Did I meet my past life soul mate and why did I lose him forever?

Discussion in 'Past Life Memories' started by pariah_autist, Jul 10, 2018.

  1. pariah_autist

    pariah_autist 1st life: gerbil

    Joined:
    Jul 10, 2018
    Messages:
    14
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Florida
    Hello all... I came across this forum searching about this question... 5 years ago I came across somebody who I felt had an intense emotional connection/attachment to immediately when he made himself known to me... This is a long post and a re-post of the whole story so please read if you have patience and any advice on this....

    I was not aware of him fully until he came up to me as I was working, chatted me up, touched my hands, etc.. And acted quite cute/silly and nice around me, even sweet talking me and calling me dear... When I eventually looked up from my autistic shell and saw his face I immediately recognized him, and it was easy to say almost any thing to him, and his presence made me quite happy inside.... But It started with dreams when I first started working at this place and further along synchronicities, realization of a past life dream from years before, and some very intense feelings which activated some kind of intense kundalini healing (that moment would be described, beyond words... The most amazing feeling/moment I ever had in my life **and it changed the way I saw reality... As much more vibrant, fluid, and I felt much more conscious of every thing around me, and even physically and mentally lighter)... And the general feeling I had around this guy was emotionally highly tense and energetic in a positive way, a strongly intoxicating feeling I have yet to find in any guy I've ever met... Sigh.... None of these was actually confirmed verbally by this guy, and I didn't have contact with him besides at work (in fact by the time I quit the job, it seemed like he was avoiding me)... Yet it seemed we had some unspoken bond/chemistry that had to be denied... And it seems the actual connection with this guy may be lost forever...

    Half a year ago I came off antidepressants and antipsychotics which buried and confused my memories and feelings for the past 4 years (I've also been on and off them since I was a child and it has screwed up my thought process and emotional regulations)... I also been dealing with some issues related to current/past unresolved/untreated abuse so I started thinking back to this guy's healing love effect on me and it became an addiction again, despite this guy not even being here at all... When I am feeling really depressed or angry I start feeling this guy in my heart and this calm energy washes over me, and the more I feel "him" the more my heart starts to glow and even overflow with good feelings.. To the point where it is an all consuming romantic fantasy playing in my head every night and it gets really out of hand in my mind lol... This all started happening in the past month and it feels like there is some kind of revelation in my brain.... But is it an illusion???
    .... Due to my autism/mental condition I've recently gotten into this unhealthy thought loop to where I am obsessing over whether this was some kind of Twin Flame connection and wondering why this connection had to be lost it seems, and yet all these positive feelings related to this guy came back suddenly (the positive intense feelings actually came back as I have been dealing with a situation I felt needed to be dealt with which gave me extreme stress, so I ended up crying over that, a domestic violence issue giving me stress as well, mixed with missing this guy.. Something in my mind 'broke' as I was at the movie theater watching the Solo movie and my heart started overflowing with positive feelings and visions of this guy)... The loss makes me very sad and anguished at times, yet the feelings of the guy have been giving me some peace and good feelings in my heart, somehow, despite uncertain of why I am feeling these good happy feelings, despite losing the guy out of my life due to the circumstances....So I am wondering if this whole thing is/was an illusion? I wrote this recollection of my memories on Wrongplanet but wondering if people here have better insight/comments on this... Full story is linked in another forum thread but that site is down so I've put it in pastebin.. Thanks

    https://pastebin.com/UmidiXpZ

    I just wanna find somebody who can make sense of this....
    Was this guy a past life soul mate? Is this guy a twin flame, if such thing exists? Or is this a karmic situation where a romance or unfair relationship had to be denied (there is a story before this one, which relates to me being emotionally abused/groomed by an older professor [and passing me around to his colleagues humiliating me as well] in college which this story could possibly be like a repeat of...btw, before that scenario, I was not "interested" in older men. I believe the thought pattern was "put into me" by the professors who were highly perverted 'artists').... And yet, why did this guy give me the most profound feeling I ever experienced.... Why I have even tried dating guys and doing sexual things with such guys and the feeling for this guy cannot be re-created by any one..NO ONE...... In fact I'm getting sick of guys who want to force sex or a relationship because I can't possibly imagine loving any body else.... These guys annoy me because they are not like him and they bother me in my gut.. I ended up having sexual relationships with guys who disturbed me and hurt me badly by cheating and abandoning....
    Why do I only love this guy who I cannot have... Is it because he was married and in a superior position..... But it seemed to be more than that with this guy.... Am I evil for feeling this way about this guy and obsessing over some body who probably forgot me years later? Why does it seem like I am such a pariah to most people, get messed with by the teachers, and end up with guys wanting to use me sexually or force bad relationships... And then I end up obsessing over a guy like this....And this kind of behavior makes me an outcast and reject...Sigh.... Quite a few people have also called me schizophrenic and crazy because of stuff like this...Sigh.. Am I? Or am I a tormented soul coping with evil people or unfair situations in reality... Sigh
    Sorry it's a lot of questions.... Basically... Was this a real past life soul mate and why did I lose him?....Can somebody help me solve this?.... Thanks
     
    Last edited: Jul 10, 2018
  2. KenJ

    KenJ Moderator Staff Member Super Moderator

    Joined:
    Aug 21, 2014
    Messages:
    806
    Likes Received:
    416
    Location:
    SW Ohio, USA
    My thoughts are that it was the experience rather that the person that triggered it that was what was important - something to let you feel what was possible, and something that you find fairly soon. To limit yourself to narrowing your feelings to one person that is out of reach is not going to lead to a fulfilling outcome in my opinion. It sounds as though you have been open to experiences that would have been dificult so I don't see you as weak or hiding within yourself, having that strength and ability should help you find what you are after; I wish you good fortune.
     
  3. fireflydancing

    fireflydancing just a fly in the sky Staff Member Super Moderator

    Joined:
    Oct 27, 2016
    Messages:
    599
    Likes Received:
    382
    Hi Pariah-autist,
    Welcome to the forum.
    I don't think you are crazy, not at all. I recognized a lot in your story around this guy.
    I don't know exactly how it all works and a lot of people call it 'twin flames', but there is some kind of pattern among the different kinds of human relationships. What I understand by now is this:
    Sometimes people meet other people of the same frequency. No coincidence. Their souls already know each other from The Other Side and have shared lives together on this side. They are of the same frequency, but very complementary as well. Like you told us you are autistic and this guy was an easy talker.
    The first (and often only purpose) for them to meet is to light each other's fire. Because of their shared frequency and complementary energies, it is possible. You experienced the kundalini energy: that's what I am talking about. The kundalini energy raises your energies even more. You become aware of lower frequencies and that's why you are disgusted by having sex with people with lower vibrations. It can make you really sick, I know.
    You and your former colleague help each other mutually. A relationship in the flesh is not the purpose and that's why one or both are married or in a relationship.
    I've read hundreds of stories and most of them are about married people. Sometimes the two come together and after a short period of love, they split for a long time and often forever.
    You've got to start your own spiritual development, alone. You've got to learn to live with this kundalini energy. If you've had a full rising, it's irreversible. You got to adapt yourself to your changed energy.
    Another thing: it's also about self-love. You've got to learn and to practice self-love. I didn't come up with this myself, people who have gone through the whole process tell this over and over again.
    Finally, it is possible to come together in the end. It does happen, it can take decades in some cases. But first, you have to go through a lot of healing and growth on your own. Like I said: it's a soul thing.

    And: it is totally normal that you get obsessed by this person. It happens to anybody in the same circumstances. You exchanged vital energies and now you are connected on an invisible level. That will not go away, so you've got to learn to cope with it.
     
  4. pariah_autist

    pariah_autist 1st life: gerbil

    Joined:
    Jul 10, 2018
    Messages:
    14
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Florida
    Thanks for the responses... I am afraid I can't keep this energy though, at least not consistently, without getting closure from this guy... The energy has been coming to me recently but it does not make sense to me.... I get waves of deep depression and despair, even suicidal self destructive thoughts and then this heart energy comes to me randomly and washes it all away.... * It gets so intense some times, it's as if he is physically around me or on top of me, or beside me. I also got these feelings at times in the past few years, the strong drug like feeling coming from my heart, randomly but at the time I could not comprehend the feeling being related to him, as I was confused by other guys...

    But It is very hard to keep optimistic thoughts about my life without thoughts of this guy underneath to lift my spirits....My depression has become most lowest it seems past 8 months to where I am often sick in bed and this fantasy is the only thing that makes me feel okay again but it does not last... My own family who I live with is unkind to me and makes me wonder why I am stuck in this situation for life and why I could not stay with this guy, at least as a friend at work to talk to and get away from the house. I really miss that job which I did enjoy working at as it helped me in many ways and gave me a positive outlook and I threw it all away in a loop of depression and overthinking... I even had dreams of living with this guy elsewhere away from my family and the feelings and dreams really kind of deceived me and got my hopes up about something that was technically morally wrong... It seems he wanted to get with me as well but was bound by his own obligations and he seemed at the time unhappy with his own situation by remarks he made and the way he acted towards me...

    .........Why could it not be, while I have seen degenerates and wicked people have loveless, low vibration primal affairs with married people (I have seen the married professor in my college seduce young vulnerable female students and almost me, as well as a guy I talked to online who emotionally abused me had a loveless affair at the same time with a married woman for sex convenience), and this guy I loved with all my heart and soul uncontrollably it seems was denied even a friendship or semblance of contact anymore.... ??? What kind of world is this where this kind of stuff happpens? Why do bad people get what they want? I am sorry for sounding selfish, I am just so upset and fed up by this existance.

    But besides if he really wanted me as much as I wanted him he would have pursued me by now.. Despite that I am not a openly flirtatious or seductive girl and my only real effort was to let him touch me, act cute and happy around him, tell him I had a crush and to draw a picture for him... I am afraid with no closure I cannot move on and not having this person in my life any more without knowing for sure about the past life and kundalini healing effect is an even worse fate than never finding him and experiencing it at all.....!!!!! I kind of wish I never met him now!!!!!!!!
    I am so tormented by negative energy and social isolation in this life that I am afraid I will never have a fulfilling relationship with any one now... Depression has completely crippled me for most of my life, preventing me from loving or getting close to any one except this guy, who somehow managed to get close and inside my emotions and heart completely and yet I could not even hang out with him in a casual setting... And yet guys with bad intentions who want to take advantage and hurt me sexually and emotionally deserve to hang out with me in a casual setting, somehow.... What is wrong with this reality...?

    I am so tired of my toxic and mean family and evil guys with selfish intentions and emotionally abusive preying on me..... Why can't I at least see this guy again....Sorry...... I am really upset right now because my family is not being nice to me rn.... I don't know why I am alive still.... Thanks for your kind responses....

    But do you think this is a pretty certain past life connection? I'm just so sad that I couldn't at least stay in contact with this person... Because he meant the world to me....Why couldn't I at least talk to him again.... I feel like I'm cursed with not being able to communicate with people and about things that matter to me.... And dwelling on the past because it feels like I missed something that I realized was so important.....Why...

    Maybe I am limiting my self now. I tried for the past 4 years to forget him and meet other guys. The medications I was on almost completely buried my memories and feelings of this guy *edit: to the point where I was completely numb to positive or rewarding energy/experiences. But these guys hurt me badly and were not nice people. Why did I deserve dating and sexual encounters with bad guys and not a guy like him? Maybe this guy wasn't the actual ideal guy for me, but I have yet to find any one to make me feel that way, and something about him just can't be re-made or move on to a better person to me... Because there's just not going to be another person... I just can't get over it... I never did...

    Edit: Sorry I got into a really deep dark loop again... There may be other soul mates/possible twin flame out there, and a stronger past life tie with somebody else yet to be revealed... Can a soul mate/tie trigger kundalini like that? Maybe that experience was one sided? And yet, remembering certain interactions and his behavior and even the supervisors behavior (the guy who I talked conspiracy theories about) around me and the guy at the time made me think there was a question I should have been asking him at that time... Just wondering about this guy, and leaving the mystery behind just tears me apart inside...
    By the way, this guy was old enough to be my dad, I think he's around 55 by now and his child is older than I am.. lol... If that is my twin flame... God forbid I heal my self, get a happy healthy lifestyle and am able to even meet him again by the time he dies of old age or related reason... smh.... Sorry.. That was fatalistic.... I'm such a tortured soul... By my own doing perhaps... -.-
     
    Last edited: Jul 10, 2018
  5. fireflydancing

    fireflydancing just a fly in the sky Staff Member Super Moderator

    Joined:
    Oct 27, 2016
    Messages:
    599
    Likes Received:
    382
    Hi Pariah-autistic,

    I can only give you some insights but I guess you already got it:

    This is exactly your job from now on: heal yourself and get a happy lifestyle.
    This is the very meaning of meeting this guy: heal yourself. All those new energies are your new tools.

    I do not doubt that the two of you are related. We could use the word 'twin flame' but this concept gives confusion because there are different contradicting theories around it. I also do not doubt that there are other potential lovers in this world for you. The 'fact' is that you and this guy agreed to help each other in this life. He is not just somebody, he is very close to your own essence. You started your life with a lot of misery and misjudgments. Then he came along and gave you a precious gift. When your energies touched each other and merged somehow, your kundalini started. I know what I am talking about. It happened to me too. Kundalini is Life Force. First, several chakras activate and you don't know what is happening. It was a liquid fire going through my body, like fire circular saws at other moments. For weeks, for months, on and off. And one day I had this incredible experience of a full kind of clearing all the chakra's. And I still didn't know what happened to me but during this last experience, I had a complete trust because the spirit of a former self of my friend was guiding the process. Just like your guy, when situations are tough for you, his spirit comes to help to go through it.

    What most people don't understand is the relation between Kundalini and (good) sex. It's the same energy. When you are experiencing strong Kundalini you are not really interested in body parts, because it is not the physical sex. It's that energy. Sex can evoke the same energy, better say: the merging energies of the two partners.

    You are not crazy thinking about this guy all the time, there is no way you can stop this. But, you've got to find a way to make it bearable. The other person might be aware or might not. It's a soul thing, not a daily life thing.

    Your depressions are called The Dark Night of the Soul. After having met the Other, often people fall into a Dark depression with no way out. It's part of the process of your self-healing. You've got to find your way out, not by will force. One day you be able to see the first spots of light. The other day there will be new spots,
    bigger spots, more light and once you come out of the Dark Night, life will be different, really. Once you've overcome your own Shadow, you'll be a different person. This I can promise you without the doubt. It's part of your spiritual journey. You can go with the flow and let it happen or delay it. That's your personal choice.

    I think I am repeating myself when I say: It is all about you, not about the other. Your soul and his soul agreed to help each other to start the most difficult journey in life: self-realization.
    You will always be connected on a soul level but in daily life the outcome is unsure. You can get stuck in longing for the other or you can pick up the challenge to make a beautiful version of yourself. It's up to you.
     
    AlexD and KenJ like this.
  6. pariah_autist

    pariah_autist 1st life: gerbil

    Joined:
    Jul 10, 2018
    Messages:
    14
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Florida
    Thanks for your honest insights, fireflydancing. Here is another long post so if you have any insights.... xD

    So is it very likely that this guy also had the kundalini awakening? I only recently started reading about twin flames and how they heal each other, but also end up repelling each other by mirroring insecurities.
    Not sure what he feared in me, possibly my inherent strangeness and mental instability, but I was afraid of him possibly being a serial sexual predator (the younger guy at my job who I went out with worked with him on overtime and told me he was not the kinda guy that would have affairs like that), but besides that I was afraid of ruining his life and my/his reputation for getting romantically involved.. I did not hate or have anger towards him but I was tormented and sometimes agitated that I could not date with him... If that is indeed a twin flame connection... I am not sure if I would be a chaser or a runner, as I ended up quitting the job.... Did I run away? Would I push him away by desperately obsessing like this and trying to contact him?... If only I could talk to him again..... But what if he forgot all of this or was not fully aware of this...What if he didn't even like me that was and I took it all the wrong way...xD.. But then why did he tell me about fishing, and being his buddy, welcoming me home, flirting, and even insinuations that made me think of dreams I had about him etc... He must have had similar dreams as well... If only I had just asked him...

    Around that time also as I "regained consciousness" I saw in the guy's eyes some kind of clarity, and he came up to me that week at work but it seemed what happened was unexplainable to me so I did not know how to ask what happened, and I'm sure if he felt that too it would not have been something easily talked about in a workplace without causing problems and starting the humiliating scenario I had in college again... Not long after that point I asked to draw the picture of his dog for him....
    Also around that time, I had come off antidepressants and antipsychotics and thought I was having psychosis symtpoms again (I had done drugs in college, and the hostile environment in art school made me paranoid and scared bordering on psychosis, ending me up in a mental hospital...)... So by the time I quit the job, I wrote off the interactions with the guy as possibly him having ulterior motives (related to my past in college, where the older married professor and his colleagues was grooming and toying with me and others and openly flaunting sexuality involving these people), and me having depressive psychosis and paranoia related to all of that drama... I was in fact so embarassed at myself and my sad past, working there and acting cute and stupid around that guy and the inappropriateness of it all (I was dropped by a temp agency, and started assuming the people at work did not want me around and would humiliate me like in college...), as well as developing a kind of narcolepsy and constant need to sleep I ended up quitting... Sigh

    I really miss that job... I wish I could at least talk to him again, to ask what happened... And to tell him how I really feel... Could I at least contact him again, to be his friend? Or would he reject me...

    Is it possible this guy also feels this positive heart based energy I am feeling recently? It feels like I am having a lot of revelations lately, and at times so much clarity that I feel I could accomplish something important such as the life mission twin flame enthusiasts talk about (I have artistic painting abilities and have made some landscape and portrait type scenes which people appreciate, and want to create some art that has messages of 1. Fighting ethical corruption and evil in politics and society and 2. Capturing the blissful feelings I got from this guy... It is also possible that I dreamed of this guy around the time I had the past life dream, which a male angelic spirit being took me through a doorway and embraced me, causing the same blissful kundalini experience. I made an inaccurate etching of this in art school and I think it was a depiction of some kind of twin flame spiritual union before I ever knew about the term. Although, I ended up throwing away the etchings and most of the art I made at the time)

    When my brother was raging one night in the house, I cried about losing him and asking for his energy back (I buried the feelings and memories until recent). After that point it started coming back, through my heart. Not long after, I was having intense flashbacks from college, and my dad had gotten me to go see the Solo movie with him.. During the movie, 2 hours turned into 2 minutes where my heart was overflowing with feelings of love and visions of this guy. I had visions and feelings that perhaps this guy was consciously recognizing the spiritual connection and feelings of passion and recognition took over me without me consciously trying to force it... After that, I've been having random visions mostly memories of him everywhere I go... The feelings lifts me out of depression and give me clarity but within a same day I get feelings of negativity, heaviness and depression again... I even lash out towards my family members because of this which I feel bad about...
    Is he feeling this too or is this just my memories?
    I hope the family conflict and anguished feelings I have in my life, are not felt by him... I hope he is not mentally tormented as I am.. For the past 4 years, I have been fixating on anger directed at my abusers and feeling so depressed, I could not regain the positivity I felt because of him...

    God I feel crazy for talking about all of this. I can't help but go into detail about all this because it's all been a huge mystery and I've had nobody to confide in about any of it... People call me schizo for getting into these topics... I even feel mischievous like a troublemaker for talking about this online, for fear of being followed by my enemies, or some one who would hate me for this...

    But why does it seem I cannot talk to him any more if this is such a close connection... Would it be wrong to find his number...?

    Thanks....
     
    Last edited: Jul 11, 2018
    fireflydancing likes this.
  7. fireflydancing

    fireflydancing just a fly in the sky Staff Member Super Moderator

    Joined:
    Oct 27, 2016
    Messages:
    599
    Likes Received:
    382
    Nope, probably not. I have read a lot of real stories and often it is only one of them. Often the other is not aware of what is happening, although on a soul level things do happen.
    It can take decades in some cases. Not always, but often.

    I'll explain my situation. Mine is a crazy story. In short: I've never seen him in real life. He had been with me on different energy levels during the years and then I met 'my guy' on the internet. From the very first moment he appeared he felt like a friend, this was a mutual feeling. For years we were just internet friends, until the moment I proposed we should meet in person in a public place like a coffee bar. He refused, saying from his point of view it was impossible. I was not just a friend to him. I fully realized the meaning of this message and the heartchakra opened. It was enormous. Like in front of me was a huge ball of energy which was at the same time a kind of portal to his heart. His love for me was so big and intense, I felt it all and I couldn't grasp it.
    I felt his energy going through me, like electricity. The first chakra to go crazy was the Solar Plexus, it behaved like a circular saw, made of fire.
    Remember, we were not together in the physical plane. The distance between us didn't play a role with this energy exchange. I didn't know about twinflames nor kundalini. Well, of course I knew those concepts, but I didn't relate them to my own experiences. My friend did. He gave me some hints but I didn't pick them up.
    The next two years we had constant conversations. From the beginning I said: I don't know what is happening, but I am not willing to mess up my current life. Neither do I, he said. Us meeting, was bigger than Life itself, we were blown away. We didn't want to cheat on our partners, so we decided never to meet each other in person, no phone calls no messages on mobile phones, no cameras. But we didn't want to deny what was happening. We were both in a bad relationship. We both were married to someone from another country, we both were the providers of income, and both of our partners depended too much on us to be able to survive a separation because of bad health of our partners and the fact that they live in a foreign country without family to rely on.
    We talked by the computer and on an energy level. I got panic attacks, remembering a mutual past life with a trauma. He didn't have the same memories but he believed me without hesitation. We exchanged every single inch of our lives and feelings, I guess you can call it emotional cheating, but we didn't care. We changed, we healed. We both could change place almost literally. Change body and perspective. A real and profound transformation took place in each of us separately. I was used to my dominating male energy and with him my female energy (Shakti) got to the open. My whole life I had hated my vulnerable female side and had been a control freak. He, on the other side, had always had a great female empathy. He hated his strong male energy because it connected him to all men who committed crimes and hurt against women. We both flipped back. I befriended and accepted my female side en he became friends with his male energies. These things we did on our own. You cannot do anything for the other during such a transformation.
    This winter I stopped our contact. It had become too much for me. Our connection was so strong that it made me sick. During our years of conversations there were a lot of periods without communication. Long months without or almost no contact. Last year from October till January of this year was one of these periods. No words on a screen, but.... yep I was always feeling his emotions in my body. He was constantly fighting at home (not literally of course), wanted to protect our contact from those negative vibrations, but didn't realize enough that I could feel it all in my body. I said I couldn't continue any longer. He got a soul shock but respected my decision. (And no, it didn't stop the connection. I still feel him, we still communicate in our silence)
    Now I am a decent housewife again, haha. We changed each other in the core and now we are on our own again.

    I can only advice you to concentrate on positive vibrations. No fighting against corruption and injustice. Leave this work to people who are very capable defending their own energies. You are too sensitive for that work. Art is good, it's great. Why not become a teacher of art in a therapeutic way? Guide children to open up through art?
    I became a teacher too. It's a good way to use the kundalini energy. I go straight to the heart of my students. (I teach language to refugees but it is also assisting them to this great transition in their lives)

    About this male angelic spirit: beautiful. Really
     
  8. pariah_autist

    pariah_autist 1st life: gerbil

    Joined:
    Jul 10, 2018
    Messages:
    14
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Florida
    It sounds like you both have a good mental connection. I am afraid with my dude that there was not a clear communication about what was going on. We were not as close as I wished we could be as far as openly communicating these deep thoughts, dreams and longings. Many thing he said had me suspect he also had similar dreams I had. These were deja vu like things he said to me, where there was casual conversation about life but the way he said things and the emotions I saw behind what he said. Specifically what he said about fishing was impactful and that day when I realized it was him in my past life dream I felt my body go into a kind of high energy shock to where I was shaking and my guts purged (sorry tmi). It seemed he had a knowing of something between us but it just had to remain unspoken and vague...?... So I think it's possible he had the same kundalini as well as the emotional energy I was feeling for him at the time (at times I noticed he acted like he was drunk or on drugs, but I was feeling the same way as it felt like I was on something more powerful than heroin which I tried in college, like the emotional and chemical high from being around him was too much to resist and I had to keep going back for a hit lol)... Although he was the one to touch me on the back, so perhaps it was healing energy sent from him to me (what if he is a high vibration person to begin with?). But it just makes me restless that all of this information and thoughts has been trapped in my own mind all this time. I wish I could share with him those things. I also feel like I blew my chances at a romance irl with him at the time when the signs were pretty obvious, but I could not make sense of at the time. But I think it would have been a bad choice then and I think I already had 'bad karma' for allowing my perverted professors to lure me...

    The dream about the angel, at the time I had it I believed it was my professor who turned out to be a lecherous sexual/emotional predator (sorry I think I said that a few times lol). He drew many perverted pictures, and a lot of them were of a naked man leading a naked woman both holding a snake attaching each other into doorways like the one in my dream. But I think those were occult drawings and I also believe this guy was evil and put a curse on me in order to manipulate me and other female students. Perhaps that dream was a trick and a curse made by him. Although I don't believe he was the true one in my dream, and I think he was trying to deceive me by implying he had that dream also (because his energy was hateful, scary and heavy he probably envied me and these capabilities of having this awakening). Also because the dream was a kind of a sacred union between souls and this is the same euphoric all consuming energy I got from the man at my job I am talking about. When I experienced this from him IRL instead of in a dream, perhaps it was really him in this angelic dream too.... I wish I could dream about him again, but I have not in a really long time (maybe even over a year)....

    Besides all that, I was so afraid of people humiliating me again and accusing me of being a schizophrenic, as well as having been on meds which twisted my perceptions, I could not possibly have communicated with him or any one about these things at the time...

    Okay... I need to live more in the present and do things to be happier today... Possibly even move on from attachment and obsession of this guy... Which I don't think is possible... I would like to find closure for all of this at least... Why couldn't I be closer to him... At least as a friend... Would trying to talk to him push him away?...

    Thanks again...
     
  9. fireflydancing

    fireflydancing just a fly in the sky Staff Member Super Moderator

    Joined:
    Oct 27, 2016
    Messages:
    599
    Likes Received:
    382
  10. pariah_autist

    pariah_autist 1st life: gerbil

    Joined:
    Jul 10, 2018
    Messages:
    14
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Florida
    The kundalini has had an opposite effect on me. It made me more open and sociable and feel more normal because of this guy. It also cleared the depression, social rigidity and intrusive psychotic symptoms I had for a while after the original kundalini. Before him my mind was in a dark world where reality seemed grey and vague and especially chaotic and confusing, and after it became vibrant and fluid, my entire life story made sense to me, all the pieces fell into place I felt that everything was right in the world, and I started to wonder if this is what normal humans experience, this free flowing vibrant world. His effect makes me feel more like a normal human... Less reclusive... I wanted to get better.. I really wanted to get better because of him and try to be a better person and do more useful things
    What makes me more reclusive is the blocked energy and depression that was unreleased before I met him and then after I started trying to deny my feelings and hate my self again I became depressed, disturbed, agitated, reclusive again... And especially, I had this fire of hatred I developed in college. This burning anger that would not go away. This burning fire associated with the art professors. And it ate me alive. I ended up back on antidepressants and antipsychotics.... But since the good feelings came back recently, after being off those meds for 8 months I want to get out more and do things I've been meaning to..

    My mind is so clear right now. I can envision entire cities of beauty just closing my eyes. I can envision the man clearly and his kind nature, and all of the loving, positive, romantic longing energy associated with him... However my dreams are still nightmareish and grey... But in my waking mind my consciousness explodes with feelings of love and appreciation of beauty... And I feel so much lighter... But I'm left wondering what to do with my life now, as I've lived so much of it feeling sad and paralyzed...

    I also don't even know if all of this I'm feeling is because I am a supposed schizophrenic and mentally ill. I am not an actual diagnosed textbook schizophrenic, and I think a lot of my mental illness and sadness has to do with the blocked energy the guy freed up in me and made me feel more normal and whole again.
    But If this guy did not feel these kind of feelings also, and even if he denied every thing.. That would mean I am just delusional... I would just like to find closure and to talk to him again.... I think he really did like me a lot as well... But who knows if he just forgot and moved on like I did.... Who knows if he moved on forever... Most people are not like me. I never let something like this go...
     
    Last edited: Jul 13, 2018
  11. pariah_autist

    pariah_autist 1st life: gerbil

    Joined:
    Jul 10, 2018
    Messages:
    14
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Florida
    Can anyone just tell me if this was real instead of trying to tell me to forget about it
     
  12. KenJ

    KenJ Moderator Staff Member Super Moderator

    Joined:
    Aug 21, 2014
    Messages:
    806
    Likes Received:
    416
    Location:
    SW Ohio, USA
    Who could answer that to your satisfaction? And, what is it that you question about the experience, is it the entire interaction or his side of it? I personally think it was an experience where you allowed yourself to be vulnerable enough to experience it without fear, but that is perhaps to shallow a description of the encounter. The continued questioning and second-guessing yourself would seem to contribute to driving your thoughts internally and lead to further dissatisfaction and the feeling of lack of closure - something easy to describe yet a self-imposed eddy in the stream of your life.

    You mention mental instability many times and I wonder if it is because of labels that you have accepted willingly from others and feel safe within that space to avoid having to own some personal responsibility for your feelings, or that there was trauma before your teenage years that moved you so far within yourself. Most of the things that you seem to question are subjective so that no one could offer an adequate answer. My hope is that you become who you are rather than the labels that others put on you!

    If the man you mention felt the same thing that you did and was free to follow his heart, he would have continued the relationship. If he felt the same way and could not follow through for some reason, then he had a choice and is living with it as a beautiful memory similar to yours. If he did not experience what you did, it was an experience for you to remember and learn from. You can simply accept it as a beautiful experience that shows you what is possible, learn from it so that you can find it again with someone else, or stay pinned in tormented search for that particular person who is probably different now than he was at the time you recall. I know that is stark yet I don't see how you can get beyond your current point of longing without moving yourself. I have been in a similar relationship and it was heartbreaking for me because she did not move on with her life.
     
    Shiriya and fireflydancing like this.

Share This Page