"Plagued by Grief"

Discussion in 'Past Life Memories' started by 1A3S4H8, May 15, 2017.

  1. 1A3S4H8

    1A3S4H8 New Member

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    Greetings to all here who happen to read this! I'm new to this forum. And actually to forums in general. But this place sounded like a good place to be open to others about what I believe to be past life experiences and connections which I have struggled with for nearly two years now.

    If you had asked me if I believed in such things two years ago, I would have told you I had never given it much thought but would be open to the idea. I have never been and never will be someone to judge others on their beliefs. Then, after my grandmother passed away on Halloween two years ago, everything began to change. I am not sure if the grief of losing her unlocked these past life dreams and connections, but I am starting to believe it might have.

    I am an artist. And that is important to know about me. I am not professional, but I have been drawing and writing stories my entire life. I even now have an Instagram account that I enjoy sharing my stories on (and even my icon is one of the pictures I have drawn). This is important because it was soon after my grandmother's death that I started making a medieval arc to my stories. I was oddly interested in the Black Death. But I thought nothing of it. However, one night I had a dream.

    The dream was a first person view. And everything was incredibly real. (At this point in time I had not done any formal research on this time period or the plague at all) I had two dreams in a matter of about a week or so between.
    The first I remember running up a small piece of land that was at a slight incline, like a small uphill field. I say small because it was cut off by trees. I was in a long baby blue woolen dress of sorts. And there was snow. A thin layer of snow. I felt so happy and remember scooping some up in both of my hands, accidentally picking up some blades of dead grass along with it. It was so cold and I could feel the way it crunched in my palms. I smiled up to the overcast sky, but was soon pelted with a snowball from my left side. There was a boy my age laughing at me, as he had thrown it. I would venture to say we must have been in our late teen years. He was wearing a seemingly bland colorless tunic, also woolen, with a belt which seemed to be cloth around his waist, tights and a little cloth hat which came down over his ears. Just like one would think a peasant to appear. As for his shoes, I could not see them in the snow. He had blonde hair that curled around his neck and a bit around his forehead from underneath the cap. And I knew that I had such loving feelings for him. They were warm and tender. As if he were my best friend. I do not know if we were siblings or lovers, I simply know how I felt and that it was beautiful. But then, he spoke and that's what caught me in this dream. I then realized that this dream was no ordinary dream. For when he spoke, it was nothing like I had ever heard. I want to say it was English, but it sounded so so different from that of which we speak today, that my modern mind was having difficulty processing it. It almost sounded like another language. But in this dream, even though I couldn't understand him, my soul knew that he was mocking me playfully. And also that I was not in control of my actions like I usually am in dreams. Because before I could come back at his sassiness, we were called inside by an elder woman, who I believe now to be my mother. And we ran back inside where I was immediately smothered in a blanket by her, in this one room cob walled thatched roof house. She also spoke this unusual old language and was scolding the boy. In today's language I would say that she was saying something along the lines of "now I sent you out there to get her and you just play around. You both should know better than to be out there. You'll get sick". He and I smiled at each other as she rambled on and that is where that dream ended.

    The second was but a flash of a scene. This time, I had on a pretty colorless cloak for the winter cold, but also that same blue dress underneath. It was just my mother and myself. We had gone into the city. She was carting some bags and baskets and I had a few as well, but made sure to hold on to her clothes as not to get separated. Lots of people seemed to be wearing outer cloaks as well. There were so many people. Most were in a hurry and some bumped into me. There were some people on the street yelling out to advertise what they were selling. I remember a large cream colored horse and wagon passing very closely to my left. But I mainly remember the mud. The mud of the streets was ridiculously wet and thick. And I was hoping not to lose my shoes as we walked. That was the end of that dream.

    By this point I was so intrigued that I began to dig into research. I read several books on this time period. Mainly the 14th century. I was getting comfirmation from that and from several friends of mine who live in England on things such as weather. For example, how it usually rains but hardly snows, which may have been why in my first dream I was so thrilled about the snow. I had also realized that within my medieval art which had been created prior to the dreams, I had given every female character a light blue dress and blonde hair subconsciously. But I still did not understand why I kept returning to the Black Death and why I had made such a tragedy the main focus of the story I was writing. Until several weeks later.

    I was at the store one day and was feeling kinda off. The whole past life thing was new and was taking its toll on me. I wanted to know more and those which I discussed it with were having trouble relating to me and helping me. For some reason as I stood looking at items, I had a quick vision. I was in that one roomed small house. I was on the bed, on the far left wall. I was on my back and I was crying. I felt as if though I was too weak to even move. My face was wet. Probably from tears, but as for around my mouth? Quite possibly with blood. I was alone. I knew it was the end. Both my mom and the boy I knew were gone. And there were questions that flooded and pained my mind: why? Why did this have to happen? After that there was nothing but a fade of the memory into a warm darkness.
    And that killed me. I had never felt such a suffocating grief as that. I had to leave the store and go home quickly. And when I did get home, I shut myself in my room and I sobbed. Probably the hardest I have ever cried in my life. It was an unexplainable grief. And to this day it still is. For the longest time I struggled trying to find out a reason for the grief. I believe it was because of what happened and the fact that it happened so quickly, and that I never got to say goodbye officially to those that I loved.


    I continue to get episodes of unbearable sadness. Even talking or thinking about it chokes me up. Sometimes letting out the grief and crying helps. But each time is just as bad as the last. And friends which I talk to about it, a few say that I frustrate them because they don't know how to help me. I don't know how to help me either. I simply wished for them to listen. So I found this forum, in hopes that someone would be able to understand what I'm feeling.


    For now, I shall leave this with those memories. This is just the tip of the iceberg. The very first clues I had. The connections through what my subconscious mind has told me through my art and the reflection back on my life when I was younger are even more powerful and astonishing to me. They helped solidify this for me. And I shall tell them soon.


    My thanks goes to all who read this and who may continue to read what I have to share in future posts.
     
    Last edited: May 15, 2017
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  2. KenJ

    KenJ Moderator Staff Member Super Moderator

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    Good luck in your quest, it can be interesting, time consuming, and rewarding. However, it could also have some negative aspects that you might need to take control of as it might dominate. Just remember which life you are living and which one "visiting".
     
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  3. Mere Dreamer

    Mere Dreamer Moderator Staff Member Super Moderator

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    Some of us have found that it is possible to go back as our mature selves now (living again and having a much better life this time around) to embrace that past self in all the misery and grief with a promise that this wasn't the end and there is a future to invest in, still. Somehow personally choosing to create love and to consciously integrate any specific lessons learned from the painful life seem to add up to healing much of the time.

    This isn't something others can do for you, because you are taking your own pain and allowing it to transform into a powerful motivator for personal growth or an opportunity to reinforce your own ability to create/choose self-compassion ... and in retrospect fill the gap left by the care you didn't receive from others back then.

    You can make a little ceremony for yourself, too, if you want. And formally memorialize that life like you would for a family member who is gone.

    It's always amazing how these memories can affect us. Thank you for sharing your story.
     
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  4. 1A3S4H8

    1A3S4H8 New Member

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    Thank you ever so much for the wishes of luck! It was interesting at first. And still is! I'm slowly trying to learn to heal the grief I feel. It astounds me so much that things like these continue on into new lives and can still hold the same emotions. I'll keep your advice in mind. I'm excited to share some other stuff as well. I have a lot to say. I try to make it as short and painless as possible! But it means so much to me to be able to speak of it here and receive helpful replies. I'm just happy to have others hear me out! Thank you again!
     
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  5. 1A3S4H8

    1A3S4H8 New Member

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    Thank you so so much for reading! This reply from you means more than a ton! I'm very greatful for this opportunity; that this forum exists. Dealing with this is something I never imagined I would face. Slowly but surely I'm trying to heal myself. But I also find it amazing. I see the whole world completely different now. Things that I used to make a big deal are nothing now. I feel different. Death does not frighten me. As much grief came with the memories, it doesn't even compare to the amount of peace that was brought to me. As of a massive weight was lifted off of me and everything now in my life made sense. I want to make the grief and regret blossom into something great for this life. Do I miss loved ones from then? Absolutely. However, I have hope that it will not be the last time we meet. And in that I feel at peace.
    I have never thought about memorializing that life. That's an idea that I'll certainly take into consideration. I have created vent art about it. Where I wrote within the silhouettes of my mother, the boy and myself how I felt and what I wished I could say to them now. It did help some to my surprise.
    Thank you so much again for reading this! It's so very lovely to have such wonderful words and advice!
     
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  6. Cryscat

    Cryscat Senior Member

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    The Late Middle ages in England, 14th century , there was the Peasants' Revolt (1381), the Black Death (1348-49 and 1361–62) , The Hundred Years War (1337 to 1453) and the Second War of Scottish Independence (1332–1357). Middle English was the language being spoken.

    Your past life death could have been from any one of those events, though you did say you were drawn to the Black Death.
     
  7. tanguerra

    tanguerra Administrator

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    Hi 1A3S4H8

    Welcome to the forum.

    You are in the right place to talk about these things. Often friends wont understand. But we do. This kind of thing is far more common than most people think, partly because it's hard to talk about without being told it's your imagination.

    Your experiences sound like very classic past life memories - the clarity of detail, the 'ordinariness' yet, significance of those moments. No doubt there is plenty more to be discovered.

    I am sorry to hear of the death of your grandmother. I wonder if perhaps the grief of that event triggered your memories of the grief of this life? That is often how it works. Something in the present life will touch a chord, which will spark a memory, which comes sometimes unexpectedly.

    That is a very wise insight you have gained here.
     
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  8. Looking Backwards

    Looking Backwards Senior Registered

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    English was very different in Shakespeare's day (though technically modern English - "Early Modern English"), let alone the late Middle Ages when this seems to take place. Would you say it sounded almost like a mixture of German and French? Because that's essentially what Middle English was.

    You, your mother and who I assume was your brother could have died of the Black Death - that seems likely. However, it affected so many people that it may simply have struck a chord at the time, and your family died for other reasons. Very sad that you lost them first, as they were clearly dear to you. :(

    ETA: I tried to find a Middle English translator, but I failed. However, I did find some words from various sources. (Mostly etymonline.com.)

    I: I, ich or me..

    You: Sometimes Ye.

    Her: Could have been hires or hern.

    c. 1300, hires, from her.... In Old English and early Middle English, they were identical. To keep speech fluid, speakers began to affix an -n to the end of predicative my and thy before words that began with vowels. This began late 13c. in the north of England, and by 1500 was standard.

    Then the predicative and attributive pronouns split, and the remaining pronouns in that class took up -s, the regular affix of possession. But the non-standard speech of the Midlands and south of England extended -n throughout (hisn, hern, yourn), a habit attested from 14c. and more regular than the standard speech, which mixes -s and -n.



    Sick: Sek or sik, but it had a slightly different context, it seems. Ill might be closer.

    Some other words you may have heard or read (although most people didn't read) in the memory...

    Mother: Moder.

    Plight: Brike.

    Bretons: Britouns.

    Snowball: Snoweball, snoweballe, snaweballe, snayballe.

    Duck: Duk or doke.

    Jesus: Jesu/Iesu (Not trying to press religion on you! Just including it given the culture of the time.) Jesu was possibly pronounced the French way.

    Horse: Sometimes horsen.

    Travel: Travailen. Also moven.

    Mud/dirt: Drit, Drytt. (Could also mean dung.)

    Girl: Gyrle, meaning child of either gender, but usually female.

    Part of a robe or gown: Trail.



    So going back to the beginning, what you heard your mother saying might have been something like:

    "Ich sent ye to get hern and ye play... ye could both get sek." (or "ye could both get ill.")


    Also keep in mind that Middle/Modern English aside, words have changed in meaning. So you might be hearing English words in a completely different context than what you are used to. Not to mention accents and regional dialect.
     
    Last edited: Jun 17, 2017
  9. Cryscat

    Cryscat Senior Member

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    Before I could get my English degree, one thing I had to do was recite the first 8 lines of "The Canterbury Tales" in middle english. I had to read it in middle english too. That was a real struggle. Chaucer wrote in the midlands dialect of middle english, which was kind of even mixture between the Anglo-Saxon and Norman French. North of that was more heavy toward the germanic.

    Basic history of English- Old English (Anglo-Saxon) is like Old German. When the Danes invaded during that time of Alfred the Great, some Danish did settle in England. That lead to some comprehension problems with Old English speaking farmers and Danish Speaking farmers. The two related languages were about 90% the same. The differences lead to a simplification of Old English as it merged with Old Danish. Keep in mind these are both Germanic languages. The real change came after 1066, when this version of Old English merges with Norman French, and now there was Middle English, and this is the English of Chaucer. Around the time of Queen Elizabeth I, there happened an event known as "The Great Vowel Shift." Everyone started pronouncing the vowels differently and spelling also changed. This is now Early Modern English, which is what Shakespeare spoke and wrote in. Modern English speakers really have no trouble understanding Shakespeare. What changes constantly is the slang, accents, regional dialects.. etc.
     
    Last edited: Jun 17, 2017
  10. fireflydancing

    fireflydancing Registered

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    1A3S4H8,

    Hi, I've read your story with interest and sympathy. It was almost as if I could see all the scenes you described.

    I know how it feels not to get rid of some past life emotions. Mine are not grief, but rage and anger about the death of my former husband. And grief as well I guess.
    One day I tried something new. I had the feeling I was sitting in a room in the past, being the angry widow. I tried to merge with her, and than I tried to make 'poems' about all the feelings that emerged. Tried hard to find the words to describe my feelings. That was really a healing process in the end.
    I even wrote down concepts/words that I wouldn't use in this modern life. It helped. I relived a lot of anger but also lost a lot of the same rage due to the trans formative process.
     
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  11. 1A3S4H8

    1A3S4H8 New Member

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    For all of you who I just up and left hanging here, I apologize. I met someone since who has been quite a lot of help to me.

    But all I came to say is...at long last I have made the connections of my memories. I understand I have not even told a percentage of what I know here. But I know exactly who I was now. After several days worth of anxiety attacks upon realizing who I was, I am finally a bit more content with it all. As much as I would love to say who and speak of it here, there may be too much speculation. I probably make it more of a huge deal than it actually is, because to me it's a big deal. Everything makes sense. Everything connects. I cannot find one memory or link that denies it. Including my own emotions. I may or may not tell. It all depends. It's a burden and a blessing.

    P.S. You can tell I'm really torn about talking of it. There has already been so much judgement in that life and this one that I cannot help but to be cautious. But thank you to anyone who comes by to read this. You made it to the end of my rambling for this post!
     
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  12. Barblynn

    Barblynn Registered

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    I relate to so much of what you shared, thank you. I'm also an artist, and started having vivid PL dreams about a year after 2 of my loved ones passed away, and a vision that appeared to me in the check out line at the grocery store. It was not a daydream, but a clear scene that was bright and very real. Hopefully you have found some meaning in your visions and dreams to help you put the puzzle together.
     
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  13. 1A3S4H8

    1A3S4H8 New Member

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    You know, I would enjoy talking to you sometime if you would like. I need more people to really relate to. And that goes to anyone who sees this. It's an open invitation to come and speak to me. If not I'll probably just come bother you anyway because I'm interested. The past couple months have been revolutionary for me. And I would love to go into further depth about it for those wishing to talk. I would also love to hear about other experiences.
    But seeing how as you and I have things in common already, I'm rather interested in you. Think on it and let me know! ❤️
     
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  14. Barblynn

    Barblynn Registered

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    Please feel free to share more of what you've discovered, but only if you want to. Its great to have this forum when such deep stuff needs to be expressed, and writing in a journal or creating art just contains the awe of it all. Even re-reading my own posts is bizarre. I know how intense my experiences were, and i love talking about them, but it sounds nuts. I'm grateful for this forum, and for the few people in my life who also are open minded.
     
  15. tanguerra

    tanguerra Administrator

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    If you have gone to a psychic who has convinced you that you were someone famous - beware. Just be a bit cautious. There are a lot of quacks out there who love to tell you all kinds of convincing stories to keep you coming back. Ninety-nine times out of a hundred, people were just someone very ordinary, not famous at all. Just sayin'. Without knowing exactly what you mean, it's hard to tell.
     
  16. Oldsoul65

    Oldsoul65 New Member

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    Hi.

    I have only just found this site and I believe in reincarnation for a number of reasons. Anyway, I just wanted to comment on what u said. I think that u should seek past life transgression, because u need to find peace ssnd I believe that is the only way for u to deal with this. Good luck.
     
  17. 1A3S4H8

    1A3S4H8 New Member

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    As it is, the one I have found is merely a friend of mine. She is just like the rest of us. Or most of the rest of us at least. She is no psychic by any means. I only bring her up simply because she is the only one who I may speak to about past life matters on a daily basis who understands it, for she has experience with a past life as well.
    Before anyone gets the wrong idea, I'm anything but famous. Not famous in the slightest; not in good light as history has it written anyway. Even if I were to mention who I was, the name would mean nothing to anyone. No one knows it. And honestly, I should be glad about that.
    I was skeptical others would think that I was attempting to claim a famous past life at some point. Hopefully I cleared that up!
     

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