Addressing the elephant in the room. It is very long but that is necessary. It's something that's plagued me for sometime! I need ideas, information and help as to how to address it, I feel like as much information as possible is necessary. Ever since I could possibly remember, I've had this in depth connection with ancient Egypt. These feelings associated that I couldn't even begin to explain. This unprecedented affiliation. I forced my parents to an ancient Egyptian museum hosted in our capital, I took home a pamphlet that represented the life of ancient Egyptians and I was obsessed! I drew ants in a city that I created, I was fascinated with ants and civilisation beyond belief and creating cities. I used to work perilously under the sun to make my own "city" making pathways, I created an entire civilisation in my imagination and making maps, it was beyond normal. I even considered suicide when I was like 7-9 because I was of the irrational belief that it'd take me back in time, but I came to the conclusion that I'd engross myself with ancient history instead. Ancient Egypt always seemed to present itself, wherever I went there were exhibitions or anniversaries of discoveries. I remember as a kid I brought grapes out to a cubby house I had which was like an insula, and grape juice, imagining I was ancient Egyptian with wine and grapes sleeping at night on the roof, like that of the Egyptians. Til this day I'm an ancient Egyptian fanatic. As a child, I also had another major affiliation, the sun. It's actually difficult to write out now. I've always suppressed connecting these two. I remember the moment I sat on a chair on my own under a tree and wondered what my conscience was and declared to myself as I raised my gaze, that it was the sun and from that moment onwards I basically had a friendship with this conscience that I believed was the sun. It sounds insane, I know and that's why when I hit thirteen that I realised that it wasn't true and it was such an ordeal to come to terms with, I still feel to this day that I lost a friend, in fact I have a sun tattoo and when I pray (no I'm not religious) I pray to the sun as I did as a child. So life was hunky dory, I was fascinated by ancient Egypt and believed in the sun! But then, on the verge of realising that the sun wasn't my conscience I became abnormally obsessed with Tutankhamun, for a good solid 5 years!!! At which I started to experience sleep paralysis, I worked out at the onset of my sleep paralysis that I could kind of direct where I wanted my visions to go and obviously being obsessed with Tutankhamun I wanted them to go there... but they didn't, they went to Nefertiti, initially. Although Tutankhamun has a close filiation in modern history with Akhenaten and Nefertiti, they never really came across my mind, I think in a way I knew that Akhenaten had an affiliation with the sun and I didn't want to taint my love of ancient Egypt with that (but at last here we are lol!) so at the time it came to me as a shock that I had such a traumatic sleep paralysis vision associated with Nefertiti (which I discuss on my other thread). Little did I know that later that same year was I would travel to Berlin on the 100th anniversary that the bust of Nefertiti was discovered and visit the bust of Nefertiti, amongst other Amarna artefacts. Then my interest kind of shifted from Tutankhamun to the Amarna period, but at this stage it wasn't overwhelming, I was just growing up. Then the following year I visited London, and had these weird premonition dreams in regards to Kiya and Akhenaten and the within these two years I experienced the wildest sleep paralysis/dream/vision in regards to these people, to the point I saw Meritaten (or so I do think, being viscously stabbed to death!) it was insane! The dreams did stop, however my fascination with Amarna has been persistent. This is the issue here, I love ancient Egypt, I could not physically let it go, all whilst I still have this affiliation with the sun, it symbolises so much for me, but because they both are so entwined with the Amarna period which I have an absolute fascination for, I suppress it, something I can't explain it! Something doesn't want me to associate the two! When I reflect back as a child, when I wasn't aware of Akhenaten whatsoever but was affiliated very much so with the sun, so many things stand out to me, that would connect the two, for example what I wore, the fact that "the sun" told me that I was the best "believer" since this man the sun would always highlight who rode a ******* chariot, in the desert, under the sun, like what? Lol. Also toward the end of my affiliation "the sun" literally presented an idea of getting others to start believing and starting this new religion. Argh! This literally too much for me to even write let alone think about! I need to address this! I think it's holding me back in life, via relationships and many things. I want to do this healthily. Often when I try to address it, I get anxiety, I fall sick, I can't sleep, like I said, like something is angry that I've associated the two. I don't know if I'm just being construsive, or if there's something actually going on, but I feel it's impacting my everyday life, if I am just being contrusive please give me some advice on how to help and if I'm not, like wise give me some ideas on how to address this issue and be free of it! It feels very much so entwined with karma. Help! Please! I'd like to consider myself a very logical person, and a very truthful person, none of which I have mentioned is false at all! I just really need help in addressing something that could possibly be spiritual. Thanks in advance guys!