugen. I hope you find the peace, and forgiveness within yourself, that a soldier's soul deserves.

I understand your point, and I thank you for what you are saying to me. I understand what you mean when you distinct the actions of a man that took a life under war circumstances, following strict orders and playing his sad part in a sad war - and the actions of a 'true' murderer, who does it for pleasure. You are right in this distinction, but it remains a murder, in the way that Eugen took a life, he ordered it, and passed on the sentence.

On this subject, by the way, I don't think I ever got to express it here but I have memories of when I was on the battlefield, after I died, and some men I saw did not appear as the others: it's almost as if they had been banished. Their appeared dark, only visible through the clothes they wore, and these german soldiers appeared faceless, but carried awful emotions and energy. They were.. I guess you could say evil, pathological killers, they took pleasure in their actions, as some did in our ranks.

I think those souls, very much like the evil characters you mentioned, must be facing a much much tougher path on the afterlife. I remember asking myself in regression over why some men appeared as shadows, and I was answered that those men had been banished. It is the closest definition of 'Hell' that I ever got to witness on my many journeys through the past.

 

[landsend]

I'm glad you found forgiveness, Benjamin. And true forgiveness, which really happens on a totally different level to what we think (you know the usual 'I'm sorry' rarely means anything.) True forgiveness comes from a deep place, I've experienced it before now. I don't think I'd even be living now if I hadn't forgiven some people in my life, and some events in my current life.

I recall prior to the massacre, I recall praying for my soul for mercy, and their souls. I can still remember the exact words. 'Lord have mercy on their souls, and Lord have mercy on my own.' Most of us were so sickened by what we had to do that we couldn't stomach it. It still makes me feel sick, just to type these words and remember even a fragment of it. What troubles me most of all is that I still don't see any other way. I was a product of that machine. There's anger still towards those who put me/us in that position. There's a lot of anger thinking on how they then abandoned us, leaving us to rot away. There's anger surrounding my death, which remains unresolved.

In my day to day life, if you met me, you'd have no clue I was carrying this with me. I always thought I'd come a long way to be where I am now. I thought I had forgiven, but I never wanted to look at my past life in Vietnam. Facing the horror -- there are no words. And the journey to forgiving and moving beyond that horror is the hardest task of all.

 

[Zeroturnzed]

Murder is one thing and killing is another. It has to do with intent. Anyone can say if I have to I will to protect myself or my family. Until you have to squeeze the trigger you don't know if you will or not. It is easier to get the soldiers to kill on command if you have effectively painted the enemy as some inhuman kind of monster. If we can stop seeing the other side as monsters and see them as husbands, sons, brothers, fathers, etc. then maybe we have a chance to depart and never return. Living a physical existence is very hard.