L
Li. La.
Guest
Hello,
I've been written earlier about experiencing a past life as "Laura", a girl probably born into the Mormon religion.
In past life meditations and dreams I have experienced the death of her first husband. He was a ranch owner and was in WW1 and returned from the war with an injury. It is his death that is now causing me to feel quilt and I have difficulty moving on.
Please let me just share the background story to what led up to this:
During the war there was a break up, my husband left me because he wanted me back home where he felt I would be safe - and not working as a form of sister or nurse in potential danger. He did not understand that I was on a mission and part of a group and could not just return home just because he told me to. He broke my heart when he left me like that.
During our time apart since he had left me I became close with another soldier and we fell in love. I received a letter from the soldier before the news came of his death in battle. I kept that letter.
At some point after that my husband reached out to me. I received bunch of letters all saying pretty much the same thing. He wanted me back. We reconciled and went home to live on the ranch. We had a baby boy, but he died very young. Before that - before the war even I think - we had a baby girl but she was born premature. She was buried on our land.
My husband had had another tragedy happening before we met. He lost his first wife whilst traveling. One time when he had high fever he talked about wanting to find her; find where she was buried but he couldn't. It haunted him that she was buried there all alone. I think she died from blood poisoning.
I took the loss of the children very bad and it made me turn my back on my Mormon faith for a while. There was this moment when I thought of cutting my wrists with a knife; when my husband sneaked up on me, got hold of the knife and threw it aside. My husband wanted more children, but I was afraid to become pregnant again - to have a child and then to loose it. I rejected him and he let me be. I thought it would give him reason enough to divorce me, but he didn't. I think he thought that with time I would change my mind and feel better.
One evening my husband found the letter the soldier had written me. I had kept it in our home, in secret. My husband had never known of the true nature of the relationship but it became evident to him after reading the letter. Even though years had passed he became enraged. I had made it right in my head before on keeping the letter - because my husband had kept a photograph of his first wife. He never talked otherwise of his dead wife and I never talked about the soldier.
During the fight he got hold of my arm. I was pushed to the wall. He kept a fist close to my face talking about what he wanted to do to the soldier and if I was a man. I got hold of his fist and bit real hard. He dragged me out to the stall where the horses were kept. Said something about horses that bite and that I was a horse then. He took a rope around my wrists and got me trapped to the wall. Then he walked out. I feared he would return with a horse whip that he had used earlier on a horse to hit me with. He didn't. When he returned he had calmed down and untied me. Then in the middle of the night I got up as he was asleep, got my dress and shoes and sneaked out into the night. I headed for the stall to get to a horse to get me out of there.
I lived with a family that had a friend or relative, a man, who was a frequent visitor. One time as I was serving them food he caught a glimpse of the marks around my wrists (after the rope in the stall). I pretended as if it was not shown and he did not comment on it. We all sat down to eat.
One time, in the same quite small dining room my estranged husband came to visit. He was dressed up in formal clothing, as well was I. Neither of us looked like we used to look in our every day life on the ranch. Things started out civilized but I was afraid of him and could not bare the thought of returning home to the ranch. I called it "the house of death". We talked of divorce and he said that the shame would be more on me than on him. Instead he suggested that we would see each other now and then. He had before come from a home where he protected his mother and siblings from a father who was violent. In time he was most likely seen as a threat to the father and was thrown out. As a youngster he had gotten in trouble and got jailed for a time. This was all in the past and he gave thanks to a person who was a Mormon who had helped turn his life around when he had had nowhere to go. Before in our past he had then promised, very early on, that he would never lay a hand on me. My husband wanted us to reconcile. That in time I would feel different.
So that was the background. Then I remember returning to the ranch. A man drove the carriage. Possibly the man who was the frequent visitor from before. The sight of my husband being hanged in a tree outside the house devastated me. I never saw the man who was with me cut him down.
There was a head injury in the back of my husband's lifeless body. At the time it was thought that he got it after the man got down his body and the head hit the ground at some point.
Then I remember leaving by boat and the frequent visitor saw me off, but looked serious and at the sight of him I left where people were waving about and got further into the boat. I did not wave nor smile to him. I had a bitter taste in my mouth.
Before that there was talk that the Mormon people, friends, tried to convince me to marry this man because it was unsafe for me to go out on a mission alone and to travel alone. I did not want to. One time to just see the expression of his face I could hardly retain the bitter tone of my voice when I said that my husband had not been dead for a year even. I think I was looking for some kind of response in his eyes.
Thoughts of what had really happened to my husband would not leave me alone, just like it is not leaving me alone now. I think it is possible that he was hit in the back of his head by the man who was the frequent visitor and who came with me back to the ranch. I know it is perhaps just a strong feeling, but yet I can't get rid of it. If he was hit in the back of the head it could have happened because he got into a fight with the frequent visitor or perhaps most likely was surprised being attacked from behind. The reason I think the frequent visitor could have done this is because he got the image that I was a battered wife and was on my way to reconcile with my husband; whilst he perhaps had a plan on his own. Also it could very well have been that the frequent visitor was totally innocent and I just had difficulty accepting my husband's suicide.
What is worse is that the husband fits into the description my young daughter has given multiple times about seeing a ghost, as well as a certain smell that I relate to the ghost and to my pl husband. This ghost has visited me for years and years. It is only recent time when I have connected him to have been the pl husband.
I just don't know what to do. I would really appreciate your thoughts on this. Thank you.
Best Wishes
Li La
I've been written earlier about experiencing a past life as "Laura", a girl probably born into the Mormon religion.
In past life meditations and dreams I have experienced the death of her first husband. He was a ranch owner and was in WW1 and returned from the war with an injury. It is his death that is now causing me to feel quilt and I have difficulty moving on.
Please let me just share the background story to what led up to this:
During the war there was a break up, my husband left me because he wanted me back home where he felt I would be safe - and not working as a form of sister or nurse in potential danger. He did not understand that I was on a mission and part of a group and could not just return home just because he told me to. He broke my heart when he left me like that.
During our time apart since he had left me I became close with another soldier and we fell in love. I received a letter from the soldier before the news came of his death in battle. I kept that letter.
At some point after that my husband reached out to me. I received bunch of letters all saying pretty much the same thing. He wanted me back. We reconciled and went home to live on the ranch. We had a baby boy, but he died very young. Before that - before the war even I think - we had a baby girl but she was born premature. She was buried on our land.
My husband had had another tragedy happening before we met. He lost his first wife whilst traveling. One time when he had high fever he talked about wanting to find her; find where she was buried but he couldn't. It haunted him that she was buried there all alone. I think she died from blood poisoning.
I took the loss of the children very bad and it made me turn my back on my Mormon faith for a while. There was this moment when I thought of cutting my wrists with a knife; when my husband sneaked up on me, got hold of the knife and threw it aside. My husband wanted more children, but I was afraid to become pregnant again - to have a child and then to loose it. I rejected him and he let me be. I thought it would give him reason enough to divorce me, but he didn't. I think he thought that with time I would change my mind and feel better.
One evening my husband found the letter the soldier had written me. I had kept it in our home, in secret. My husband had never known of the true nature of the relationship but it became evident to him after reading the letter. Even though years had passed he became enraged. I had made it right in my head before on keeping the letter - because my husband had kept a photograph of his first wife. He never talked otherwise of his dead wife and I never talked about the soldier.
During the fight he got hold of my arm. I was pushed to the wall. He kept a fist close to my face talking about what he wanted to do to the soldier and if I was a man. I got hold of his fist and bit real hard. He dragged me out to the stall where the horses were kept. Said something about horses that bite and that I was a horse then. He took a rope around my wrists and got me trapped to the wall. Then he walked out. I feared he would return with a horse whip that he had used earlier on a horse to hit me with. He didn't. When he returned he had calmed down and untied me. Then in the middle of the night I got up as he was asleep, got my dress and shoes and sneaked out into the night. I headed for the stall to get to a horse to get me out of there.
I lived with a family that had a friend or relative, a man, who was a frequent visitor. One time as I was serving them food he caught a glimpse of the marks around my wrists (after the rope in the stall). I pretended as if it was not shown and he did not comment on it. We all sat down to eat.
One time, in the same quite small dining room my estranged husband came to visit. He was dressed up in formal clothing, as well was I. Neither of us looked like we used to look in our every day life on the ranch. Things started out civilized but I was afraid of him and could not bare the thought of returning home to the ranch. I called it "the house of death". We talked of divorce and he said that the shame would be more on me than on him. Instead he suggested that we would see each other now and then. He had before come from a home where he protected his mother and siblings from a father who was violent. In time he was most likely seen as a threat to the father and was thrown out. As a youngster he had gotten in trouble and got jailed for a time. This was all in the past and he gave thanks to a person who was a Mormon who had helped turn his life around when he had had nowhere to go. Before in our past he had then promised, very early on, that he would never lay a hand on me. My husband wanted us to reconcile. That in time I would feel different.
So that was the background. Then I remember returning to the ranch. A man drove the carriage. Possibly the man who was the frequent visitor from before. The sight of my husband being hanged in a tree outside the house devastated me. I never saw the man who was with me cut him down.
There was a head injury in the back of my husband's lifeless body. At the time it was thought that he got it after the man got down his body and the head hit the ground at some point.
Then I remember leaving by boat and the frequent visitor saw me off, but looked serious and at the sight of him I left where people were waving about and got further into the boat. I did not wave nor smile to him. I had a bitter taste in my mouth.
Before that there was talk that the Mormon people, friends, tried to convince me to marry this man because it was unsafe for me to go out on a mission alone and to travel alone. I did not want to. One time to just see the expression of his face I could hardly retain the bitter tone of my voice when I said that my husband had not been dead for a year even. I think I was looking for some kind of response in his eyes.
Thoughts of what had really happened to my husband would not leave me alone, just like it is not leaving me alone now. I think it is possible that he was hit in the back of his head by the man who was the frequent visitor and who came with me back to the ranch. I know it is perhaps just a strong feeling, but yet I can't get rid of it. If he was hit in the back of the head it could have happened because he got into a fight with the frequent visitor or perhaps most likely was surprised being attacked from behind. The reason I think the frequent visitor could have done this is because he got the image that I was a battered wife and was on my way to reconcile with my husband; whilst he perhaps had a plan on his own. Also it could very well have been that the frequent visitor was totally innocent and I just had difficulty accepting my husband's suicide.
What is worse is that the husband fits into the description my young daughter has given multiple times about seeing a ghost, as well as a certain smell that I relate to the ghost and to my pl husband. This ghost has visited me for years and years. It is only recent time when I have connected him to have been the pl husband.
I just don't know what to do. I would really appreciate your thoughts on this. Thank you.
Best Wishes
Li La