My friend X

Discussion in 'Past Life Memories' started by tanguerra, Oct 3, 2007.

  1. Blueheart

    Blueheart Senior Member

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    One whole year. And, you made it. (Dare I say it? Breaking old patterns is not easy.) For what it is worth, I am proud of you. Keep going. Look ahead. One foot in front of the other . . .
     
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  2. tanguerra

    tanguerra Administrator

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    Thanks BH. It means a lot to me (yes really).
     
  3. tanguerra

    tanguerra Administrator

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    I just realised the significance of this and the synchronicity and why it upsets me so much.

    Both times (the Blitz and just over a year ago) I did not realise how little time we had left together (or I did, but I pretended to ignore it and hope it would go away) which is why it makes me feel so upset.
     
    Last edited: Nov 1, 2016
  4. tanguerra

    tanguerra Administrator

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    Tomorrow we are having a little gathering to mark 12 months. I will need to make a little speech. Trying to find some funny , or at least light hearted words to say. It's not easy. I willl probably think of something. I usually do. Fingers crossed.

     
    Last edited: Oct 7, 2016
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  5. Blueheart

    Blueheart Senior Member

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    Here's hoping . . .
     
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  6. tanguerra

    tanguerra Administrator

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    God (however you conceive her) bless the dear old 100 year old pub around the corner from my house and/or whoevcr picks the soundtrack or chooses the radio station... Just saying. .. This song.. tonight... of all nights and just at the right time.

    It is so fitting. I hardly even need to explain why.

    We had the lovliest day, sitting on the grass in a circle in the park, in the spring sunshine, sharing funny stories about the exploits of X... I haven't laughed so much in a long time, or sung hardly a note even in the shower ... for more than a year.

    Fitting. Lovely. Heartbreakingly beautiful. A happy day.

    "I can't help it, there's nothin' I want more
    You know it's true
    Everything I do, I do it for you."




     
    Last edited: Oct 8, 2016
  7. Tinkerman

    Tinkerman Administrator

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    Beautiful remnants of a sacred union...
     
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  8. Blueheart

    Blueheart Senior Member

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    Glad to hear it went well.
     
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  9. tanguerra

    tanguerra Administrator

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    We went a bit silly singing this song after the park event.

    I was giving a lovely young girlfriend of one of X's younger pals a singing lesson (as you do, she started it). I used this song as an example of a/ learning the words b/ working out your vocal range c/ what is this whole 'key' thing all about ... as you do. She did very well and we had lots of fun...

    It's a great soprano 'training' song to practice. I've had lots of lessons and was happy to pass them along. But, singing it (over and over) gave me a funny feeling. OF COURSE I know all the words (any good singer knows all the words of songs they practice)... But ... I still feel that old familiar feeling. That's not going anywhere. It will follow us to the next life. I know it. Oh dear. But, hey ho.

    [BTW : *future flash*: This could well be a premonition of another woman begging me to back away from X . I'd [probably] be fine with that (I like to think so anyway). I just want him to be happy. Maybe it would set things right?]
     
    Last edited: Dec 3, 2016
  10. tanguerra

    tanguerra Administrator

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    Could not have gone better (in the circumstances). It was lovely.
     
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  11. tanguerra

    tanguerra Administrator

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    Truly, madly, deeply.

     
  12. Blueheart

    Blueheart Senior Member

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    Oh, dear. Frost and death and snow? Wanted me indomitable? *sigh* This part belongs in your Poland thread, I am afraid. Or should I say, Siberia.
     
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  13. tanguerra

    tanguerra Administrator

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    Yes, BH you are right as usual. Frost and death and snow and indomitable grief and all that... It is a recurring pattern isn't it!

    But it's more than that. This is not the first time this has happened. I know (hope) it won't be the last time I ever feel this way about X (although it's hard, very hard). But I would not change it for anything.

    "My feet will want to walk to where you are sleeping... "

    "Can't do anything except be in love with you..."
    "I am stretched on your grave and I'll lie here forever...."

    I think I'm feeling (again, as usual) that same old feeling. I am clinging to that last tiny thread of connection ... but it is not a weak thread. It is the strongest 'rope' of all which is, and always has been, good old fashioned love...

    I feel X slipping away from me, in my conscious, day to day life. I am doing my best to 'let him go'. I've been getting out a bit more. I am trying to 'move along' with my life and my grief and get back into the 'swing of things' and just get on with it. I want to be happy and I am (sort of). But...

    I will never let go of the end of that rope. It's not ever going to happen because I do not wish it so. I will 'keep my candle burning' in my window .. to light him on his way ... as long as it takes until we find each other again. It is a flame that is unlikely to blow out. I know he will be there next time. After all, I have seen it often enough. But, it's still difficult right at the moment. Just missing him day to day. It is a bit like an addiction. But I hope it's a good one; X and I. In any case, it is what it is.

    Carmelita, hold my tighter...

     
    Last edited: Nov 22, 2016
  14. Mere Dreamer

    Mere Dreamer Moderator Staff Member Super Moderator

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    I've had a repeated vision of golden threads linking me to important people. Some fade into unknown places and times while others are clearly linked to incarnate friends ... even some I've never truly met or who may not know I exist. I wonder sometimes who they are, the ones I cannot see outside of time, even at an intuitive level. Are they the ones I miss constantly?

    Watching you face the way this particular thread fades into the unknown while feeling the size and shape of the gap left in time, and what you miss about X, I'm grateful for your willingness to let that vulnerability show. Your awareness of the experience helps me understand the gaps that ache within. Of course we will share time with them again, at least it seems obvious based on what we've learned from our memories. The promise in your future glimpses is a gift, though the waiting is hard.

    I hope, both now and when I return, to add fuel to the social and political transformations you hope to encourage in that life. From what you've said, you and X will be in the midst of significant transitions, and I think that your path (as you see it now) is one worth preparing for and supporting.

    Given we are all connected somehow, though we don't always sense it in this life, it will be fascinating to discover what the two of you manage to form within the fabric of time. I'd like to think we conspired to encourage each other here in this forum as part of the alliance toward infusing healing into the fragmented shards of existence, both now and in the future.

    What X brought out of you this time, simply by sharing time with you, has encouraged and inspired me; and I'm grateful to both of you for that gift.
     
  15. tanguerra

    tanguerra Administrator

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    Thanks MD. I was feeling upset again last night. It comes and goes. A new book has just been published about our little 'village' and all the 'village people'. I am in it. There is also a page or two about X. I wrote the words, at the request of the publishers. I hope I did him justice. They seemed pleased with it. I went to the little 'box opening' party last night when the first lot of books were delivered. I feel sad that he did not live to see it. He would have been delighted by it (and would have been at the party most likely).
     
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  16. Blueheart

    Blueheart Senior Member

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    Of course, you two are connected. Long ago, this life, and even now. That party must have been bitter-sweet, and you will always be at least a little sad. I hate that this has happened.

    Just . . .

    Guard against putting yourself in a metaphorical Siberia. Please. You have gone that route before.

    This time, live for him. Live for yourself! Live for the others who you are connected to with threads that can be just as strong. If nothing else, it will give you lots to talk about when next you see him.
     
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  17. tanguerra

    tanguerra Administrator

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    Thanks BH. I'm OK. Sometimes things get to me a bit, such as the other night. I'll be alright eventually I know.

    When my much beloved father died it took me several years to come to terms with it properly. I'm still not entirely over it and still long for him. I suspect this will be similar. I still cry myself to sleep from time to time, but less than before, so that's an improvement. Grief takes its time.

    Not long after my father died someone very wise advised me not to try to rush it, but to, in a way, savour it - feel it. Let it come. Let it be what it is. Great love leads to great sorrow. It is the way of things.

    But, I'm a trooper. I'll get through it bye and bye. I always do.
     
  18. Ljbellus

    Ljbellus Registered

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    I have lurked around this forum for a while now and just finished reading this beautiful story. I have believed and I have felt every word and I just had to respond. I am so sorry for your loss Tanguerra. Your X sounds like such a remarkable soul, as, most definitely are you, and losing him must be so painful. I applaud you for your genorosity in sharing your story.
     
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  19. tanguerra

    tanguerra Administrator

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    Thanks. I just miss him. I'm alright (mostly). Staying up late when I should be sleeping ... but ...

    He's missing it.

    So many exciting things happening in the world and no X to share it with.

    He would have really liked this.

     
    Last edited: Dec 22, 2016
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  20. Ljbellus

    Ljbellus Registered

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    When I am missing someone in particular, I listen to "I Go To Sleep" by Sia. I have a little sob and then feel much better.

    I have her CD, but it's probably on youtube. It definitely helps me cope.
     
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