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Edited: Past life guilt, insecurity and self-punishment

SeekerOfKnowledge

SeekerOfKnowledge

Learner
Not sure if I ever lived before, I probably fooled myself. I cannot do anything right, it is very likely that this is my first life ever or my first life as a human, at least.
Before I lead even more people astray with my stupid postings, I'd rather leave.
And learn how to be a human.

EDIT: Mods, feel free to move this to a more appropriate location. Or delete it if you think that would be best.
 
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Hi Seeker,

I'm also curious. Why this sudden need to delete everything you have contributed?

Cordially,
S&S
 
Don't be hard on yourself, there is plenty who have been around are struggling as these are not exactly the easiest times with society's machine like expectations on everyone to perform with in unnatural systems. If all else say to hell with it all and go through the rest of your years at your own pace and do your own thing regardless of what others want.
 
Yesterday I did something wrong and felt the urge to punish myself.
Why can't I just function properly and do what is expected with a smile? Others do it, too, and they do not fail all the time.
So in a state of utter self loath, I began deleting and quitting everything that ever meant anything to me and has nothing to do with duty.
Maybe I can do better when there is zero disttraction from doing as supposed, and maybe punishment can push me into trying harder.

These are the reasons why I asked for mz account to be deleted.
 
Seeker,

I get this mindset, I'm a self-destructive person. There's a reason why, when I started having memories of Terry, that I deleted all the snippets that I'd collected in a moment of self-loathing. Really regret that now as it was my first evidence of past life memories...

If it's any consolation, I've deleted posts here before, I've wanted to delete this account, too. I've burnt diaries, I've deleted writing, and would probably wipe myself out of existence if I could at times. Unfortunately proof of reincarnation makes that impossible.

I still struggle accepting my memories despite speaking with living breathing family members and having direct validation. Every day pretty much struggle. I guess when it comes down to it I don't want to believe. Don't want a lot of things that happened to have happened, but they did. Maybe Vietnam didn't even happen -- but it did. Denial is very strong.
 
Actually, this severe inferiority complex and being self-destructive rather would speak for past lives, as no one knows where this comes from. My Mom told me that it first appeared when I was a kid, and my Mom is a loving one, so it cannot come from her...

Yes, these last two posts describe it so well. I am not always like this. But sometimes even the slightest issue, like causing someone a minor inconvenience or someone being angry at me because I didn't exactly what they wanted, is enough to trigger this massive self-loath. Having to discard my personal needs, yes, that is how I then feel... because others needs come first, because they are better, more important, what ever, and not doing everything to get their needs fulfilled or doing something for myself before everyone else has what they want would be egoistical and all and wrong... so you know how this feels.

As for PL memories, nothing new here, no new memories, no confirmation, no validation. Not that I was actively trying, but wouldn't they come up unasked? I sometimes thought of.. things... but I am also unable to get answers from my guides. Last time I tried, I got names of historical figures, made no sense, though.

As I am sometimes even insecure about memories from this life... well... it is possible that I am confusing things anyway. Last flashback I got was from this life, from my teenage time, but I am not sure this really happened. Cannot validate, because the only witnesses would be my grandparents who are dead.

"Wanting" to delete this here was part of a highly self-destructive phase, triggered by a minor mistake.
 
Seeker,

You describe me, too. No one else in my family has a similar self-destructive tendency. My husband, however, does have some of these tendencies... It's something I've noticed in those on here that I've met who have recalled memories of Vietnam, too. Vietnam especially. The war carried with it a lot of guilt.

I've realised in my case it's because I'm constantly punishing myself for 'something'. That something, in my case, was Vietnam. Maybe rather than meditating on past life memories, meditate on the energy/thoughts of what you are punishing yourself for.
 
And as if the universe is mocking me, something at TV made me look up. I am not entirely sure, but an old villa with a garden seemed to look familiar. Like I have been there, once... centuries ago.
 
Been there more than I would like and far more than would be healthy, in the end it metastasized into envy like no other. Some lives are hell and to see others who have reasonably perfect blissful lives they get to take Everything for granted so when you are suffering deeply it hurts all the more. I don't want to go through this crap anymore and want the next life to be a good one, hope that the next one for you is a good one. The burdens of the past are heavy even ruinous to the point where living in the now becomes a real test of endurance.
 
Well, my current life only is Hell when I make it Hell... it wasn't always easy, but I have no reason to complain.
Envy, kind of overcame this in my late teens. Also, people who are truly happy and free, their happiness comes from the inside, not from the outside. Money, career, what ever... alone won't make you happy.
Might even increase the burden of guilt, when you have to act against your morals to get the money or jump the career ladder.
I really hope I will overcome some of my issues so that in my next life I can be free. Like a Buddhist monk is free, as an example. You know, these people who are always smiling, who don't need anything to be happy, just some time for themselves. And don't have to be part of the machine, don't have to add to exploit, spreading lies, what ever to make their living. Who are free to live their own way.
I am sometimes angry at myself, that I still fall back into old patterns, that I sometimes can't forgive myself, can't free myself of self-induced bonds.

I always had the feeling that I have done something really bad in a past life, and maybe I have.

It is unlikely that I was any of the people upon whose names I stumble over and over again. There are three with whom I share certain patterns. Still, delving deeper could help me. To locate the source of my guilt, to learn to forgive myself. Because when I can feel compassion for everyone, including really ill-reputed people or "losers", then why sometimes not for me?
 
And just got something like a flash from the life-between-life of one of them. Might be an illusion, question is, what message there is for me to learn from.

Saw myself in an underground place, alone, voices were calling, telling me that I suck, that I did everything wrong, even in the few cases when my intent was genuine, that I caused only suffering for others. All the people who died because of me or were either financially ruined or otherwise had to suffer... my family members whom I hadn't treated like I should. And always, that I will be alone in this Hell of underworld forever, lonely, because everyone is happy that I am dead, everyone loathes me, and I will be forgotten. And the moment I am forgotten, I will be trapped in this place forever. Shouts, cryings, I am protecting my head with my hands, covering my ears... but I know it is true. The voices (people I knew or have heard of) also telling me that I was horrible at something I had thought I was good at and loved doing, and that people just laughed about me. They are telling me how meaningless I really am... how I failed everyone... and so on.

I picture something very similar, only that this time it is a different Hell. There is fire, and I am burning. "You left me rats, you weren't there when I needed you the most." "You brought shame on me and all of us, and I put so much hope in you" "People just laughed at you" (again) "Did you really think anybody would ever respect you?" "People just acted respect for you, because you were getting on their nerves, and because their bellies were already aching from laughing" "You ruined my life, because of you I couldn't live my dream"

While I probably was not exactly that person (zero memories of him anyway) or that other one or ones, it is worth to look at patterns I definitely do share with them. And how this matches my shadow self.

I have failed people or left them rats. I was unable to live up to somebody's expectations. I was selfish. And when I meant it well (or thought I did), I caused suffering. (Jim78 definitely knows this one well.)
I was self-centered and had the tendency to think all too high of myself, something I am overcompensating now. I wanted to be praised for being oh-so-great. I cared so much for being seen as an extraordinary person that I overlooked it when people really needed me. Also might have had a tendency to blame others or "circumstances" for anything that went wrong or for any evil act I committed. Which would explain why I now tend to blame myself for everything.

Not saying that I ever was a famous person. Really, how likely would that be? Me of all people... Not sure it matters anyway what my exact ID was. ID is a temporary thing anyway, it is the ego, not the soul which is eternal. It should be enough that I am more like these people than I would like to. I am more after the patterns anyway. Anything that relates to my shadow or could explain why I sometimes still feel like I do not deserve anything good, that I need to be punished, that I am a piece of XXXX, and so on...

Phew... now how to finally integrate my shadow? I wish to overcome all that. I wish to find balance and peace, because without I cannot care for others the way they deserve it. And when I cannot resolve this, I will have to come back over and over again, will have to deal with the same issues over and over again... might cause even more harm. I wish to break out of this.
 
@SeekerOfKnowledge Those voices you heard could be simply your own fears and self-doubts echoing back to you. Or maybe some forces have noticed your fears and are using them as a way to drag you down. Either way, whatever is done in the past is done. It can't be changed by dwelling on it.

What you can do is to move forwards. My suggestion is that you be gentle with yourself, don't treat yourself harshly. Remember the sun shines on all people alike, and the power of love in the universe falls on you too. Please don't feel that you don't deserve anything good. If you are to right any wrongs or do anything in the world, you won't be able to do it if you are wounded and damaged. Allow yourself some warmth, let yourself begin to heal. Then, if you feel perhaps there were things which maybe you have done which were harmful to other people, you might be able to begin to resolve some of those things. But slowly, don't put pressure on yourself, and don't allow feelings of guilt weigh you down. Loosen your grip on those things, let them go.

In all of this, there was a suggestion that perhaps accidentally or through a misunderstanding, there may have been harm done to others. Now if you are to treat others well, then do so, but treat yourself well too. Maybe try to see other people and yourself as no different, so if you do something which is good for another, it is good for you too. If you do something which harms yourself, then you may be harming others too, since we are alike. The only way forward is to do positive, beneficial actions, and try not to do harm, not even to yourself. Be gentle with yourself.

Apologies if this sounds like I'm lecturing, it's fair to say I've made plenty of mistakes along the way myself, I'm not in a position to give out sermons. Please take this as well-intended.
 
Speedwell, these are wise words indeed. And what I used to say to others, myself. To help them but to convince myself at the same time...
Thanks a lot for the reminder!
 
SeekerOfKnowledge said:
And just got something like a flash from the life-between-life of one of them. Might be an illusion, question is, what message there is for me to learn from.

Saw myself in an underground place, alone, voices were calling, telling me that I suck, that I did everything wrong, even in the few cases when my intent was genuine, that I caused only suffering for others. All the people who died because of me or were either financially ruined or otherwise had to suffer... my family members whom I hadn't treated like I should. And always, that I will be alone in this Hell of underworld forever, lonely, because everyone is happy that I am dead, everyone loathes me, and I will be forgotten. And the moment I am forgotten, I will be trapped in this place forever. Shouts, cryings, I am protecting my head with my hands, covering my ears... but I know it is true. The voices (people I knew or have heard of) also telling me that I was horrible at something I had thought I was good at and loved doing, and that people just laughed about me. They are telling me how meaningless I really am... how I failed everyone... and so on.

I picture something very similar, only that this time it is a different Hell. There is fire, and I am burning. "You left me rats, you weren't there when I needed you the most." "You brought shame on me and all of us, and I put so much hope in you" "People just laughed at you" (again) "Did you really think anybody would ever respect you?" "People just acted respect for you, because you were getting on their nerves, and because their bellies were already aching from laughing" "You ruined my life, because of you I couldn't live my dream"

While I probably was not exactly that person (zero memories of him anyway) or that other one or ones, it is worth to look at patterns I definitely do share with them. And how this matches my shadow self.

I have failed people or left them rats. I was unable to live up to somebody's expectations. I was selfish. And when I meant it well (or thought I did), I caused suffering. (Jim78 definitely knows this one well.)
I was self-centered and had the tendency to think all too high of myself, something I am overcompensating now. I wanted to be praised for being oh-so-great. I cared so much for being seen as an extraordinary person that I overlooked it when people really needed me. Also might have had a tendency to blame others or "circumstances" for anything that went wrong or for any evil act I committed. Which would explain why I now tend to blame myself for everything.

Not saying that I ever was a famous person. Really, how likely would that be? Me of all people... Not sure it matters anyway what my exact ID was. ID is a temporary thing anyway, it is the ego, not the soul which is eternal. It should be enough that I am more like these people than I would like to. I am more after the patterns anyway. Anything that relates to my shadow or could explain why I sometimes still feel like I do not deserve anything good, that I need to be punished, that I am a piece of XXXX, and so on...

Phew... now how to finally integrate my shadow? I wish to overcome all that. I wish to find balance and peace, because without I cannot care for others the way they deserve it. And when I cannot resolve this, I will have to come back over and over again, will have to deal with the same issues over and over again... might cause even more harm. I wish to break out of this.
Click to expand...

All of us have done horrible things, failed, and/or not lived up to the expectations set for us. That's a perfectly normal part of life on earth. If we didn't massively screw up every so often, we would never learn anything and never grow. That guilt and self loathing could be a good launching point for personal growth, although I'm definitely not the person to tell you how to do that.

A few of my past selves were genuinely horrible people, one of whom could've killed us all without even thinking about it. I couldn't imagine killing anyone now, and while thinking about some of what he did makes me feel physically ill, I don't really feel guilty about it anymore. It's over and done.

Those Buddhist monks you mentioned probably entered an order for a reason. Perhaps they felt the way you do right now and wanted inner peace and freedom. Maybe some self discipline, mindfulness, and deep reflection might do you some good.

Try to forgive yourself and move forward to do good things. Forgive, atone if you feel it's necessary, then let it all go.

We're all just hanging out on a giant rock learning to be human, and sometimes just trying is enough even if we don't succeed.
 
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