Time gap?

Discussion in 'Reincarnation Questions' started by Kenz1010, Jan 8, 2019.

  1. landsend

    landsend Senior Registered

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    To further elaborate, I left my last life sorely unresolved. I've jumped into this life which has no resemblance to that life and lived sheltered, and hidden and trying to get as far away as possible from who I was as Terry. Even doing activities that Terry enjoyed I've run from (for example, I started running track when I was around 8-9 and stopped because I recall it triggering pain in me, it was an all girls club and I hated the girls and how they were -- lo and behold Terry also ran track and was good at it -- found it in a newspaper clipping).

    Everyday ask myself why I chose this, why? My mother who knows of Terry tells me this is my karma because I left my family behind in my last life. My karma to live out my lives miserable, and live not according to my nature. Now can't see a way out, and am having to go under crises control because I'm at risk of taking my own life. How does it feel to have to mention to a complete stranger that you are 50-50 on ending it all? It feels like you might imagine it.

    This is the truth of it. I say to you Kenz, get some proper help (meaning not a group of strangers on a forum -- but folks who can help) & don't be like me. You are young, and you have your life ahead of you. I'm 28 and done a lot of damage, and have three kids to think of so that I don't end up ruining their lives.
     
  2. tanker

    tanker Senior Registered

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    I agree with landsend's advice. Get some proper help. Don't be like me either, because I've spent years floundering around with my secrets, and now have no-one and am dispirited enough not to think I'm worth even bothering about. People don't find me interesting, I was an ordinary soldier and my story has no glamour to it, so what on earth's the point of even looking for help at this late stage?
     
  3. landsend

    landsend Senior Registered

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    For what it’s worth I find your story very interesting, as well as your life Tanker. From the short time I’ve known you I wouldn’t consider anything that you’ve told me is uninteresting. In fact it is book worthy and should be known by others.
     
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  4. landsend

    landsend Senior Registered

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    The case being in point that repression and suffering alone in silence is definitely not the answer.
     
  5. tanker

    tanker Senior Registered

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    Thank you so much for those kind words, landsend. What I find in general is that people who have dramatic stories get a lot more notice taken of them than someone with a very ordinary story like mine.

    I just can't understand where all the rest of the ordinary German soldiers are ... everyone else with PLs on the German side seems to be SS connected, which is what people like to hear about. There were millions of us. Where on earth are they all?
     
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  6. tanker

    tanker Senior Registered

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    You're right there, a thousand times over. But it's not always easy to find someone who understands, when you're at your lowest.
     
  7. KenJ

    KenJ Assistant Archivist and Moderator Staff Member Super Moderator

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    Both of you speak of things that have been a part of my current lifetime, and make me sad that I chose to leave the counseling profession in the 1980's. As an aside, part of the reason for leaving was because the APA seemed like a mafia sort of organization, declaring what was labeled a problem and then claiming that to be 'turf' that they were to control. I noticed that they recently declared that traditional masculinity has been included as a problem to be corrected!

    Landsend, since I've experienced sitting with a gun in-hand considering the benefits of using it to relieve the pain, the realization that avoiding it now is just temporary must be put into the equation.

    Tanker, you know that I've been interested in your story AND current life circumstances. I have some of the same issues as you speak of, the things that I considered important were all taken from me in one way or another, my physical abilities, my family, and my goals that I'd set for myself. I've often wondered what I'd have become if I'd remained the physically-capable person I once was, wondering what it is that I can do to give meaning to my life, wondering why in the heck I'm still here. Either you believe there is a predestine purpose, you create a purpose, or you just walk the path. My preference when in doubt is the second one while waiting for the first one to become known.
     
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  8. Kenz1010

    Kenz1010 Senior Registered

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    Tanker, I find you and your story very interesting, I don’t know why you think that way. And like landsend said, it’s honestly book worthy. You’ve recalled so much & been through so much.

    I believe you and I are sort of both in the same boat right now. Not many people we feel we can connect with on a level of pure satisfaction.
     
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  9. landsend

    landsend Senior Registered

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    Am also wondering where all the Nam veterans are, most have disappeared or not stuck around long. Experience shows me that folks hide. We are the few here. I’ve not talked to anyone who recalls Vietnam with the depth I do, yet.

    As for the average German soldier, I suspect it’s much the same.
     
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  10. landsend

    landsend Senior Registered

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    Many thanks for sharing this Ken.
     
  11. tanker

    tanker Senior Registered

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    Thank you for the kind words, Ken. I'm very sad for all your losses and appreciate your honesty. I don't know what to say, really. I don't have any of the answers to these things. I'm just finding it too much of a struggle today.
     
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  12. tanker

    tanker Senior Registered

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    I'm quite surprised to hear that, especially as Vietnam's more recent and the archives seem to be pretty good. Maybe it's that people haven't actually discovered places like this forum. I only found it by accident, relatively recently.

    I would think the depth of your memories is fairly unusual. My memories cover a few years, but have huge gaps in knowledge between.

    We just have to hope that more people come along to add to our number.
     
  13. tanker

    tanker Senior Registered

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    Thanks, Kenz, it's very kind of you to say that. I'm sure when you've got more of your story sorted out you'll find others on your wavelength. You have time on your side.
     
  14. KenJ

    KenJ Assistant Archivist and Moderator Staff Member Super Moderator

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    Sometimes find that I can gain perspective through reading about how others have lived their lives. wo such books come to mind, Gift of Life and Unbroken, both dealing with the WWII time period. Just a thought:)
     
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  15. KenJ

    KenJ Assistant Archivist and Moderator Staff Member Super Moderator

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    I'm too involved with the forum today it seems. In addition to my ramblings about finding peace and direction, I started reading a newer Kindle purchase, A Mind at Home with Itself, where part of the Forward states -

    For readers who haven’t heard about Byron Katie, here is some background. In the midst of an ordinary American life—two marriages, three children, a successful career—Katie entered a ten-year-long downward spiral into depression, agoraphobia, self-loathing, and suicidal despair. She drank to excess, her husband brought her pints of ice cream and codeine pills that she ate like candy, and she ended up weighing over two hundred pounds. She slept with a .357 Magnum revolver under her bed. Every day she prayed not to wake up the next morning, and it was only because of her concern for her children that she didn’t kill herself. For the last two years of this ordeal she could seldom manage to leave her house; she stayed in her bedroom for days at a time, unable even to shower or brush her teeth. (“What’s the use?” she thought. “It all adds up to nothing anyway.”) Finally, in February 1986, at the age of forty-three, she checked herself into a halfway house for women with eating disorders—the only facility that her insurance company would pay for. The residents were so frightened of her that they put her in an attic bedroom and booby-trapped the staircase at night; they thought she might come down and do something terrible to them.

    One morning, after about a week at the halfway house, Katie had a life-changing experience. As she lay on the floor (she didn’t feel worthy enough to sleep in a bed), a cockroach crawled across her ankle and down her foot. She opened her eyes, and all her depression and fear, all the thoughts that had been tormenting her, were gone. “While I was lying on the floor,” she says, “I understood that when I was asleep, prior to cockroach or foot, prior to any thoughts, prior to any world, there was—there is—nothing. In that instant, the four questions of The Work were born.” She felt intoxicated with joy. The joy persisted for hours, then days, then months and years.

    When she went home, her children, who had lived in fear of her outbursts, could barely recognize her. Her eyes had changed. “The blue had become so clear, so beautiful,” her daughter, Roxann, says. “If you looked in, you could see that she was as innocent as a baby. She was happy all day long, every day, and she seemed to be brimming over with love.”

    Katie, Byron. A Mind at Home with Itself (pp. x-xi). HarperOne. Kindle Edition.


    Sounds interesting:)
     
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  16. landsend

    landsend Senior Registered

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    I sort of understand this. I’ve experienced before moments of what the indian mystics call ‘Samadhi’. It first happened to me in this life when I too was suffering immensely with agoraphobia and suicidal depression as a teen. However this state was not permanent for me. I don’t know if you’ve heard of Eckhart Tolle, but reading his first book it seems he also experienced something similar.

    I have read accounts of POWs in Vietnam talking about how when their suffering was very great that they entered a state of mind from the starvation, suffering and lack of stimulation that was similar to what monks and mystics attain. Although again for them it was not permanent.
     
  17. Kenz1010

    Kenz1010 Senior Registered

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    Landsend, like you, I wouldn’t know what I’d even say. I’m pretty sure if some 16 year old girl walked into a counseling session and said she needs help coping with memories & flashbacks from world war 2, they’d probably try and put me in some sort of mental facility. I don’t know who to talk to about this besides the people on this forum and in private messages.
     
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  18. tanker

    tanker Senior Registered

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    Kenz, I've sent you a PM which might help.
     
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  19. landsend

    landsend Senior Registered

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    Kenz most of all I think you need to tell your parents. If it’s got to the point where you and others are noticing changes in your behaviour then you need to tell someone.

    I kept my gender dysphoria, phobias and other problems to myself at your age and didn’t let the cat out the bag and repressed it. I wish I had told folks back then how I was feeling.

    As it stands my mother is claiming she would’ve been receptive back then. Now I’m in a position no one wants to be in where dependants are involved. All I can say is if this is coming to you now it’s with good reason. Don’t under estimate how receptive your folks might be.
     
    Last edited: Jan 12, 2019
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