spell question

Discussion in 'Reincarnation Questions' started by Jaimie, Feb 7, 2020.

  1. Jaimie

    Jaimie Senior Member

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    Hi,

    I am not for spells or anything like that. Found out in this life that in my past life someone I had been in a romantic affair with had after the break up gone into black magic for a while. Extracts from private journal where he writes he believes in it. That it will someday make her (past-life-me) return to him, if not in this life than in the after life.

    Could this be why I've always in this life felt a drawing, a strong connection to him ?

    Even if was not bad thing to do this spell I still don't think it is natural and right as free will should dominate and not try to manipulate. Should I do something to "break the spell" or just let it be ? I figure if soulmates we will meet again regardless, but maybe no good to have a spell, if it now worked, still active ? Then again I don't wish to go around creating spells either, so I am kinda lost if/what I should do about it...

    Anyone ?

    I appreciate you took the time to read this, thank you.

    /Jaimie
     
  2. Klaud

    Klaud Senior Member

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    Did he have your permission to do that? If he didn't, that's pretty controlling behavior imo. Do you want to be attached to him? Is it a healthy relationship that you're benefiting from?

    Personally, I think spells/magick only have as much power as we give them. i.e it works because you believe it does.

    If you want to cut him loose, maybe give this a shot https://foreverconscious.com/how-to-cut-etheric-cords-a-ritual-you-need-to-know
     
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  3. KenJ

    KenJ Assistant Archivist and Moderator Staff Member Super Moderator

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    IMHO, I believe that spells, voodoo, black magic, and related things are simply forms of hypnotic suggestion looking for people that are easily hypnotized. So easy to simply not to believe in them and avoid being spellbound.
    I see that Klaud beat me to bposting.
     
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  4. Jaimie

    Jaimie Senior Member

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    Hi Klaud, thank you for replying :)

    No, he did not have my permission or me knowing of it, I think, during that life.

    All I can remember is that we had a common friend, like a father figure, who asked if I could go and talk to him (some time after our break up) as he was concerned of him acting badly. He worked/own a restaurant we use to go to that continued to be one of the ex favorite places afterwards, so he could see the bad change in him. He hoped he would listen to me. I felt my heart sink. I said alright, I would try. The ex had also new friends, new crowd. One of them, a female, was believed to do black magic. I felt very foolish because all my "information" was from others. I had not really been active in my ex's life after we parted (or as he would put it that I left him). I did not know his new crowd, I did not know if it was real or not what the woman who was his new friend was into.

    I think he felt that the way things ended between us was not his fault, I had been manipulated/frighten to get out of his life. He did not think he deserved it. That he had treated me well. That we did not deserve it. He had one time dumped me, even if he pretended he had not meant it like that later on. He would later tell me "You gotta forgive me, you gotta come back". Perhaps this gave him the right to take over, doing the spell thing, from his point of view.

    I remember when talking to my ex, as I had promised our friend, I even brought up the woman doing the black magic, that I did not like that, that he should be careful.

    I would miss the ex for the rest of my life, he would not live so long. I would really miss him.

    I think our love was healthy, but because things went wrong we became unhealthy, I can't describe it right.

    The link you provided seem very good. I can so recognize the tummy pain, then typically seen as a stress symptom, that I had in that life in 2 relationships (that were destructive forces in my past life).

    Thank you so much :)

    /Jaimie
     
    Last edited: Feb 8, 2020
  5. Jaimie

    Jaimie Senior Member

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    Hi again, got 3 more question about this topic ... I did not write about it before because I don't like it when it to me can only be sensational or hearsay...still now I figure I take a chance.

    So anyway, in a life I remembered being part of show biz and getting to know a man also working within that field that I was for a period in a relationship with --- in his past, years before we met, some sources claim he was spiritually curious, but it also took the wrong turn as he at that point got into black magic, wanting success so very badly (at the time he was seen as a nobody, really struggling and he wanted to be the best, get real success).

    So then we have to speed forward a couple of years and this was after we had gone separate ways, when he would come looking afraid to a friend's home saying he was fed up and could not sleep the night at his own place because of the dark entity he felt, and saw, there and he feared it was the black magic he did from the past that was now after him, the friend he came to did not really act as if he believed in this himself but let him sleep the night there. He would also have nightmares about this entity and what it looked like and even named the entity something.

    This man I knew was not at all easily frighten, not that this came to surface, he had a "bad reflex" of answering back real quick and not taking, by his book, bullshit, and never wanting me to take bullshit either so he would jump to my defense before I had a chance to answer for myself, he could also get into physical fights with other guys from what I have read. He would also fight with his boss.

    I have the strangest "memories" (can't verify that they are actual memories) from that past life after he had died. I experienced waking up in the night and seeing him kneel down facing me, well her (in bed) as if he was a knight or something, it was rather dark. I was really startled by it.

    The other was me going into a church and a priest asked me about the guy I was with, he realized the man he saw at the entrance of the church (I was way into the church) did not enter the church and that this was a ghost that telepathically reached the head of the priest and told him to tell me to be careful, to watch out, as if I could be in danger and I think he wanted either the priest to tell me this or the priest to help me. When I looked back I saw nobody there. The priest explained what clothes the guy had on him and especially a jacket, a jacket that was bought for him during our relationship. I remember the priest looking at me saying "Are you in danger ?".

    There were other things that I suspect, don't remember, happening to make me suspect he was watching over me or, and that he was not where he was suppose to be (in heaven) for some reason.

    Could there be other forces to "blind" you, at least temporarily from reaching the upper realms when you have died if you played around with black magic ? Maybe if you believe you are bad that alone can "blind" you ?

    When I have read of his life it says that a pastor from his childhood made him believe he was bad when he was a child, which I think was really bad of the pastor to say.

    And last but not least, the last super-weird question, could things/entities/energies one has awoken during a past life follow you or your loved ones into the next reincarnation, find you that is ? My mind wants to tell me none of this matters, that one can find enough power by using religion against it, but to be fair I am so very limited when it comes to all of this, that I still thought I'd ask. In that past life I was very religious.

    I hope nobody minds.

    /Jaimie
     
    Last edited: Feb 9, 2020
  6. KenJ

    KenJ Assistant Archivist and Moderator Staff Member Super Moderator

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    Of all that you wrote, I can only respond to the last question - do you have to be religious to do anything, anything at all; I would say no, at least not a Formal religion, but each of us have our own thoughts about that.
     
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  7. Li-la

    Li-la Senior Member

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    Dear Jaimie!

    Gosh, he sounds troublesome and desperate to have done all of that. You write yourself before you have lived a happy life now. I don't think you have to worry about this. Do you think he is safe now, his spirit? I think things "over there" can be drawn to all kinds of things, people, but because you do not experience this yourself, you being haunted, have nightmare like he had of dark entity or anything else like through your own life now I think this means you are fine.

    The connection between you is strong, but it does not include the black magic, the connection is strong on it's own. My personal feeling is you 2 will heal from this dark past. Perhaps the dark entity helped him once and for all to stay away from black magic and that was a lesson for him to learn.

    If the other woman doing black magic against you all she should learn is that he would not let it happen as he kept protecting you after his own death. He even wanted the priest to protect you, I think. So you are safe. He too is safe, I think so, or he would not have been powerful enough to protect you back then.

    Best Wishes
    Li La
     
  8. Jaimie

    Jaimie Senior Member

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    Hi,

    I think I began to think of all this lately is because of what ever it now is that was going and may still be going on in our home (paranormal activity). It has not reached the level where we are frighten. I don't think it is something, someone out to hurt us or frighten us, but I still don't like it and am working on getting rid of it one way or another.

    Li La, I can't say if I think he is safe or not, his spirit I mean. There are times when I think he is and times when my old past life's worry mind takes over. I think it is the same feelings from the 1920's gal to the 1950's gal all together, both feeling in the way of her loved one's success and both witnessing him going from "good" to "bad" after she had left his side, hopefully only temporarily. (It is extra hard when I experienced something I hope not is a memory but only imagination when the 1950's "bad" guy finally exclaimed to her when she, after their break up, was at him to stop his self destructive behavior "... then why don't you stop me ?!".

    Perhaps it was a simple as this -- in a past life he was exposed, or used black magic, or voodoo and therefor it got to be natural and non frightening for him to use it or be around people using it again. Just like I have been for no reason highly drawn to pianos, goes sentimental each time remember old songs that no body claim to have heard, except one day my friend's dad, who was a musician, finally understood what song it was I meant. When he began to play it on the piano it was like an earthquake inside of me. I almost got tears in my eyes and had to stand there ( think I was 9) as if it didn't matter, and my friend did not understand why I was so boring to begin with as she wanted to play instead. I see a piano in my recent 3 past lives and it is still emotional, home to me.

    /Jaimie
     
    Last edited: Feb 10, 2020
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  9. Li-la

    Li-la Senior Member

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    Hi, it could be same thing or something or someone else spiritually in your home. I have had first encounter one entity to then realize it was a door open and in came someone or something else too. They can also pretend to be something or someone else so do not try to interact with it if you can avoid it.

    From your writing he did not take his own responsibility for himself, but he placed you as the villain of his story, the cause why he was bad. This was, is no good for you, make you perhaps feel guilty. Do you think this man from the 50's was the reincarnation of the man from the 20's or is it only the same emotions that haunts you?

    It could be he was drawn to Black Magic like you were drawn to piano(s), only except for the familiarity and unlike you, he have not been into it for a good cause and this is a big difference.

    You need to find way to get rid of your past life's guilt and free yourself. I think he was desperate, would try anything to get an emotional reaction, to get you back. Did he try to kiss you and so on after break up (the man from the 50's)? Was he a stalker?

    Best Wishes
    Li La
     
  10. Jaimie

    Jaimie Senior Member

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    Hi !

    We adult has not tried to interact with it. perhaps this is why it was and perhaps still is reaching out for our kid, but working on it.

    From what I have read what he did to me he did something similar to his other ex girlfriend, another woman he loved, I might have known about her, just a sense really, they had a longer relationship than we had, with ups and downs, break ups and reconciliations. Again it was as if I came in the way (without knowing it). She had dumped him. One of the problems I'd imagine why he had a troubled love life was because he was in a place of position where he either wanted to or could marry the girl he loved. I think he did love the other girlfriends in his life, not just me, and after I had left him he and his other ex girlfriend got back together for a while according to her, but it didn't last. I don't know why she had changed her mind wanting him back. For a while he dated another woman, a waitress (when I had no idea who I was and did my research I thought for a period if I was this waitress and he would do a stupid thing to her, let her sit and wait for him for hours at a cafeteria while he was fixing his car, saying it was amazing that she was still there when he returned. I just find that totally disrespectful. But he was testing her, I suppose), then he had a new girlfriend for a couple of months, cheated on her/left her for another woman whom he was with for a few months. Both these women would say he was so miserable most of the time, he would leave his girlfriend somewhere when they were out, forget she was even there and spend his time with other people. Disrespectful, again. In my memories of him when they were a couple he was not miserable and he had to I think wait a long time before well, intimacy, because she was shy, very shy in that department and wished to wait til wedding night. I think in the beginning it was more of a friendship taking shape even if it was love at first sight because of all the innocent things they did and all the talking they did. From what I can tell he was very careful with her. It was a tenderness there too that was great, that comes through, the way he behaved, almost as if she was his child, in the best sense, like the idea to protect someone this way. ( this came through to when he would see the psychiatrist from the records of it, the way i remember him thinking, acting like, his feelings for her. From these session he talks of her that she was the other half of him, his better half and this when they had long broken up, but that was how he still viewed her, or them ). But to be fair I think the other women that came after me had him in a period of his life when he began to suffer from depression which could explain the difference in his manner.

    No I don't think at all that he was stalking her. All I can remember is that they would meet very briefly from time to time after the break up but then I think it was mostly her doing -- she would go in a haste to see him and I don't think anyone knew they met, not like she would say that she was going to see him anyway to someone else. But I think it was to tell him about the pregnancy.

    She had been secretly pregnant with him upon the time things got very rocky between them and she had seen it as if he had dumped her with the problem and was then set to handle it alone, meanwhile I can tell he did not view it as if he had dumped her so he was a bit lost, he knew they were in a crises, but I could see that he tried to pull her in again, but he didn't know how - - he did not dare to pick a fight with her either, I could tell things were real fragile.

    She had gotten terribly hurt by what he had said when she felt he had dumped her and I think he said it out of frustration and because he wanted to set the rules for their secret wedding now that he thought she was pregnant and when she did not wish to do it that way he said it was off and that she was on her own then. To her that was dumping her. That the baby was her problem. But he also said he would re think their relationship for a while. Again as if he was in a superior situation. She did not dare to say too much. I think she was a little shocked. She was still polite and kind to him but she wasn't there anymore. Before he had said all that she had told him to please calm down as she could tell he was getting more and more upset with her. But it did not help. He said what he said. And she held him to it.

    Before all of that he had really showed he cared about her. So I think because he had put himself in a superior position and also hurt her that her walls came up, and they did not go down. I remember that it was very difficult for them all of a sudden to just talk, to really talk, something they had always before been able to handle just fine. It could also be like how I am when I get hurt. I go inside myself and I don't come out til I'm ready, can be weeks of that. My husband has hurt me too during our relationship and I got like that. I still function well I think on the outside but he felt as if he had lost me or was loosing me, and did not know what to do either. I could not snap out of it. I think being like that was a little like having a depression. All I can explain it by is saying it is as if I sink within myself. I can't find the words. I can't handle talking about what it is that hurt. It is what it is. I was still polite and kind to my husband too, but I was not there. Then one day it was as if I was able to find my way out, toughen up I suppose, almost like a snap, and I was back. And I could talk about it. I wish I knew how to be different, it is such an instinct behavior, I really wish I was not like that. It is not that I go around and pout, or scream or cause any scene.

    One of the times we met I think it was because he had threaten to take legal actions, being suspicious that the new pregnancy I was in, that he was still the father, which he wasn't, but he changed his mind and promised me he would not take it further. From before he had also one time threaten legally my family, not me, but my family. But in return he was threaten too by the law, the threat of calling the police. So, very difficult situation.

    The last time we met I think was when he really wanted to know why I had left and it got to be so emotional even if so much time had passed since the break up. I remember him trying to get down on one knee and proposing and I was trying to stop him from doing that ,and somewhere he got hold of my hand and kissed it almost to himself, with much emotion, with much grief, it was shattering, that was the only touch, physical touch, between us, til I got my hand back. Later I did get beaten by it when I could not stop crying and said I had seen him (shortly before his death) and that I still loved him when the person who did the beating at first wondered why I was crying. i did not blame the person who beat me afterwards, knew I was the villain even if I had not physically done wrong.
     
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  11. Li-la

    Li-la Senior Member

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    Hi, now I understand that it ended in a unfinished way with you 2. Why the connection and the karma and the memories has come to you this way. If you loved him so why stop him from proposing to you? To my eyes it is like you was his Mina. Dracula's Mina ;)

    Best Wishes
    Li La
     
  12. Jaimie

    Jaimie Senior Member

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    Ha ha, you're funny : ) no, not as bad as Dracula

    Why i stopped him? Well, in my experience as they got to talk about why things ended between them... this was his idea, not hers...as things surfaced he got more emotional and so did she. I remember the phrases. Him going "Let's just get one thing straight here, you left me" and she going "what did i leave?" (meaning it was not much of a relationship to leave at the time) and her continuing saying "I was in the way ! You didn't really want me !" (in the way = in the way of the career he wanted so badly. want me = being married to me ). I could "hear" him say "no" and then starting to become more emotional, when saying "I wanted...I want you" and then it got more and more emotional. Him asking at one point of this meeting if she was happy, but that he wasn't. That he was a shell. That he did not know what to do, nothing worked, and time did not solve this, that he did not know how much of it he could take no more, that it was no use living on without her.

    She was shocked and it was difficult to watch him like this, she took no enjoyment of it, she had become worried about him for some time. Thing was she was not happy. She was only pretending to be. Complicated. In the past as things went on too fast after their break up she had tried to move on with someone else but had regrets and knew she was not right in her mind. At the time a psychiatrist was already on her case. She was threaten that if she did not fulfill her duty... well, let's just say it is a swirl of one bad incident after another that I remember her being caught in.

    Her fear was real (to her at least) that if she did not fulfill the plan they had set out for her that they would claim she was unstable and take legal control of her and her unborn baby. This sounds so nuts, I know. It would happen to her, though, in the future, by the same family member that I experienced being the one threatening of this at the time; saying she was irrational and "loose" (loose = not a prostitute but close to...) and she never got the legal right back on this child (a different child than the one she carried at the time and would sadly loose, miscarriage). So things in the end had been very tense and she had told herself that her future with her ex well had no future, because of the problems they had gone through, and that part of him that had been insecure about her (which she saw as him not loving her as much as she did him and putting his career before them) she had no desire to force into marriage.

    She did not want him to always look at her and the baby and think they came in the way of his dream of becoming someone so big. Also he was young and he would openly say he was young and well...wanted to enjoy his freedom, I suppose. But in other ways he was acting as if he was already married to her and stepping on other (family) people's toes because of that attitude. It was as if he wanted to pick and choose the good things in marital life but escape the responsibility that came with it, and he was forever confusing her because so much of the time when they were together he was very good to her to the degree that she was confused how he could then have doubts.

    But I think this was his nature -- he would swing forth and back and as he did it was as if he was throwing her against the walls, and she did not know what to think. I think perhaps he thought that she had never been pregnant or that she had suffered a very early miscarriage, I remember him asking 2 times (perhaps more but I can't remember those) about the baby...he was easy going, careful, in the end and all she wanted to do was to run and run away from him and everything. There had been something else that had happened too at the late part of the relationship. They had to go out on arranged dates in the spotlight, so these were not real dates. She chose not to go with someone she had a romantic history with, but when it was his time he chose to go with someone he had that with.

    So I remember the buzz afterwards when she was at a cafeteria with other young people and his date was there too, a person who naturally loved attention and would speak out, perhaps not mean anything by it, just how she was built. At the time I don't know if they were still on or if they had broken up. But I do remember her feeling like this was the last straw, she could not take it anymore, to be hurt anymore. I don't know if he was aware of her being subjected to this buzz at the cafeteria. So then at one point I remember her letting down her guard. Someone she knew, a man, had circulated around her for some time but she thought he looked at her as if she was a little sister or something, she did not see it coming, and when he started to put in high geer to try to make her go out with him she thought he was joking and trying to make her feel better but she still said no. (she still had her plan to go away and give birth and have the baby adopted back to her family although this plan frighten her too).

    Then I remember a scene at home where someone in her family offered him money but him going that he did not want any money, he just wanted her (me). I remember her (me) crying and having tried to get out of it (having told him she was pregnant and he knew it was not his, she was shy around him and well it was far away from any real intimacy at the time) when he got very mad at her, the other family member leaving her with him - when he was like this - as if he was her father or something that had every right to punish her, ending with him holding her with strong arms around her, she was sobbing, head down, almost sitting down on the floor, and him telling her in her ear that he loved her so much and that he would take good care of them both (she and the baby I presume). I remember her still from time to time trying to get out of it, but being frightened back in line. Also feeling shattered as she realized her ex-boyfriend looked at her with hate -- thinking she was right, after all, they could not be repaired. That she had to move forward.

    She had to do what was best for everyone; the ex boyfriend keeping his beloved career and promises of the future and his beloved freedom til he felt ready to be married perhaps one day to someone else...So when he was like that on their last meeting (I have presumed it was their last because of the hair cut I could see him have and him having had a cold, turned out he did have influenza at the time and that strange hair cut) she did not want him unhappy, she did not want him to continue to make a fool of himself, she was already married, it was not like she could go "yes, I do", and she felt fear and obligation to the man she was with, it was not at all her character I think to be able to have an affair.

    She had a naked face like I do. Anyone can see my thoughts and feelings. I don't think she would have been able to pull it off. She had also too much respect for both these 2 men. I remember for instance after her ex had gone on the date with the one he had had a real history with (romantically) that at some point she (me) came to see him over at his place. She was nervous and I think she had prepared a "speech" of what to say. I remember him opening the door and her going quickly to the side of the wall next to the door and him closing it. He closed the door. He came to her to kiss her when she looked down and said "I can't. There's someone else" (that was not part of her speech I think it just came by instinct). There was silence as she could feel his eyes intense on her, and the silence that kept creeping closer and closer. Then he finally said "so that's why".

    I am sorry if all of this is a messy way of me trying to describe all these little scenes, it was a mystery to myself for long time to try to set them in order to figure out what had happened exactly, when.

    I have a theory to why they met the last time but the thing is my experience does not reveal it. But I think it might have been this. From what I have read he was now getting more and more power, the ex boyfriend that is. She signed for a role in a film without knowing the other characters. It was a good film role to land. According to his friend and co-star he remember that they (him and the ex) came and when the ex had seen her signature (she was now his ex girlfriend for months and months ago and both had moved on with their romantic life) he was said the friend very pleased to see her signature. After that he signed - to play against her, have many scenes with her. Her finding out about this later on, that he would be in the film and play opposite of her could have been the cause why they met that last time, I don't know.

    /Jaimie
     
  13. Li-la

    Li-la Senior Member

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    Hi, what a mess! So if I understand it right they were both unfaithful during their romance to each other? What happened after he said so that's why? Did he accept she had met a new man? Did he throw her out or tried to convince her to dump the other man? Did you confront the other woman or him about it? What is so cold is the threat of someone else taking a legal right to you (to say you were unstable) and your baby - and for this to then happen later in life to you. Were you really that sick? Did the ex boyfriend know about the threat? Should you not or did you tell him about it? It was his baby too. Please, don't take it wrong way. Sorry for all questions. If you don't wish to talk of it not more I understand.

    Best Wishes
    Li La
     
  14. Jaimie

    Jaimie Senior Member

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    Yes very messy indeed, I am surprised I even came as far as putting these little pieces of the difficult puzzle together as it is. When ever that life shows up during meditation it either ends with me tearing up and is pulled out of it very soon into it or I am in calm memories where not much is happening. I don't know if it is because it is closer in time of this life why it is like that.

    No, we were not unfaithful. Even if they did have a history he did not get involved with her again, from what I have read. He called it a "mistake" of going out with her that time.

    With me it was more complex I think. We had broken up. I thought I was alone with the pregnancy.

    He did not throw her out, but she left after she said what she had to say.

    I can not remember confronting him or her about their past romance and their new date.

    I can tell she was heartbroken and stressed out, that is about it. Her life being ruled by everyone else besides her. Very difficult.

    The ex boyfriend did not know of the threat, I think. But later when seeing his psychiatrist he would say (I've read, not experienced) they had made her think she was crazy when she was not and forcing pills on her that she did not need to take. Him saying he wanted her to be happy, he really did, and that of all his friends and others, she was the one to worry him, and he would give all he owned to just know she was OK. So with that said I think he could see through her mask, saw her eyes, knew she was not quite OK.

    The thing about the baby -- what has come through in my experiences is that he was left out. At first by saying "You're on your own then". Her saying at one point that he did not need to "bother about it" (the pregnancy).

    The way I experienced it she was not allowed to tell him the truth -- that she was in fact pregnant and still pregnant, that is. She was afraid. Each time she tried to turn things around, tried to get them right again -- she was forced back, back in line, frighten.

    She would later tell him the truth, and it was a complete relief and grief. I think she was ashamed. She took her hands over her face. She had tears. He had looked shocked at her. Then she left.

    God, Li La, we have now moved away from the topic of the thread:)

    /Jaimie
     
    Last edited: Feb 12, 2020 at 4:33 PM
  15. Li-la

    Li-la Senior Member

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    Hi Jaimie! Yes, we have moved away from the topic, I agree with that, but I can't help it. Your answers raise more questions. Have you worked your way through this life? What happened to you must have felt traumatic, when you write that others controlled your life, you. Was there no way out of this? Was the hold they had on you your mentality? Could you not get help from somewhere? Could you not leave where you were? Leave the person or the people that did this to you? What kept you from taking charge of your own life?

    Best Wishes
    Li La
     
  16. Jaimie

    Jaimie Senior Member

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    Hi Li La, well it was like that for me to, my short memories just raised more questions, ha ha...I think I have worked through it now, but there are still times when it is too close. Partly the hold on me was the mentality, the other was that I was dealing with people who had more power than I had, I was like a marionette. There was no use of me leaving, because where was a young unmarried pregnant woman with no income suppose to go? Society was harsh on those, back in the day, in some cultures today still is. I would say fear kept me from being in charge of my own life and not being as strong as I normally was.

    I remember when she began to see a psychiatrist in NY city that she began to change a lot. She became more and more independent and she found back to her own voice which had before drown in other strong voices.

    Later in life I don't think I was that sick that I could not be trusted because I remember working and that my ex husband not only trusted me with my own children, but watching his other children as well. I remember though that I would feel easily cornered, nervous in a potential or in a romantic relationship - that I could not take it, I preferred to be single. I couldn't take the games, and I couldn't take when it got serious either. It was like I could not breath, like I did not want to be owned. I think it was because I had been dominated in the past. And because I knew it was no use as I could not love like I once had.

    thanks for asking :)

    /Jaimie
     
    Last edited: Feb 13, 2020 at 3:26 PM
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  17. Li-la

    Li-la Senior Member

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    Why could you not love like you once had? That is sad. You gave up on love. This way his spell won, you wish to return to him?

    Best Wishes

    Li La
     
  18. Jaimie

    Jaimie Senior Member

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    Perhaps because she was not finished with that love. Even if he was not there anymore, he still was, only invisible. I believe he was simply one of those people that if you have once loved them you can't stop. You will always love them. She still loved him when she left and she was not finished, but she was manipulated and frighten to not go back to him, and she was hurting too much too I think at the time to be able to go back to him, he would have to -- or they both, as both had been hurt -- work on it, but not give up. It was too soon to give up, I think. So I think, that is just my theory of course, that it stayed with her later on. As it did with him too.

    I very clearly remember her trying to stay in line, do what was right for everyone else (besides herself) and live like this marionette, and I think that too was part of her depression. She thought too much of others than herself, she did not value herself in that regard, she did not fight to protect her territory. It was, in my opinion, completely invaded by loved ones and other's wanting and opinions. When I once read something someone else wrote of her life I kept reading what that person thought and what this person thought and so on. I kept thinking "But where is she ? Where is her voice ? Her voice is not anywhere in all this !". It was idiotic, by the way, because I did manage to find a rare interview, her own words, without manipulation or misunderstandings -- but it was not used by the writer. And I knew from my own memories that even if she loved these people that had their say, they did not get her always, they saw things through their eyes and sometimes it was a completely different picture than what she would have thought.

    I thought, perhaps naively, that if you're gonna put in the energy and wanting to do an honest portrait of someone you would wish to get as close as you possible can to that person -- that is IF the person has talked, IF the person has shared things from HER view, not anyone else's who was at the scene, but HER -- then you would want to take HER WORDS. You might not agree with it, it doesn't matter, because the reader does not read all that to find out what uncle Ben has to say or the neighbor or who ever -- One wants the voice of the person you're reading about, right ? Isn't that the closest you can get ? The most honest you can get ?

    Sorry, I got off track. It was just so typical, really. So typical that this really speaks of how it was. Other people having their say. Her voice being drowned.

    If I should take an example. I experienced her being almost pushed down a sofa in the living room, powerful people there to "talk sense" to her. She had had enough. She did not want to go through with her wedding. This was no surprise to her husband-to-be, not at all. She had brought it up with him several times. He saw it as something they had to do. He did not have any control. She did not have any control. He knew for one thing -- her stage fright. He tried to make it so that they could have a small, small - the smallest possible - wedding there was. He did not care .It was for her. For her sake. So I remember him suggesting that. But he was not in position of power. They were both owned. She did not like having many people looking at her. She did not enjoy being the center of attention. She liked people and enjoyed them and liked to laugh, but that was about it. I remember her being seriously threaten to go along with this thing. I remember a psychiatrist. I remember the feeling in the room. Do you know why she did not have her own wedding dress in her own home ? Because they thought she could in an instant cut it -- destroy it. (I have not had any proof of that though, just my experiences.) another is that I remembered that she was followed because they feared she would skip town (something I actually got validated to have been the case many years later, so it was not just my memory). They did not consider her "stable", but in my opinion she was far more stable than any of those were. What they did was crazy. What they did was wrong. I wonder how they slept at night after that scene, or had they forgotten how to be human beings long ago ?

    So Anyway I remembered that scene. It was more, much more than her having "cold feet". So then many, many years later after I had remembered this FINALLY someone who was there chose to speak up. First I went "Thank you" -- because it validated my own memory. Second I thought - shame on you (this other person), shame on you to have done this to her. She came to you in her most vulnerable hour, for help, for direction. And you chose to use her vulnerability, her broken heart, and make her think she was crazy, and put a psychiatrist on her to say she was, not to mention the fear of her completely loosing the right to her life and her unborn baby. This person described, as if it was nothing -- nothing wrong at all this person had done -- that she (me) was so strong willed, so "hysterical" that this person could no longer control her, and the situation, so this person called for help. And the conclusion was like oh, she had just cold feet so we were entitled to do what we did to her. No, they were not. So help me God, they were not.

    I don't wish to return to him as her, as being in love and being heartbroken. But because he is I think at this point part of my soul group then I have experienced him being my parent and my friend in other past lives (although I don't know if that is true, at this stage it is only experiences) and think my spirit don't wish to loose him. When I first had memories of him I saw him as a father. I got so sleepy when I heard his voice for real, like a child knowing as this child that I am completely safe and loved and understood :) strange perhaps but that was how I felt. So I never had a crush on him when these memories came and I saw her as someone different from me, a grown woman. I was not a grown woman, I was still too much a child.

    /Jaimie
     
  19. KenJ

    KenJ Assistant Archivist and Moderator Staff Member Super Moderator

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    Thank you jaimie for taking the needed care of reviewing your post, punctuating it, and adding paragraph breaks. Doing that makes it a lot easier for us to read.
     
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  20. Li-la

    Li-la Senior Member

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    Dear Jaimie, could this be why you say you have had and have bad temper? Someone or some people taking control over your life and your decisions. You trying to fight against it, but if I understand you right you did not win the fight, but lost. How was the relationship with the family member who did this to you after the wedding? And the other people that were there to control you? If it is alright with you I ask. Did you make clear later in life what had happened back then was wrong?

    Best Wishes

    Li La
     

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