Bohemian Rhapsody

I always love to read a good story from somebody else, so I'll try to make mine as good as possible as well. The fact is that at this moment it is not yet a story, but I really feel the need to make it one, because these memories have relevance to my life at the moment. Other past life memories don't bother me like this one.

The background story is an online friendship that suddenly exploded into an intense love story. We 'met' online in 2013, we felt an immediate connection, but nothing romantically. Interesting discussions and spiritual conversations, even intens triggers now and then. But those things can happen. I do not respond to every trigger I face, because I am highly sensitive and I also try to have a 'normal' life, so I just cut off a lot.
He left the online community quite soon, but we stayed in touch, but not on a regular base. We did have conversations about past lives in general, but I didn't feel anything. Once he send me the link of the Spanish movie ' Caótica Ana' and we discussed that later. I even made the joke if he implied that we might have met in previous lives ourselves, but he responded in a vague manner. Every time I almost forgot about him, he showed up by email, and we just talked like no time had passed between the last conversations, and then he disappeared again in silence for months or years.
In the meantime, strange things happened, but I leave them out for now. This story is far too complicated to tell in chronological order, and you can even add the fact that as soon as we are in contact, time messes up.
(But I'll tell them later.)
At a certain moment I had that eary feeling that a lot of things that I had experienced all related to him, and I spoke to myself the words: "You're in big 'trouble' if this were to be true." Something enormous and big rose up from the unseen. I was not sure about it, but I am also a 'warrior': I decided to face it, to face him, in order to know. So I send him the invitation to meet, very neutral, on the neutral ground. We live in the same country, not close, not far away. Just to drink a cup of coffee together in a random public place. It took him weeks to answer, but there 'it' started. The dams broke, and the water flooded on both sides. He didn't want to meet, because according to him and his state of emotions it could never be a neutral meeting. I was surprised at first because on my side there never was romance involved. But while exchanging some emails that very day, our energies started to mix. My heart chakra opened (a crazy feeling I didn't know before), and I felt his love, so endlessly deep. I also felt the other energies, fire, fire going through me. Sometimes it was even bigger than myself like I was an enormous cloud of fire. In the days and weeks to follow my energetic system was completely out of control, which eventually led to a kundalini awakening, although at the moment I didn't know the concept. It just happened, couldn't prevent it, and it was not traumatic after all.
In the first months, we talked a lot, traveled together in our fantasies. The funny thing is I never believed in the concept of twin souls (and I still do not believe in it), but according to the popular believes we would score a 100%, but for me this would be 'too cheap', too much of a hype. And somewhere deep down I do consider us two different beings, not one. Although our energies mix and mingle on all kinds of levels you can imagine. I've even met his Higher Self, who came to talk to me, to give me some explanations, at the moment I wanted to quit the whole dynamic that was going on. I now understand what is going on, at a high level, but it left me unsatisfied with the low level of everyday life.

At this moment our contact is still intact, but we lowered down a lot. We both don't want to disrupt the lives we already live in, we decided to never meet in person, we already consider us 'cheating', because we didn't tell our spouses about this. We are both very ethical and we both feel responsible for the families that rely on us. Breaking up is impossible, a real-life relationship is impossible too.
Our finding of each other doesn't make sense to us. We didn't ask for it, we didn't plan it, it goes against our ethical believes, but it is highly magical and strong. So now we are in a stage for some time that we wonder if we are going to send greetings forth and back the rest of our lives, or that we are going to create our own meaning and purpose out of it, despite of the distance. I asked his permission to dig in our past lives. I really need to ask that first, because we both 'know' there will be a lot of dirty stuff under the surface. Ironically my friend is a former reincarnation therapist, but this is not part of our dynamic. On the contrary, he never confirms anything, never gives a clue away. I'm on my own, so to speak.
But he is ok with it. He's curious about what will come up (but still not giving no clue, not giving an inch away, it will be my own journey).

So in the next post, I'll describe what I've found so far, I really want to stay anonymous, which means that I cannot write down everything because some things would probably identify me. But I'll do my best.

 

Bohemia (1)

The very first images that came to me were very clear. I was along a small country road. There must have been regular traffic because there were wheelspores. It was summer, high grasses on both sides of the road. As soon as I realized that I might be in a spontaneous past life memory, I looked down to see my clothes. I was female, I wore a kind of travel skirt made of special leather. Probably (but not sure) I even wore a kind of leather trousers, together with the skirt. I didn't see my feet nor shoes. The leather was soft and souple, almost like woven material. I looked to the right and there was a man. I could see his body, but not his head/face. He also wore clothing made of the same kind of leather. My focus was mostly in the leather, because I knew it was meaningful. It meant that we were not poor, no farmers, the clothing was too expensive. First I thought maybe hunters of from a hunting family, but that never came back (no additional clues, nor weapons). Behind my back was a toddler with fair blond curls. It felt as if it was a little boy, but I never looked closely.
Our energy was the same kind, a little nervous character, action-orientated, healthy and strong. There was some kind of sorrow, but at the same time, I felt free as a human being, which was special while being a woman at that time, and there was equality between me and my supposed husband.
It must have been somewhere in the Middle Ages, and we were on a journey. I don't remember carrying weapons. Sometimes we were on a flat open wagon, going very slowly with an irritating noise from the wheels.

....

I saw a square tent, also an extremely clear vision. It was not a tent to sleep in. More like a diplomatic tent for whatever purpose. Outside the tent, on top, were specific little flags and they had a special meaning because the entire image was 'frozen' (no sound, no movements) except for the little special flags that moved in the wind, asking all the attention from me.

....


After this came the image of rock formations. I couldn't figure out what the meaning was of seeing them, until one day I came across pictures of these... and then I understood that these rocks indicated place: Bohemia. But that was after I already suspected Bohemia to be something.



The former images came together as a cluster. Very sharp pictures, sharper than 'daydreams'.

 

Bohemia (2)

I forgot, there was an image of a round, white tower as well in the former cluster. I got a good look at this tower, somebody telling me that the roof should be the same color as a boletus badius (a mushroom I am familiar with because I love to search that kind in the woods). A voice telling me that as soon as I would find that tower, I would understand it all.

....

The next phase was getting panic attacks around the contact with my friend. I felt ashamed and didn't mention it at first, because in normal life I never experience fear. I felt silly about it.
Then one day, the panic overwhelmed me, and I got visions again. I was somewhere in an ancient, stone building, at the stairs of the first floor. I think a kind of castle. I felt terrible. I knew I was personally safe, but my loved one was in a dungeon, and to be executed the next day, and there was nothing I could prevent it from happening. I didn't see things, I knew all I wanted to know. Well, I looked down to see me wearing a long dress, meaning I was back in the civilized world. I knew my father wanted me back into the family, to give me another chance for my future. My loved one hadn't committed a crime but was made victim in a dirty game of politics. He didn't have to die but was sacrificed for some unknown reason. He might have been a diplomat, a courier of a message, and once delivered the message he was thrown in prison. His death might have been the message to those who had to send him on his mission, like: we don't care about what you propose, and you know what? We just kill your messenger, just because we feel like doing so. Something like that.
He was one of the young sons of a noble family, but not to inherit any properties or money. Plain poor in fact, except being a member of a noble family.
I was in shock in my flashback. I was in shock reliving this in real life. It felt so real, that it almost made me sick.

 

Bohemia (3)

Now I go back prior to knowing that my friend and I share histories in past lives. In fact, while having these dreams, I was not aware that he was coming back into my life, I thought we had lost contact or whatever. He was not in my mind.

first dream
I had a series of dreams, telling me about the history of my past and my group of people. I have always been very conscious of belonging to a group of people.
In these dreams, we were like tourists in a white touring-car. In the beginning, we all didn't have much 'character'. After each bus stop, we changed seats without much preference. Changing from bus partner felt like changing from a life partner. I had at least three different male partners, but emotionally it didn't mean much. One moment the bus drove over an old bridge and the view was so beautiful that I wanted to record it for the future. I tried to capture the sight with a camera, but I felt sad and philosophical about it, that the frame of the camera limited the memory. The overall beauty of the scene was impossible to capture by a little square frame of a photo camera.

While driving suddenly I was lifted from the bus, and I knew I was taken back into a former past. I saw two children playing, and I asked the girl (about nine years old) her name, and she gave me a peculiar name. I knew she was the sister of one of my partners on the bus, and I knew she was alive on that bus too, so I did my math: this flashback was about 10 years back. Next moment I was back on the bus.

The bus drove slowly into an old town. It turned to the right, and on the left, I could see a street with houses, and higher up like a hill I saw two towers of a cathedral. It was the Middle Ages, somehow.
On the right was a tavern with a hanging board. When I looked at it, it came alive. It became a black burned like skeleton with a hat of a bishop. The odd figure started dancing in the middle of the street, but with shocking movements, so strange that it sucked up all my attention, which made me wake up.

second dream
The bus had made a big tour, but the dream started when the bus came back to the same city. Everybody was dusted, and much older. All the passengers had fully developed personalities by now, a lot of colorful characters. The bus stopped by the cathedral. There was a kind of museum adhered to it, a former workplace of woodcarvers. I walked along with the wooden panels, and a voice said that it was important to be conscious of this part of the history. I was not sure if I was so much interested in this part of history, but I was polite and behaved like a good tourist.. ha, ha...
Then suddenly somebody broke into my dream, grabbing my face firmly, telling me that he had observed me long and thoroughly and that his conclusion was that I was too good to be with this people. That I should leave them. I made myself free from this person, with the idea that I make my own decisions, and I walked towards my husband from this lifetime.
I also managed to get a quick look inside the cathedral. It was a bit dark, I got the sensation of a huge hight inside. But we had to hurry. Our tour was almost over. The personalities of all the people of the group had become so explicit, that we were no longer a unity, we had to fly out to find our own ways.
[I skip the last part of the dream, where we departed from each other, not relevant for the Bohemian story, and there are even two more bus dreams with follow up]

Prague
It really took me some time to figure out the clues from the dreams. I knew it was important. I searched on the internet for burned bishops, the black death, etc. Until I read about another disease that followed after the Plague/black death in the Middle Ages when people were still weak and not fully recovered: Saint Vitus dance disease. It clicked in my head: A cathedral on the background, in front of an odd moving/dancing skeleton with the hat of a bishop, like a Saint Vitus dance. The great cathedral of Prague is called the Saint Vitus Cathedral. I even found pictures of Prague that took my breath away. I found out that the second building master of the cathedral, Peter Parler, was a master sculptor and woodcarver, so once there must have been workplaces of woodcarvers around the cathedral. I found pictures of the kind of wooden panels I saw in my dream. I found pictures of the round glass window I saw. I found pictures of the interior of the cathedral that match exactly my feeling.
I don't have to convince anybody, but I hope this expresses my excitement of confirmation. Even the bridges of Prague...

Anyhow, this happened one or two months before my flashbacks started with my friend, and how does this relate to one other?

The tower
I did found the tower back I was looking for.

next to the cathedral...
It was a great shock when two different searches finally linked to each other. This was the tower when a voice said that once I found it, I would understand...
Well, there is still a little bit of confusion. I've never been to Prague in this life, and according to my online search there seem to be more similar towers in Prague: Mihulka, the Powder Tower and the Daliborka Tower. Maybe different names for the same tower, maybe similar towers. But bad news anyway. Such a tower was a prison for noble prisoners. The Daliborka Tower even has dungeons and a history of torture.
So even if the tower next to the Saint Vitus Cathedral is not the horror prison, it still doesn't change the story if there are two or three identical towers in that city.

So far my search until now. From here I want to discover what happened to the 'old me' in history afterward. I really cannot say anything about dates. I even consider that there might be more than one story in that city because timelines don't seem to fit.

 

Bohemia (4)

Yes, I told my friend. He didn't react for two days, and when he did he was upset and almost angry. He told me that the past two days had been difficult for him. He didn't confirm my story, because he had no memory of it, but he had recognized this pattern from other lives. A lot of lives of being tortured and locked up for no other crime than his convictions. And so the memories he already had, had come back to haunt him after reading my story.
I hadn't expected this reaction. I guess I had hoped for confirmation in a light and easy way. Now it felt as if he was angry with me by bringing back memories he thought he had already dealt with.
Later he apologized for this reaction, realizing that it was not my fault.
Just one remarkable thing. When he said that he didn't share my memory, he did say that he only remembered himself being an alchemist in 'that time' (or place), someone obsessed about discovering something.

So I looked at the map of Prague this morning. The Daliborka Tower was a prison for noble prisoners and rioters for quite some time, and the Mihulka Tower must have had an alchemists' laboratory.

http://www.prague.cz/mihulka/

I cannot connect all the dots, so perhaps there are more separate lives involved, all taken place in Prague.
One life as a member (or family member) in the guild of woodcarvers (14th century), one century later when the cathedral was completed, my friend as an alchemist (with or without me), a life of me losing my lover/husband.
But.... next clue... emperor Rudolph II ... he traveled between Spain and Prague for some time. This feels like my next step to discover because he can connect other dots of me in a past life from Spain during the reign of Felipe II. Usually, I am never an important person in my past lives, mostly observer. Until now never poor, but no power nor money of my own (until now I mostly remember lives as a female). So like a wild guess, I might have traveled from Spain to Prague in that time as one of the many court members, maybe a nanny, or a younger sister of somebody more important. Or a cook... it's still wild guessing until new information will show up.

 

Día de Los Muertos

The next part of the story happened two years ago. I am struggling about whether to tell or not, but today's date smiles in my face, saying: throw it all out, girl!

First of all: I was not raised a catholic (although my father was when I was born), so there never was a meaning for me around today's date.

I'll start at the end of October 2014. I was busy making paintings of faces in our attic. I live in an apartment building, and all tenants share parts of the huge attic. It is a good place to be undisturbed. These days I started to notice annoying things: moving objects, lamps going on and off, noises, smells... I knew something or someone was trying to be noticed, but I was not interested. It didn't scare me, because I am kind of used to strange things, and it is never threatening. And besides, I had a kind of agreement with my spiritual guide. He would keep away from me anything and everything that was low, uninvited and undesired. Only 'the good' was allowed to come to me, and in case of doubt, my spiritual guide had my permission to decide on my behalf. Since this arrangement in 2008, my life had become very peaceful and safe.

This story is going to be weird, and difficult to tell in chronological order, and even my notes don't help, because in the moment of the events I didn't see any logic.

I became aware of the strong presence of something or somebody while being in the attic. I heard the noise of empty glass bottles (out of sight, but real existent), the smell of something burning near those bottles another time, I heard little things moving, one time I heard the metal screws in a plastic box making a sound. Then one night I ran upstairs to find something, and while being there I heard a kind of voice. Not something in my head, but real sound. Not a voice like something human, but like an EVP, using surrounding background noise. It wasn't a meaningful thing, but I was almost shocked. Then I felt the buzzing near my right arm, knowing somebody wanting to enter my aura. Although I am familiar with this, it freaked me out this time. My nerves cracked, and I ran away back home. This was the first time ever that something came near me uninvited (since my deal in 2008), and I almost felt 'violated', just because I didn't know what or who it was.

After calming down, I thought it might have to do with my friend, the one I mentioned before. I believed his spirit to be strong enough for doing this kind of tricks. Two days before he had written me out of the blue again (after six months of silence) and I had decided to wait several days before responding, just to make him feel waiting for a little while (silly, I know). So I wrote to him, asking directly if he had 'done' something, but he denied any responsibility for being the ghost in my attic. I took his word for his word.
Meanwhile, lamps went on and off. A never functioning lamp started to shine again without warning. Little objects started moving in front of my eyes. Yeah, real fun.

I decided to ask for help from a dear friend. We can feel each other in emergency cases, and she was willing to help, and she is soooooooo good in these matters. We held our conversations online, in a Facebook chat.
My girlfriend tried to tune in, but she didn't succeed. She sensed two presences near me, a little girl asking my attention, and another heavy presence that didn't want to reveal his identity to her. He was only focused on me. We cleared the story of the girl (very emotional for me), but the other one stayed anonymous.
Then she suggested to bring in my spiritual guide. I told her I had broken with my guide for some time, due to some things that had happened that I didn't understand. I had reasons to believe that my spiritual guide had fallen out of his role as a guide, and had become too personal.
My girlfriend ignored this and said that I had to focus on my guide as an intermediary and on love in my heart. I tried, and the moment I felt my heart warm and open, exact that moment I felt 'his' presence entering me, through my complete body. His words came as a poem. We were one for some moments, and I wrote down the words that came up.

I cannot mirror nor experience myself
Only through you
will you help me
please?​

My girlfriend and I decided that I should cut off this contact, for it had an unhealthy twist. Above all, I didn't have tender feelings towards this Presence. But he returned back into my body, asking again for the help, rather emotionally. He also asked me not to be afraid, because that was not his wish.
And slowly I started to recognize this energy as a friend. In the days to follow we had conversations in my head. He told me to take better care of myself. I had already noticed that from the beginning I had talked to him in Spanish, even in the attic. I asked him why he was still wearing a kind of mask, and his reply without words was: If you knew who I am, I wouldn't have a chance... I knew it had to do with Mexico, somehow. By synchronicity I received three Mexican songs, the three together telling a story, giving a message. About pure love and betrayal and forgiveness.

These days were good, talking in my head with this old friend Juan (he told his name and family name, but no face). I decided to forgive and ask forgiveness back for the things I might have done without knowing now. But I didn't feel any love, except a friendly feeling, so I also decided to use the first and second of November to set free the souls of the girl (my never born daughter) and this old-time lover. I did my own little ceremony, I even did it the Mexican way with marigolds and an extra plate of food in the house. Exactly two years ago now.

(and of course, all the disturbing events had stopped)
Oh, btw, we had sent the little girl to the Light. I didn't think about doing the same with my former ghost. My opinion was that he was clever enough to find his way, more important was that we had cleared old troubles between us.

 

E ti vengo a cercare

I cannot stop writing now. It is not that I don't have friends to talk about reincarnation or spiritual matters, it is just that I don't want to shock my friends with love stories other than being my husband. It still feels 'wrong', but they happen and unfold without seeking them. And the more I understand, the stranger it gets. So I have told people bits and pieces, but I am entering to see the bigger picture, and I cannot deal with it.

So, next is
the story of me and my personal guide.
In the year 2008, some remarkable things happened. It all started magically with ufo sightings (real, more witnesses) but I'll leave that out of the story. I mention it because these events really changed something in my head. It didn't change my character, but it made me aware and more conscious, more sensitive than ever before. I think from then on I gave myself permission to be more open to other unexplainable phenomena. I've been sensitive all my life, but I had blocked a lot with my skeptical approach.

I started to investigate the 'rumors' of each of us having a personal guide. I tried different approaches, first with automatic handwriting. It was an uneasy process learning to trust myself and learning to distinguish between self and not-self. I did get some really useful wise advice from someone called Jacob. I am still grateful for that advice about how to handle with my children because it really worked out that way. But then someone else entered, a happy friend. I stuck with him because he cheered me up over and over again. No big life lessons, but a lot of fun, a 'real' imaginary friend. No more writing, straight through the mind. He is a music lover and loves to communicate through music and songs. But in a really funny way. We sang (in silence) silly songs about friendship, one line by me, the next by him. At unexpected moments he started singing, which made me laugh. I really needed this kind of friendship at that time, like brother and sister, because life was not easy for me then.
Years went by, and of course, the interaction was sometimes more and sometimes less, but I always felt protected and safe since we had connected consciously, like big brother watching over me. It was ok.
I think about four years ago I slightly started to sense a difference in our communication. I was no longer focussed on funny stuff, my life had balanced itself, I needed less support, sometimes I even forgot about my guide.
And slightly I started to get suspicious, but it took a really long time before I could lay my hands on it. His behavior changed (strange to say about an imaginary friend, but ok...), he became more and more personal. I got the feeling that his role was changing. I heard words in my head like: I am coming... Not once, but often, so he made me nervous. I don't remember exactly all that happened, but I sensed more and more a kind of growing personal love, other than the happy singing past we shared. Till one night when I felt depressed, a seldom occurring thing in my life. It was a feeling of feeling homesick to 'my people', missing the people I'd never met in life, but I knew they were there somewhere. I felt so miserable that I decided to go to bed. I laid down my head, thinking about several things, and suddenly out of nowhere, I heard music playing. I thought it came from another apartment at first. Then I discovered my iPod under some pillows. The thing played music, and I was surprised that it had speakers of itself because I only use the iPod with little ears in.
The song that was playing struck me as being struck by lighting. It was a complete answer to my state of being at that moment.


English translation for those who don't understand Italian:
And I Come To Search For You
Versioni: #1#2
And I come to search for you
even only to see you or to speak
because I need your presence
to understand better my essence
it borns from divine mechanics
a mystic and sensual rapture
confines me to you
I should change the object of my desires
not to please me with the small everyday joys
to make like a hermit
who resigns to himself
And I come to search for you
with the excuse of having to talk with you
because I like what you think and what you say
because in you I see my roots.
This century now eventually
saturated with parasites without dignity
only pushes me to be better
with more will.
To emancipate me from the nightmare of passions
to search the One above the Good and the Evil
to be a divine imagine
in this reality.
And I come to search for you
because I feel well with you
because I need your presence

I tried to stop the iPod from playing, but the thing didn't listen to me. I was forced to hear another (meaningful) song, and only then I could silence it. I was almost in shock, and on top of that, after the music came to an explosion of love right to my face. I don't have words to describe that experience.
It was all too much, I ran out of my bedroom and started to wander up and down the house until I got calmer. But I decided that my guide had crossed the line and that I didn't want this anymore. So I threw him out of my system and blocked him completely. I didn't want this personal stuff in my life.

Half a year later I stayed the night at a friend's house. The next morning she came to me in her pajamas with a notebook. She told me that during the night 'somebody' had woken her up, asking her to give me a message. She had seen a man with a description that didn't make any sense to me, but as soon as she came with two specific lovesongs... I knew.... (****! he did it again, now using somebody else).
I was really touched by those songs, which made me feel sad, they were really, really meaningful, but still, I didn't want to do anything with it nor with the sender of the message. I felt betrayed by this so-called spirit guide. This was not supposed to be his role in my life.

 

Next

Maybe some clever people already feel it coming. I didn't, that's for sure.

A few months later I met this friend online. We felt connected from the beginning. Guess what, he is a music lover and loves to express his feelings through music. One day, after another little short depression of myself (they only take hours) around the same theme of feeling a deep missing, he sends seemingly by coincidence exact the same song that I had received through the friend where I had stayed the night once. This exploded in my head, asked immediately why he had done that, but he just said that it was one of his most favorite songs about longing and searching for a long lost love (not that Italian song). Nothing more, and I started to forget this incident. After a few months, he left the online community with a huge dispute with one of my friends. I tried to mediate between them, without success. He was sooo angry, believe it or not, but my pc blacked out three times during these mediation talks with him. I also started to see visions that didn't belong to me, and I said to him that I didn't want to cross that line, that I didn't want to look in his head/past or whatever. I gave it back and closed the door, so to speak. (He hadn't been aware of this happening).
So we stayed in contact, with large intervals between communication.
Last time, after a full year without contact, he sends that song he had send before, just to re-establish contact. I laughed, and we started talking again.
But this time I started to connect dots somewhere deep down in me. I started to see the similarities, between character, between the same focus, the same love for communicating by songs, the same songs !!!, the same energy print, the coincidences, ... I didn't understand it, but I had to know... Something huge was getting a shape...

So I send him an invitation to meet in a city in between, just to have some coffee together and have a talk. He refused because for him it wouldn't be a neutral meeting, but a meeting that would turn upside down our lives. While discussing this, the things happened as I mentioned before, the energy exchange. As soon as I felt the same explosion of love I had experienced that night with the iPod, I knew for sure that all those 'men' were one and the same. I don't know how it is possible, but my friend is the same as my supposed spirit guide, and the same visitor called Juan, it is him all the time. Different aspects, but all the same fingerprint.

I have so many questions about how this is possible. These 'aspects', these parts of him act independently. He is not aware of them. Of course, I told my friend everything, and he had no clue how to call his other 'selves' back.
I've seen this Juan in the face, no more masks.. and he was one of the faces I had painted, a face that had kept coming and coming over again. The moment I saw his face, I was so surprised that I shouted: Aaah, you are The Magician. I really, really don't know why I reacted like that, but I recognized him on a certain level. He only smiled back to me, a satisfied smile.
Btw, this face is somehow like my friend's face, the eyes are the same, the rest has a slight difference, the nose has a different shape, but only if you look from aside, and the skin is darker. That's it.

It was a lot to tell, but I did tell because I hope one day somebody will give me clues to understand this complex situation. How it is possible to meet someone before meeting him. This guide person was really a spirit. I know the difference in communication. This ghost person was not a spirit, had an aura, couldn't communicate without manipulating matter.
At this very moment, he is not completely gone, but now he is more spirit than before. Still manipulates, more sophisticated, higher energies. I like him, I really do. He is fun in his own way. The so-called spirit guide is completely gone and vanished, no trace to be found.

 

Hi Seline,
What a nice reply. I'll try to answer your questions. Yes, of course, it is intense sometimes. The funny thing is that my daily me is empty and peaceful. I never look for things (or trouble), things happen to me. Often I just say 'No', and sometimes I really enjoy focussing myself on a 'search'.

Yeah, you bet... He takes me highly seriously. I've seen him on more occasions, also in the astral world. He never likes the way I identify him because it is always because of something he doesn't want to know about himself. "I am not like that in this life" is his almost automatic response.
We are both aware of 'soul retrieval'. But theory is one thing, living the theory is quite something else, that's sooo confusing and confronting. So we deny and pretend it isn't there (we both do often at first).

According to him, this has happened to us over and over again. But he doesn't give me clues, he lets me find out myself. I have to cure my own wounds, otherwise, the old patterns cannot be broken. So that's why I came to this forum.

Did you write on this forum about them? I would love to read your story. And yes, I also know that feeling of a double identity. I am not focussed on 'proof', but on 'experience'. I don't accept anything that I haven't experienced myself. And of course... I keep my imaginary friends to myself in daily life. LOL. But they are very real to me, and also to other people that are also sensitive.
But what is 'proof'??
I'll tell something more about that girl from my story. This is also remarkable. I was already told once by an (online) friend that he sensed a little girl in my house, living in the corner, just behind my chair. I responded that I was not aware of her and that I didn't care. He told me I was supposed to send her to the Light, but I refused, saying that I would never send a child out of my house, and if she wanted to be there, so be it. Much later my other friend also sensed her during that online session we did. I left this out of my story, but this girl also came 'through' me somehow, but this gave me an awful feeling, not easy to explain. My friend helped her to get out of me, etc. etc. I found out she was my unborn daughter in this live etc. etc. and finally we send her to the Light, in love. So far it could have been my personal fantasy, partly shared with this friend.
Here comes the twist. Sometime later I came to talk with my female neighbor who lived in the apartment just next to me. I have my table and computer just next to her bedroom, and this little girl (that I'd never sensed myself) 'lived' behind my back (less than a meter behind me, and in fact even closer to my neighbours bed). In all those years she and I had never ever talked about spirits, but we started talking somehow. And she told me spooky stories about our apartment building, but most of all.... a little girl in the corner of her room that made her crazy. Because of the girl, she didn't want to sleep anymore in her bed in her bedroom. She had hired (!) people to get rid of the girl spiritually, but it never worked. This neighbor now considered breaking down some walls to see if there was somebody to be found. I am not making this up, she was deadly serious. (my corner was her corner too)
I didn't know how, but very carefully I tried to tell her that this little girl had left recently, and was not to come back.
Some months later, I asked her about the girl, and she said with a happy face that indeed the girl had gone.
Is this 'proof' ??

 

You are absolutely right. I was just writing about soul retrieval in my reaction to Seline, while your response came in as well. I'll study your reply more closely, and respond later.

 

Crycat, your guts work very well. I agree with you about everything.
My very first reaction to my friend F (lol, he has a name now) was that he had to call his aspect back to himself. I wrote that the very next day after I had sensed something was trying to enter my aura. My instinct had recognized it immediately. He responded that he couldn't deny anything, but that he was not aware of anything, and that he even didn't know how. And there started the confusion, the denying. So I came to the conclusion that I had overlooked something else, and my own denying started as well.
I tried it again though, more than a year later, and send him one day the full transcription of my online conversation with my girlfriend, and he didn't respond in a meaningful way. So once again I thought my instincts must have been wrong.
But he was only watching me struggling, and felt really sorry for me, he told me later. He just doesn't interfere in my processes. And besides that, he didn't like the character of this 'Juan', too obsessed, too impolite, too rude. This was not how I had experienced it, not at all. (mirror, mirror on the wall... lol)

Anyhow, it works both ways. I'm not interfering in his processes as well. I really don't believe it when he's saying he doesn't know how to call this aspect back to him.

And yes again about why we don't meet. We want and we don't want. We know we have to clear things up, for our own sake and the sake of our higher selves. The attraction and the energetic connection is often too much to handle, even with the distance, but we also have to honor the lives and choices we've made so far in this life. This is not 'normal' love, this is bigger, and on a soul level. But to be honest, our little selves are mostly feeling clueless.
Now and then our wiser parts come in, or our former personae, even our higher selves interfere sometimes, so confusing.

 

Mere Dreamer, thank you very much for your reaction.

You made me smile with this...

... because Little me is not wise at all. She is used to jumping into situations, completely blindfolded and deaf for good advice as well. She wants to experience it all, and apparently she decided now to experience how it feels to react in a wise manner. Just a choice.
But... is it wise for her to reveal her most inner secrets to complete strangers like she is doing now? She doesn't know, just one of her many numerous jumps into the unknown. Without a doubt this will lead to great insights, meeting new interesting souls online, but good things usually pair with less desired or less consciously chosen aspects. Sometimes the pain wasn't deliberately chosen to experience, but it just happened to be in the same package/box.
Ok, I don't want to be dramatic, my thoughts just wander quickly along.

Yeah, me too. So confusing. But to me, this explanation is not enough. Recently I had a really mindblowing encounter with my friends Higher-self. I had just cut off the cords because I thought I was on my way to becoming insane. It was not healthy to experience so much interaction (I also can feel my friend physically and emotionally) without any outlet or any prospect of meeting each other in the physical plane of this life. I thought maybe the true meaning was letting go... (We are to meet each other in the Afterlife anyway). I also had observed things that made me feel crazy because they were denied by my friend. So I told him I was withdrawing myself from our (for me) unhealthy dynamic. I felt miserable (like a widow), but decided to face it all in order to choose for my own good. I went to bed, but I am not a crying person (I never do), so I was just feeling serious and miserable, and this time I really, really questioned myself being or becoming crazy. I also wondered if I was experiencing a nervous breakdown.
Then as if from behind my back a voice said to me: What if.... all the things you observed were to be true... then what...?? (my friend and I had some disagreements)

My response was: Well then I would really be crazy. I felt this being smiling behind my back, and I knew without hearing words: as soon as you know something to be true and not to be true at the same time, you know you are on the right track, girl!

And instantly my awareness was lifted up to another dimension/level. I knew I was still lying in my bed, but at the same time, I found myself in another realm, a formless space. I saw a man in his forties, pacing around, moving. I knew this form of his was chosen to be comfortable for me to look at. There was a conversation without words. It was instant knowledge in my head, or images or concepts I easily understood. I got several confirmations that I had read out our situation the way it was. I was aware that this 'man' was my friend's Higher-self. I couldn't see my own Higher Self, as if she was behind my back, but the man only directed to me. Maybe I was merged with my own Higher self for a brief moment, but at the same time I could not process all the information that came to me, so there was still Little me in that place. And so many things happened at the same time. I felt as if I was in the area where All could happen, literally Anything was possible. Just in one of the corners of Creation. I was aware that both our Higher selves were extremely focused on each other. Curiosity was the keyword. We came from a group of awarenesses that create. We were just observing and testing if and how Life was functioning, we were testing how human psychology worked out in reality. I understood there were no fixed outcomes because Free Will was a real factor. I understood that the two of us had decided to observe from two opposite sides at the same time, always. 'They' had created situations for the both of us, just to see how we would react.

Well, my reaction was that this would have made my friend and I tot be helpless puppets in a play, but that was denied to be the case, it was much bigger than that because there was actually no distinction between my Higher Self and my Little me. We create and we are our creations at the same time.

This was a mindblowing moment to realize, there were several mindblowing moments, but I don't recall them all, because all of it was quite overwhelming, to be in a position to overlook Life and even beyond that. I was in a place where Everything and Anything was possible.

My next question was if this playing around was worth all the 'time' (in my language this is a certain expression), and what about the 'puppets' gaining too much consciousness, spoiling the investigation results... (lol).
The answer was an almost careless shrugging of the shoulders like he said: If so, well, then we just start all over again. And I saw an image of designing and building a new world, just for the fun of doing it, no other meaning than that.

Our 'conversation' ended where we started: me becoming crazy and leaving my friend. His Higher Self didn't push me into any direction, but asked me, considering all the given information, if I was still going to make the same decision. Saying that there were no illusions, except for thinking that there was only the choice between A and B (leaving and staying in this case).

I said to my own Higher self (although I still couldn't see her) that I would agree on continuing my life as before, but in return, I wanted something back. This kundalini stuff had to be stopped immediately because I was fed up with it. Two seconds... and all the energies had left my body, and I felt a long-desired rest over me. This gave me the confidence for my second request: I want to write a book, make sure I will succeed. (lol)

Then I came back to 3D reality. It took me days and days to find words and order in describing this experience.

Wow, another long post. My fingers just don't want to stop moving on the keyboard.

 

tanguerra, yes I do, but I am still not the old me. My 'problem' started the moment the energies of my friend and mine started to meet and to mingle, and my body was not ready to handle those extreme energies. First of all, because it came as a surprise, no theoretical or physical preparation. After a few weeks I experienced a full awakening/rising of the kundalini, I didn't know, it just happened. My friend was amazed, he did recognize it from my descriptions, even send me information about kundalini, but I thought he referred to some pathetic lifeless meditation technique, and I was not open to yogi stuff, because I was convinced that my experience had been bigger than life itself, as it had ended in some kind of cosmic understanding.
Later on, I did my own research, but the other way around. I searched on the internet for specific parts and keywords of this experience, and I found stories of people who had also experienced spontaneous awakenings, so in the end, I reconciled myself with this word kundalini.
But it didn't stop, it just continued. The balance (well, at least within me) is not something static, it wants to find itself over and over again. It is not just about seven chakras, I experienced hundreds of them.
That's why I asked this all to stop because it was annoying me. I didn't have terrible side effects by the way, but I suspect that I not only had to constantly rebalance my own energetic system but our shared system as well.
And this all stopped, within two seconds. Amazing. Finally some rest and peace.
It's not gone forever, I know it all can come back, but for the moment I prefer it this way.