I do wish you well. In another post you said you wish you were anyone else other than yourself. That's something I can relate to, when I was in my later years at school in particular, I used to look around at the others, even people I didn't like or look up to, and wished I could be them instead. But something came to me, not immediately but some time afterwards, I realised something. I didn't know what went on inside other people's heads, or what sort of family or other situation they had, away from the school environment where I know them, But I understood that what went on inside their heads, their thoughts, their preoccupations, everything would be very different to what went on inside my head. If I really, truly did become that other person, I'd suddenly find my head stuffed with all these other 'alien', very different thoughts, and I would have to give up everything which I considered interesting or worthwhile or important. All of my own hopes and dreams would be vaporised, I would be wiped out. And than I realised I just didn't think that was a price worth paying. No matter what my own pains, struggles and difficulties, I was ME, and that was what mattered. I hope you can at least accept yourself, see that you have something important, you have life and you are YOU. Learning to love yourself may take longer, but please, do treat yourself as someone of value and importance. You matter.