Of relatives and executioners

Discussion in 'Past Life Memories' started by AlexD, Feb 21, 2017.

  1. AlexD

    AlexD aka Shadow

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    In this life, I've never felt at home. The feeling of longing for another place has haunted me since before knowing about reincarnation, I've never even felt the current one was my real family. When I approached the concept of past lives I was fifteen and, as soon as I could, I began to meditate on my own to reconstruct my shattered person. It's been quite some time, but my work is still only at the beginning.
    By now I am sure I've had countless lives: the oldest one I can remember is so ancient that I can't even locate it anywhere in the human timeline. In my current life, I've always had the certainty that I was tortured and brutally executed in one or more recent past lives, but for a long time I wasn't able to remember when, where and how it happened. I had fragments of memories, but they weren't enough to find such answers.

    When I listened to songs in Romanian, almost a year ago, the language sounded strangely familiar to me. I decided to look deeper into the Romanian landscape and history, and I started to recognize places. The thought of having lived in Transylvania for a long time became a certainty for me. I clearly remember Brașov, I lived my previous life there, but I died young: I think I was killed in 1989, and I was hardly older than 19 or 20. I remember I was kept in a dark place, there was a single lightbulb hanging from the ceiling of the small room I was kept in, and I was sitting, bleeding profusely and agonizing. There were a few men standing in front of me, one of them gave me the final headshot: the bullet pierced my head entering from a point slightly above my right eye and it came out from another point in the lower part of the back of my head. I know this because I've suffered from recurring headaches that would start with a sharp pain at the point where the bullet entered the skull... then they stopped when I did EMDR and focused on the trauma of my own death.
    Regardless of the brutality of my death, I feel wonderful when I look at pictures of my old hometown. I feel like, hardship aside, there could be so many pleasant memories associated with it, that I regret that my mind is still blocked at those final moments. I am sure, though, that I had lived other lives in Transylvania before.

    Here comes the complicate part. About a year ago, I was meditating to recollect more details of my past. When my mind came into focus, I had a vision: I saw a man over me, one so angry and hateful that he barely looked human at all. I quickly identified him as my own murderer, judging from my deep feelings and from the hatred in his eyes. Not too long after that I had another vision, this time while I was in a regular state of mind: I saw my current mother's face warping and changing into the face of my murderer. I considered the possibility that she could be the actual reincarnation of that person, but put it aside waiting to get further proof later on.
    My aunt -my mother's sister- also remembers some of her past lives: like me, she was a Transylvanian, a man named Iosif, a non-violent anticommunist who was executed in the late 50's. Considering that we've both been very close to each other, differently from the rest of our so-called family, she believes I am the reincarnation of his nephew, Alexandru, who was imprisoned in the same penitentiary and executed the same day. I told her that it is not entirely impossible, given that I am familiar with the places he lived in and that I had all the time to reincarnate and live my next life from the 60's-70's to 1989. But I can't remember almost anything about that lifetime.
    One of these nights, my aunt dreamt of my “mother”, dressed as a convict -it probably wasn't an actual memory but rather a reference to the penitentiary we were locked in- and holding a candle in her hand. She said she came close to her, chuckling, and repeating “I did it all!”, with a hint of satisfaction in her voice. These days, my aunt worked to get in a deep meditative state and get more detailed visions, and eventually the visions came. More precisely, aside from the underground tunnels of the penitentiary, she had the exact same vision that I had about a year ago: that same man above her (or rather, him), pushing against him and looking at him with the same expression of anger and hatred. She described him to me, and the description fitted perfectly: I am sure he was the same man that I saw in my own vision.
    Now, this brings about some serious consequences. First of all, my aunt and I were really kept in the same penitentiary at the same time: this increases the chances that I was really Alexandru, his nephew, back then. But I am not confirming this until I can remember it myself. Secondly, we both have the strong feeling that the man who butchered us reincarnated as her sister... my mother. At this time, I am really starting to think that our hypothesis could be real.

    What I still don't understand is why this happened. Why would my aunt reincarnate so close to her own murderer, and why would I join her afterwards? What are we supposed to do... forgive? It all feels absurd to me. The hate of that person was so tangible that it remained embedded in our brains long after our physical deaths. It almost seems like there is some divine irony at work here, or maybe some divine plan which I completely fail to understand. I just know I needed to share this, because it is disturbing me too deeply.
     
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  2. fireflydancing

    fireflydancing just a fly in the sky Staff Member Super Moderator

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    Hi AlexD,
    Thank you for sharing your story.
    Your main question is about the core of reincarnation concept.
    Reincarnation is about love, experiences and also forgiveness.
    I am not an expert, but I can tell you that I've heard and read several stories about victims and perpetrators coming back together in this life as family members.
    It goes even deeper when you take the so called soul contracts into consideration. Then it becomes really weird.
    A soul contract is about the things you both agree on in the life to come between two souls. Sometimes souls agree to act out being enemies, victims and so on. The only way to understand fully such a concept is to live it, a rational approach will not help to clear out the dynamics.

    I have only one question about your story, about your mom. Don't you have a problem with your timeline? If you were shot in 1989, how does this match with your current mother's timeline?
    But there is also the possibility that you were murdered several times in the past. Some people seem to repeat a certain pattern over and over again.

    I guess so.
    Forgiveness is not the same as approval of a crime. Forgiveness is about acceptance of what happened and about removing the poisonous angle out of a situation/memory. It's about neutralizing the triggers, so you can look back without experiencing emotional distress. When you reach this point, this situation will never repeat itself again.
    Forgiveness is a service to yourself, to your own soul. It is not about comforting somebody else's soul.
     
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  3. AlexD

    AlexD aka Shadow

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    Hi fireflydancing, thank you very much for your reply.

    First of all, I want to clarify the timeline. In my post I wrote about two different lifetimes, both took place in Transylvania but in different time/space coordinates.
    The most recent one took place in Brașov, in a lapse of time taking from late 60's- early 70's to 1989, the time of the Revolution. In this occasion I was tortured and shot to death by people I couldn't identify so far. All I know is that I was young, and I was accused of being involved in antigovernment or terrorist activities, I'm not entirely sure. I believe that I didn't kill anyone in that life, though.
    The other one, assuming that I was really Alexandru, took place in the district of Cluj (1923-1958). I was imprisoned with my uncle, my wife and our whole group, tortured for several months, then executed. It's the life in which my aunt and I met, because she reincarnated later on in 1966... so we stayed separated as I was in Brașov. In that life we met our torturer and executioner... given that my mother reincarnated in 1962, there is a chance that our executioner died in the period between 1958 and 1962 and reincarnated as her.
    As you said, I do seem to repeat the same patterns over and over again. Specifically, I went against the regime twice and was executed in similar ways. I could have chosen to leave Romania after dying in 1958, but I didn't want to. Even now I miss it too much... but at least it's a democracy now and I have no problem coming back there.

    I didn't know it was quite common for victims and murderers to become family members as they reincarnate. It just seems absurd to prolong the pain like this... some people never seem to stop tormenting us even after being reborn in a different body.
    My mind is still blocked when it comes to processing my death(s) and letting go of the distress. What you wrote about forgiveness is very clear and I agree, mostly. But sometimes I only feel overwhelmed by a profound desire for vengeance, a vengeance I don't want to put into practice when I think of it and use my reason. Regardless of the fact that I sense that my mother remembers about what she did, too.
     
    Last edited: Feb 15, 2018
  4. fireflydancing

    fireflydancing just a fly in the sky Staff Member Super Moderator

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    This is all very interesting, and I hope to learn from you as well. I notice how carefully you choose your words to describe the events and the outcome.
    I can see the picture of the timelines now in my head. This means you were the last one to reincarnate, you followed the rest so to speak.

    You didn't mention your actual relationship with your mother. Do you have a good relation or quite the opposite? It is not obvious to have a bad relationship with a former murderer. One of my friends knows she was once murdered by the man who is her brother in this life, but she doesn't mind. She loves him anyway and they are good friends.
     
  5. fireflydancing

    fireflydancing just a fly in the sky Staff Member Super Moderator

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    The point is: you have to stop it yourself.
    Don't ask me for a guide or a set of rules, because you have to do it in your unique way.
    Sometimes it's enough to block somebody out, or to forgive, or both...
    I am a learner myself at the moment. So I am very interested in the stories of people who deal with the same issues.

    In the case of torture and repeating this pattern: a dear friend (F) has the same history. He is far from forgiveness at this moment.
    So I hope that once I understand more of these dynamics, I will be able to help him to deal with his past patterns.
     
  6. AlexD

    AlexD aka Shadow

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    I don't have a good relationship with my parents. My mother is a narcissist and she ruined my childhood with emotional abuse. I loved her when I was very young, but now I feel nothing for her. I find it hard to even kiss her or talk to her at all, all I feel is emptiness and a mute rage that occasionally emerges. I don't know if she loves me or not, I feel she doesn't really care about me. She knows that I'm going to Romania soon but she doesn't even bother asking what I plan to do. Sometimes I think I could run away anytime and she wouldn't even care, she'd probably pretend to be angry or worried, then enjoy my absence.
     
  7. fireflydancing

    fireflydancing just a fly in the sky Staff Member Super Moderator

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    I am really sorry to hear that about your mother.
    Do you still live under the same roof with her?
     
  8. AlexD

    AlexD aka Shadow

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    Yes, I live with my parents right now. My aunt lives with her own parents in the apartment on the upper floor. I am planning to leave once I'm done with the University, hoping that I manage to finish my studies in summer... I want to move to another town because I feel like a stranger here. In the meantime I'm returning to Brașov soon to bring back some good memories, and maybe to heal my psyche too. I feel I am so bound to Transylvania that I must return there to heal my soul, if not permanently, at least to get a brief respite.
     
  9. fireflydancing

    fireflydancing just a fly in the sky Staff Member Super Moderator

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    So that's interesting: all people involved under the same roof, even your aunt. Who are the other people in the house? It seems you all have gathered for a big spiritual reunion somehow. (I am not going deeper into this, but I suddenly feel a lot of dynamics over there)

    If you ever decide to start forgiveness, it should start right there in the center of the gathering.

    But it's all up to you, there are no rules. You are also free to walk away.

    When narcissism is involved there seem to be no cure. but I guess you are more of an expert on narcissism than I am.

    I think it will be very interesting for you to visit Romania. and I am looking forward to reading about your adventures by the time.
     
  10. AlexD

    AlexD aka Shadow

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    We are six, my parents, my aunt, my grandparents and myself. Yeah, as I wrote before, it almost seems like God is making fun of us, or has a special plan in the purification of our souls.
    My aunt and I have a strong bond and we talk about anything, but with my mother it's a completely different thing. In more than one occasion she's given me the strong sensation that she remembers her past life, just like my aunt and myself. I'm afraid she doesn't even remotely regret what she did. Part of me would like her to confess, but she is certainly too much afraid to do so. But if she did, at least we could face this situation instead of playing this comedy of the absurd all the time. I am not sure if I'd choose to forgive her or to make her suffer, but something tells me that if I chose the latter, I wouldn't be able to break my chains and clean my soul. I don't know if this thought is due to experiences from other past lives or if it's due to my religious beliefs. At times I think that my bloody deaths were sacrifices that I made to redeem my soul, and sinking down to the level of my executioner would render such holocausts vain... even though I'm still free to choose in the end.
     
  11. fireflydancing

    fireflydancing just a fly in the sky Staff Member Super Moderator

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    You use the word 'confess', but can we really charge people in this life for what we did in a former life? I find this question complicated.
    Like I told in one of my own stories, a former (angry) daughter showed up accusing me and my husband of abusing her, which didn't make any sense. It certainly could have happened in the past, but for this moment I can only feel very sorry for her, but there is no 'confession' to be made.
    Would it make any difference to you if your mother did have memories, and 'confessed'?
    Well, showing remorse would really be something, but also unrealistic if your mother is not familiar with the idea of reincarnation at all.
     
  12. AlexD

    AlexD aka Shadow

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    She says that she doesn't believe in reincarnation, but many times she gave contradictory signals that made me think otherwise, or at least think that she could remember something, if not all. But yes, it's true that at the moment it is all just a suspect of mine, and I can't rely on a mere sensation to accuse anyone.
    I understand that you've been accused of something you cannot remember, and I can imagine that it was awful, especially if you had all the good intentions to meet her again and start a constructive relationship. But my point of view is different, being the victim of a murder such as that. If she really had memories and told us the truth, we'd have the ultimate proof that we are right, and we'd probably know if she feels any remorse or not. I would really like to know if she regrets having killed us. I have suffered a lot in this life as well, I've been tormented with flashbacks of my death for months and it's been consuming. This said, the work of healing and rehabilitating myself is up to me. But the awareness that she is guilty of my murder disturbs my emotions deeply, and there is also the fact that I constantly question her feelings towards me in this life. Living under the same roof, we are tangled by bonds that we create and sever every day. It's different from a past life relative popping out of nowhere, in this case we are all bound together and there has to be a reason for this. I don't want to make her suffer, as I said. I am not even really angry at her, though I feel that part of me detests her, I am numbed. But we may need a more open dialogue to be able to bring this to closure, even though I am not sure how we can even talk about such a thing. Perhaps it's not the right time yet.
     
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  13. bransdojo

    bransdojo Active Member

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    Hello AlexD,

    I can't help notice the shocking similarities from this story into my own journey of growth. I to was tortured and beaten. I was a gladiator/slave in Rome and was forced to kill for sport and was beaten tremendously because of it. My life in there was a joke, all I felt was pain and misery and hated myself for being forced to kill. When I had my regression I saw the blood and myself and how dirty I was. The person who was my slaveholder and who repeatedly whipped and beat me was my current day mother.
    My mother and I always had a decent relationship, but there was something off. Through my current life, my mother sheltered and oppressed me from seeing the world. She was so overbearing and protective, I felt like I couldn't breathe. I shared this story with my brother and being the loudmouth he is, he shared this story with my mother.
    My mother fell apart for a week and was crying and had flashbacks of what she did, and wasn't proud of it.
    She healed since then, I havent had hard feelings against her, but it is hard knowing what happened.
    What I learned from this, is sometimes its not our lessons but the people around us that are learning too. My mother choose me to reincarnate with because she wanted to repent for her actions and make it right. She did, I had a great life and childhood except for the overprotection and overbearing, but that was her doing what she felt was right and how much she was sorry.

    Your story speaks home to me, it isn't fair how you were killed and you didn't deserve that. Bullet through the head, I cant even fathom. But it could be that the reason shes your mother is to try and repent for what she has done and make it right. Im sure her soul knows her past mistakes, we all have them.
    Do what you feel is right. We never deserve the agony and pain we are given, but all we can do is push forward and sometimes accept.
    Visiting Romania may be an amazing opportunity for spiritual growth and enlightenment. (Odd because I'm currently living with a Romanian who is telling me to visit there with him in the future)
    Dont make your mother suffer, it will only hinder your growth, whenever possible always take the high road, even if others choose not to. At least you can sleep at night and look in the mirror and realize your doing the right thing. Vengeance breeds only pain and hurt.

    I have a feeling somehow the universe will conspire to make that story known to your mother when the time is right in someway, its not always when your ready but when she is too.
     
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  14. Crescent1

    Crescent1 Member

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    This is a very interesting account, AlexD. Thank you for sharing. I think it's worth pointing out that everyone's journey with reincarnation is unique. Many people reincarnate with souls with whom they've experienced past-life violence. You are the best judge of your emotional reaction to finding out this information, and you should trust your intuitions and unpack your feelings. You are living with your mother now for a reason, but I think you already know that you can't force her hand. Since the only thing you can control is your own experience, I'd try to focus on that. One thing that might be helpful is if you meditate or get a regression to the time between your life as a young murder victim (or possibly also the earlier Romanian life) and your current life. This is often perceived as a time when souls plan major life events and make agreements with other souls. Your mother may be closed off to you now, but given your suspected past connections, I wouldn't be surprised if you've had extensive contact between lives. Tapping into the wisdom of your own higher self's perspective can be very liberating and it can bring a lot of peace when emotions seem overwhelming.

    Just for folks who may be reading this thread and wondering about past-life violence spilling over into current life relationships, it's worth noting that this isn't necessarily the case for everyone. For example, I have a very close and untroubled relationship with my own mother in this life. We've incarnated together many many times before, and I usually don't have difficulty identifying her under hypnosis (ironically, she's often my hypnotist since she got certified and that's led to some entertaining sessions!) In particular, I recall one lifetime in which I killed her in battle--didn't know her, didn't hate her personally, we just happened to meet up on the battlefield and I "won." I started laughing during the regression when I recognized her (much to my mother's dismay) and told her that she owed me one for that. Apparently, she was ready to exit that lifetime and since our souls had a longstanding connection, I offered to do the deed and send her on her way. It was gory and violent from my perspective now, but in reality there were no hard feelings and nothing carried over to subsequent lives together.

    All of this is to say, if you feel there's something yet to be worked out between you and your mother, then I'd trust that intuition. And I'm sure that it will be worked out eventually, in this life, in another, or sometime in between when we have access to a much greater perspective. But souls can also behave in ways that aren't constrained by what we would consider normal morality. I'm morally opposed to warfare now, but I killed my current mom of all people in a past battle essentially as a favor. If I'd stumbled upon that memory at another time, I'm sure it would have disturbed me. Fortunately, I was coming at the memory from a place of remove with access to the insight of my higher self. That let me see it more for the "transaction" it was. I hope you can make your peace with your memories too, and take from them whatever wisdom led you to discover them at this time. Good luck!
     
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  15. AlexD

    AlexD aka Shadow

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    It sounds like a good idea to try "regressing" to the point I was discarnated... it might actually help shed some light on the situation and the reasons that brought me here. Especially since I think I didn't even want to leave Romania -as I said, I had been there for a very long time-, I probably ended up where I am to follow my aunt, or to settle things with my mother somehow. If it wasn't for them, I would have stayed in Transylvania for yet another lifetime.

    Yeah, true, I suppose we all have different experiences as regards murder/victims relationships between lives. In my particular case though, I had to do with a madman. My aunt described him as a psychopatic soviet who was specifically in charge of 'dealing with us'. There were some members of the Securitate in her vision (she saw Gheorghe Sicigan out of the corner of her eye), but we weren't able to find one single picture of that person standing in front of her anywhere... hence the impression that he could have been sent directly from the Russians. However, he was far from our concept of "normality", so I wonder how long it could take for a soul like that to learn and, in a sense, to heal. Consider that my mother is still a narcissist and, even though she's never wanted to accept seeing a therapist, she's got many mental issues. In a few occasions she's looked at me as if she wanted to kill me -again. One night my granny (who, as I wrote before, lives in the apartment upstairs) called me to ask if I was ok, because she had seen my mother so enraged that she feared for my life. I know she wouldn't do it, because she is aware of the legal and social consequences of such a crime, but she betrayed herself with her ways. Time stood still with us, and it's been sixty years since I was in that penitentiary.

    I honestly doubt we'll be able to settle this in this life. However, I believe there is a reason why I ended up here, in a place in which I feel like a stranger, and so close to her. My aunt would like to show her pictures of the tortures that the Securitate did in those years, and pictures of our former selves, to watch her reactions. I told her that I don't think it's a good idea. In my opinion, she is already pretty much awake.
     
  16. AlexD

    AlexD aka Shadow

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    Jim, how could we not be negative after we lost all because of them? My wife... my daughter... I lost everything. And yet she went on and did anything she could to ruin our lives again. How can we justify all this? Murder is murder, torture is torture... to persist in is of the Devil. We can forgive, but this won't change her, never. She will inevitably make countless other people suffer, torture them again and possibly murder them if given the chance.
     
  17. Jim78

    Jim78 Senior Registered

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    I read a topic on here I think that was about the things children say. Some of it I found spine chilling because it was the kind of stuff sociopaths and psychopaths do.
     
  18. AlexD

    AlexD aka Shadow

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    May God have mercy of my soul, for all I want is to be free from her influence and close this chapter of my existence once and for all.
     
  19. Jim78

    Jim78 Senior Registered

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    I understand Alex. I dunno why I had to have a sociopathic mother. All I know is that if I hadn't had one I wouldn't have the life's journey I've had. I've learned so much. I only hope that's the purpose to it all.
     
  20. AlexD

    AlexD aka Shadow

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    I want to save my friend, this is the main reason why I'm here, at least I suppose so. We go way back, we've known each other long before our days on the Vladeasa. I still don't know how we'll make it, but I've been doing my best and I plan on continuing doing so.

    Also, it might be off topic, but intoxicating yourself won't solve much. I know it sounds obvious and you've probably heard it from many. My so-called father is alcoholic and, believe me, it really does f**k your brain up after some time. So, please, you have to quit. I hope that confronting your experiences on this forum can be of help to you, as it has been of help to me so far.
     

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