A confession.

Hi all. I need to illustrate an aspect of my thought processes that forced me, in October 2015, to see all the wrongs I had done.

This article sums up an aspect my thought processes succinctly:

https://www.irishcentral.com/opinion/michael-collins-strategy

This quote in particular jumps out:

'With few men, and little ammunition, Collins knew he could not beat the British by force, but he could defeat them through their retaliatory conduct, and the resulting propaganda pressures brought to bear on the British.'

Just like back then I had few resources in my current life. One aspect of my fight in my current life to break a sociopaths hold over my old love was his retaliatory conduct and how that spilled over even into minute aspects of media coverage and how the psychological battering ram I was doing against him would create questions about what was really going on behind closed doors to the world at large.

I had other weapons in my arsenal such as evidence, reporters, politicians and such but they aren't relevant to what I am trying to convey in this topic.

What I'm saying is that I knew that psychologically no one, not even a sociopath, could hold out indefinitely. I knew it would take time but eventually he would break free. I just needed to keep piling on the pressure and turning the screws.


I employed the same thinking as I had in my past life using modern means but there was a HUGE difference between the retaliatory actions to my tactics in my past life and what I was doing in my current life.

Back then I was fighting for my country. This time I was fighting a war for one person, the woman that I loved. I had expressed to her that I wished she hadn't been in the middle of my fight this time and I wished that she hadn't seen that side of me, yet because I was so focused on fighting, spreading evidence, psychological warfare and such I didn't stop to think how it was affecting her until it was too late.

In that moment I saw that, even though it was all for her, she had become a mere pawn in the game without my realising it.

In all my other lives conflict was impersonal. Sure, I had comrades and such, but I'd never fought a fight that I remember for someone I had loved so deeply.

That's the difference you see? In all my other battles I could be cold, ruthless, impersonal, make tough decisions etc...but I'd never fought for something that affected me so deeply on an emotional, personal level....what hurt her hurt me. We were soulmates.

In that moment of realisation back in 2015 I saw how, in all of my lives, I manipulated human lives to succeed with nary a thought for the damage I was doing. Fighting was just one big chessboard to me. A Gordian knot to unravel. I'd worry about the collateral damage later.

That thinking, while necessary in some aspects for a leader, was also toxic.

I'd learned that war kills love and that I was no hero in spite of what my love initially said to me.

Maybe I had initially done some good I dunno. I was ,after all, lied to and manipulated six years ago and again this January. That's unknown to me.

Good men do bad things and bad men fight the good fight sometimes. Which one am I? I dunno.

I just hope to God that my actions years back and this January haven't caused my old love much suffering. I didn't want her to suffer, I just wanted to free her from chains and watch her blossom.

The problem is, and the lesson I've learned, is that one can't fight such a personal, private war and not do damage, no matter how pure and noble ones intentions are. The brutal nature of war doesn't permit heroes, heroism is merely how those outside of oneself see it at times. Its not real.

War simply has it casualties. They may pile up but why would a soldier not fight? To protect the ones they love IMO. I didn't realise that until it was too late.

I've not been a very nice person.

Thanks for reading.

Thanks for sharing.

You did your best every time.

Suggestion: Forgive your mistakes and love yourself more.

Cordially,

We all do bad things, even if they seemed like good ideas at the time. Revolution doesn't come cheap, unfortunately.

At least you were fighting for something you believed in. I never had revolutionary type PL like you did (not to my knowledge anyway), but I mostly only fought for myself or my own interests. My PL in 1600s England wanted no part in that ridiculous civil war, so I'm assuming that's where we started moving forward in terms of valuing human life, even though I ended up being brutally killed in battle.

Reconciling with past mistakes is the truly hard part. Thinking about all the lives I very intentionally took in ancient Mongolia is very sobering, to put it mildly.

From what I understand, the lower astral realms turn your own fears and bad emotions against you. It's essentially you creating your own hell based on whatever you perceive it to be, i.e if you think it's gonna be fire and brimstone, that's what you'll see. The biblical concept of hell is very much a man made idea imo. I try to view reincarnation as objectively as possible, without any religious ideas involved.

Jim78 said:

In fact they have, perhaps this is why every religious solution I once sought gave me no peace or healing? Because I didn't believe it, it was inaccurate to my own experiences.

Click to expand...

I find religion just too complicated. I feel things are very simple. I really like old churches - even the modest church nearby has stood, in part at least, for over a thousand years. I can go inside and appreciate the sincerity of all those people who have been to this place before me. But I don't wait to hear any of the official ceremonies - they wrap things up in complicated narratives which don't interest me. Simplicity is my approach.

Hi Speedwell.

Personally I find the core of Catholic religion too simplistic.

You live one life and are judged for it. I couldn't reconcile that with my beliefs and experiences I described in this topic. I didn't feel like one life was enough to judge a person on. Once I discovered reincarnation I realised the sources wisdom in giving us the time, experiences and freedom to evolve.

Although in saying that, I do still listen to religious stuff because, although I don't share their beliefs, sometimes wisdom is contained within them.

I did catch a church service on TV yesterday. The priest was saying how Jesus proved that evil has no power over good through Jesus' resurrection. He proved that, by overcoming the evil of his crucifixion, good cannot be defeated.

So I thought, since those people believe that Jesus is God incarnate, does that mean that only God can overcome evil? Are we supposed to simply endure evil as Jesus did...just let it happen...and trust that God will ressurect us in some fashion? Anything else is hubris on our part?

That hardly seems fair to me, although perhaps if we all thought that way none of us would commit evil?

That sounds like a perfect world. I really don't see how man can do that without reconciling the battle between the intellect and base impulses myself. It seems like an impossible task to me.

What's your take on it?

Huh...this stuff confuses me.

If I stopped a man from attacking a woman by subduing him in a non lethal way I actually have stopped evil with little consequences to anyone beyond Earthbound justice for the attacker.

People stop evil every day with little harm done.

It leaves my head cabbaged when I think such things.

Jim, I think what I meant by my own need for simplicity is that I understand there is something greater than myself, and that prayer can be a powerful thing. My take on the notion of God is a benevolent and non-judgemental essence.

Ideas about Jesus, I don't adhere to any official doctrine. I was brought up to believe that Jesus was somehow unique, and simultaneously told we should all try to be like him. The only way I could reconcile that was to consider that Jesus was just an ordinary man. That makes it possible to be like him.

The one life and that's it, doesn't fit with reincarnation. But even before I considered reincarnation I was already struggling with the ideas. So what I take away is some of the Sermon on the Mount. There are thought-provoking concepts there.

Moving away from the somewhat theoretical side of things, to personal experience. I think we each have free will, and am becoming more aware of the impact my actions have on others. I also realised that it wasn't just actions, it was thoughts too. We cannot do good acts while thinking bad thoughts. So, over a very long period of time, I've been letting go of the harder, harsher thoughts which might be within me, and the idea of 'letting go' perhaps comes back to the word 'simplicity' which I mentioned. I did have a lot within me to be released, and I came to understand that I am not here to be spiritual, I'm here to be a physical being, it is through engaging with the physical that a lot of the bundled-up history within me could be released. That has calmed down now, but was in the past a time of physical and emotional turmoil.

Of course my journey is not the same as yours, so I'm not expecting that what works for me would be appropriate for anyone else.

Hi Speedwell.

That's also my take on God.

That's also the only way I could reconcile Jesus but I realised he was a faaar greater man than I could ever hope to be.

I guess my take on his crucifixion is that he had choices, fight, run or accept his fate. He accepted his fate.

Jesus never said to let women be raped and stand by and do nothing. Indeed, he intervened in a stoning ( in a classier way than I would have ).

Perhaps Jesus can be reconciled with the notion of God giving us choices. I believe now that we have the choice to sacrifice ourselves but not to sacrifice innocents without their blessing.

My solution to the trolley car dilemma was to run down the tracks before they diverge and throw myself under the trolley car, thus, I didn't have to chose to sacrifice anyone but myself.

What jumps out at you in the Sermon On The Mount?

No, I get where your coming from. I'm still trying to right my own ship with regards to grappling with my negative thoughts. Yet I know that by accepting them many of them will lose their power and fade away.

Really what your saying is that one must make peace with themselves no?

Although sometimes life throws up impossible choices.

There a good Star Trek Voyager episode that illustrates this.

The holographic Doctor is presented with two patients, both with an equal chance of survival. He only had the time to save one of them...so he chose the one he was friends with because he knew him better.

He couldn't resolve what he thought of as a selfish decision in his programme so Janeway wiped his memory so he could function.

Eventually it was decided to let him remember and come to terms with his decision. To resolve it and make peace with himself.

That wasn't even a combat situation yet there's truth to that episode.

There's tough choices in life. Its NEVER perfect. We are only human.

On those impossible choices, they do happen. The aftermath can be distressing - questioning whether the right choice was made. Yet somehow those are just pains we have to bear, perhaps there is no right or wrong yet it still hurts.

As for the Sermon on the Mount, maybe different parts at different times. One thing which stuck in my mind was how the wild flowers and grass grow, they do so without apparent concern or worry, yet they turn out fine. That was something which helped me to disengage from the expectations of the outside world, which often I feel out of step with. It wasn't entirely helpful, I used to sit through management talks on business at work, feeling out of place, I was willing to do my job, but did not want to swallow all the nonsense being preached at us. In the end I have to trust in myself.

Hi Speedwell.

I myself was forced to make an impossible choice seven year's ago, between allowing great evil acts or letting the world burn. Obviously I chose the former. I felt confident in my decision however, so it didn't distress me although sometimes I wish I could have stopped the evil acts and everyone would understand. That wouldn't have happened though because people are individuals who form their own beliefs, right or wrong, so I let it lay.

I wish I could disengage from the outside world. I haven't completely mastered that yet. Thanks to my reincarnation beliefs I'm viewed by some as being someone who engages in utter lunacy. It isolates me and my trauma isn't taken seriously by those I love. I wish I was more at peace with myself and could just accept where they are at instead of wishing they understood where I'm coming from. It just creates tension.

Reincarnation can be something which creates isolation, I've not been able to share it with any of my family, I mentioned it once in a vague, generalised way, but it isn't something I get to talk about at all. On the other hand, I once in a while shared it with almost total strangers, and occasionally with a close friend. They were better listeners. Most of the time my lips are sealed.

Jim, I think you are dealing with weightier issues than me. I did come across the idea of 'in-between lives', ones where the main aim is to heal or come to terms with a previous life, rather than get involved more deeply. That seems to be where I'm at. By contrast, you have both parts going on in this life, participating and recovering as well.

Yea, reincarnation can isolate but its good to be able to talk on this forum to others who mostly take reincarnation as a given.

I was under the impression that healing comes during the life between lives. Coming to terms with things in my current life was my own choice. I asked to be confronted with myself because I knew it would result in further growth and change.

Although its been the most painful, traumatic experience I can ever remember happening I still feel grateful to God, because now I know where the mistakes I made are and am more aware of my flaws. I doubt I understand the full range of it but I feel that this is the life where I was ready to learn these things about myself.

The alternate I had, to stop great evil acts, outside of the damage I would have done, would have just resulted in my being hailed a hero again and all the attendant crap that goes along with it. I would have learned nothing.

The reason I think that I was ready for it is that I made the humanistic choice not to throw the world into chaos before I was aware of my mistakes and flaws. It feels like a natural progression.

Outside of my mistakes with my old love I did the right thing in my current life.

Not sure of the exact year I died, but it was the English civil war 1642-1651. Fighting in that battle really wasn't a choice, unfortunately. I believe was conscripted and didn't have a say in the matter. I don't usually get dates and numbers for PL memories, not that it really makes a huge difference to me. I'm not looking to verify PL memories; I know what I saw and can remember what it felt like to be them.

I had to piece a few things together to find the right time frame though. After I heard English PL me speak in a dream, I figured it out based on how intelligible his speech was to mine.

At that point, I just wanted to live my simple farmer life and take care of my family, but I ended up fighting in someone else's war that I didn't believe in. Figuring out how three countries should be governed was an important decision to make, but not one worth fighting and dying over imo.

Not to bash anyone's beliefs, but I don't think any religion can give you a solid answer, which is super ironic given that I currently work for a church. It's basically our predecessors' interpretation of how the universe works. It's not necessarily wrong, but it's not really right either, unless you believe it is.

Striving to be better because it's the right thing is the best you can do.

For my Mongolian PL, I saw his personal hell in the life he lived here on earth. It was toxic and full of darkness. He never had the love and support he needed, so he turned to anger instead.

Thinking about that life honestly stresses me out. It's a cold dreaded feeling. It makes me think of what humans are truly capable of doing when their mind and soul are in a dark place. Remembering how it feels to personally take a life is genuinely sickening.

I think that's why in my last few incarnations, I've resigned myself to a quiet life in the background where I can help people the way they need it.

Hi Klaud. How did you find the time frame based on your pls speech patterns?

I know what you mean about your Mongolian life but also people blowing smoke up ones rear can take a person to dark places. An over abundance of encouragement.

One also has to contextualise pls into the times in which they lived however. For many months I couldn't reconcile what I thought in my pls with my modern self. I had found a plethora of similarities and common ground with them, "Aww yea" penny dropping moments, but I found it hard to integrate the wide ranging effects I had back then through conflict with my never having taken a life in my current life.

It was sobering to realise how far I can go when I'm pushed.

The big guy himself spoke to me, but he never gave me any insight for past lives. It's like he opened the spiritual door for me to figure it out on my own. God and his plan for us is something I'm not sure we'll ever fully understand.

It wasn't like my Roman PL where part of the memory was in Latin and another in English. This one was totally in English and didn't need to be soul-translated for me to understand it. The accent was very distinctly some kind of English, but one I didn't quite recognize. Based on that and what he actually said, I figured it was Early Modern English which would put it roughly at the end of the 1400s or the early 1700s. Because it was so similar to my own speech, it seemed like it was closer to the second date. The further you go back, the harder English is to understand for a modern speaker, but the closer you get, the more it sounds like you. Then I started getting the decade 1640, which only had one big civil war in that time frame.

Context is very important. I wasn't mentally ill or just killing people for fun, but it was the way things were then. Kill or be killed, basically. I think there's a part of you that can just shut that out and become desensitized to it. Like, you just stop thinking about it from an emotional perspective and focus on survival or whatever you're doing.

I couldn't reconcile what he did for a long time either. I could look at a friend and remember killing them in cold blood. One of those people hugged me yesterday, so hooray progress. As much as I don't want to think about it, he and I are a lot alike, despite multiple lives between us.