Identity disorder? I need guidance...so many questions

Discussion in 'Reincarnation Questions' started by indigopisces, May 17, 2018.

  1. indigopisces

    indigopisces New Member

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    I have never been attuned with my body. Many of us here were probably considered "old souls" from birth. I feel like...every year I get older, the more disconnected I feel from my physical vessel and the more I remember who I was before. Like floodgates opening each and every year. Shouldn't human beings progress by self actualising themselves as their soul matures in this lifetime? I am going backwards. I am a 28 year old male this year and I know that around this age I passed away in my past life when I was in a female vessel.

    I've always known who I was "before". A lot of her old habits were transported to this life and I feel like I am going back to that same person, both good and bad traits. Shouldn't I be learning from my past life? Why am I repeating the same lifestyle pattern? Every time I look in the mirror I expect my old self looking back at me however I'm there standing looking at who I am presently. Skin tone, eye colour, gender, hair colour, everything that once was is now completely opposite staring back. It hurts so much. It hurts so much that each and every day I feel more disconnected than ever between my universal soul and current physical vessel.

    This goes beyond body dysmorphia. I am not transgender by any means. I am a sane individual, good job, friends, family, no mental disorders, I rationalise, and do not take any drugs or medications. I am consciously aware of this disconnect and I am reaching out for some guidance. How do I reconcile my current soul and current body and make peace with who I am today? I must let go of my old appearance. I did go through a past life regression session and everything I knew deep down all along was confirmed. From appearance to point of death. I was right all along.
     
    Last edited: May 17, 2018
  2. KenJ

    KenJ Moderator Staff Member Super Moderator

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    Hi indigopisces, at times I too wish that I knew the purpose of my life, but then I realize that I would not truly learn the lesson - like having a cheat-sheet during a test rather than doing the work necessary to truly understand the answer. It has been a long time between your posts, a long time to be grappling with the same feelings.

    I've not experienced what you describe as I currently have no memories of a past lifetime other than a few snapshots. My thoughts when reading posts like the two that you've made lead me to wondering if your task/lesson is about breaking out of a pattern or if there is something in that pattern that is not yet understood. To have it as both male and female does not make it any clearer.

    What is it that "hurts so much"? Do you want to be that person? Do you want that vessel again? Do you not like your current vessel?

    How do we move on from the past, how much attention should it be given, what is so important about dwelling on what we can no longer change, these things are familiar to me in my current lifetime where I learned to do the best that I could with what I had. I personally feel sorry for the people who are "stuck" in the past, whether it is a past life or this lifetime, to the extent they are not "living" in the present. The work/lesson is in the current life, not the past life. Perhaps we can imagine a reason for current happenings from past experiences, but beyond that, why is it yet that important?
     
  3. landsend

    landsend Senior Registered

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    I have experienced these feelings throughout my life, and am currently experiencing very similar feelings, except the opposite way round. I was a male then with the associated body differences. So I thought I'd share a few of my thoughts.

    First of all, I want to put it out there that we, of course, are more than our bodies. Bodies are temporary, it is not healthy to get too attached to anything, especially something transient such as the appearance and condition of ones body. That is the first lesson for me.

    Secondly, the past. Relieving feelings and thoughts from the past, especially from my past life, was due largely to a big chunk of unresolved issues. In my past life, I left my kids behind. I went missing-in-action. No one ever found out what happened to me. That's just the beginning of the unresolved stuff. I've been on a pathway to resolving those issues, which included after much consideration, contacting my previous selves family. This has been an incredible process, at times very painful, but incredibly healing. I recognise that it's not the norm, a lot of people just need to face up to the past. Shamans across various cultures recognise that when we experience trauma, parts of our souls get broken off and essentially get stuck in the past. That concept makes a lot of sense to me. Shamanic work / soul work can help us bring the broken parts of us stuck in the past up to the present. That is is the goal. Resolving trauma so that we can bring the past into the present, and dissolve the pain and stop the cycle of the past repeating itself.

    Thirdly, in my case, I recognise I am on the transgender spectrum. That was part of bringing myself up to the present. I'm still exploring this part. Just for the record, being transgender does not make you insane. It is not a mental disorder. It is a very real phenomenon that people experience, and many people need to transition in order to feel whole, and to feel comfortable in their current bodies. For me this was a very 'present' moment realisation. I realised that the person who I am now, is not different to the person who I was then. I've had out-of-body experiences and felt the energies of myself without a body, and my expression is largely male. Of course we are all in truth a blend of masculine and feminine. But my personal feeling is that we all have a different blend of those energies, based on our collective experiences throughout our lifetimes, and just based on how we were originally made. Actually, I'm coming to realise that gender is way more fluid than is portrayed in popular media. But it is largely about asking what makes you feel comfortable now, what makes you feel present, what makes you feel like you. That is the key, and the question to ask.
     
  4. CydonianKnight

    CydonianKnight New Member

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    I'm really really new to all of this, but I really get you when you say that your expression is largely male; I'm on the transgender spectrum too. It really is not comfortable for me to be in a female vessel as well, even though objectively speaking it's very good looking. But I'm just not 100% synchronized with it. I'm actually quite androgynous in general.
    I haven't tried meditation or anything like that to peek into past lives; maybe I'll try that
     
  5. pariah_autist

    pariah_autist 1st life: gerbil

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    I relate to this cause since I was a child I had felt uncomfortable in my own skin and often pretended to be a boy, desiring to have boy friends instead of girl friends cause they were into the things I was. I could not and still cannot stand the feeling of bras, and never filled up in my chest (even less than a AA cup so I have an impossible time finding something appropriate to wear under a shirt)...When I was 18 I had a gender identity issue dressing as a guy, I had sought out LGBTQ type support groups to find people who would accept me, but it was confused around the time I went to college and was driven crazy by an unbelievable toxic hostile environment where I was bullied and sexually groomed by a old perverted/sociopath male art professor, and situations where I've been emotionally abused/isolated by sociopathic men over and over.. That repeated issue/situation led me to drug abuse overdose and almost comitting suicide... So there was little room since then to even bother wanting to express myself as a transgender and besides, I am emotionally/sexually attracted to men... I have also ended up losing my virginity and purity to guys who just wanted sex, these guys had sex with other women, friendzoned me, and made me feel awful about myself as a woman (I was an female incel til I was 24. I'm 28 now and have still very little experience and never had a real bf or LTR. Despite the fact I am/was quite pretty, I even dolled up in high school but was pretty much ignored by everybody. The past life guy was the first guy to ever flirt with me a lot realy)... When all I wanted was a love based, monogamous, LTR with a REAL man with good values who I could have strong feelings for.... Sigh
    Since i met the past life guy I've posted about I am able to be more comfortable with my femininity however lack of contact with the male sex due to not being able to open up my heart to other guys and PCOS (which I suspect has come from severe chronic stress, psych meds, and lack of consistent sex/romance with a man) also messes with my self image and self esteem a lot. I would love to have the soft skin I had as a teenager and be able to express my femininity a lot more now to attract other guys I may be able to have an even better heart based connection with.......Sigh.... I am even considering that I am almost 30 and considering PCOS I may not have much time left to have children if I am to find a good man to fall in love with and marry. Sigh
    But it is strange indeed, feeling as though I may have been a male in a recent past life, perhaps the one I mentioned in the other post, which was probably definitely my most recent past life. I never quite filled out and became a woman. Despite a strong longing to find a romantic guy to marry and have children with. But I much prefer being skinny to the point of androgyny, and dressing rather androgynously still. And those activities and jobs I desired that resonated with that past life, are still things I want to explore.... Sigh
     
    Last edited: Jul 10, 2018
  6. landsend

    landsend Senior Registered

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    Well I can offer some insights of my own life for your consideration. I’ve been mulling over this issue the past few days.

    First, I am married. To the world at large, I am an heterosexual woman. I have three children. A couple of months ago it clicked in place to me that I am a man in a woman’s body. This has always been known to me, but it was like a lightbulb switching on and illuminating that aspect of me.

    When I met my husband, I told him I thought I was lying about something. I could never place what. We had a child. Prior to pregnancy I had never paid much attention to my body. It was small, thin and boyish to say the least. I had issues as a teenager and suffered with dysmorphia after being bullied, and that created a certain detachment with my body. Pregnancy did not favour me, nor my body. It transformed my body into a woman’s. I had serious deep stretch marks, and it ruined my athletic form. I became severely depressed. I did not feel like a mother. Despite birthing my kid at home, breastfeeding them, carrying them, nothing clicked. I just did not feel like a mother. I cared for my baby but wasn’t motherly in the slightest. I had two more kids later (one which was a surprise), the final surprise pregnancy was with me going through heavy past life memories of me being a very macho man. I couldn’t wait to be done with pregnancy.

    Luckily my husband is supportive. I told him how I felt. He listened but didn’t get it. It took a lot of conversations for him to finally understand. After all I was telling him that all along his masculine wife was really, deep down, a man. I struggle with the mothering aspect of child rearing, I am not a mother. It’s easier for me to parent when I see myself as something else.

    I take it on a day to day basis. At the moment I am aware I am transgender but not doing anything socially about it. I try to convince myself it’s something all in my head. I had my long hair all cut off (which I had kept long since my wedding day) and the sense of relief was just immense. I could look in the mirror and see my face, a face I recognised.

    I go through periods of trying to repress these feelings and thoughts but then I find myself wondering about what my future looks like, and I don’t see anything beyond bringing my children up to a sufficient age and then think if I’m lucky I’ll die and get to reincarnate in a body that reflects ‘myself’. Yet that also to me doesn’t seem right. I find the social implications and the stigma attached to living out as transgender hard to swallow. But the alternative seems to be wanting my life to end prematurely.

    I really feel for anyone going through these thoughts and feelings. It’s an awful place to be.
     
  7. KenJ

    KenJ Moderator Staff Member Super Moderator

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    That is a touching post Landsend, I'm only familiar with physical-males that felt "wrong" so I have no experience with anyone from the opposite position. From what I've observed, the attempt at living the life that is opposed to physical form is not comfortable - at least for the few that I've known. I'm glad that your mate is supportive and now understanding. I hope that you and he can retain a good relationship.
     

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