So after an episode of depression, I'm on this spiritual journey. First, I should note that I am a male-to-female transgender in mid-transition. For most of my life, I've identified with being a female. On a few occasions, it has gotten to a point where I nearly committed suicide. I am glad that I failed because committing suicide will either land me a one-way ticket to Hell or reap very bad karma. I recently had a long conversation with someone who seems very strong on her faith in God (I prefer to call The One whom many refer to as "God" "Source" and with gender-neutral pronouns based on my very-strong belief that God is neither male or female), during which time, she showed me a few bible verses stating that men should not act or dress as women; they're both sins as the bible has a verse that forbids a man having relations with another man and a woman with another woman. For the purposes of this forum post, let's call this woman "Edna." I don't practice any particular religion and neither does Edna. She just has a deep relationship with Source. Mind you, Edna seemed like a very nice lady and she was. Edna made it a point to frequently remind me that it wasn't her duty to judge me, to condemn me in any way or to talk me out of my transition, but to "warn" me of the consequences of not doing what God intended for me to do and kept encouraging me to seek a relationship with God. Edna managed to convince me that God doesn't make people transgender, that she'd seen people who were transgender and with God's help were able to start identifying and feeling comfort with the gender they were born without transitioning. She even said to me that the reason why I've struggled with doing "guy things" and that it had been so painful for me trying to be masculine is because God is not helping me with such, or something to that effect. I will say again, she did show me a bible verse that says a man shall not be effeminate, and another that men should not wear women's clothing. Edna — despite how kind much of a kind lady she was — seemed like a conservative person who lives her life and raised her children in accordance with the word of God. The thing about it is — and this just dawned on me at the time I typed all this — even as I undergo my transformation into a woman, I am still genetically a male, granted I would like for society to read me as a woman and refer to me with "she"/"her" pronouns whether or not they are aware of my being transgender. After that long talk with Edna, I feel a lot... different. I'm now having mixed feeling about having my sex reassignment surgery. Before 4/6/16, I was 100% sure that I wanted to have my genitals changed but now, I'm having mixed feelings about it. I am kind of feeling like I'm afraid to fully transition. I am afraid of going to Hell forever and for all of eternity. I firmly told Edna that I'm still going through with my transition and I stand firm behind my reasons to do so. However I've been feeling sick with worry about it. Here's how I've been feeling: I'm still not comfortable with being a male but my desire to be female has only slightly decreased. Am I losing my desire to be a woman? I don't ever want to lose my desire to be a woman. What if many years down the road I don't want to be a woman at all? I hope that doesn't end up being the case. Having my genitals surgically altered to resemble female genitals feels like a sin and I'm not sure if I want to do it because I'm afraid I will go to Hell if I do it. I'm feeling like Source is changing me so that my desire to transition into a woman is not having such a strong and damaging hold on me — and that my desire to transition into a woman is more of my own will rather that Source's... because it is. I only want to do Source's will for my life so that I don't end up going to Hell but what if doing Source's will means reversing my transition altogether and not become a woman at all? I'm not ready to do that. I'm not ready to give up any of my desires for Source. I hope my transgender status and my desire to be a woman is NOT the work of Satan. It seems like Source is trying to deliver me from what seems like a sinful desire to be a woman but it's like I'm willfully fighting to hold on to my desire to be a woman, choosing to stay in my sinful state, because I really want to transition. I don't want to waste the work I put into my transition As much as I really want to do this, I'm afraid of going to Hell. I want to know that reincarnation exists but I'm choosing to believe in a Heaven and a Hell to stay on the safe side. Everything I've italicized above are thoughts and statements that'd been running through my head like crazy, scaring me like crazy, driving me crazy. But I am constantly reminding myself with these questions that make me feel somewhat at ease: What if Purgatory exists and that by transitioning, I go to Purgatory, not Hell? What if reincarnation really is a thing? But why is it that... the world's population has people who can, without any divine help, naturally identify with the gender which they were born and others not so much? Hmm? Why is it that my mannerisms and gender identity are that of a female? Hmm? Why is it that a bible which was typed and printed (much like this Internet post, sans the printed part) seems to forbid against males being effeminate but not females being masculine or people being transracial (to my knowledge at least). Get this: being female is my soul's desire! Don't any of you reading this think that there's a reason for that? As some say, everything happens for a reason. So maybe... just maybe... it is my soul's desire to be female for a reason! I believe and respect the notion that Source made me male for a reason and that Source doesn't make people transgender. For example, let's say if you're taking a train ride or a flight from San Francisco, California to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, during which trip you discover your wallet, credit card, and $10,000 cash all happens to turn up missing. You then later found out that a security officer or a TSA officer stole such valuable articles from you. It's to my understanding that Source did not tell individual to steal your belongings but had a very good reason for allowing him/her to do so. Wouldn't any of you agree? I could really use a spiritual lawyer right about now. Or maybe I already am one! LOL Overall, I feel a lot more at ease with being male-appearing person. I still desire to transition but that desire isn't as strong, and I'm afraid to go through with it. Just before, when my transgender feelings got so out of hand, I desired to not live past 40 or 50. Now, I do plan to live out my entire life, whether I live beyond 40, 50, 80 or to 100 and wait until it's actually my time to transition to The Other Side as again, committing suicide will only reap punishing consequences whether or not reincarnation exists. I still never want to lose my desire to be female. In fact, I could never see myself being a cis straight macho man and I'm sure I don't have to be. Even as I typed that last sentence, note that I still feel a tinge of discomfort with being called a man or me calling myself one. I put a lot of work and money into my transition. I cannot see myself de-transitioning to start living the rest of my life as a man. I just cannot do it. In fact, despite all the emotional stress, pain, and turmoil being transgender has brought me, I would much rather be born male and be a male-to-female transgender than to be born male and be a cis (not transgender) straight male. Also according to Deuteronomy 23:1 in the bible, "No one whose testicles are crushed or whose male organ is cut off shall enter the assembly of the LORD." Mind you, that verse does not directly state that a man whose genitals are removed are going to Hell. It just states that they won't enter Heaven. Also the bible seems to reject the idea of reincarnation altogether. There are some people who based on their religious beliefs welcome and reject the idea of reincarnation. I believe in it... want to anyway. My cisgendered female friend (who was born, and identifies with being, female) with whom I'm very close with tells me she isn't sure if or not reincarnation exists. For argument's sake let's just say: You only get this one life. You did not exist before you came here. You will not exist after you die. When you die, you are judged and then go to either Heaven or Hell. I was born Black, I was born mal. That's it. This is the only experience I get. I'm transgender, I never will know what it's like to be any other gender or race according to such notions. No! I feel very strongly that I have lived before, that I've been a female before and will again; not because I want to believe I will be born female in a future lifetime, so to speak, but because of where I come from in my firm connections with spirituality, Abraham-Hicks, and things of that nature. I refuse to give into notion that there is "no reincarnation." Even with the notion that Source made me male for a reason, I also happen to believe in these things for a reason. Maybe looking to prove them is not in my best interest right now. Maybe perhaps it would behoove me to go through with my transition (hormones, FFS, hip implants, voice training, hair removal) and do the whole male-to-female transformation process without having the surgery to remove my genitals, just to stay on the safe side. I have tried only one past-life regression meditation to see who I was in a prior lifetime. I got just one vision. It wasn't really a vision, so to speak, it was more-so three jumbled messages and these are the three messages I've acquired: Philadelphia, Pennsylvania female, African American 1959 (or 1957) Mind you, I have not attempted another PLR since then. I don't know if I was born or died in Philadelphia, if the late 1950s was the era I was born in or died in, but I do have the strong feeling that I was indeed a female in that incarnation. I felt very strongly (and still do) that I should've been born a female... in this life. I would have liked to have been born female. I find myself wondering what it's like to have been born female. So maybe perhaps I don't know what it's like to be female. Maybe I've never been female before in any life. Could my vision wrong? Could it be that I've forgotten what it's like to be female? It's funny because according to that vision, I was African American in that life and I'm African American in this life too. It's also starting to dawn on me now that even as being transgender is not an act of Source, being transgender is more or less a genetic thing that involves science. Since science has yet to prove what exactly "causes" people to be transgender, I'm thinking the reason they haven't yet is because transgenderism is more likely soul-involving than genetic involving but that's just my theory. Based on my personal experiences with my life, I feel as though it's my life's purpose to be an inspirational speaker, a life coach, a law of attraction guru and teacher, a motivational speaker. Thank you to you and all others who have taken the time to read my post and reply to me. I understand that I most likely won't get any definite set-in-stone answers from merely an Internet forum on this subject but I would just love to hear others' opinions on this topic and what people think I should do.