Down the Memory Lane

Discussion in 'Past Life Memories' started by SeekerOfKnowledge, Jun 7, 2018.

  1. SeekerOfKnowledge

    SeekerOfKnowledge Learner

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    Now where to begin?

    I do not feel comfortable yet to share everything I have seen. Or feel. Or think. Not that I wouldn't trust you. Not that it would be much either. Just single scenes, fragments and feelings from all over time and places. If I can tell the time and place at all, that is.

    My first “real” memory including all senses I got about 20 years ago when I was experimenting with different meditation methods.

    When I stepped through one of the doors, I suddenly found myself inside the body of a man. I could see my white laced sleeves under what probably was a dark blue velvet jerkin. I could see the tips of my shoulder-lenght dark brown or black hair. When looking down, I could see my slightly pointed shoes as well and the tight trousers I was wearing.

    There was a chest with carvings to the right. And a curtained, relatively short bed close to the arched window in front of me. There might have been some other furniture on the left wall, not sure.

    The room I was standing in was relatively small.

    I went to the bed. There was a woman waiting for me.

    We did it. Really! And I felt this, with all senses, as a man. Which is why this scene was so convincing. Never doubted that reincarnation is real afterwards.

    (Thoughts were passing like clouds, one of them being: looks like I was rich, but I cannot have been “important”... who the heck was I... too bad, not the time period I had hoped for, but later and I was of the opposite gender, too....)

    I probably got this so that it could convince me that reincarnation is real.

    I am not so sure anymore about what I got later. I might have been influenced after all. And to me, personally, it just feels wrong to make assumptions unless they are based on something... “solid”?

    Still might share one or the other scene or flashback here later. Or feeling, as sometimes it is just a feeling.

    I haven't given up hope yet, that one day I might meet somebody with whom I am sharing memories.
     
  2. SeekerOfKnowledge

    SeekerOfKnowledge Learner

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    The case of Evelyn

    Got this from a self-regression. There are some problems with the info I got.

    Evelyn Sanders or Summers, grew up in Dunville or Dunnville, moved to New York to become an actress, but ended up as a dancer in a bar. Was murdered, probably strangled. Followed a customer who promised her to help her out of her "career" when she was in her thirties and growing too old to dance half-naked.
    I can see the garden, or rather: yard with the swing. I can see myself wearing a child's nightshirt at age 12 or so, like they were common from the early 1900's until my childhood in this life. I can see the street leading to the Methodist (?) church, clearly.

    Problem is, that I also got something like "Grand Street". There are only two Dunvilles or Dunnvilles, and in neither of them you can find a Grand Street. I also couldn't find anything about an unsolved murder case concerning an Evelyn Sanders or Summers.

    I am not sure about the time. Saw myself sitting on a bank before a window, in an entresol, like old houses sometimes have them. I could see the high heels and stockings or garters I was wearing. From their looks, it could be anything between the 1920's and the 1980's.

    Is this a cover-up for something else? For something like WW2 (no memories yet, just very vague feelings) or Nam? Or was I Evelyn? How much can I trust my own memories? Can I trust them at all? Maybe the particular video I used just didn't work properly for me... I don't know. Still putting it here, just in case someone has heard of this Evelyn. While I do not have to prove anything to anyone, it would be nice to finally have a bit more than just a "could have been", just for myself. Sometimes the odds seem to point towards the direction that it is more likely that I am crazy than having actual memories. I do not like the idea that I am just crazy, of course.

    Fact is, I cannot stand tight collars or anything too tight around my neck.

    Still won't explain my feelings of guilt, shame and not deserving anything good I was suffering from for many years.
     
  3. Spirit Sword

    Spirit Sword Senior Registered

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    Write everything down as it comes to you. Try to process everything, but do not cling to any outcome.

    Your information could be correct. The first post seems to be almost undeniably a past life memory. The second post is a bit more jumbled. This can happen sometimes when doing a regression session, especially if a recording is leading you in a different direction than your subconscious was trying to take you.

    Even working with a therapist is not foolproof in this regard. I did one and was asked for a year. In the moments I was responding, my mind shot forward to a different memory than the one we had been exploring (but still within the same lifetime). That life being well-documented, it would seem that the information I supplied was false. It was a bit of a brain hiccup, but that does not mean that everything was wrong.

    Sit with the information and see if there is anything that does not feel right, either to that specific lifetime, or to your lives in general.
     
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  4. Spirit Sword

    Spirit Sword Senior Registered

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    In regards to your negative emotions, there may be a specific connection and there may not be. If the two do not seem connected to you, perhaps you did not see the right lifetime for that cause or perhaps it was only one contributing factor. I struggled with depression for many years. I have not found a specific past life where this definitely took root, but after examining the inciting incident that manifested it in this lifetime, I realized it was similar to events that have happened to me again and again over several incarnations. After all this time living with that repetitive pain, I believe I decided that I just had it coming.

    I do see a pretty strong connection between the life of Evelyn and the feelings you described. Someone who lived with repetitive failures and unfulfilled dreams might have poor self-esteem and think themselves unworthy of success or positive attention. Someone who ended up in a profession that is socially unacceptable might feel guilt and shame. These feelings could very easily transfer to future incarnations, particularly those so near to each other chronologically. If that is the cause, you have to remember not to let it lend to a victim mindset. Just because something happened in a past life and there is nothing you can do to change the past, it does not mean you are stuck with any burden or that there is nothing you can do to change moving forward.
     
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  5. SeekerOfKnowledge

    SeekerOfKnowledge Learner

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    Thank you, Spirit Sword.

    This is not everything I seem to remember. There are parts from other lives which took part earlier. Just had to start somewhere, and there still are memories (or what ever there are) I do not feel comfortable to share in the open (I have my reasons for that).

    I recognized several patterns, and looks like I am already working on breaking one or the other.

    As for using files, the one that worked best for me for awhile only guided me into trance state, but did not ask specific questions. I had to let the scenes come and ask the questions myself. Unfortunately, at a point, nothing came anymore.
    I do not like files with too many or too specific questions. Or when they are coming too fast. I have checked several files, and I would need one that is general enough to make sense at any time, in any place and in any life situation.

    Writing something out can help me remember more details. Or I get a dream or insight later that leads to new information.
     
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  6. SeekerOfKnowledge

    SeekerOfKnowledge Learner

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    There is a thunderstorm raging outside, and I just got what might be another flash.

    It is dark, and I am being underground, yet still, I am horribly afraid of the thundering noise. I am putting my fingers into my ears. I am thinking of my Mom. I miss her. I should have told her. I am missing her cooking. I am a big boy already, but right now I wish she would hug me. I am close to crying, like a baby, even though I should not.
    The name "Guilliaume" comes to mind, "Jack" in French. I am not good with names, but maybe this indicates that I am French.
    I want to get out of here, I want it to end... I wish I... dunno... what I am doing here anyway? Maman, I miss you so much. Wish I was home with you, wish I had never left.
    Who am I? Where am I? When am I? Well, I do have a general idea, but the strongest feeling remains that I miss you, Maman.
     
  7. Spirit Sword

    Spirit Sword Senior Registered

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    A very interesting memory. I think your translations might be a little off, though. From what I remember, Guilliame is William and Jacques is Jack. Perhaps it was a nickname?
     
  8. SeekerOfKnowledge

    SeekerOfKnowledge Learner

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    Dang! I should have known and normally know the most common names in different languages. Thank you a lot for correcting me. While it is really bugging me, I should forgive myself making that mistake.
    So my name might have been William or not when I was missing my Mom so much. The thought of my Mom stands out here and how much I am missing her.
     
  9. Spirit Sword

    Spirit Sword Senior Registered

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    Do not hold it against yourself.

    The connection to your mother in that life is rather natural. Do make sure that these feelings do not transfer over to your current life though.
     
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  10. SeekerOfKnowledge

    SeekerOfKnowledge Learner

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    I don't know what happened, why all this negativity is back. During my last self-regression, while most of it probably was fantasy, I felt so much happiness.
    Soon after, a deep longing began, and a certain sadness. Right, I am missing people and times again I even don't remember properly. Not for the first time, and it will pass.
    But why did all these negative feelings about myself come back? There was nothing negative during the regression. And I felt so happy when I pictured myself with these other people. Imagination or not, the happiness was real.
    Same for the "spirit guide" part. Now that definitely was fantasy. But again, I was incredibly happy.
    Only to find myself back in old patterns and close to depression a few hours later.

    What the heck has happened?
     
  11. Mere Dreamer

    Mere Dreamer Super Moderators Staff Member Super Moderator

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    I call this "identifying the gap" when it happens to me. Usually it's a sign of some quality I'm looking for in life. Having it temporarily feels so good, but then when that temporary experience comes to an end you realize how much you miss it. Some of the numbness from it being a perpetual problem is gone and you "feel" the lack more acutely.

    On the one hand it's miserable. On the other, once you narrow down that specific quality it's easier to set your intentions on finding a similar experience that is more durable and fulfilling.

    For me, the gap often becomes clear when I find a sense of community. I went to an art retreat after my divorce, and it was amazingly healing for me being surrounded by people who get my creative mindset and didn't judge me. When I got home I cried for a week because I realized how lonely I had been for years. That part was painful, but now that I know how important it is to me to hang out with people who appreciate my creativity and don't judge I filter everyone I meet by those criteria. It's amazing how much healthier my social circles are as a result, and even if I don't have that "ideal community" all in one place, I know that the people I spend the most time with are healing for me and not destructive like the people I had spent far too much time trying to please up until that point.

    It's worth it to trace your emotions down to their cause and really look at the contrast between them. Also, if there really is no circumstantial reason to feel worse, it's worth looking into chemical imbalances and nutrition. Sometimes a drop in sugar or some other physical change affects your mood dramatically, and there are ways to combat those shifts once you know what causes them.
     
  12. SeekerOfKnowledge

    SeekerOfKnowledge Learner

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    Thank you, Mere Dreamer.

    Now, as I felt the happiness during a regression, it either is something I had in a past life and am missing now. Or there is something my subconscious or Higher Self tried to tell me about something I should work on in this life.
    Well, there is nothing I can do about what others do and want and say. Like I cannot change the weather. All I can change is how I see the world and how I react to it. I had managed for awhile, and now I find it incredibly hard again. Like I find it incredibly hard again to forgive myself even the slightest mistake.
    When I feel bad, it doesn't help anybody. No matter what I did and what I would "deserve" in the opinion of who ever, it doesn't help anybody. I am aware of that.
     
  13. Mere Dreamer

    Mere Dreamer Super Moderators Staff Member Super Moderator

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    Are you surrounded by people who blame you outright, or guilt you into feeling bad? If not now, have you been surrounded by people who treat you this way in the past? In my experience, the inability to forgive yourself is often the result of being trained by the people in your life to always take the blame for everything, even if it's beyond your control. Based on what you said it sounds like you assume the full burden of blame for anything painful or awkward, and proceed to abuse yourself in the place of anyone else involved even if they don't treat you that way themselves. Of course, you get it multiplied if they join you in that attack.

    I can almost guarantee that you do not expect other people to blame themselves in this way when they hurt you. In fact, you are probably quick to accept that a mistake was made or that the end result was unintentional, correct? And if they suggest that they were not at fault at all, well, you look for all the reasons they may be right in that perception and twist yourself in knots in order to forgive them. (If this is not the case, then you may blame them as harshly as you blame yourself, which is destructive in both directions. Either way, learning to let go of blame and look for healthier perspectives is vital.)

    Can you step back from your perception of yourself as "the one at fault" for just a moment and look at yourself as if you were a good friend? What would you tell that friend?

    Here is a thought that was very difficult for me to learn.

    Real respect is based on truth. You can respect someone's flaws in exactly the same way you respect their strengths, because respect is responsive acceptance of who someone is and where they are in life.

    Respect is not acceptance of their ideas or making excuses for them or idealizing them or serving them. It is simply creating a space in your idea of who someone might be that quickly adapts to who they actually are as you learn more about them. While you can't entirely avoid judgement, the judgement of respect is softened by the awareness that people are formed by the past and changed by the present, so there is always hope for a better future even if you must protect yourself from someone in the meantime.

    Every good thing in this world is rooted in the acceptance, compassion, and creativity that grow from this kind of respect.

    This means that everyone--including you--can use failure (even causing or experiencing the most painful, hurtful experiences) to educate themselves and grow.

    Feeling bad is actually meant to help not only others, but yourself. The bad feeling is energy, and it has a use.

    To blame yourself on repeat ends up blocking the chance to benefit from painful experiences because inner growth is the natural next step where we are meant to redirect the energy of regret. To only blame yourself can easily sabotage not only your chance to grow, but also others' chance to grow as well. To blame only yourself when others also hold responsibility in the matter is disrespectful of their capacity to learn and grow, too.

    When you lie about your responsibility in a situation you sabotage your ability to respect yourself and others. When you take full blame for something that is not entirely your fault, you are ignoring truth. To recognize and keep in mind your good intentions does not automatically negate the experience of others. You can focus on comforting their pain while also feeling confident that you didn't intend to cause it, even when they don't understand that fact. To recognize that a problem was the result of a series of contributions on both sides is not going to turn you into a careless monster who doesn't take responsibility for your own part.

    You can't change others, true. But you can refuse to allow them to push their own choices into your court as if you are to blame for them. And you can refuse to push your own responsibility onto them.

    Let's say you say something that hurts them by accident. If they choose to respond by punching you in the face that is not "your fault." You are responsible only for the fact that you spoke words that ended up hurting them, not for how they act on their pain. If you were purposely trying to cause them pain, then you would also be responsible for your motive to hurt them, but not for the fact that they chose to punch you.

    So lets say you regret unintentionally hurting them. To avoid being trapped in a cycle of regret and blame, you can take the pain of having hurt them and apply it according to the kind of person they demonstrate themselves to be. This takes skill, which is learned through practice.

    The first step is to take responsibility and repair the damage if you can see a way to do so. "I can see my words hurt you, and I am sorry to have caused you pain. I didn't intend to communicate what you understood me to say. I meant this, instead." Note: This is not the same as taking the blame for the fact that they punched you. It is merely accepting the fact that their reaction demonstrates that what you said hurt.

    Next, depending on their current state of being, your options for using the energy of regret can go in several directions.
    • Use that energy to fuel getting away from an abusive situation. If hurting them sets off a cycle of abuse or blame (their choice of reaction to pain) where they continue to escalate and you find it very difficult to respond without causing further damage, often the best thing you can do to walk away (if it's a rare event) or end your relationship (if this happens all the time). This gives them less opportunity to practice their destructive choices and makes room in your life for relationships where a constructive reaction on your part can make a positive difference.
    • Use that energy to fuel mutual empathy. If they are capable of having a conversation you can communicate until you both understand the other's motives and the root cause of their reaction. Maybe they were abused using that phrase in the past, so even though you meant something different than their abuser they were taken back into that history and lashed out in a way that they weren't safe enough to act on so back then. By communicating you can even begin to feel privileged to have received the reaction you did, even though it was painful, because sometimes trust is demonstrated by the release of emotions that would otherwise remain hidden. (This doesn't make them lashing out okay as a repeat response, just understandable.)
    • Use that energy to fuel one-sided sympathy. If they don't have the skills to come to a mutual understanding it's still possible to understand them better if they're willing to communicate, or to explain yourself the best you can and hope it's enough to reduce the damage even if you can't eliminate it.
    • Use that energy to improve your habits. In addition to the above, you can always direct the energy of regret into self improvement, even if there is no chance to apologize or communicate further in that particular situation.
    Or, to reduce it down to the most basic concept.

    Regret actually does "help anybody" when you use it wisely. The people who respect others will recognize the value in it and appreciate your regret as a result.

    Your reputation is not you. Your past is not your present and it is even more definitely not your future. What others expect from you isn't necessarily what you are designed to offer in this lifetime. What others think you deserve is only their opinion, not ultimate truth to be enforced at all costs, especially if it means abusing yourself even when they aren't around to do it themselves. You can't "make" anyone heal, even if you're the one who hurt them. Others are responsible to use their pain to fuel growth, just as you are responsible to use your own pain for growth.

    There is no such thing as "what you deserve" in life. There is only what you create with what you have. If you create growth toward healthier habits and relationships for your future, then you have applied regret wisely.

    Each of us reclaims the value of pain by noticing and appreciating the improvements that growth creates.

    (Edited for clarity.)
     
    Last edited: Jun 15, 2018
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  14. SeekerOfKnowledge

    SeekerOfKnowledge Learner

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    This is too long to quote.
    Thanks a lot again.
    To rephrase it: when I do not allow myself to grow and be happy, it doesn't help anybody, neither myself, nor others.
    Today it is not so much blame, guilt and shame, but more a feeling of sadness and loss. And a certain uneasiness. There is absolutely no reason for that. All the people around me and the cat are alive and well.

    I thought I had gotten over all this, but obviously I haven't. There still are patterns to overcome. What has caused this latest phase I do not know.

    No, I do not expect others to blame themselves that way when they hurt me. I really hope they won't.
    Holding a grudge would mean holding on to negative experiences. To let go, I must forgive.
    Forgiving people who harmed me is relatively easy.
    Forgiving people who harmed somebody I love or loved is much harder already.
    Forgiving myself is hardest.
    Now, when we are all connected and all here to learn, forgiveness and unconditional love is the key, of course. And I should not treat myself in any other way than I treat others. Already realized that giving others a better treatment than myself is the same as egoism, narcissism and what tyrants do, just the other way around.

    Just that "Don't worry, be happy" or "forgive yourself and love yourself unconditionally, do not judge yourself" sometimes is easier said than done.
     
  15. Mere Dreamer

    Mere Dreamer Super Moderators Staff Member Super Moderator

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    Yes. This is why it is a skill that takes consistent practice. I still get into the self-blame, uneasy discomfort cycle, too. The above message is what I tell myself and lists what I practice when I catch myself slipping.

    I truly do not blame you for how you feel at all. It is a natural result of a history of difficult experiences and a lack of social training in this area. Our cultures all too often fail us in this regard. The fact that you have come far enough to recognize that there are alternatives and even to live them out some/most of the time is definitely something to celebrate and appreciate in yourself.
     
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