Memories

Discussion in 'Past Life Memories' started by yvettebruneau, Dec 1, 2018.

  1. yvettebruneau

    yvettebruneau Senior Member

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    A few years ago, the National Archives published the manual that my former self would have been taught during her initial training course. As you can probably guess, I've since purchased it. I read through the Security Talk, and I got... for want of a better phrase, the chills. The whole book, a little smaller than an A5 notebook, gives me the chills. As I read it, my mind seems to draw back to the time my former self was taught its contents. It's making it difficult to read it right now.
     
  2. yvettebruneau

    yvettebruneau Senior Member

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    I lost the sunshine and roses
    I lost the heavens of blue
    I lost the beautiful rainbow
    I lost the morning dew
    I lost the angel who gave me
    Summer, the whole winter through
    I lost the gladness that turned into sadness
    When I lost you
    - When I Lost You, Irving Berlin [1912]

    I was listening to a Spotify-created mix, based on my listening habits, and Jimmy Durante's version of 'When I Lost You' came up. I got the familiar sting of tears, but I held them back. Now, I'm just sad. I miss Etienne. His warmth, his charm, his smile, his embrace...

    He comes to me now and then. Today seems to be one of those days. My finger was itching for the rings that are, in this life, missing. So, I put on two that I have lying around.
     
    Last edited: Feb 22, 2019
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  3. yvettebruneau

    yvettebruneau Senior Member

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    These last couple of days, "Jakob" has been coming back. The young Gypsy man from my early regressions.

    In this life, I do love to travel. I have an almost unquenchable wanderlust, wanting to always be on the road or moving. And, while I believe I had a life as a 'running gun' in the Old West [male] that might be the root of this wanderlust, I also think I might have had a life as a Gypsy bride. I keep getting visions of beautiful colours and the old bowtop/Vardo caravans pulled by two lovely cobs.

    In terms of where I feel this life sits in my soul's timeline, I get the sense it's somewhere between the Running Gun and WWII.
     
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  4. yvettebruneau

    yvettebruneau Senior Member

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    Willamette...

    Tuesday, I was at work, when this word came to mind out of nowhere. I've never researched Willamette for anything, I have no memory of it coming up before. It might have, in passing, in maybe a TV show or something. But, I had no reason to recall it at that moment in my life. I was at work. I was processing the store's orders. There was no reason.

    Willamette. It stuck with me all day. Just Willamette.

    Maybe, it is a connection to the Old West past life that I am adamant is attached to my soul. Whether I was born there, married there, or I died there... Something happened in Willamette that was significant enough for me to remember it all this time later.
     
  5. yvettebruneau

    yvettebruneau Senior Member

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    Looking through photos attached to my WWII past-life, I find myself always caught by Harry's eyes. It doesn't matter which photograph it is, it's always those eyes. Piercing yet kind. And, I know I've looked in them before, in person. I perceive, even through the screen and the photo, the softness he once held for my former self.

    Then, I catch myself starting to miss him. And, I start to miss Etienne also. Tania, and even Forest (who I met only fleetingly). Jacques. Them all.

    I long to reunite with them all. I long to laugh and regale with them all, I ache to dance with Harry or in Etienne's embrace...

    Someday, the answer comes reassuringly. Harry, always there at my shoulder. Someday, he tells me.

    Someday...
     
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  6. Eva1942

    Eva1942 An Ancient Egyptian Queen..

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    Yvette,

    I was reading through your thread and so many thing resonated with me that you wrote and thought these might help.

    I have this too. I have like a WWII folder that always brings me some peace and I find myself sometimes lost in remembering how happy we were or how sad, or other such things. I remember how things get in person too. Do you get such times too?

    I long to reunite sometimes too. Sometimes I deliberately go to bed and sleep early so that I can perhaps catch a visit from my loved ones I lost physically back then. I miss them all when I am here in the physical.

    Do you get that?

    Harry seems like a wonderful gentleman. Forgive me, but was he killed in action somewhere? You mentioned El Alamein..

    War and Hitler’s Anti Semitism made our little family broken too. It ripped us apart and my daughter only knew of her father as a baby. The rest of the time she spent it in protection away from us. She was an orphan of war in late November 1942.

    I have some memories of laying in a bed in the little ‘house’ with my two foster children in the dark in Riga Ghetto. It was dark and very cold. Let me know if you want to know more.

    Eva x :)
     
    Last edited: Jun 6, 2019
  7. yvettebruneau

    yvettebruneau Senior Member

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    First point, I do sometimes. For me, it comes with music. Even songs that weren't released in my past life, but contain lyrics that resonate with those memories. Or, 1940s' fashion/antiques. The photos of the SOE, in the extensive library of books that have been released (most have the same stories, from different POVs, but there's a whole album of photos spread amongst them).

    Secondly, no, I don't get that. But, I do get moments where I feel like the gang is back together. Flashes of conversations we can't have had, but they're somehow occurring subconsciously, if that makes sense. I feel a spiritual company that I want to have conversations with. I can listen to audio recordings, and I feel like I'm regaling stories with the gang. There's one from a Jacques that Harry worked with in his circuit, who recounted their meeting and their escape over the Pyrenees. To hear how Harry pretty much doomed them once they got to Spain, how they apprehended the guide who abandoned them on the Pyrenees the first time, how Harry brazenly approached the man who was donating the money for their crossing and told him everything upfront; I fell about laughing, because it was like "that's just like him" and "that's the Harry I knew".

    Harry was a dear friend, even though there's still that affinity there. One of my guides feels very much like his spirit, friendly and protective. The man who was killed in action, in El Alamein, was my past self's beloved husband. Etienne was an officer in the French Foreign Legion, and they [I keep trying to remove myself from it, as I feel it helps for the moment, until I'm ready]… they were married after only 5 weeks of courtship. And, shortly after, he went back to action. Several months later, he was given another week's leave, and they had a 'second honeymoon'. It was then that they conceived their daughter. Etienne was away fighting, when she was born, but he could not wait to meet her. When she was four months old... he was killed in action, in El Alamein. I don't like recalling that; my hands were trembling writing that out. As for Harry, he lived another eighteen years after my past self was executed, before succumbing to his second heart attack in three years. The aftermath of the war was not kind to him.
     
  8. Eva1942

    Eva1942 An Ancient Egyptian Queen..

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    Have you read these books on SOE?

    - ‘SOE Manual: How to be a agent in Occupied Europe by SOE

    - ‘SOE: An Outline History of the Special Operations Executive 1940-46 by M. R. D. Foot’

    - ‘Spymistress’ by William Stevenson (about Vera Lynn)


    It sounds like you have fond memories. :)

    If you want to have conversations with your Spiritual company then do! I always get such wisdom and love from my company :)

    One - it sounds like Harry could be one of your guides. They can be anyone! :) I have a guide (a he :p ) who gets VERY protective at times. I love that with him. Sometimes I look to him for confidence to get through something :)

    Two - I think it takes great courage to write something out that we fear. I am very proud and honoured that you wrote that for me. I have memories like that too, that I find too painful to write about or discuss, but I take the leaps of faith and write or talk about them. I allow myself to cry, get angry, or if I get too worked up and let the fear get the better of me, I get up, walk away for a moment and then I come back and finish. More often than not, I end up feeling very much liberated and proud of myself. I think for writing that, you should feel very proud of yourself because I know from my own experiences how hard it is to do.

    Three - I know how it feels to have someone killed. The love of my life, while I almost lost him to the Czechs ( interesting fact for you the Czech SOE agents had not been in the Protektorate for years leading up to the attack) I lost him to our own people the Germans. He too, was just a mere few weeks away from meeting to his fourth daughter. It took me a very long time to get the courage to talk about it so I commend you.

    Eva x
     
    Last edited: Jun 6, 2019
  9. yvettebruneau

    yvettebruneau Senior Member

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    I have a lot of the books, but I haven't really read any of them, yet. I've flicked through some of the pages of a few of them.

    I do have the Manual and tried reading it, but it was too surreal a feeling and I had to stop. I don't think I have the one by M.R.D. Foot, but I believe I have one about Vera Atkins [I assume that's who you meant, although it'd be an awesome alternate history if Vera Lynn was a spymistress as well as beautiful songstress ;)].

    Of course, a fair amount of the information in the books will have to be taken with a grain of salt, as some will have been fabricated to fill the pages and tantalise the story somewhat. The book on Harry, Spirit of Resistance by Nigel Perrin, is an interesting read from what I've skimmed through so far. The one minor issue I have with Perrin's is, while I do believe Harry harboured feelings for my past-self [might be why he's so protective as a spirit], I don't know that it was deep enough for him to note how 'she looked so pretty, despite her shabby clothes and her lack of make-up' on the transport train into Germany. While it was being bombarded with cannon fire from the RAF. And, as three men in his group were suffering seizures. And, as my past self and two members of her group were trying to bring water to the men. What a time to recognise her beauty, Harry, really, what a gent... o_O And, if the author is to be believed, that quote came from Harry's unpublished memoir.

    I mean, I read that back to myself, and I get the feeling that Harry is embarrassed by it. I honestly have no idea why... :p
     
    Last edited: Jun 7, 2019
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  10. Eva1942

    Eva1942 An Ancient Egyptian Queen..

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    I have a lot of the books on Operation Anthropoid too. Some good, some bad.

    It must be a pretty impressive book. The manual that is.

    Ahaha *facepalm* Yes I meant Vera Atkins. Gosh, how did I get that so wrong o_O. It’s been a long day.. If ever a book exists about Vera Lynn being a spy mistress, is be all over it like a bee to a honeycomb! :p

    Reminds me of the novel ‘HHhH by Laurence Binet supposibly written from the Jan and Josef’s view. The first half of the book is about his (the author’s) Slovakian girlfriend.. It was so bad, I ended up laughing my entire way through it :p

    Harry has an unpublished memoir? That sounds neat if he could allow you to get it published! Perhaps he is embarrassed because it’s his inner deep emotions? ;)

    Eva x
     
  11. yvettebruneau

    yvettebruneau Senior Member

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    Actually, the manual is presented as a small hardback book, one you could carry discretely with you. For reference. I love that little detail, like I can just slip it in a jacket pocket and pull it out as necessary. "How do I go about doing this procedure again? Ah, yes, of course!" Not the best for an agent of sabotage and subterfuge.

    I suppose most of the SOE agents who survived the war wrote down their memories of events, or had them recorded in interviews (like Harry's associate, Jacques - not the same Jacques that my past self knew only briefly before capture). Forest Yeo-Thomas, perhaps one of the most renowned male SOE agents (known as the White Rabbit by the Resistance), has had his memoir published as a book. Nigel Perrin supposedly used Harry's unpublished account for a fair amount of Spirit of Resistance. There's another quoted extract from Harry's memoir, after his escape from Buchenwald, where he's almost discovered by two SS guards on a road. He convinces them to remove their uniforms, as there's an American unit up ahead, and as they're undressing these postcards fall from one man's pocket. The subject matter of these postcards is... 'sadistic dirt...one would expect to find amongst their type of men'. One of the images was of twelve women being forced to jump through snow, with one resembling my former self. I believe I've written briefly about it somewhere, it might be this thread or the old one I deleted for irrelevancy. But, Harry grabbed one of these men's belts and started whipping them ruthlessly with the buckle to the point of drawing blood. He, figuratively, saw red and lost control. He admits it in the memoir, according to Perrin. Perrin does state after quoting Harry that there is no official record of this incident, it is only Harry who mentions it in his own writing. And that, by Harry's own admission (no reference to source on this part), he had not eaten in three days (or even properly for over six months), was under immense stress, and had driven himself near-crazy with the idea of seeing my former self again. The war, and what happened to him throughout, broke Harry. It broke my heart reading that extract. Before the events of F Section's plans in France, Harry had been something of a dreamer, a happy-go-lucky fellow. He had his moments, like when he seemed to lose himself after a girl rejected him for someone of her superior social class (he was found wandering the streets, with no memory of who he was or where he was from - after a break-up). So, while it has it's fun moments of ill-timed admiration, there are points of sorrow and empathy. And shock. I didn't know Harry to have an explosive temper, but that was before his incarceration and torment in Buchenwald.

    While it would be somewhat wonderful to read Harry's words for myself, rather than rely on Perrin's references, a part of me doesn't want to have that opportunity. I kind of want to remember Harry as I knew him in that life, despite having Spirit of Resistance (which obviously continues on from the end of the war). And, he still has family (he was married for a brief time after the war and had two children, and possibly nieces or nephews) who are - or were very recently - alive. They might not want their relative's memoirs published in full. For whatever reason. Perrin, perhaps, had strict guidelines to stick to, in order to tell Harry's story. Like some details, such as Harry's treatment in Buchenwald, might have been brushed over. Reading Yeo-Thomas' published memoirs, you realise that Harry came within mere minutes of execution. It's daunting to read that about someone you knew and cared about (I have come to care for Harry again, in this life). Spirit of Resistance just glances over the risk to Harry's life as though it was nothing because he did actually escape. There's no sense of the peril.
     
  12. Thyme

    Thyme Active Member

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    I'm sorry if I don't have anything interesting to say in your publication. I can only say that I enjoy reading your memoirs.

    I learned things I had no idea about, really.
     
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  13. yvettebruneau

    yvettebruneau Senior Member

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    It's okay, I appreciate your compliment all the same!

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    As most will likely know, today is the 75th anniversary of the D-Day Landings. My former self did not take part in them, nor did anyone she knew. But, it cuts pretty close to the day my former self was captured, four days later, having landed in France by parachute jump on the 8th. I've always revered D-Day anniversaries, but today was different. I'd never been aware of my past life, but watching the veterans and hearing the music today brought tears to my eyes. Tears for those men who have had to live with the memories for 75 years and those they left behind. But, tears, also, for the Resistance fighters and the SOE operatives who had given their freedoms and lives to assist in the preparations for the landings. Many had been incarcerated before the landings, while many more were caught/killed in the 43 days after. My former self was caught after only two days in France, before she could do anything drastic to assist the Resistance or the Allied forces. Harry had been locked up for three months by that time.

    I thought, also, of Etienne. What he might have done. The Free French, which some of the French Foreign Legion he belonged to had joined, did apparently take part in the Normandy landings, I've just discovered in my curiosity as to what he might have done. Had he not fallen two years prior, he might have been storming one of the five beaches on that day 75 years ago. My former self might not have been preparing to drop into France. She might not have met Harry.

    I'm getting a little too deep into these thoughts now. These next few days, I feel, are going to be strange...
     
  14. Eva1942

    Eva1942 An Ancient Egyptian Queen..

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    Just checking in with you.. everything all right with you still? :)

    I was like that before I read a lot of the books written about Anthropoid. I just kept reminding myself that what I know is the truth, and all these books and ‘biographies’ will never show the type of person I knew. Because it is not the norm of history. I still remember who they were and what i read is not ever going to change that.

    I know how that feels. I know how it feels read about someone you loved and cared about. :)

    Eva x
     
  15. yvettebruneau

    yvettebruneau Senior Member

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    I've been away awhile again.

    For the most part, it's been quiet.

    But, I'm listening to one of the Daily Mixes that Spotify put together based on what I regularly listen to. It's full of the old crooner songs, including Jo Stafford's "You Belong to Me". I didn't think I knew it all that well, but I apparently do. I don't know how, because the song was released in 1952, and my WWII life ended in 1945. I got a strong sense that Harry was near once again, with Etienne also. Harry was the stronger spirit; maybe, the song is of some importance to him. He died in March 1963, so he would've likely heard the song somewhere. Whatever the explanation, I knew most of the words and had tears in my eyes for the most-part on the first listen.

    And, the other night, as I settled down to sleep, I was overwhelmed with the image and sensation of being held in Etienne's arms. Maybe, that particular door - that wall - is being broken down bit-by-bit. My former self was almost destroyed by the loss of her husband, so it's understandable that it's taken this long to start coming back. Although, I'm not sure I'm in the right mind presently to deal with all of that hurt. But, the memory - the very vivid recollection - of being in his arms was... It was utterly enchanting. But, I was at a bit of a low point that night, so maybe... Maybe, he came to me, to lift my spirit. Harry keeps almost constant watch, but Etienne comes when I need him most. That's it. Etienne has entrusted me in Harry's capable watch, but he knows when only my adoring husband will suffice.
     
    Last edited: Jul 5, 2019
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  16. yvettebruneau

    yvettebruneau Senior Member

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    I'm in the process of drawing a portrait of Harry, my second of him in fact, and I showed my maternal grandmother [my maternal grandfather was where I got the love and talent for art from in this life]. Of course, I had to tell her who he was, but I didn't want to get into the whole reincarnation premise. So, I told a half-truth. I said that I'd discovered his history through research for one of my own. It's the other way around in actual fact; discovering Harry inspired a character in one of my fictional pieces.

    To cut a somewhat lengthy story short, my grandmother asked why I've long held a passion for such things. I assume she means military history as a whole, because it runs far back into my youth. I loved, absolutely loved, Band of Brothers, and I seem to gravitate toward WWII. Now that I've opened my mind up to reincarnation, I have a strong idea of why that is. But, again, I didn't want to divulge my 'findings' with her or my mother. I don't know their beliefs, and I'm not entirely comfortable blurting it out personally. I'm content with the anonymity and acceptance of the forum, for now. I don't need to go blurting out my beliefs for... renown and character. I need to delve into why I've come back as I have, and what I have to learn from that life in this one.

    But, talking about Harry's life with my grandmother, it brought up some emotions. A scratch in the throat, a melancholy in the voice. I had to tread carefully around the subject. While I don't think his feelings were reciprocated in our lifetime, there seems to be a hint of guilt at not opening myself up to the possibilities. If the end of the war had been different, if we had both survived, who can say for sure what would've been? If there hadn't been Etienne, well... let's not go down that path, because there would've likely been no Harry, if there had been no Etienne. It was his death that brought me to Harry, in a way. If there had been no Etienne, there would have been a lot of changes.

    Tania, the daughter Etienne blessed my former self with, went on to write a book (two versions of it exist) and she speculates a little on the romance between Harry and my former self. There's no source for it, but there's a snippet of a conversation at the Studio Club in Kensington, where Harry outright confesses in an adoring declaration, "I love you, I really do... After this is all over, we'll sit down and talk, won't we?". Then, later in the same book, she writes that her mother's [my former self's] true feelings toward Harry are unknown to those she left behind, other than she cared very deeply for him. ;) But, Harry certainly wasn't ashamed to confess his feelings! He wrote liberally about to whom his heart belonged, in handwritten notes now in Tania's archives [why they're in hers and not one of his children's or relative's archives, I don't know], though she never references them outright. She simply alludes to them. So, his family could've gifted her the ones where he wrote about my former self, on the promise that she doesn't publish them in any capacity. I think it's adorable, in a way. He's coming across as some lovesick puppy, in one sense, but also a despairing heartbroken man. Because at least some of these notes were written post-war. Post-passing of my former self.

    I've gone on too long, so I'll leave it there.
     
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  17. fireflydancing

    fireflydancing just a fly in the sky Staff Member Super Moderator

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    Did you seek contact with Tania?
     
  18. yvettebruneau

    yvettebruneau Senior Member

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    No, I haven't. I'm not exactly sure how to go about it, for one, and I'm still not yet 100% sure I'm right about all of this. I haven't sought a professional guided regression, for confirmation, nor have I had anything truly affirming. Just snippets and clues, often influenced by my research. It's a while since I last did a regression myself, or meditated on the matter with a clear head. I'm still somewhat sceptical about it being correct, despite the strong emotions that exist around certain faces and names (particularly Harry, making me wonder if I was one of his girlfriends and not the life I've leaned towards, but then there's the faces his girlfriends would have never seen). Then, there's Tania's own beliefs on reincarnation. She could politely decline my 'theory', although I could use the basis of research for my own project to glean further insight and build rapport... I don't know. I'm not the most confident or outgoing in this life.

    Plus, Tania was very young, when her mother left on her missions in the war, and she was two-three years old, when her mother was killed. She would remember little of her mother, and her book has been written mostly on research and from sources who knew her mother. Diary entries, letters, notes, interviews, previous biographies. It would be interesting to get my hands on, if possible, the sources that Tania and other authors have used, to gauge my reaction to them. But, I'm hesitant. Once I have that affirming connection, that resounding recollection, I'll maybe try. But, Tania was an orphan from a young age, and she had to grow up without her parents. It'd be strange, for her, for someone she's never seen to approach her and claim "I was your mother in a previous life". I'm trying to see it from her viewpoint.

    (As for how confident I am that I'm on the right path, I'd say about 80-90% right now.)
     
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  19. Eva1942

    Eva1942 An Ancient Egyptian Queen..

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    When I have needed things from archives such as the Bundesarchiv in Germany, I have used the guise that I am writing a biography on ‘said person’ (in this case yours would be Harry) and need some access to information for research. At the time, I really was writing a biography but as my research progressed the less I wrote the book, but kept the ‘reason’.

    You don’t know unless you try ;)

    My daughter in my WWII lifetime, only had her own very little memories of her now ‘infamous’ Papa. She had not seen him since she was three years old and prior to that when she was a baby. So very young.

    If she (Tania) was orphaned from this age, then perhaps she was taught about how brave you were or how you were as a mother or a person. I taught my daughter everything about her Papa, even including telling her that he was Chief of the Sicherheitsdienst, but never anything else about what the role actually was. She had never forgotten about him (and her Papa never forgot about her either), and after 1933, didn’t see him again.

    Perhaps, it is likely that she knows very little about you as her then mother. If she wrote this book from research and people who knew you, that is not to say that she did not discover her own long lost memories. Children don’t forget these things.

    Find a copy of the book my dear! :) then go from there with the sources. It is one thing to have a book full of sources, but it is another to own it (a copy of the original sources)

    Our daughter was an orphan from the age of 12. She lost both her Papa and me in the span of five months in the same year (1942). She was raised by my Papa, and had to grow up without us and endure the whole taunts of “your real father was a Nazi!” like his other children did. She told me that you never spoke about your father if he was in the SS. It was just something you never did she said.

    Who knows, if you know her (Tania's) stance on reincarnation and past lives it might work. I’m still trying to work that one out myself for others that were not family. I’d love to re meet some of the surviving Orchestra members I played with in Auschwitz-Birkenau (particularly Anita Lasker-Walfisch - I identified her to have been a ‘friend’ of mine in the Orchestra) but I too am afraid to approach her and say “remember me? I was in the Orchestra with you in Auschwitz-Birkenau, but I’ve come back and reincarnated”. :oops:

    I’ll leave it right there..
    Eva x

    ps. I had to come back and edit this because I left some things out that may have been of use for you.
     
    Last edited: Jul 12, 2019
  20. yvettebruneau

    yvettebruneau Senior Member

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    Well, I already have both versions of the book [one is an updated version]! :p How else would I be able to quote it, or know that Harry's handwritten notes (or, at least, those that reference her mother) are in Tania's personal archives without having contacted her yet?

    Our national archives are searchable, and I don't think a reason is required on entry as such. I can openly search them online, which I have done today, but they don't contain much. There's the recommendation for Harry [spelt erroneously as Henry, not Henri] to receive the Distinguished Service Order, and a couple of documents [newspaper clippings] regarding my former self's execution. Also, there's an article about an objection to some of the references in another biography on my former self. Without reading the archived material, which I would need to go to the physical archival building to do [unless, like Harry's recommendation, they're available digitally for a small fee], I think I know what it's in reference to. Harry was interviewed by the biographer, but the latter had a penchant for "romanticising" stories. They diverted from historical fact right from the source and dramatized her [my PL's] time in the custody of the Sicherheitsdienst. Harry, being ever the gentleman, refused to divulge details that might have been too personal and traumatic, as I had been with him at the brief stop at Verdun en-route to the Concentration Camps. We had managed to locate one another, where we were being held outside of the train, and we managed to communicate a while. But, even after I had left him, he was longing to protect me and my former name. Must be why, when I sense him, I feel protected.
     
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