RunningWind92
Active Member
I am so grateful and happy that I found this forum. My name is Laura and I’m 24 years old. I feel compelled to share this with you all, all of whom I believe without a doubt, would understand or at least sympathize with my predicament. I’m a little hesitant to share my story, mainly because I’ve only told this to therapists and people who I felt could be trusted. This may be long, but I hope you will read this to the end.
Let’s start with the beginning of my life. I was a very unusual child because I actually felt content to behave and be surrounded by my loved ones. My sister was another matter entirely. She was and still is a rebellious spirit, who did not behave and always ran far ahead of my family members when we were walking down the street. She craved independence and not being contained. I actually felt that the repercussions of my actions, if I did run away, would make them sad – and I didn’t want the ones that I loved to feel sad. So I always behaved and did what was asked of me. The second unusual aspect of my person when I was a child, that still follows me to this day, is the feeling of restlessness. The restlessness, to be precise, was that I lost someone or something. I was always emptying boxes of toys, looking for the one toy I had ‘lost’. And even when I found the designated toy I was looking for, it still would not pacify me. In addition, I would frequently say, as a five year old, that I miss the old days. What that means is in question. Furthermore, in 1997, when Princess Diana was killed, Elton John came out with a song called Candle in the Wind and my family owned a cassette tape of it that I would play repeatedly. I would sit by myself in front of the cassette player, listening and rewinding multiple times with tears down my face and not knowing why. Also, I’ve always had a distinct longing for the past. Even today, my fashion style would be described as vintage, because I always wear tops with floral prints on them as well as lace. Finally, I can say with certainty that I was always drawn to the performing arts. When operas and ballets would come on TV, my sister wouldn’t have the patience to sit through an entire performance, but I would stare at the TV transfixed.
Now we go to 2009, eight years ago, where the restlessness gathered momentum and began to reveal itself in ways that became more tangible to me. Some of the details I am not going to mention here, mainly because I feel they are difficult to understand, but I will include what I feel is relevant. Feeling a sense that I wasn’t alone, I began to visit psychic mediums who told me the same description of a spirit who was my constant companion. For how long, I never knew. They would just explain that a seven foot tall, massively muscular man in Victorian clothing was always with me, loved me, and was very protective. Many of them did not know how or why he came to be with me. It was a mystery beyond mysteries. Many of them urged me to forget about this man. His presence, they could not deny. Every mediumship session I attended, his was always there. He came across as determined to make himself heard, proclaimed his withstanding love for me, and one medium, who did a tarot card reading for me, even said that in my last life, I died before him and he had to live on without me – but also, that he was coming back for me. She didn’t explain how. During these years, I became very spiritual. Because I could not see, hear, nor touch this man who knew me, I tried to connect with him through nature. I spent hours outside in nature, listening to the leaves rustle in the wind, feeling the earth under me, listening for his voice. Any source of nonverbal communication was vital to this unique relationship I wanted so much to bloom. So, for eight years, I clung and held onto the belief that this was the cause of my childhood restlessness, my teeming fear to take a risk and lose someone I loved by an act of recklessness. During these years, I filled countless notebooks with my writing expressing longing for this spirit, and in relaxed states, I would draw myself as a ballerina with a long braid cascading down her back, a ribbon tied at the end of it. Sometimes I would draw the same girl on a cobblestone street walking arm in arm with an extremely tall and muscular man wearing black. It would always be winter, because I had the sense I was wearing a coat and that it was cold. And then I would draw the same girl at a pier, about to get on a boat, and the same man, standing against a building with his arms crossed, a sad or angry look on his face.
During this time, I met an older woman who seemed like a second mother to me and a very good friend. She claimed to be able to sense spirits and told me the same description of the very large man by my side. For three years, I would ask her what does this man look like? I would find celebrities who I thought resembled him and each one she turned down. The physical characteristics didn’t match. Finally, I stumbled upon a wrestler who was seven feet and over 400 pounds. I showed her a picture of him and her eyes lit up saying “that’s him!” I was flabbergasted. The celebrity I showed her was the biggest human being I had ever seen in my life. During the time we spoke, she had given me a day, a time and a place where the paths would cross of me and this reincarnated Victorian man. The day came and went, and nothing transpired. Furthermore, I went back to one of the mediums I felt was very reputable and concrete. To my surprise, the medium was no longer able to sense this spirit with me. In concern, he told me that he was always at my disposal if I ever needed someone to speak to. Which was strange because it was he who wrote on a paper for me, about this Victorian man describing him as a “gentle giant”. And now, I bring us to this day, where the feelings of restlessness and loss have not diminished but have grown almost uncontrollable in their intensity. Mainly of this is due to the fact that I met that wrestler that my friend had told me those years ago that the spirit resembles so highly.
It was a mild, overcast day in August of last year. Prior to this, I had been learning all that I could about this wrestler, and each video I watched of him, I felt a sensation of familiarity and tears would always fill my eyes when I would look at his eyes. That morning, he was going to be a referee at a charity basketball game for kids in Brooklyn. It was an opportunity that couldn’t be missed. I seized the chance and was spellbound for days after. I took with me a poem I had written about him and a calendar of lions and tigers since I knew he loved tigers. His whole upper left arm has a large tiger tattoo on it. As I waited for him to arrive, I realized that though the appearance was publicized, no one but myself came to meet him. It was that morning that made me put full belief into past lives or some cryptic workings of the universe, because when I saw him get out of the van, straighten himself and begin walking towards the building, I felt a sense that I was having an out of body experience – I felt that I was being separated from my body. I felt I was two instead of one. And the sight of him, felt as familiar to me as it was to breathe. I ran over to him, and while we spoke, I could not look him in the eyes. I looked only once and saw intense bright green, like lights and smiling lips. I was not afraid, merely overwhelmed by the emotions I was feeling. As I was speaking, he gives me his hand in my hand, and his hand is so large, I needed both my hands to hold it and I caressed the top of it with my thumbs. I also told him I would date him if he were still single. As he held my hand, as I was in his presence, I can say with absolute certainty, that I have never felt more at peace. The restlessness disappeared. It was an odd sensation, to not feel the restlessness gnawing at my very being for those moments I was with him. I didn’t ask for an autograph or a picture with him – because I didn’t want to seem like a fan. I would date him if it were possible. He’s married with three children and I discovered we have so much in common.
So, now, I’m at a standstill. I’m even questioning the career path I want to follow. I have been thinking about that day every day. Writing and dancing seem to be the only ways to cope with the overwhelming and intense emotions I feel. And so I ask now, why did I have to meet him? What was the purpose if I cannot have this man romantically for myself? To never bear him children? I have no answers. Only questions and feelings.
Let’s start with the beginning of my life. I was a very unusual child because I actually felt content to behave and be surrounded by my loved ones. My sister was another matter entirely. She was and still is a rebellious spirit, who did not behave and always ran far ahead of my family members when we were walking down the street. She craved independence and not being contained. I actually felt that the repercussions of my actions, if I did run away, would make them sad – and I didn’t want the ones that I loved to feel sad. So I always behaved and did what was asked of me. The second unusual aspect of my person when I was a child, that still follows me to this day, is the feeling of restlessness. The restlessness, to be precise, was that I lost someone or something. I was always emptying boxes of toys, looking for the one toy I had ‘lost’. And even when I found the designated toy I was looking for, it still would not pacify me. In addition, I would frequently say, as a five year old, that I miss the old days. What that means is in question. Furthermore, in 1997, when Princess Diana was killed, Elton John came out with a song called Candle in the Wind and my family owned a cassette tape of it that I would play repeatedly. I would sit by myself in front of the cassette player, listening and rewinding multiple times with tears down my face and not knowing why. Also, I’ve always had a distinct longing for the past. Even today, my fashion style would be described as vintage, because I always wear tops with floral prints on them as well as lace. Finally, I can say with certainty that I was always drawn to the performing arts. When operas and ballets would come on TV, my sister wouldn’t have the patience to sit through an entire performance, but I would stare at the TV transfixed.
Now we go to 2009, eight years ago, where the restlessness gathered momentum and began to reveal itself in ways that became more tangible to me. Some of the details I am not going to mention here, mainly because I feel they are difficult to understand, but I will include what I feel is relevant. Feeling a sense that I wasn’t alone, I began to visit psychic mediums who told me the same description of a spirit who was my constant companion. For how long, I never knew. They would just explain that a seven foot tall, massively muscular man in Victorian clothing was always with me, loved me, and was very protective. Many of them did not know how or why he came to be with me. It was a mystery beyond mysteries. Many of them urged me to forget about this man. His presence, they could not deny. Every mediumship session I attended, his was always there. He came across as determined to make himself heard, proclaimed his withstanding love for me, and one medium, who did a tarot card reading for me, even said that in my last life, I died before him and he had to live on without me – but also, that he was coming back for me. She didn’t explain how. During these years, I became very spiritual. Because I could not see, hear, nor touch this man who knew me, I tried to connect with him through nature. I spent hours outside in nature, listening to the leaves rustle in the wind, feeling the earth under me, listening for his voice. Any source of nonverbal communication was vital to this unique relationship I wanted so much to bloom. So, for eight years, I clung and held onto the belief that this was the cause of my childhood restlessness, my teeming fear to take a risk and lose someone I loved by an act of recklessness. During these years, I filled countless notebooks with my writing expressing longing for this spirit, and in relaxed states, I would draw myself as a ballerina with a long braid cascading down her back, a ribbon tied at the end of it. Sometimes I would draw the same girl on a cobblestone street walking arm in arm with an extremely tall and muscular man wearing black. It would always be winter, because I had the sense I was wearing a coat and that it was cold. And then I would draw the same girl at a pier, about to get on a boat, and the same man, standing against a building with his arms crossed, a sad or angry look on his face.
During this time, I met an older woman who seemed like a second mother to me and a very good friend. She claimed to be able to sense spirits and told me the same description of the very large man by my side. For three years, I would ask her what does this man look like? I would find celebrities who I thought resembled him and each one she turned down. The physical characteristics didn’t match. Finally, I stumbled upon a wrestler who was seven feet and over 400 pounds. I showed her a picture of him and her eyes lit up saying “that’s him!” I was flabbergasted. The celebrity I showed her was the biggest human being I had ever seen in my life. During the time we spoke, she had given me a day, a time and a place where the paths would cross of me and this reincarnated Victorian man. The day came and went, and nothing transpired. Furthermore, I went back to one of the mediums I felt was very reputable and concrete. To my surprise, the medium was no longer able to sense this spirit with me. In concern, he told me that he was always at my disposal if I ever needed someone to speak to. Which was strange because it was he who wrote on a paper for me, about this Victorian man describing him as a “gentle giant”. And now, I bring us to this day, where the feelings of restlessness and loss have not diminished but have grown almost uncontrollable in their intensity. Mainly of this is due to the fact that I met that wrestler that my friend had told me those years ago that the spirit resembles so highly.
It was a mild, overcast day in August of last year. Prior to this, I had been learning all that I could about this wrestler, and each video I watched of him, I felt a sensation of familiarity and tears would always fill my eyes when I would look at his eyes. That morning, he was going to be a referee at a charity basketball game for kids in Brooklyn. It was an opportunity that couldn’t be missed. I seized the chance and was spellbound for days after. I took with me a poem I had written about him and a calendar of lions and tigers since I knew he loved tigers. His whole upper left arm has a large tiger tattoo on it. As I waited for him to arrive, I realized that though the appearance was publicized, no one but myself came to meet him. It was that morning that made me put full belief into past lives or some cryptic workings of the universe, because when I saw him get out of the van, straighten himself and begin walking towards the building, I felt a sense that I was having an out of body experience – I felt that I was being separated from my body. I felt I was two instead of one. And the sight of him, felt as familiar to me as it was to breathe. I ran over to him, and while we spoke, I could not look him in the eyes. I looked only once and saw intense bright green, like lights and smiling lips. I was not afraid, merely overwhelmed by the emotions I was feeling. As I was speaking, he gives me his hand in my hand, and his hand is so large, I needed both my hands to hold it and I caressed the top of it with my thumbs. I also told him I would date him if he were still single. As he held my hand, as I was in his presence, I can say with absolute certainty, that I have never felt more at peace. The restlessness disappeared. It was an odd sensation, to not feel the restlessness gnawing at my very being for those moments I was with him. I didn’t ask for an autograph or a picture with him – because I didn’t want to seem like a fan. I would date him if it were possible. He’s married with three children and I discovered we have so much in common.
So, now, I’m at a standstill. I’m even questioning the career path I want to follow. I have been thinking about that day every day. Writing and dancing seem to be the only ways to cope with the overwhelming and intense emotions I feel. And so I ask now, why did I have to meet him? What was the purpose if I cannot have this man romantically for myself? To never bear him children? I have no answers. Only questions and feelings.
