Hey all. I stumbled upon this forum just a few days ago. However, I have been searching for some greater meaning all my life. I had a hard childhood. I was abused horrifically. The mental part was worse than the physical...sitting in my room staring at the missing door knob which my parents had removed since I had "no right" to lock a door in "their" house and wondering if my stepfather would come in...ripped from my childhood home to a terrifying city...told I should have been a miscarriage and that if I complained I would be killed...living in homes crawling with filth...told by my mother that if I didnt listen to her sexual descriptions in detail (from the age of 8) she'd have "nobody to talk to" and would have to kill herself and it would be my fault, drowned in a bathtub until I had what I now think was an NDE...having my arm broken...being "the weird" kid who had escaped into her own head. There is much worse but that is probably enough. I have worked hard all my life but have never really been able to get financially ahead...something always seems to get in the way. At 50 I am home with two special needs children and can not move out from my husband because I can't financially support myself. Lack of money has plagued me my entire life. I am on the autism spectrum and somehow always miss the right cue, situation or aspect to be making enough money to survive, though I managed it but in tiny places sleeping on the couch so my son could have the one bedroom I could afford for years when I was a single mother. But every day was terror realizing I was just one mess up from being fired and then we would starve. I can not describe that terror. I get that money can't buy happiness or spiritual growth but lack of it can mean being in terror and at the mercy of others, every single day. I take care of everyone. I hate to think of people being unhappy and probably overprotected my children. Maybe caring for others is my one single saving grace but is it enough considering I have scraped every day of my life like a greedy animal to survive? Right now I have been earning about a grand a month freelance writing. That would not support a person who had no dependants at all. And I have worked like hell for it. But now my client has downsized and cut my hours in half. In terror I have been on Upwork and initially got some projects but now I am missing them for stupid, tiny reasons...it is driving me crazy. I feel unloved, useless and I am so sick of crying over money. I work hard, I always have. I am not stupid. What is the problem? I really do feel cursed, if you will. Many times in my life I have wished I could die. Because of this constant want for money money money I feel greedy, even though I am just trying to survive, and I hurt and am angry all the time, and I worry this means I have not learned a karmic lesson and I will have to go back and live a similar life again. I can't, I just can't, oh God the thought of living the constant torture again... I feel I must have been a horrible person in my last life. Could that be it? There has to be some reason other people are able to support themselves and have choices yet I am in (so to speak) prison.