My past lives research

Discussion in 'Past Life Memories' started by Totoro, Jul 25, 2011.

  1. Totoro

    Totoro Moderator Staff Member Super Moderator

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    I hope this is the right forum for this post. I'm just going to detail some of the research coupled with memories and findings that I've done for myself.

    Ok warning --! very lengthy, cathartic post head.


    Since the beginning, I've had unexplained impressions. The first that I remember is feeling like my birthdate was important. I didn't know why at the time, but as a child I would ask my mother what day of the week I was born, what time etc. I also used to scour encyclopedias or anything really, hoping to find something that occurred on that date.

    I've had a particular way of sleeping since I was a child, I would have to position the bed on the far wall from the door and I would have to sleep facing the door at night because I was terrified that someone was going to come in and get me. Not to mention I also had an extremely unnatural fear of death at that age too.

    The second set of impressions I had were two fold. I had a voracious appetite for anything asian, specifically chinese. I love chinese food, I've been eating with chopsticks since about age four. I also loved any kind of tv I could find and i was lucky that in the late 70's and 80's there was an abundance of kung ** movies. I loved (and still do) the kung **, but there was always something comforting about the tile roofs, clothes etc in the movies. Something kind of familiar and comforting, like a grandmothers house. I also used to have the odd habit of reading magazines from the back cover to the front. This was long before manga had made it to the US.

    The other aspect I had was I had an equal appetite for anything from england. I used to write my dates in school day, month, year like they do there and write words such as colour, because it made me feel fancy and modern.

    The next impression I had was when I was 13, I had a vague memory of living alone and wearing some kind of robes. I thought I may have been a monk or something..

    Later in college I had a friend that did tarot readings and she said I wasn't a monk and on another reading she said something important would happen with someone on the 13th. That's the date of my birth and marriage, and the number seems to repeat.

    So flash foward until recently and I've been trying to do my own tarot readings for the past 8 years or so. For me though, it doesn't really need to be tarot cards. I'm just using anything I can to get an impression from, so I suppose a dictionary or encyclopedia may work, but I like having the pictures on the cards and the descriptions to read for something to pop out at me.

    Typically, I'd get the same cards when I'd try and concentrate on a past life. A death or prison, a corrupt ruler or father figure, the empress card, maybe meaning royalty?

    At that point I had assumed I was asian and some sort of nobility or even a priest or monk or something. However I just wasn't seeing it.

    In the interim, I had done some research on tarot and I realized I was asking specific questions, like tell me a name or date. Instead, I should have been asking directed questions, such as "can I have a clue as to where to look?"

    One I got the hang of that, words just started jumping out at me, specifically "withdrawn" and "empress".

    So naturally, I googled it and the first hit was Empress Dowager Cixi, but that just didn't feel right. The second one, Empress Wan Rong, hit me like a punch to the stomach. Scanning her wikkipedia page, I saw that we had the same birthdates.

    The funny thing here, is that i've seen her page and knew a little bit about her before. But for some reason I just wasn't realizing it. Why? I don't know. I think maybe I wasn't ready for it previously, I had too much self doubt or I wasn't centered and connecting the way that I am now.

    A bit of history on Wan Rong is that she married the last chinese emperor at age 17, which was more or less loveless for her. Some years later, shewas taken prisoner by the communist party and later died in prison of opium withdrawal and starvation. As the story goes anyway..

    Later I realized that "withdrawn" actually meant "withdrawal".

    So later, I began looking at pictures of her that I could find online. Nothing really sank in. I mean, how could it? You're looking at someone else and trying to tell yourself that's you when you don't remember it. I had the lingering feeling something was missing.

    I'm male in this life, but I've always felt like I was a woman. I'm happy, but sort of in the sense that I'm at a life long costume party. Like I'm sort of watching life from inside of it (the costume) and people aren't seeing the real me.
     
  2. Totoro

    Totoro Moderator Staff Member Super Moderator

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    I have a chinese friend, his self taken name is David (after the biblical king david). I never set out to have a chinese friend, he was a mutual friend that just sort of latched on to me and said "well i'm here" and I was like "ok". I also used to try and find out if he was perhaps a child of mine and I thought that sort of made sense. Or maybe even an old boy friend or something. At one point, I even asked myself if I was a girl, If I could have, or would have gone out with him.


    So as I was browsing across pictures, i found one I hadn't seen before.


    [​IMG]


    I sat there thinking, "could that be me?" but there was something I didn't want to see and then it became to overwhelming to ignore. her husband, PuYi, is my friend David. I recognized the same disconnected, distant expression I had known for 15 years now.


    I suddenly started crying very softly to myself, as I was at work at the time. Had I been at home, I'm sure the reaction would have been much worse. But the sense of grief and loss I felt was gut wrenching. I suddenly felt overcome by feeling like my life was stolen from me. I want my life back, my hair and my dresses. That photo was from when it all went wrong.


    I knew that was me and him sitting there, then. What I later learned about PuYi only served to confirm it. PuYi was a character of impotence in life. Not being good enough to strive for his own excellence, and not being bad enough to completly manipulate those around him. but only enough of both to be ineffective and miserable and yet arrogant to think he was in charge of the whole thing.


    I found a book online that had been translated from chinese that was titled "the sad life of wan rong". A statement PuYi once made was that people were unimportant to him and that he tended to think of them as slaves.


    My friend lives with his mother, simply for the convenience of having someone to do the wash, cook and pay for the shopping. She lives on social security BTW. he instead works overtime to build up a bank account, starving himself in the process. In fact, his hair has turned gray from malnutrition, which he dyes. He calls me constantly, asking me to do menial things like look up phone numbers on the internet. He's extremely underhanded as well, if he eats at my house, he'll bring over food he likes, but nobody else does. That way he's got the extras to take home and the grace of "pitching in".
     
  3. Totoro

    Totoro Moderator Staff Member Super Moderator

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    Born into a peasant family from hong kong, he's too proud of being Chinese, even refusing to see movies such as the Green Lantern, because the co star is depicted as a servant, yet he's ashamed of his meager roots, refusing to speak chinese around other chinese for fear of his dialect giving him away.


    PuYi was a bicycle fanatic, my friend has been building a carbon fiber racing bike for the past ten years.


    Later in life PuYi, alone and forgotten at this time, married a woman who was later quoted at saying that she felt he thrust himself on her out of desperation.


    Just in my mind, all laid out, everything fit. Or at least the main bits. In this life, he refuses to give me up as well, thrusting himself upon me, frequently.


    Wan Rong died in '46. PuYi, october 17th, 1967, which is also my friends birthdate. We were both born in '74. Me, having 28 years and he only 7 between lives, I firmly believe he rushed to find the quickest and easiest way back to me in this life.


    A few days later I happened to be talking about the experience with a friend that had done some past life regression with another friend, who is a therapist. He said that he discovered that he had had a spirit guide, who turned out to be his grandmother.


    I had never stopped to ask who I was talking to when I asked questions; so I did. After several false starts, I realized that the card, the two of cups, titled "the lovers" didn't mean lovers. It's an image of a man and woman hugging and I suddenly realized that it's a father and a daughter. I was talking to my father.


    I asked, if people can reincarnate, why haven't you? He told me he stayed behind to watch over me as he feels guilty about abandoning me in his pursuit of wealth, power and prestige. He worked as a minister in the Qing government and no doubt used his position to present Wan Rong as a candidate for marriage. Wan Rong was left with an overprotective mother, which is something he also feels bad about.


    She had a brother named Ronqi, who was good friends with PuYi and tried to use his friendship to jumpstart another monarchy in China. He died in 2007. I asked about him and I was told that he was favored as a young child, but they don't speak as Ronqi grew to be arrogant and jealous. Many times over I was also given the strong impression he does not like my friend.


    From what I've been able to learn it seems like I live almost parrallel lives. I grew up in a wealthy family as the forgotten child with an over protective mother and absent father. I'm male in this life because i believe that I did it to make my past father happy. My favorite color is and was red. I like to spend time alone and I used to like embroidery, which is something I used to enjoy doing with my mother as a child.


    Once, I bought a yellow Kia girls bicycle on a whim from a thrift store because I thought it looked retro and yet modern at the same time. I later found a picture of Wan Rong on a similar bicycle. I'll have to dig up and post a picture of it.


    Wan Rong also studied under an English tutor and was obsessed with english culture and modernness.


    I'm still searching and learning.. and that's where I'm at now.


    Heck of a second post, thanks for reading.:thumbsup:
     
  4. ChrisR

    ChrisR Administrator

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    Thanks for sharing Totoro, and welcome to the forum :)


    Your story is very interesting with more than enough signs to suggest that you were Wan Rong in your past life. Have you ever spoken to your friend, David about this? I wonder if he is a believer in reincarnation? You seem to be knowledgeable enough on this topic to know that most, if not all of us, spend many lives in succession together with the same souls, so it's no surprise that you found each other again. I hope you'll let us know if there are any further developments.


    Chris :)
     
  5. Totoro

    Totoro Moderator Staff Member Super Moderator

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    I believe we do, as my assumption that he must have been someone very close to me at one point.


    He is vehemently opposed to any notion of spirituality. I once mentioned my habit of flipping through books back to front and suggesting something about reincarnation and he blew me off pretty strongly. I've had someone mention to me that that is a sign of a young or immature soul.


    Begrudgingly, he does think there is something "wrong" with him. Once he told me that his mom tried to read his palm once and forbade him from seeing a fortune teller.


    His parents don't speak English and I can only speak limited catonese, from what I've was able to pick up from them. I considered them second parents. From what he's told me, they thought of me as a real chinese kid, obedient, respectful of elders etc. Something more akin to their traditional ideal as opposed to the american styled kids he, his brother and sister are.
     
  6. Totoro

    Totoro Moderator Staff Member Super Moderator

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    I can't seem to locate the picture of the bicycle I bought, however I bought the same model, but in yellow about 3 years ago from a thrift store on a whim because it looked fun, sort of retro and modern and just struck a "chord" with me.


    I ended up getting rid of it a few months later as the sprocket was bent, causing the chain to keep falling off and there were some serious rust issues.


    [​IMG]


    And here is Wan Rong on a very similar bicycle.


    [​IMG]


    I've been a bicycle rider for most of my life and in fact I traded up after getting rid of the old Kia to a mountain bike, but for the short time I had it, I had never felt so free or alive on one.
     
  7. Totoro

    Totoro Moderator Staff Member Super Moderator

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    I just read thing from a biography on PuYi:


    "He died in Beijing of complications arising from kidney cancer and heart disease on 17 October 1967."


    My friend, in the last year has been having complications with or a kidney problem. He had some tests run and wouldn't tell me the whole thing, but he was afraid of having jaundice and hepatitis.


    And in the line of physical ailments, I also have asthma, which may be a carry over from Wan Rong's chain smoking.
     
  8. usetawuz

    usetawuz Senior Registered

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    Totoro, that is a wonderful review of your past life and it feels absolutely right. I guess it is not surprising that my own experience follows along the same sort of trail of connections, clues and impressions...now the key is to find a way for that knowledge to benefit you in this lifetime. What is the purpose and plan you made with those soulmates for this lifetime? It is all part of the fun and you've been awake, aware and conscious enough to follow the clues to this point. What do you do next?
     
  9. Totoro

    Totoro Moderator Staff Member Super Moderator

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    I think that's the part that worries me and in part, why I joined the forum.


    As far as relationships go, I think with my friend and his family, it's served it's purpose in my life, but I think on the whole, his presence is dictated by him rather than me.


    I'm fairly certain that my mother now, is the same mother from Wan Rong's life. It'll take some more research, but I think my mother is learning and growing from me and that process is well under way.


    As for me, I don't know. I seem to keep getting the idea that I should be making more of my talents and putting those to work for me.


    I was told by someone that perhaps Wan Rong's death was fated. Some numerology said that my birthdate is a reflection of both her birth and death. Maybe she's been given a second shot at life, since we seem to be very much the same person in personality and lives.
     
  10. gettinglucky

    gettinglucky Probationary

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    Totoro, a SAFE way to ask would be to go somewhere quiet and meditate on your inner being, and ask HER all that you need to ask. Wait for the answer to come to you (ie. in a dream, etc.) --- it will come to you if you are receptive.
     
  11. usetawuz

    usetawuz Senior Registered

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    I agree with being open to receiving information that is waiting on you to receive it. My experience has been that when I ask I receive...I am also surprised at how frequently I forget to ask!
     
  12. Totoro

    Totoro Moderator Staff Member Super Moderator

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  13. Totoro

    Totoro Moderator Staff Member Super Moderator

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    I thought i'd posta two quick thought here..


    The first is that i've been reading a book by Puyi's friend and adviser. After reading a good bit of it, I feel that he had been manipulating Puyi for his own intentions, even if they were good ones.


    My friend came over last night and I kind of wanted to test the waters so I mentioned I was reading the book and my thoughts. My friend suddenly sounded very morose (which is how he sounds when he doesn't want to talk about something) and gravely said "well he should have hired better people".


    I then went onto say I felt bad because obviously he had issues and he didn't know who to trust. I was very surprised when he very tersely spat out "yea well his mother died when he was young" in response.


    His bitterness towards the events and time period is kind of odd. He has no trouble blurting out something about puyi, the japanese invasion or anything from time to time but I also get the distinct feeling im not allowed to bring it up or talk about it.


    It's odd to me because i'm Caucasian, yet I eat with chopsticks every day, I can understand a good bit of chinese, were constantly watching chinese movies, we go to asian grocery stores together and when we were younger we did all sorts of cultural events together, all of which he has no problem with, but yet we can't discuss china or chinese history.


    Obviously there's some huge emotional block there for him that he refuses to look at, but I guess in a way I find it irritating, because it's really the only kind of rejection I get from him.
     
  14. MaritaMari

    MaritaMari Senior Registered

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    It's interesting you mentioned you always considered your birthday very important. It also happened to me and it proved right. Date and the year of my birth has its counterpart in this person's life, just several centuries earlier.
     
  15. Totoro

    Totoro Moderator Staff Member Super Moderator

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    what's funny too if i use 1906 and change my birthplace to Beijing for astrology reports and such, they're more accurate to me than when i use my own.


    Another neat thing that came up was Wan Rong was born on tuesday, I was born on wendsday. I found it highly symbolic if anything that she was born one day, then I in the next life, the next day.


    A friend pointed out to me too that i'll be 39 (the age she died) in 2013. 13 again!


    there's many many things like that that keep popping up if you keep looking...
     
  16. Totoro

    Totoro Moderator Staff Member Super Moderator

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  17. usetawuz

    usetawuz Senior Registered

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    Totoro, your blog entry really is a well laid out analysis of the evidence you have collected and the meaning behind it. It seems very clear that you and your soulmates have gone from one lifetime to another, once more playing different roles for each other. I am particularly interested in the purpose for the current connection to Wan Rong's husband/your friend...he sounded lost in the last life and this one does not sound very positive, either. As you mentioned earlier, he dictates his presence, so he certainly feels a level of comfort and connection with you in this lifetime...although I do not get a sense of obligation on your part.


    You describe a wonderful view into what I have come to understand as a "pod" or group of soulmates moving together through lives. To me, that is a comfort, a sense of reassurance and continuity that those we love while incarnate do not go away...they simply change bodies and roles in our lives.
     
  18. Totoro

    Totoro Moderator Staff Member Super Moderator

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    I agree, it is of a great comfort. And thank you for your comments.


    A funny / cute anecdote here is that when it dawned on me that my son was my bother, I suddenly felt self aware and combined it with my own guilt for my bother passing away in that, for a while, I was really worried about upsetting him and losing the connection I had with him.


    It was actually your comments to another post here that reminded me of that connection and purpose that he's here because he trusts and expects me to give him the boundaries and foundations he needs. Reading that set me straight! :thumbsup: :laugh: Well, he's here for me too.. but that goes without saying.


    The connection between me and my friend is the one thing I can't seem to zero in on. My relationship with him is based more on familiarity and old patterns or routines than anything. That's not to say that I don't enjoy our friendship, I just don't have the level of dependency he seems to exhibit.


    I can see why they got on well enough, as I've posted / blogged about, even if it was an arranged marriage. But what the difficult thing for me to understand is what connection they had before that, as in perhaps a life previous to that one, or how this bond was formed between them then. So much so, that he's with me now.


    He seems to consider me deeply, even though he won't mention it or speak of it except in isolated and usually abrupt situations. For instance he's commented on my sense of fairness and he wants to place me in charge of everything if he should suddenly die.


    Perhaps he is homosexual in this life and he's been having a one sided relationship with me? But if so, I was female previously and then what was the connection? Why does he hold me in so much esteem? I'm baffled honestly.


    I'm currently reading Puyi's autobiography and perhaps that will yield some clues. I do know that my brother had said in a documentary that he did have a preference for me, in spite of recorded history saying that he walked out of their bedroom and that was the end of that. He was also cut off from his family and friends in the Forbidden City, his mother committed suicide after being yelled at by one of the Consorts (high ranking women) and his nurse maid, the only person he felt close to, was sent away when he was 8. Given that, it's possible that he saw / sees me as some sort of combination mother / wife / best friend figure.


    He has been very selfish and self serving (the intro to his autobiography stated as much) in this life, but he has made some progress.


    I could go on actually for quite a while about the psychological implications of his past and present life, but the original question remains and I have to agree that I'm just as curious.


    I feel the same why you do about the "pod". The more research I do into my past family members, the more the connections just seem to pile up. It certainly helps put a bit of the "cosmic" perspective on things and I actually find it easy to forgive them for the transgressions of this life when I realize we're all here for our own (as well as mutual) purposes and that we've all got our own sets of baggage that we've packed up and brought with us.


    I really do feel more at peace with life. :D
     
  19. usetawuz

    usetawuz Senior Registered

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    Again, your analysis (not quoted) is wonderfully stated and exhibits a tremendous level of clarity and thoughtfulness...I sense you will obtain your answers as your friend becomes clearer.


    As for the comments quoted above, this has been my salvation...without developing a personal level of understanding of the way things work, why we are here and who we are with, I cannot imagine what my life might be like...I may be tilting at windmills...and life is much more peaceful having arrived at a theory that works for us (me).


    And I am flattered that something I've previously posted had a lasting, positive effect for you. Thank you for sharing.
     
  20. Totoro

    Totoro Moderator Staff Member Super Moderator

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    You also flatter me with your comments :laugh: thank you.
     

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