My past lives research

Discussion in 'Past Life Memories' started by Totoro, Jul 25, 2011.

  1. SeaAndSky

    SeaAndSky Senior Registered

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    Hi Totoro,

    Sorry about the bad year, and hope that it all will work out for the best. Nothing you say startles me too much in terms of the loosening of bonds allowing a degree of relaxing into who you actually feel yourself to be. One way or another, I think this happens to everybody to some degree or another in this situation. The truth is that we all have to sacrifice part of ourselves to make marriage work--once again, some more and some less. No two people ever seem to be an exact match, though some definitely come closer than others. One way or another, the sacrifice is worth it or (in this modern age) people call it quits. I hope for the best for you and your wife, but in my heart feel like its going to be a toughie either way. And, conversely, there are going to be some positives either way. Perhaps the balance will be better for both of you this time around. Only you two can make the decision, and it takes two to make it work. Best of luck!

    Cordially,
    S&S

    PS--Very curious about the how you "know that I'll be a girl again in my next life and we will live again in Tianjin, China." This subject came up repeatedly with "Divine One" in her prior threads.
     
  2. Totoro

    Totoro Super Moderator Staff Member Super Moderator

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    You're absolutely right.. there's not much I can add to your insightful commentary! I'm just kind of playing the waiting game right now and it's incredibly hard.

    I've had quite a few dreams and just some intuition about myself and where I see things going. First, I had a lucid dream in which I was looking at myself in the backseat of my dad's car. I knew it was my dad's as it was the kind of car he'd like.. really fancy, leather interior and I was sitting on the side I always did when I was a kid. I was a young girl, maybe 10-12. I couldn't see my face though as I was looking out the window, which is what I liked to do. It more like some out of body experiences I've had rather than a dream. I'm just kind of floating, looking at myself from the outside. I don't have any sensations of having a body or anything. The girl was obviously Asian.. she had long black hair.

    The second dream I had was another lucid, out of body experience. All though this time, I was with my parents and sister and we were floating near some mountains and looking down at what looked like a giant, wide, concrete sidewalk next to the water. We didn't have bodies and I could only "sense" that my family was there. My dad wanted us to be there to look at all the changes that were occurring around our home. I've always recalled the dream whenever I see threads or posts about being tied to a particular geographical place. I was able to find an article online and a photo that detailed what I was looking at. At the time I had the dream, there was an explosion in economic development in Tianjin and a major expansion at the port, which is what we were looking at.

    If it wasn't for the hostile period in time towards the imperial families, I'm sure we'd still be there instead of where we are today. As the economic development of China picks up and my dad being the businessman he is, I see us going back there and the dream was perhaps a family meeting or investigation of the potential of moving back. It's interesting that when I was a kid, long before any of this and I guess I was just a Sinophile, I was just hoping and wishing that China would have an industrial revolution and that it deserved one.

    I must have been pulling on the knowledge of my former life as now I'm watching many, many films about the imperial period in China that seem to be addressing the question about why China was the birthplace of most of the world's foundation.. Paper, gunpowder, the printing press, the cross bow and many other countless inventions. Yet somehow it failed to capitalize on those and fell behind the rest of the world and was conquered by their innovations of things that China invented.

    This life for me was a sort of time out. All of my male lives have been in the military and I tried to join too in this life, but I had such crippling anxiety about it, I failed to go through with it. My wife always said it was a good thing I didn't as I never would have met her. The world isn't based on inherited chains of power passed through dynasties any more. As Ranjit Singh, my empire collapsed as soon as I was gone. That's a big feather in my cap, but it also demonstrates how futile forms of government like that are. In China, I had no power but I did what I could.

    Intuitively, I see taking up my old mother, daughter relationship with my mom again. I then see myself going to dance and martial arts classes and in trying to fulfill my mission to always help people, I'll most likely work in film or TV where I'll become one of those annoying actresses who are always working for one cause or another.. But I won't be doing it out of guilt, but genuine sincerity. I don't see myself running for office or anything like that.. Ranjit inherited his empire from his father and made it his own. I don't see myself forging empires and fighting wars anymore, but rather using what makes me unique as a person to find my own success and using that as a platform for helping people. Although I still want to fight, so I see myself having a career as a female action star. Acting was something else I strongly wanted to get into in this life..
     
  3. SeaAndSky

    SeaAndSky Senior Registered

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    Hi Totoro,

    Thanks for the info on your dreams, which definitely seem to be of a precognitive/Future life revealing type. I remain fascinated by the way that people identify with being "Chinese" or "Irish" or "Ancient Egyptian" or etc. This is something that I started a thread on a while back. The reaction was a bit "mixed" as I recall, but it seems to me that just as we develop a sense of ourselves in relation to (or one of) a particular grouping of individuals who continue to show up in our various lives, or as being essentially masculine or feminine, it appears that we also develop a sense of ourselves, individually as well as a soul group, in relation to a particular culture and (often) geographical region. All of this may just be because we develop a degree of familiarity that makes us continue to gravitate towards what we know best (and possibly love). However, I rather like that sense of continuity, though I also can see that not everyone fits under the bell curve in terms of continuity of soul group, gender, geography, culture, or region in every incarnation. Likewise, it seems that when it comes to "cultural" attractions, these can be very broad or very narrow, with region/culture being broadly "Euro" or "Far East" or etc. or extremely narrow, such as Japanese, Chinese, Irish, etc. Anyhow, thanks again for the insights. I am only hoping that China will be a very open and human rights oriented civilization by that time, as it may well be at the top of the heap by the time you get back there again!

    Cordially,
    S&S

    PS--Once again, best of luck in terms of the outcome of your waiting game. I can't help but hope that you two come back together in a fulfilling relationship that has been made stronger and more comfortable for both of you by virtue of what you have learned (and how you have changed) during your separation, but that's me. Underneath it all, I am pretty "romantic" about life and human relationships, and always hope for that "happily ever after" ending.

    PPS--I have also been very interested in martial arts during my life, but somehow my efforts to take and continue classes in Judo, Karate and Aikido have always run afoul of practical demands and been unsustainable. At this point, I'm not really looking in that direction any longer, but sometimes I have found that it is after I have stopped looking or even thinking about something that it pops back up again, often in a very different form.
     
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  4. Totoro

    Totoro Super Moderator Staff Member Super Moderator

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    S&S, that's my hope too.. hopefully we can both learn from this and grow stronger together, that's my wish as well.

    I've always wondered about gravitating towards certain things myself. Out of all the things we can choose to be, why choose the same or similar things? I've often wondered if we don't rotate or something.. maybe it's a silly thought.. During some deep meditation though, I definitely saw myself moving from the Savannah of Africa, to Japan, then Mongolia. I even did a guided regression where you descend down a spiral staircase. I then looked at myself and saw a dress and shoes I was later able to find a photo of myself in.

    Do you just mean that you haven't had time for matrial arts? It was fun.. I spent a long time doing it in my youth and young adult hood. I'm more content to practice now at home by myself when I have time.

    I see you're in Florida.. I'm over in Tampa. Which part are you in?
     
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  5. SeaAndSky

    SeaAndSky Senior Registered

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    Hi Totoro,

    Recently Tanguerra talked about "love" as being the thing that draws us back here. I'm not sure that is the only thing, but it certainly seems to be part of the equation, and I mean that in the broad sense. So, there is love of "someone" and/or love of what is commonly called our "soul group" (as Tanguerra suggests), but there are many other things to "love" as well. It is not that unusual, at least from books I read from the past, for people to intensely love their native land. I don't mean that in the rather abstract sense of most people who say they "love their country"--which can include all kinds of factors political and cultural. I'm initially talking about that intensive love of certain natural surroundings, the wind blown cliffs towering over the ocean, the long desert with its Biiiig sky and sunsets, the green mountains--what people often refer to in a general sense as "Home". Of course, culture, people and a variety of other things can be loved and become part of that love of place. So, I'm not surprised that we tend to gravitate to certain geographical areas. However, like you, I am aware of shifts that take place. How and why? Your situation may suggest at least one reason--changed circumstances at "home", but there could be many more.

    In terms of martial arts, I grew up where they were comparatively rare (during my growing up years), but got started as soon as I could after High School. Judo was available and I loved it. Unfortunately, they closed the dojo about the time I was ready to get my brown belt. Then I started Shotokan, once again getting to green before I had a move. Started in Tae Kwon Do, got to green in a jump promotion, and had to leave for law school. After a few years I started in another style and once again progressed, but job, marriage and family stopped me for decades after that (plus the fact that we have always lived in the country far away from much of that type). I finally got a chance to get started again in Aikido while I was in a stint up in Rochester, NY, but once again moved after I had been taking a couple of years and had a couple of promotions. That has been more than 9 years ago and I am now in my 60s, overweight and out of shape. Once again, I live in deep country, so I don't think I'll ever get back to it at this point, but life is strange that way--who knows what the future will bring.

    In terms of physical locale, I'm out in the country about half-way between Gainesville and Jacksonville. Anything I would want to do is at least an hour away and usually 1.5 hrs. The logistics, cost, and time away from family just make it pretty well impossible in most respects. I'm not so interested in "hard" style stuff at this point. I really liked Aikido, both because I appreciate it as a martial art, and because I think my body could still handle it the way it is generally practiced. I was always very interested in Pa Qua (as it was referred to in the 60s and 70s), but it was never available anywhere nearby, and never has been as far as I can tell. I could probably go into the reasons this particularly art attracted me in terms of the "soft" forms of Chinese arts, but I've rambled on long enough!

    Cordially,
    S&S

    PS--It is always possible that I have also had some lives in the Far East where the martial arts mentioned are practiced, but I don't know. I have also been very interested in Western styles, but they are even harder to get outside of large urban environments than Eastern styles.
     
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  6. tanguerra

    tanguerra Senior Registered

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    Yes. Love. Only love.

    Love of country: in the Australian Aborigine way - you belong to your 'country' but the land does not belong to you. Your 'country' owns you and you are drawn together. Nothing to do with 'flags' etc. It's complicated.

    Of course, the love of your family and your friends and your 'soul' group... Would you follow them anywhere? It depends.

    Love is the 'gravity' that holds it all together in my view. For better for worse, richer or poorer, sickness or health...

    I wrote about all the complicated feelings I felt (and still feel) about Scotland. My friends, my family, our farm, our land... war and all that in my thread on Scotland.

    I can relate.
     
    Last edited: Jan 25, 2017
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  7. Totoro

    Totoro Super Moderator Staff Member Super Moderator

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    I'm at a loss to explain it other than love myself.. I don't know what it is about China for me.. I remember being so frustrated watching those old Kung Fu movies as a kid. I felt like I should just know what the inside of the houses looked like and I used to try and pause movies to see if I could decode the characters in the credits. I mean I was literally angry and frustrated. It's like that feeling you get when you can't find your keys, but there they are, sitting on the hook or whatever where you left them! Ugh!

    You're right! Even here, I belong there..

    I made pepper steak last night for dinner and I'm finding it funny that I can cook really well now, but I can't cook rice to save my life. It's a cup of water, boil it, add rice. Right? Nope.. not that easy. I'm like how could I be a Chinese girl in my last life and not be able to make rice to save my life?!?! They said I preferred steamed buns over rice, which is true.. I guess rice was never my thing..

    http://www.ourbigmove.com/my-little-china-girl/

    I keep seeing things like this pop up all the time. I don't know of any other monarch that this happens to, but Puyi and Wan Rong seem to turn up over and over again in paintings, crafts, DIY art projects etc. It's really, really weird to see yourself being someone's couch pillow. There's a sort of impressionist movement where the paintings are all wispy, drippy, blurry and so on. It's kind of neat.

    Maybe it's the tragic lives they've lead; perhaps it holds some kind of romance and cultural identity. We see the same thing here with James Dean and Marilyn Monroe.
     
  8. Totoro

    Totoro Super Moderator Staff Member Super Moderator

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    (Photo no longer available)

    I just visited my parents for mother's day and my mom brought back this photo (on the left) of my great grandfather (my mother's mother's father). She always thought I was just like him in looks and personality. I have to say I strongly agree. My wife even thought this was some sort of old dress up picture I did. I couldn't seem to find a photo comparison of myself before and after I lost 40 pounds, but in the before, you'd be easily convinced this was me in the photo.

    He was a caretaker (wished he could have been some kind of counselor, I have a BA in psychology), loved to travel (he was a truck driver, something I wanted to do. For the space and the travel). He had a strong fondness for pastries (I love any kind of pastries!!). I've smoked in all of my lives. I've wanted a pipe in this one, but never got around to it and quit before I ever could.

    Funny thing is, he moved across the country to live in an area of southern California that was right next to where I had distinct memories of the vietnam war. I highly suspect I "checked in on" a young man who was a helicopter pilot during the vietnam war and lived in that area as well. I'm also very close with my grandmother and mother.

    I think, this could be a split life. He was born in 1910 and my Chinese life was born in 1906. It explains very well why I've always felt like I was a 60/40 split between a young woman and an old man. Aside from feminine qualities, I have a huge affinity for the 30's and 40's. I'm much more familiar with Jack Benny, George Burns, the shadow and things like that than anyone of my generation. I also comb my hair with pomade in a 40's style as well. Not like anything the hipsters do now, but something like you'd see on the andy griffith show.

    I remember though when I was a kid one summer, I made my own corn cob pipe out of a dried piece of corn and a straw from a juice box. That was also the around the time I ran around my cousins basement in a pair of heels someone had given her to play dress up with! Funny how past live traits come out! I'm actually laughing now thinking back on it!

    I asked my mom his birthday, but she doesn't know. We're going to NY soon and she's going to look for me in some records at her parent's house.
     
    Last edited: May 15, 2017
  9. Totoro

    Totoro Super Moderator Staff Member Super Moderator

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    ugh photobucket went down as a host.. I may try imagur.



    Little info, me and my wife are separated right now. It's been a year (which is why I haven't been so active here) and I've also bee taking over my boss' job which has kept me really busy and now I'm a single parent so..

    Part of that is that I've been on a divorce / separation support forum and someone posted the song at the youtube link above. I had to ruminate on it a couple days, but I realized it sounded familiar to me, as for no reason at all, I had written a "statement" or poem I guess you could call it, that was very similar to the lyrics of the song. I was so taken with it, I taped it up on the wall next to my desk for some reason. The song is from 1966 and it just hit me that the young man that was a helicopter pilot during Vietnam most likely would have have listened to novelty songs like that.

    Makes me wonder how we see the world through other's eyes like that. I remember scanning around in South Africa too. It makes me think of Michel Newton's books where people remember being in things like viewing chambers.
     
  10. Totoro

    Totoro Super Moderator Staff Member Super Moderator

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    I just wanted to re upload some photos that I that had gone missing out of my thread from the forum move.

    Below is my great grandfather and I. I believe this is a simultaneous life of mine. My mom for years told me how much I remind her of him. We were both in technical fields, she said he wished he could have been a psychologist, I have a degree in psychology, we both love cheese danishes (with a passion!). My mom, many years later, told me that He divorced his first wife because she had been cheating on him. She only recently said this.. for years the story was she'd sit in the bar. My wife cheated on me and we're divorcing. I went into the census records and he was 6 years older than his wife and so I am I. Before I was born, he moved out to California. I think partly to stay away from me and to be closer to someone I seem to be involved with spiritually that was a helicopter pilot during Vietnam. He lived near Solvang, where he got cheese danishes, I'm laughing because I would do the same thing. However, that's several hours drive from Big Sur. I have quite a few impressions of a young man hanging around south California nature parks on the beach and a love of hot rods. My great grandfather was a mechanic, it's quite possible that they crossed paths at some point. My wife, I feel is trying to get over past life baggage, as in Wan R0ng's life, she was her sister in law. Her mother was very abusive then as she was now.

    18519537_1572437189456620_4192151576042973847_n_zpswtulp5yv.jpg

    This is me and my past life, Ranjit Singh, who live in Pakistan at the turn of the 19th century. No known photos were known to exist and this was a modern interpretation of him. I think the artist may have used photos of his son, Duleep (also my son now), as the basis for the portrait. He, Wan Rong and I share the same birthday. He was born on Monday nov 13 1780, Wan Rong on Tuesday 1906 and I on Wednesday 1974.

    Capt223ure_zps3fdtrsdv.jpg

    These are some facial comparisons between me and Wan Rong at different angles. In the photo on the left, I was really surprised how much our mouths look a like along with the shape of our chin. We share the same father, but different biological mothers. The lower face is reminiscent of our dad. The overall arrangement, cheekbones and maybe even the circles under our eyes are nearly the same. It's strange, I've read on Chinese forums, people say she looks like a man. I've been told I'm too pretty to be a guy. Although I look pretty haggard in these photos.


    wanrongcompare.JPG


    This is my sister and Wan Rong's brother. We both swapped genders. At the time, I never considered my sister could have been a brother of Wan Rongs. When I found his photo, I was in disbelief how similar their body, posture etc is. My sister has Wan Rong's assumed name, Elizabeth. My mother's birthday is also the same as Ranjit Singh's death date.


    Image11.jpg


    This is my friend, David. Not his real name, but self chosen name for King David of Israel, much like Puyi's chosen name of Henry, for King Henry. He won't let me take photos of him, so this I did it secretly. Notice how his head is much the same shape, eyebrows and he even chooses the same style glasses. Both of them have been described as being sickly and gaunt.

    puyi_zps0e3744d9.jpg
     
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  11. Totoro

    Totoro Super Moderator Staff Member Super Moderator

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    I just wanted to use this space to journal and or blog for a bit.

    Me and my wife have been separated for about 3 years now and the divorce is slowly winding its way through. I know she was also Ranjit's wife, Jind Kaur, whom historians have described as being his favorite wife. Their son, Duleep, is also my son now, as he was also Wan Rong's brother, Runqi. There's no doubt I love my wife, but she seems to be very troubled and it seems to have been following her for many lifetimes. All of the photos I have seen of her portray the same distant, far off gaze, I know that is from her depression. I'm not sure what happened to her as Jind Kaur, but I know as Yun Ying, her mother was very abusive and her mother was also abusive in this life as well, so I can assume that also extends to her other lives as well. I think my role has been as her husband, to try and help her along and out of her issues and I feel like I haven't gotten anywhere.

    I may have taken a detour as being female in my past life, but that's also because I'm pretty sure I was my own great grandfather, who was born a bit after Wan Rong. He and his first wife also bear the same pattern that my wife and I have; we're six years older than our wives and they both cheated on us. Of course, after Wan Rong, I now have my life where I am now married to her as well Sl we both seem to have simultaneous lives going, but her's have been both female.

    Maybe our stories aren't finished yet for these lives, but I feel like I've been the one giving for some many and now that she's gone, I want to ask what I accomplished. I know though, the blame isn't mine and she's the one that needs to do the work, but I feel cheated and frustrated because I died, unfulfilled, at 39 in my past life. I desperately want to be a normal girl.. I want ballet lessons and shopping trips with my mom, I want to have kids some day, go to college and just be normal. I just feel like I did this for her, nothing worked out and I just keep giving.

    I truly believe that we're here to help one another and we are and I am, but I need time for me too. It's not wrong for me to be concerned with my own happiness. Maybe that's why I've had an alternating pattern of male and female and simultaneous lives. I'm helping her and trying to squeeze that in too.

    I'm posting this on the heels of the transgender thread that was just going around. I think I'm just a girl.. I'm just male when I need to be and this little, Sargasso sea I suppose, of maleness is just tiring, especially when I don't feel I've accomplished what I wanted to. I know that's not on me though. I know these have been difficult lives and more so since I seem to be the sort of keystone between all of my family members.

    I am grateful though, that for the most part, my relationships with everyone have carried on the same, from our past lives. But there's still something missing. I wish I could look at women's clothes without feeling like a creep, have people see me for who I am and treat me that way and as just another girl.

    Anyway, you get my point! Thanks for listening.
     
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  12. Totoro

    Totoro Super Moderator Staff Member Super Moderator

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    I was shared this sample of my handwriting from another member here. I did a sample writing of my own, without looking at the page, to see what matched. The only thing that was close is the K in King and the word us was an exact. Most striking though is how I seem to have maintained the habit of using print capital letters and then cursive for the rest of the word; I could never remember how to write capital cursive letters.

    Since I was a child, I always preferred the British English spellings of words such as colour instead of color; I always felt that it was fancy and more proper. I've also always written my dates, day month year rather than the month, day, American format. I just assumed it was from having two lives that were lived under British imperialism and in this page I have proof that I did indeed write that way. I don't know what the fancy divider line is called, but I've always put those on cards and written papers as well.

    The biggest thing to me though is how precise the cursive is. I was also told by this person (a native Chinese speaker, who was able to look up more info than I could have) I used to be good painter and artist too. In this life, I simply don't have fine motor control and muscles that lend themselves to sustained effort. My writing now is hurried and I actually prefer not to do it if I don't have to.

    I mention this because I spent a lot of my childhood being in awe of other kids who could draw with ease. I tried many, many times over to practice and learn how to do it and I never could. Most people would have assume it wasn't their thing and moved on, but I got hung up on it. I suppose this is why, it was a physical skill that didn't transfer. On the other hand, Ranjit couldn't write or at best, his handwriting was extremely poor. In this particular case, I find it quite interesting how the mind and body align, in terms of gender. Otherwise, I still enjoy photography and play the piano and many of the same hobbies.


    4r5s00049983n884r314.jpg
     
  13. Totoro

    Totoro Super Moderator Staff Member Super Moderator

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    This is a photo comparison of my wife to her past life. She was Puyi's sister Yun Ying I think the photos look more a like in her later in life. The on thing I've seen consistently is her crooked, to the left smile. We got talking about past lives and for no reason, she said "I have a crooked smile". I laughed and said I've seen it many times in photos.

    The last photo is her past life, previous to that, as Jind Kaur, who according to history, was Ranjit's favorite wife. I think that was a given as I believe she is my soul mate.

    wifecomparison.jpg
    compare.jpg
    250px-Maharani_Jind_Kaur.jpg
     
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  14. Totoro

    Totoro Super Moderator Staff Member Super Moderator

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    I was just re reading Isabel Ingram's diaries and I just realized that my dad's name is still the same: John! In the diary, Isabel says she is teaching "Toutze" to write his name in English: John Jung. Jung is now spelled Rong, however, it sounds remarkably close to my last name now.

    I've never heard the name Toutze before. Wan Rong's brothers were Runliang and Runqi. Her father's name was Rong Yuan. I always thought Yuan (pronounced like Yu-ahn) sounded a lot like John, my dad's name. I can only assume she's talking about my dad because we both have Rong (Jung) in our name and the brothers were there.

    From reading the diaries, I had the impression that a girl named Grace was Isabel's friend. She talked once about taking photos of her fishing in a small pond, a scene I can recall vividly in my mind. However, I clearly saw Grace wearing a Chinese robe, so it didn't seem right to me that she would have came with Isabel, who wore western clothes. Isabel took photos of her fishing one day ( I found the pond I saw in my mind from photos of the Imperial Palace online) and after they were developed, I wouldn't let Isabel see them. I remember being jealous because I thought that Isabel was my friend.

    I think Grace may have been the English name of Wen Xiu, Puyi's second wife. Earlier in the diary, she refers to her as "the concubine"; she may have decided to take an English name at some point.


    Er ke ke is a nickname that Isabel called Wan Rong. The Corona that Isabel refers to is a typewriter.

    From the dairy:
     
    Last edited: Jan 24, 2019
  15. Totoro

    Totoro Super Moderator Staff Member Super Moderator

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    I found these photos online.. A couple I have seen before and some I hadn't. I just kind of looked at them and let thoughts come to me.

    I'm 12 and this was taken at my parent's house.
    30915194_1651613964933989_4325443125506998272_n.jpg

    I feel content.
    30592679_195633617885006_941969010428215296_n.jpg

    I looked at this photo for a long time and I don't like it. I think the year is 1930, that would make me 24. I don't like myself, I feel like a phony. I feel like I don't know who I am. I feel lost. *edit.. I found a similar picture online and confirmed that it's from 1930, after Puyi and Wan Rong moved from the Imperial Palace in Beijing, to the legation quarter.
    41451940_268252277355168_7029547525813493713_n.jpg

    I feel a bit bored. It's fun watching them on the see saw, but it's a game for kids and I feel a little too old for that now
    41562992_708056876212132_1778906028941273591_n.jpg
     
    Last edited: Jan 25, 2019
  16. Totoro

    Totoro Super Moderator Staff Member Super Moderator

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    Puyi_and_wanrong.jpg

    I'm still feeling disturbed today, so I'm going to keep blogging my feelings.

    The photo above, is the one I saw many years ago that released the wall or helped me see through the veil to my past life. I was so full of anger and it was directed towards Puyi, for robbing me of my life and my future.


    [​IMG]

    When I look at this photo, a lot of the anger seems to be directed at me. I feel cursed, I have too much anxiety. I can't sleep, I feel like I'm losing weight and I'm already small enough.

    I worry all the time. I know this period in my life is one of the most talked about and sensationalized. There is truth in what people say. We were free from the Imperial Palace and we weren't children any more. We spent, danced and acted like the kings and queens of Europe we admired so much because they lived in public; not locked away like happy little children, who only feel that way because of their complete ignorance.

    But it was a distraction. I knew we weren't normal people. We didn't have jobs, we didn't have anywhere to go and I knew we were living on borrowed time. I asked my dad to use his American business contacts to get us passports to the US. I asked Puyi to ask Reginald Johnston about travelling to the UK to "study". I even tried to run away several times. I had no plan, but I knew I wanted out.

    In contrast, Puyi was content. He had an inflated sense of self importance and he never fully realized that he had no power; he had some sort of dysfunctional relationship with it. He kept thinking that if he made some grand token gesture, he would finally have it.

    He relished playing the role of big uncle and big brother and he equally loved the sense of fear and importance being the "Emperor" would instill in people. But I think everyone laughed behind our backs instead.

    We were kept in the palace because it kept the money coming in and it was equally going out. The palace was constantly looted by the people that lived and worked there and part of it was even set on fire to cover their tracks. We were eventually forced out with what little money we had left and we continued to spend because it was a distraction from the worry and fear we, or at least I, felt.

    The family tombs were robbed to fund one warlord's campaign against another and Puyi blamed the whole of China for the transgression and then sided with the Japanese in some misguided attempt to launch a coup from there to retake China, even though we were offered amnesty and a salary.

    The two photos weren't taken that far apart, in terms of time. However it's interesting because in the first one, I blame Puyi and I blame my dad for putting me in this situation. In the second, I blame myself for not being good enough or strong enough to be able to do anything about it.

    It was a strange experience last night. I sat and looked at the photo on my phone and I told myself, that I loved myself and I'm sorry that there was nothing I could do and that I tried to hold onto her as long as I could, in this life.

    I still feel really sad now, like I'm on the verge of tears. She was the life I really wanted, but it just wasn't meant to be. I suppose if you can pick out bodies like you can take a dress off of a rack at a store, it was the one I really, really wanted. I guess it's that feeling when you stand in the mirror and you've found the perfect dress and you try to hold onto it for as long as you can because you know you can't afford it and you're just trying to hold onto every second and every feeling until that short time is over and you have to finally put it back.

    I give so much of myself and my lives to other people, I just wanted something for me, just once.
     
    Last edited: Jan 26, 2019
  17. Totoro

    Totoro Super Moderator Staff Member Super Moderator

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    Just blogging.. today is my first day of ADD meds. Many of my problems in this life stem from untreated ADD. Being nearly 45 though, I've done quite a lot of work on my own in being able to use tricks for organization and time management, but I've often felt like I've been missing that next step up towards productivity and personal success. I've done a lot of reading that seems to correlate getting ADD managed with medicine with being able to overcome all of those hurdles. I'm a mad coffee addict (it's a natural "cure" for it) and I'm willing to give it a try.

    I'm posting about it here because it's past life related and represents a big step for me. I still have no clue how these things work, but the symptoms of ADD were clearly present in both my past lives. It's always been with a lot of shame and a heavy heart to read almost reviews of my lives, by people who criticize or even make fun of my ADD. They weren't seeing it as such, but only the manifestation of it.

    Having untreated ADD is like having depression.. you feel emotionally flat and you can't get motivated or shift your focus to do things. It's very easy to form a dependence on things that raise serotonin and dopamine levels (people with ADD are actually low in these neurotransmitters), like over eating, drugs, alcohol, stimulating music and video games etc. In all my lives, the symptoms were there.. over focus, a lack of impulse control and an over reliance on drugs and alcohol. In all of my lives I've smoked tobacco, drank and in the last two, I also consumed opium.

    The biggest difference between me now and then is back then, I could get away with it not being under control. But really, nobody even knew what ADD was back then, however, it was almost somewhat expected of me to follow my own pursuits and drink and do drugs if I wanted to, nobody was going to stop me.

    I've commented a lot in the threads about famous past lives and to me the biggest negative about having one is you're never in control of what you want to do with your life. You may think you are, but you're not really. You are when no one is watching and no one cares. That's not a bad thing exactly. it just means that it's up to you to find your own meaning and purpose in life and as I'm doing that, I'm more or less having to be my own parent and again, that's not a bad thing. It's just one skill to learn on the way to becoming a whole and complete individual.

    So it's a big step for me. I'm going to give the meds a week or two and see if there's any change and if I think it's worth it. Right now, I feel a little amped up, I don't think it's any different than the coffee I've been drinking, but I am finding it's easier to shift focus from one thing to the next.
     
    Li. La. likes this.
  18. fireflydancing

    fireflydancing just a fly in the sky Staff Member Super Moderator

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    Hi Totoro,
    I understand your situation, I am an ADD-expert myself, lol. I've been on medication for a couple of years (I was in my 40's as well). During the medication time, you can learn to change your patterns. You can PM me if you ever want some advice or just comments because I've walked the same path before.
     

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