And just got something like a flash from the life-between-life of one of them. Might be an illusion, question is, what message there is for me to learn from.
Saw myself in an underground place, alone, voices were calling, telling me that I suck, that I did everything wrong, even in the few cases when my intent was genuine, that I caused only suffering for others. All the people who died because of me or were either financially ruined or otherwise had to suffer... my family members whom I hadn't treated like I should. And always, that I will be alone in this Hell of underworld forever, lonely, because everyone is happy that I am dead, everyone loathes me, and I will be forgotten. And the moment I am forgotten, I will be trapped in this place forever. Shouts, cryings, I am protecting my head with my hands, covering my ears... but I know it is true. The voices (people I knew or have heard of) also telling me that I was horrible at something I had thought I was good at and loved doing, and that people just laughed about me. They are telling me how meaningless I really am... how I failed everyone... and so on.
I picture something very similar, only that this time it is a different Hell. There is fire, and I am burning. "You left me rats, you weren't there when I needed you the most." "You brought shame on me and all of us, and I put so much hope in you" "People just laughed at you" (again) "Did you really think anybody would ever respect you?" "People just acted respect for you, because you were getting on their nerves, and because their bellies were already aching from laughing" "You ruined my life, because of you I couldn't live my dream"
While I probably was not exactly that person (zero memories of him anyway) or that other one or ones, it is worth to look at patterns I definitely do share with them. And how this matches my shadow self.
I have failed people or left them rats. I was unable to live up to somebody's expectations. I was selfish. And when I meant it well (or thought I did), I caused suffering. (Jim78 definitely knows this one well.)
I was self-centered and had the tendency to think all too high of myself, something I am overcompensating now. I wanted to be praised for being oh-so-great. I cared so much for being seen as an extraordinary person that I overlooked it when people really needed me. Also might have had a tendency to blame others or "circumstances" for anything that went wrong or for any evil act I committed. Which would explain why I now tend to blame myself for everything.
Not saying that I ever was a famous person. Really, how likely would that be? Me of all people... Not sure it matters anyway what my exact ID was. ID is a temporary thing anyway, it is the ego, not the soul which is eternal. It should be enough that I am more like these people than I would like to. I am more after the patterns anyway. Anything that relates to my shadow or could explain why I sometimes still feel like I do not deserve anything good, that I need to be punished, that I am a piece of XXXX, and so on...
Phew... now how to finally integrate my shadow? I wish to overcome all that. I wish to find balance and peace, because without I cannot care for others the way they deserve it. And when I cannot resolve this, I will have to come back over and over again, will have to deal with the same issues over and over again... might cause even more harm. I wish to break out of this.