[warning - dark stuff] Abusive ex gf was my sibling in a past life?

Discussion in 'Past Life Memories' started by cel, Oct 24, 2017.

  1. cel

    cel New Member

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    Hello everyone,
    I've never been seriously interested in reincarnation on past lives up until now - although I've never really rejected it.
    What brought me here is a past relationship which shattered my life and the opinion I had of myself.
    I'd be really grateful if you could help me with your feedback.

    If it's too long, go to the tl;dr section below.

    When I met this girl 7 years ago, I was hit by the strongest "oh sh*t" feeling I've ever experienced in my whole life - as if a piece of my fate was standing right before me and I could do nothing to prevent it from coming to me. I had been in love or fascinated before, but this was different: I was equally drawn to her and plain scared, because of the strenght of what I felt would unite us.

    I was **** right.

    I lasted 4 years. It was mutually abusive in any sense. We couldn't be more different. We just split for everybody's sake but never really fell out of love.

    It's like there were two of us:
    • on the one hand, we were two empathic, resilient people who wanted each other's good but otherwise didn't understand each other and had nothing in common, personality, values, life paths, not even basic sexual preferences since I prefer men and she prefers women.
    • on the other hand, we were almost spiritually joined by something bigger and older than us. We finished each other's sentences, thought the same things at the same time, we really couldn't be split, we felt like we were at home, a home before time that destroyed who we were now. We unconsciously liked destroying each other.
    I was a shy kid. I stopped practicing karate because I didn't like beating people, not even as a sport. I had never slapped anyone before, and I never did afterwards. I can't forgive myself for the things I did and those I let happen when I was with her.

    I think I could never deal with this relationship "the right way": I was drawn to her but in a way that trascended who I was. It was dark, but not sexual from my side (and this caused a lot of problems in hindsight). It was more than a love relationship, and not in a good way. It felt, as I said, like a home before time, and it awakened someone I was not, someone I wouldn't be again afterwards.

    She liked to baby me. We both had a strong interest in the '20s-'30s-'40s. A thing that perplexed me was her lowkey liking for brother/sister incest fantasies, which had no root in her daily life (she and her sister disliked each other like many siblings do) and I had never had any interest in. When it was clear we weren't partners in the proper sense of the term we jokingly called each other "cousins". I think her baggage is bigger than mine and she's repressing a lot right now.

    tl;dr
    one could say it's just an abusive relationship, with roots in some childhood trauma, and the sibling fantasy is just a way to make sense of it through imagination.
    but if she was my older sister in a past life, then many situations, and many precise sensations I couldn't explain then, would perfectly make sense.


    1. What do you think? How can I tell an abusive relationship full stop from an abusive relationship caused by the interference of a past life?
    2. If this is the case, how can I get hints about said past life? I'm worried we didnt just have sex in this one and the thought disgusts and scares me.
     
  2. Mere Dreamer

    Mere Dreamer Super Moderators Staff Member Super Moderator

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    Whatever happens in the present is a present part of us. You can't (none of us can) just push all our reactions outside ourselves and call it an "influence" because whatever made you vulnerable to the influence is actually a quality in you. The only way to stop being influenced is to repair the crack in your foundations, boundaries, emotions, beliefs, etc. that made you vulnerable in the first place. And that vulnerability isn't just to her, but to anyone like her in that very specific way. Which means that, yes, you are capable of abusing other people than her. That capacity is yours to own.

    That's actually good news though, because once it's yours you can face it and deal with it. As long as it's some external influence there's not much you can do but run away, and be afraid that another influence will come along unexpectedly to throw you back into that pattern. But once you own your part, whatever it was that made you vulnerable, whatever beliefs that brought you to act in that way, you can choose to change and grow and learn until that quality in you is transformed into a benefit or replaced with something better.

    You may be right about who she was to you. Past lives are full of people, beliefs, and experiences that you may not have fully processed and learned to handle before you moved on. So now is your chance to figure it out and get it right (or at least begin in that direction) so when you meet her (or someone like her) again those old patterns will be broken and you'll have a healthier pattern to contribute from your end.

    So, here's the thing. No matter what happened before (and I think you already know there's a lot more to it than merely sleeping with a sister going on if that's what happened) there is something very useful to learn here.

    So let's say you had a desperate, codependent relationship in that previous life. 1) Maybe you were both raised in such a way that you had no "box" into which you could place your genuine love and support for each other. The only option left was "romantic" and you felt horribly guilty for your attraction to each other. Those emotions knotted up amid multiple lifetimes of love twisted that powerful connection into something neither of you could handle in the context and culture you faced. 2) Maybe you were abused by someone else, even family and turned to each other for comfort. Perhaps you had to depend on each other because there was nobody else to turn to for comfort, and all you knew was what you'd been trained into by your abuser. 3) Maybe one of you forced the other into a relationship and there was some love, but mostly a longing, desire for control, and lust.

    There are too many options for nuance to write here, but that gives you a spectrum to start with.

    1) You sort this kind of past life guilt tangle out by realizing that there are other boxes, but you didn't know them then. Love as deep as yours doesn't have to be sexual or confining. It's possible to love someone that powerfully without even being next to them or having a sexual relationship. However, you didn't know that so you did have sex. Looking back, it's possible to see that act as merely sharing a bond in a way that fits naturally, not an intrinsically evil choice that will bring down hellfire and eternal wrath upon your heads for the rest of your lives.

    *"Evil" is in controlling, manipulating, confinement, and abuse ... not in love, breaking traditional relationship patterns, or sex. It's possible to deeply and truly understand that and accept the misunderstanding for what it is without judgement, hanging onto guilt, or making it worse by believing you are trapped by the past.

    2) How people act comes out of previous experience, education, and belief. So if you put someone into a destructive situation they will learn how to cope with that destruction by adapting any way they can to reduce the pain inflicted by it. Some of those habitual adaptations, while amazingly helpful in the midst of abuse, become terribly destructive to relationship outside that abusive situation.

    **So maybe it's not about incest but about learning to set boundaries against abuse and learn to react in healthier ways instead of falling back on (once necessary) habits learned amid an abusive pattern that is no longer relevant to where you are now.

    (Also, See the comment on *evil above)

    3) It's completely understandable to be defensive and hard, to give in too easily to manipulation, and even to attack someone who seeks to control you. Those are natural reactions when feeling trapped and out of options. It takes someone with incredible strength, support, and endurance to remain free and whole amid an abusive relationship and to avoid becoming manipulative and destructive in response as a way to cope and reduce the pain. I doubt there are many souls out there who are advanced enough to stay healthy and stay together at the same time. It's almost (or maybe it simply IS) inevitable to take on shadow to stay closer to darkness.

    That's why setting boundaries and the ability to let others push you away as a legitimate reaction to abuse and manipulation are important life lessons to learn. You can become more shadowed and stay, or you can remain light and realize that light and darkness can't be that close together without a barrier in between them.

    (Once again, add the comment on *evil and **setting boundaries against abuse and learning healthier patterns to replace those learned amid abuse.)

    I hope this wasn't confusing. I've learned a lot of this from experience and the rest from listening to the insight of people who've been through intense experiences themselves.
     
  3. cel

    cel New Member

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    Thank you for your very well thought reply, I read it multiple times and I really didn't know what to answer.
    I didn't want to give the impression I was trying to dump my responsibilities on a past life, or vent randomly about the bad things I've done and been done with the reincarnation topic as an excuse. But it's hard, and maybe it would also be weird, to talk about situations like this without spending the majority of own's words about the necessity of self knowledge, responsibility and growth.

    This said, I will try to dig deeper. A couple days ago me and my therapist were talking about something completely different (my dreams, and they had no siblings, no past lives, nothing that could be literally brought back to my speculations) and he, who is usually very cautions when suggesting an interpretation, asked me out of the blue if I had a sibling (a twin, specifically) I didn't know of, maybe in the womb in the first weeks of life... and I didn't know what to reply.
     
  4. baro-san

    baro-san Active Member

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    1. In my opinion the cause doesn't matter. Please, see below my view on past life influences.
    2. There are many ways to learn about your past lives: past life regression with a good therapist, or self-hypnotic regression, etc..

    I believe that karma and reincarnation work toward balancing. If we don't learn what we're supposed to learn, then the situation repeats, but it isn't that we have to resolve a conflict with somebody; it is for us to experience the other side of a situation. If you're abused in this life, it is likely that this is the karmic reply to a past life in which you were the abuser. Sometimes those that abuse us in this life are random souls; other times a more advanced soul, that is close to us (up there), willingly takes a role that will incur some negative karmic traces for them, just to help us experience and learn our lesson.

    Don't overthink the "sex" thing! I believe it is only the physical part of us, and it means nothing for our souls, nothing over the reincarnations' span.
     
    Last edited: Nov 7, 2017
  5. Mere Dreamer

    Mere Dreamer Super Moderators Staff Member Super Moderator

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    I agree on this, to a point. Sex is a method of expressing character and inner growth. For different people the exact same behavior will have very different meanings and depth based on their intentions and attitudes.
     
  6. Mere Dreamer

    Mere Dreamer Super Moderators Staff Member Super Moderator

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    I hope you don't feel like I'm judging you as "trying to dump your responsibilities" or "vent randomly"... Sometimes I don't realize when my attempt to explain something uses words that someone else will read more personally.

    I wasn't speaking of you, specifically, but of possible experiences and views that anyone might experience in this context at some point. What I wrote was an attempt to give a wider perspective from which to approach your own experience, not an attempt to label or redefine what you're going through.

    I went through some very abusive relationships, and the thing I learned in the process of breaking free is that I have to own my emotional space, my thoughts, my attitudes, my choices, and my self.... The point is, the things I went through and the mistakes I made along the way came down to learning I can't control others' intentions or growth, but that I do have the ability to prevent anyone from turning me into their puppet or a component of their "machinations" in life. I don't have to merely be a victim because I can always choose how I face their choices, even when they destroy me.

    Past life choices or present life choices ... they all add up to learning experiences to inform future choices. There is no pattern of behavior or belief that you can't break down in retrospect to first benefit from what you learned and then choose a new pattern in the future. What you experience and know (even the painful part) is merely a process of growth, not some eternal judgement come back to haunt and control you.

    "Karma" is merely "patterns of behavior" only on a far larger, multiple-life scale.

    This is what you can do to shift "karma" in a single lifetime. (In my opinion, anyway.)
    1. see the pattern while looking back and identify the components of the problem
      (This is usually the victim/guilt/self-accusation/frantic denial stage, and people can get stuck there.)
    2. notice the pattern while you're enacting it and begin to explore other possibilities
      (This is where change begins.)
    3. catch yourself in the pattern and experiment with shifting how you think and react
      (This is where determination is most useful.)
    4. repeat step 3 until something works
      (This takes patience and awareness.)
    5. refine what works and notice what changes as a result
      (This takes the focus to both notice the changes and appreciate the good ones enough to become skilled.)
    6. catch the pattern before it starts and enact your changes
      (This is a natural, eventual result of all the previous work.)
    7. consciously maintain new pattern/habit that completely replaces the old
      (This is inevitable if one is persistent enough to stick with the process.)
    My point is that you don't need to know how many lifetimes of abusive relationships you've been in to change that pattern now. What you know now is plenty to grow through. And the more you blame yourself, the less energy you'll have to shift how you approach this next time. Focus on shifting the ideas that trapped you into the abusive relationship in the first place.

    You are the one that creates the key that opens the door to your tortured mental/spiritual/emotional cage. This is true for everyone. Nobody can hand you the key. They can only show you the one they constructed for themselves and hope it gives you clues to creating your own.
     
  7. DoingThingsWithAbby

    DoingThingsWithAbby New Member

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    I've experienced the same thing. A man who's not alive but was in several past lives with me, abused me using sex and pregnancy from the time we were both killed in the fall of atlantis, well, that Started it, and it was the life time after that that helped seed those behaviors in both our minds.
     

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