Hello, I´ve written a couple of times here already, always mentioning one thing or the other, but I haven´t introduced myself yet and I havent´t got that much feedback. I´m reaching a point where I really badly need input, just anything.. :-( To make a start, I´m living in Austria all my life. I´m in my late 30ies, I´m a psychologist, married and have three kids. Now I live in Vienna but during my childhood I grew up in rural Austria. What I remember are mostly glimpses and flashbacks, I remember emotional situations, since I was roughly 9 or ten years old (but I think even earlier than that). When I was 10 years old I saw a picture of JD in a book . It was a book about being a kid detective and back then I was interested in stuff like that, in gadgets and weapons in playing cowboy and Indians, cops and robbers, and very much in Billy the Kid. Even though I´m female I was never interested in girl things and even refused to accept that I´m a girl for a long time. It worked only for a while of course and I had lots of trouble with myself and my identity. It didn´t get any better by seeing that picture (it was a mug shot). Because by seeing that picture all I was thinking was "how terrible I looked like" and I couldn´t even look at it. Later I had memories of a grocery store where I was selling things, a giant box of nails I was playing with, my dad´s car I was ordered to watch so nobody might steal it (and waitin there for hours and hours..), I remembered me playing with my best friend back then feeling so very close and at home with him whereas at my then-real home I didn´t feel so much protected. I remembered dogs we owned. And I always had an uneasy feeling when we entered the local bank. ;-) Really! Feeling ashamed for no reason. It was very intense when I was a kid and teen and lasted until my mid 20ies. Since there was no internet available for me in the early and mid 90ies I couldn´t check facts. Only when I went to college I tried to find relatives of the family. I was mostly interested in the siblings not that much in robberies or the exact timeline. I found nothing worth mentioning. I happened to travel to Chicago July in 1998 and visited the movie theater he (I?) was supposed to be shot but didn´t feel emotional about it. I also read several books in the meantime so that will make it hard for me to validate things - quite impossible by now I guess. So what`s my problem? I don´t get over it. It´s with me all the time. I want to get rid of these memories. Or work it out. I want to settle more in my current life. But a tiny voice in me wants to know if it is all for real. What I already tried: - meditate (doesn´t work for me :-( ) - try to have dreams (I do have mixed up dreams but nothing that helped) - even a therapy session - didn´t work either What do you do to keep things away in your daily life? Am I the only one with that kind of problem? Thank you very much for reading this!