Down the Memory Lane

[SeekerOfKnowledge]

Now where to begin?

I do not feel comfortable yet to share everything I have seen. Or feel. Or think. Not that I wouldn't trust you. Not that it would be much either. Just single scenes, fragments and feelings from all over time and places. If I can tell the time and place at all, that is.

My first “real” memory including all senses I got about 20 years ago when I was experimenting with different meditation methods.

When I stepped through one of the doors, I suddenly found myself inside the body of a man. I could see my white laced sleeves under what probably was a dark blue velvet jerkin. I could see the tips of my shoulder-lenght dark brown or black hair. When looking down, I could see my slightly pointed shoes as well and the tight trousers I was wearing.

There was a chest with carvings to the right. And a curtained, relatively short bed close to the arched window in front of me. There might have been some other furniture on the left wall, not sure.

The room I was standing in was relatively small.

I went to the bed. There was a woman waiting for me.

We did it. Really! And I felt this, with all senses, as a man. Which is why this scene was so convincing. Never doubted that reincarnation is real afterwards.

(Thoughts were passing like clouds, one of them being: looks like I was rich, but I cannot have been “important”... who the heck was I... too bad, not the time period I had hoped for, but later and I was of the opposite gender, too....)

I probably got this so that it could convince me that reincarnation is real.

I am not so sure anymore about what I got later. I might have been influenced after all. And to me, personally, it just feels wrong to make assumptions unless they are based on something... “solid”?

Still might share one or the other scene or flashback here later. Or feeling, as sometimes it is just a feeling.

I haven't given up hope yet, that one day I might meet somebody with whom I am sharing memories.

 

[SeekerOfKnowledge]

The case of Evelyn

Got this from a self-regression. There are some problems with the info I got.

Evelyn Sanders or Summers, grew up in Dunville or Dunnville, moved to New York to become an actress, but ended up as a dancer in a bar. Was murdered, probably strangled. Followed a customer who promised her to help her out of her "career" when she was in her thirties and growing too old to dance half-naked.
I can see the garden, or rather: yard with the swing. I can see myself wearing a child's nightshirt at age 12 or so, like they were common from the early 1900's until my childhood in this life. I can see the street leading to the Methodist (?) church, clearly.

Problem is, that I also got something like "Grand Street". There are only two Dunvilles or Dunnvilles, and in neither of them you can find a Grand Street. I also couldn't find anything about an unsolved murder case concerning an Evelyn Sanders or Summers.

I am not sure about the time. Saw myself sitting on a bank before a window, in an entresol, like old houses sometimes have them. I could see the high heels and stockings or garters I was wearing. From their looks, it could be anything between the 1920's and the 1980's.

Is this a cover-up for something else? For something like WW2 (no memories yet, just very vague feelings) or Nam? Or was I Evelyn? How much can I trust my own memories? Can I trust them at all? Maybe the particular video I used just didn't work properly for me... I don't know. Still putting it here, just in case someone has heard of this Evelyn. While I do not have to prove anything to anyone, it would be nice to finally have a bit more than just a "could have been", just for myself. Sometimes the odds seem to point towards the direction that it is more likely that I am crazy than having actual memories. I do not like the idea that I am just crazy, of course.

Fact is, I cannot stand tight collars or anything too tight around my neck.

Still won't explain my feelings of guilt, shame and not deserving anything good I was suffering from for many years.

 

[Spirit Sword]

Write everything down as it comes to you. Try to process everything, but do not cling to any outcome.

Your information could be correct. The first post seems to be almost undeniably a past life memory. The second post is a bit more jumbled. This can happen sometimes when doing a regression session, especially if a recording is leading you in a different direction than your subconscious was trying to take you.

Even working with a therapist is not foolproof in this regard. I did one and was asked for a year. In the moments I was responding, my mind shot forward to a different memory than the one we had been exploring (but still within the same lifetime). That life being well-documented, it would seem that the information I supplied was false. It was a bit of a brain hiccup, but that does not mean that everything was wrong.

Sit with the information and see if there is anything that does not feel right, either to that specific lifetime, or to your lives in general.

 

[Spirit Sword]

In regards to your negative emotions, there may be a specific connection and there may not be. If the two do not seem connected to you, perhaps you did not see the right lifetime for that cause or perhaps it was only one contributing factor. I struggled with depression for many years. I have not found a specific past life where this definitely took root, but after examining the inciting incident that manifested it in this lifetime, I realized it was similar to events that have happened to me again and again over several incarnations. After all this time living with that repetitive pain, I believe I decided that I just had it coming.

I do see a pretty strong connection between the life of Evelyn and the feelings you described. Someone who lived with repetitive failures and unfulfilled dreams might have poor self-esteem and think themselves unworthy of success or positive attention. Someone who ended up in a profession that is socially unacceptable might feel guilt and shame. These feelings could very easily transfer to future incarnations, particularly those so near to each other chronologically. If that is the cause, you have to remember not to let it lend to a victim mindset. Just because something happened in a past life and there is nothing you can do to change the past, it does not mean you are stuck with any burden or that there is nothing you can do to change moving forward.

 

[SeekerOfKnowledge]

Thank you, Spirit Sword.

This is not everything I seem to remember. There are parts from other lives which took part earlier. Just had to start somewhere, and there still are memories (or what ever there are) I do not feel comfortable to share in the open (I have my reasons for that).

I recognized several patterns, and looks like I am already working on breaking one or the other.

As for using files, the one that worked best for me for awhile only guided me into trance state, but did not ask specific questions. I had to let the scenes come and ask the questions myself. Unfortunately, at a point, nothing came anymore.
I do not like files with too many or too specific questions. Or when they are coming too fast. I have checked several files, and I would need one that is general enough to make sense at any time, in any place and in any life situation.

Writing something out can help me remember more details. Or I get a dream or insight later that leads to new information.

 

[SeekerOfKnowledge]

There is a thunderstorm raging outside, and I just got what might be another flash.

It is dark, and I am being underground, yet still, I am horribly afraid of the thundering noise. I am putting my fingers into my ears. I am thinking of my Mom. I miss her. I should have told her. I am missing her cooking. I am a big boy already, but right now I wish she would hug me. I am close to crying, like a baby, even though I should not.
The name "Guilliaume" comes to mind, "Jack" in French. I am not good with names, but maybe this indicates that I am French.
I want to get out of here, I want it to end... I wish I... dunno... what I am doing here anyway? Maman, I miss you so much. Wish I was home with you, wish I had never left.
Who am I? Where am I? When am I? Well, I do have a general idea, but the strongest feeling remains that I miss you, Maman.

 

[Spirit Sword]

A very interesting memory. I think your translations might be a little off, though. From what I remember, Guilliame is William and Jacques is Jack. Perhaps it was a nickname?

 

[SeekerOfKnowledge]

A very interesting memory. I think your translations might be a little off, though. From what I remember, Guilliame is William and Jacques is Jack. Perhaps it was a nickname?

Dang! I should have known and normally know the most common names in different languages. Thank you a lot for correcting me. While it is really bugging me, I should forgive myself making that mistake.
So my name might have been William or not when I was missing my Mom so much. The thought of my Mom stands out here and how much I am missing her.

 

[Spirit Sword]

Do not hold it against yourself.

The connection to your mother in that life is rather natural. Do make sure that these feelings do not transfer over to your current life though.

 

[SeekerOfKnowledge]

I don't know what happened, why all this negativity is back. During my last self-regression, while most of it probably was fantasy, I felt so much happiness.
Soon after, a deep longing began, and a certain sadness. Right, I am missing people and times again I even don't remember properly. Not for the first time, and it will pass.
But why did all these negative feelings about myself come back? There was nothing negative during the regression. And I felt so happy when I pictured myself with these other people. Imagination or not, the happiness was real.
Same for the "spirit guide" part. Now that definitely was fantasy. But again, I was incredibly happy.
Only to find myself back in old patterns and close to depression a few hours later.

What the heck has happened?

 

[Mere Dreamer]

I was incredibly happy. Only to find myself back in old patterns and close to depression a few hours later.

I call this "identifying the gap" when it happens to me. Usually it's a sign of some quality I'm looking for in life. Having it temporarily feels so good, but then when that temporary experience comes to an end you realize how much you miss it. Some of the numbness from it being a perpetual problem is gone and you "feel" the lack more acutely.

On the one hand it's miserable. On the other, once you narrow down that specific quality it's easier to set your intentions on finding a similar experience that is more durable and fulfilling.

For me, the gap often becomes clear when I find a sense of community. I went to an art retreat after my divorce, and it was amazingly healing for me being surrounded by people who get my creative mindset and didn't judge me. When I got home I cried for a week because I realized how lonely I had been for years. That part was painful, but now that I know how important it is to me to hang out with people who appreciate my creativity and don't judge I filter everyone I meet by those criteria. It's amazing how much healthier my social circles are as a result, and even if I don't have that "ideal community" all in one place, I know that the people I spend the most time with are healing for me and not destructive like the people I had spent far too much time trying to please up until that point.

It's worth it to trace your emotions down to their cause and really look at the contrast between them. Also, if there really is no circumstantial reason to feel worse, it's worth looking into chemical imbalances and nutrition. Sometimes a drop in sugar or some other physical change affects your mood dramatically, and there are ways to combat those shifts once you know what causes them.

 

[SeekerOfKnowledge]

Thank you, Mere Dreamer.

Now, as I felt the happiness during a regression, it either is something I had in a past life and am missing now. Or there is something my subconscious or Higher Self tried to tell me about something I should work on in this life.
Well, there is nothing I can do about what others do and want and say. Like I cannot change the weather. All I can change is how I see the world and how I react to it. I had managed for awhile, and now I find it incredibly hard again. Like I find it incredibly hard again to forgive myself even the slightest mistake.
When I feel bad, it doesn't help anybody. No matter what I did and what I would "deserve" in the opinion of who ever, it doesn't help anybody. I am aware of that.

 

[Mere Dreamer]

Well, there is nothing I can do about what others do and want and say. Like I cannot change the weather. All I can change is how I see the world and how I react to it. I had managed for awhile, and now I find it incredibly hard again. Like I find it incredibly hard again to forgive myself even the slightest mistake. When I feel bad, it doesn't help anybody. No matter what I did and what I would "deserve" in the opinion of who ever, it doesn't help anybody. I am aware of that.

Are you surrounded by people who blame you outright, or guilt you into feeling bad? If not now, have you been surrounded by people who treat you this way in the past? In my experience, the inability to forgive yourself is often the result of being trained by the people in your life to always take the blame for everything, even if it's beyond your control. Based on what you said it sounds like you assume the full burden of blame for anything painful or awkward, and proceed to abuse yourself in the place of anyone else involved even if they don't treat you that way themselves. Of course, you get it multiplied if they join you in that attack.

I can almost guarantee that you do not expect other people to blame themselves in this way when they hurt you. In fact, you are probably quick to accept that a mistake was made or that the end result was unintentional, correct? And if they suggest that they were not at fault at all, well, you look for all the reasons they may be right in that perception and twist yourself in knots in order to forgive them. (If this is not the case, then you may blame them as harshly as you blame yourself, which is destructive in both directions. Either way, learning to let go of blame and look for healthier perspectives is vital.)

Can you step back from your perception of yourself as "the one at fault" for just a moment and look at yourself as if you were a good friend? What would you tell that friend?

Here is a thought that was very difficult for me to learn.

Real respect is based on truth. You can respect someone's flaws in exactly the same way you respect their strengths, because respect is responsive acceptance of who someone is and where they are in life.

Respect is not acceptance of their ideas or making excuses for them or idealizing them or serving them. It is simply creating a space in your idea of who someone might be that quickly adapts to who they actually are as you learn more about them. While you can't entirely avoid judgement, the judgement of respect is softened by the awareness that people are formed by the past and changed by the present, so there is always hope for a better future even if you must protect yourself from someone in the meantime.

Every good thing in this world is rooted in the acceptance, compassion, and creativity that grow from this kind of respect.

This means that everyone--including you--can use failure (even causing or experiencing the most painful, hurtful experiences) to educate themselves and grow.

Feeling bad is actually meant to help not only others, but yourself. The bad feeling is energy, and it has a use.

To blame yourself on repeat ends up blocking the chance to benefit from painful experiences because inner growth is the natural next step where we are meant to redirect the energy of regret. To only blame yourself can easily sabotage not only your chance to grow, but also others' chance to grow as well. To blame only yourself when others also hold responsibility in the matter is disrespectful of their capacity to learn and grow, too.

When you lie about your responsibility in a situation you sabotage your ability to respect yourself and others. When you take full blame for something that is not entirely your fault, you are ignoring truth. To recognize and keep in mind your good intentions does not automatically negate the experience of others. You can focus on comforting their pain while also feeling confident that you didn't intend to cause it, even when they don't understand that fact. To recognize that a problem was the result of a series of contributions on both sides is not going to turn you into a careless monster who doesn't take responsibility for your own part.

You can't change others, true. But you can refuse to allow them to push their own choices into your court as if you are to blame for them. And you can refuse to push your own responsibility onto them.

Let's say you say something that hurts them by accident. If they choose to respond by punching you in the face that is not "your fault." You are responsible only for the fact that you spoke words that ended up hurting them, not for how they act on their pain. If you were purposely trying to cause them pain, then you would also be responsible for your motive to hurt them, but not for the fact that they chose to punch you.

So lets say you regret unintentionally hurting them. To avoid being trapped in a cycle of regret and blame, you can take the pain of having hurt them and apply it according to the kind of person they demonstrate themselves to be. This takes skill, which is learned through practice.

The first step is to take responsibility and repair the damage if you can see a way to do so. "I can see my words hurt you, and I am sorry to have caused you pain. I didn't intend to communicate what you understood me to say. I meant this, instead." Note: This is not the same as taking the blame for the fact that they punched you. It is merely accepting the fact that their reaction demonstrates that what you said hurt.

Next, depending on their current state of being, your options for using the energy of regret can go in several directions.

• Use that energy to fuel getting away from an abusive situation. If hurting them sets off a cycle of abuse or blame (their choice of reaction to pain) where they continue to escalate and you find it very difficult to respond without causing further damage, often the best thing you can do to walk away (if it's a rare event) or end your relationship (if this happens all the time). This gives them less opportunity to practice their destructive choices and makes room in your life for relationships where a constructive reaction on your part can make a positive difference.
• Use that energy to fuel mutual empathy. If they are capable of having a conversation you can communicate until you both understand the other's motives and the root cause of their reaction. Maybe they were abused using that phrase in the past, so even though you meant something different than their abuser they were taken back into that history and lashed out in a way that they weren't safe enough to act on so back then. By communicating you can even begin to feel privileged to have received the reaction you did, even though it was painful, because sometimes trust is demonstrated by the release of emotions that would otherwise remain hidden. (This doesn't make them lashing out okay as a repeat response, just understandable.)
• Use that energy to fuel one-sided sympathy. If they don't have the skills to come to a mutual understanding it's still possible to understand them better if they're willing to communicate, or to explain yourself the best you can and hope it's enough to reduce the damage even if you can't eliminate it.
• Use that energy to improve your habits. In addition to the above, you can always direct the energy of regret into self improvement, even if there is no chance to apologize or communicate further in that particular situation.

Or, to reduce it down to the most basic concept.

Regret actually does "help anybody" when you use it wisely. The people who respect others will recognize the value in it and appreciate your regret as a result.

Your reputation is not you. Your past is not your present and it is even more definitely not your future. What others expect from you isn't necessarily what you are designed to offer in this lifetime. What others think you deserve is only their opinion, not ultimate truth to be enforced at all costs, especially if it means abusing yourself even when they aren't around to do it themselves. You can't "make" anyone heal, even if you're the one who hurt them. Others are responsible to use their pain to fuel growth, just as you are responsible to use your own pain for growth.

There is no such thing as "what you deserve" in life. There is only what you create with what you have. If you create growth toward healthier habits and relationships for your future, then you have applied regret wisely.

Each of us reclaims the value of pain by noticing and appreciating the improvements that growth creates.

(Edited for clarity.)

 

[SeekerOfKnowledge]

This is too long to quote.
Thanks a lot again.
To rephrase it: when I do not allow myself to grow and be happy, it doesn't help anybody, neither myself, nor others.
Today it is not so much blame, guilt and shame, but more a feeling of sadness and loss. And a certain uneasiness. There is absolutely no reason for that. All the people around me and the cat are alive and well.

I thought I had gotten over all this, but obviously I haven't. There still are patterns to overcome. What has caused this latest phase I do not know.

No, I do not expect others to blame themselves that way when they hurt me. I really hope they won't.
Holding a grudge would mean holding on to negative experiences. To let go, I must forgive.
Forgiving people who harmed me is relatively easy.
Forgiving people who harmed somebody I love or loved is much harder already.
Forgiving myself is hardest.
Now, when we are all connected and all here to learn, forgiveness and unconditional love is the key, of course. And I should not treat myself in any other way than I treat others. Already realized that giving others a better treatment than myself is the same as egoism, narcissism and what tyrants do, just the other way around.

Just that "Don't worry, be happy" or "forgive yourself and love yourself unconditionally, do not judge yourself" sometimes is easier said than done.

 

[Mere Dreamer]

Just that "Don't worry, be happy" or "forgive yourself and love yourself unconditionally, do not judge yourself" sometimes is easier said than done.

Yes. This is why it is a skill that takes consistent practice. I still get into the self-blame, uneasy discomfort cycle, too. The above message is what I tell myself and lists what I practice when I catch myself slipping.

I truly do not blame you for how you feel at all. It is a natural result of a history of difficult experiences and a lack of social training in this area. Our cultures all too often fail us in this regard. The fact that you have come far enough to recognize that there are alternatives and even to live them out some/most of the time is definitely something to celebrate and appreciate in yourself.

 

[SeekerOfKnowledge]

I am with my Mom atm. While we were talking, she mentioned, that at age 5 or 6 or so, when she was teaching me words in Italian, I was learning them incredibly fast.
English is not my native language. It was long after school, yet still... English came to me kinda naturally, including "Shakespearean" English.
I am still having trouble with French. Had it in school much longer than English. Yet medieval French poetry or song lyrics I sometimes can read and understand.
Reading Spanish is hard, but I sometimes can read and understand old song lyrics.
Latin I had in school, and I sometimes can read stuff but sometimes can't.
Same with words in Ancient Greek. I sometimes can read them, but only sometimes. Never had it in school.

Might be RL-related or not. Who cares, anyway...

 

[SeekerOfKnowledge]

Instead of starting a new thread, I might as well continue here.

Yesterday I tried a guided meditation for regression and it lead me back to my life as a poor boy in the 9th century.

I am always having issues with my name and dates, I was Jack or John, but 887 probably is the year of my Birth, not the year I began working.

What surprised me was that one of my issues (being forced into a role or job that does not suit me, not being able to use my talent) was reoccurring here. Thinking of skills or your "calling" is a luxury, of course, when you are fighting for survival. Still, this is one of my issues. I NEVER seem to have found my true "calling" and used the skills I have been given. For all different reasons imaginable, and be it that the thought simply never occurred to me that I could have done something different (like in my tribal life, even though it seemed to be a happy one). Or be it that I confused my real "calling" with what society, my parents or teachers or my ego issues made me think was my own ideal.

Now, in that particular life, my work was making girdles mostly. Only occasionally I had to sew or repair some kind of shoes. My "greatest skill" was imagination, creativity and a beautiful voice, though. As when asked for it, I saw myself singing for my sick mother. Needless to say that I had no means to use my "greatest skill", even more so as I was uneducated and couldn't even write my own name.

Blame, coming from a responsibility too heavy. At age 9 or even younger, I had to be the food provider for my Mom and my siblings (whom I didn't see, but knew were there). The man who took me in could be very strict, I rarely ever could do anything right for him. Only once or so, I had made a perfect girdle, that day he even gave me a coin, not just a basket with food. I got "fired" when he married a woman who did not want me. She provoked a situation where... don't know exactly, what happened, but in the end, the man whom I was working for had a reason to dismiss me. Now I have been in a very similar situation in this life. I lost a job (nothing that I really wanted to do, but it hurt anyway) not because I did not work hard enough, but because somebody wanted to get rid of me for personal reasons (my Bosses ex-husband had suggested me, and she was at war with him) and provoked a situation where I reacted as planned, thus giving a reason to be fired.

I died at age 12 or so, my Mom and siblings were already gone.

Now it is not that I would have been suffering all this life. It was hard and short, but thanks to being so naive that it was almost wise, I firmly believed that I will go to paradise after death. I never questioned my role in society and thus never felt frustrated because others were rich while I was poor.

Something else I realized is that those at the very "top" of the social ladder often experience similar issues as those at the very "bottom" which is lack of personal freedom. And a certain heavy responsibility, as when you are starving poor and have family, the members of your family who cannot work themselves will rely on you. They will die if you don't manage to provide enough food. I seem to have seen both ends and both extremes.

Might continue here with patterns and lessons and personal thoughts.

 

[Antigone]

Thank you for sharing your feelings and thoughts. I think it can be difficult to share such personal feelings, but I hope sharing has helped you and perhaps given you some support. I also think you have some strong stories and memories here, which are not only interesting, but moving and impactful.
I do not have any wise advice, but I thought I might try to help a little bit with your Evelyn memories in regards to the era. Stockings and shoes actually might be able to tell you more than might be assumed. Did the stockings have a back seam? If so, it was most likely pre-1940s/early 50s. In the 1940s though, many women did not wear stockings due to war rationing, so I might suggest very early 50s, 1930s, or 1920s depending on the thickness. If the stockings are thicker, they are most likely earlier. Also, were the shoes with a heel? Flatter shoes might be more difficult to date, but heeled shoes had a distinct evolution for each decade from the 1920s to 1980s. I do not know if you remember enough to apply this to what you saw, but it may be useful if you see the memory again and still do not know tbe era. I do not know if this will really help you at all, but, I truly do appreciate your sharing.

 

[SeekerOfKnowledge]

Thank you very much for reading and commenting, Antigone!

The shoes had heels, that much I still know. Some kind of "timeless" pumps with heels. I remember that something made me think that I would have been born between the two big wars, and that when I saw my legs, this was the 1950's or something.
Now my problem is, that later I got something else which would be overlapping, and I definitely do not believe in parallel lives. I sometimes do not know what is real anyway. "Evelyn" lacks emotion, somehow. But "Andrew" isn't as traumatizing as he should be... (maybe he is just the tip of the iceberg and some kind of "turning point", no idea...)
Of course Evelyn could have lived a bit earlier. Once I got a 2-second scene playing over and over again, it was a crowded street in the 1930's (clothing and hairstyles suggested that). Just that the street lights were off. In the big American cities they had these "walk" and "don't walk" signs, but the street lights here were more like what I know from my childhood in this life, just a bit more old-fashioned. The clothing looked typical for the U.S., though (there ARE small differences), so I don't know where that was. Just saw it like a 2-second video loop anyway, I had no body I was aware of.
So far I found no trace that any of these people ever existed. Does not mean they didn't, of course. I would have thought that anything from the 20th century would be easier to disprove or validate than earlier lives. Turned out they aren't. I don't have much here anyway, not enough information for a more specific search, and most of my memories are from the Middle Ages.

 

[glia21]

Hi Seeker,
I also have some problems with timeline when I´m remembering things.. then sometimes I wake up and have some new knowledge and I don´t know why or how. I suppose that sometimes I might mix up things too, like take the first name of a close person and combine it with the last name of another one. When trying to verify things it won´t work due to this mistake. Some images I get may also be wishful thinking, like something I had on my mind and was daydreaming about in my PL but in reality it didn´t really happen.
So is it possible you were reading this story about Evelyn, in your PL?
I remember in my PL I liked to read this kind of stuff, it was magazines like "True detective" and such, in the 40ies and 50ies mostly. Wild guess of course.

Today I woke up with some crazy mixed up memories, and the song "Dizzy" on my mind.
I was having lunch with a cop who looked me in the eye and told me I ought to look more like a villain, for he (? someone else) is trying to catch me for so long now and I`m just too nice looking.

-- Concerning jobs, the real calling - I´m not the fortunate one too. I´m still looking for something real that I can keep a little longer than usually.

 

[SeekerOfKnowledge]

Thank you, glia.

I once got the name "Ronald" instead of "Roland", and even Roland was not my name, but referred to a book I loved back then (a little longer ago).
Things I was afraid of in a past life, but never happened... already had that. Thought I was getting crazy at first, because it made zero sense. Well, as a personal nightmare of a past time person, it does make sense.

Things sometimes can be confusing, but eventually, we will sort them out.

 

[Klaud]

Instead of starting a new thread, I might as well continue here.

Yesterday I tried a guided meditation for regression and it lead me back to my life as a poor boy in the 9th century.

I am always having issues with my name and dates, I was Jack or John, but 887 probably is the year of my Birth, not the year I began working.

What surprised me was that one of my issues (being forced into a role or job that does not suit me, not being able to use my talent) was reoccurring here. Thinking of skills or your "calling" is a luxury, of course, when you are fighting for survival. Still, this is one of my issues. I NEVER seem to have found my true "calling" and used the skills I have been given. For all different reasons imaginable, and be it that the thought simply never occurred to me that I could have done something different (like in my tribal life, even though it seemed to be a happy one). Or be it that I confused my real "calling" with what society, my parents or teachers or my ego issues made me think was my own ideal.

Now, in that particular life, my work was making girdles mostly. Only occasionally I had to sew or repair some kind of shoes. My "greatest skill" was imagination, creativity and a beautiful voice, though. As when asked for it, I saw myself singing for my sick mother. Needless to say that I had no means to use my "greatest skill", even more so as I was uneducated and couldn't even write my own name.

Blame, coming from a responsibility too heavy. At age 9 or even younger, I had to be the food provider for my Mom and my siblings (whom I didn't see, but knew were there). The man who took me in could be very strict, I rarely ever could do anything right for him. Only once or so, I had made a perfect girdle, that day he even gave me a coin, not just a basket with food. I got "fired" when he married a woman who did not want me. She provoked a situation where... don't know exactly, what happened, but in the end, the man whom I was working for had a reason to dismiss me. Now I have been in a very similar situation in this life. I lost a job (nothing that I really wanted to do, but it hurt anyway) not because I did not work hard enough, but because somebody wanted to get rid of me for personal reasons (my Bosses ex-husband had suggested me, and she was at war with him) and provoked a situation where I reacted as planned, thus giving a reason to be fired.

I died at age 12 or so, my Mom and siblings were already gone.

Now it is not that I would have been suffering all this life. It was hard and short, but thanks to being so naive that it was almost wise, I firmly believed that I will go to paradise after death. I never questioned my role in society and thus never felt frustrated because others were rich while I was poor.

Something else I realized is that those at the very "top" of the social ladder often experience similar issues as those at the very "bottom" which is lack of personal freedom. And a certain heavy responsibility, as when you are starving poor and have family, the members of your family who cannot work themselves will rely on you. They will die if you don't manage to provide enough food. I seem to have seen both ends and both extremes.

Might continue here with patterns and lessons and personal thoughts.

Being the sole provider is hard, especially when you're so young. No child should have to do things like that. During my life in England, I got myself killed during the civil war and my family were left to fend for themselves. It's doubtful they made it very long, and that kind of guilt was absolutely crushing.

If it makes you feel any better, most of my past selves have been lost to time. There's no way to search for them due to a lack of record keeping and over all significance.

 

[SeekerOfKnowledge]

I can relate to that guilt, Klaud. Once I got a scene where I was lying in the mud, dying... and felt remorse and guilt because I left people behind.

Good to know I am not alone with this, even though I would wish everyone to be able to validate. We still can check odd details for if something like that actually existed or might have existed in the time period in question. Either lack of record or lack of information in my case. Without a last name you will have a hard time to find anybody even in the 20th century. Well, maybe one day. Who knows, sometimes weird "coincidences" occur...

 

[Klaud]

I can relate to that guilt, Klaud. Once I got a scene where I was lying in the mud, dying... and felt remorse and guilt because I left people behind.

Good to know I am not alone with this, even though I would wish everyone to be able to validate. We still can check odd details for if something like that actually existed or might have existed in the time period in question. Either lack of record or lack of information in my case. Without a last name you will have a hard time to find anybody even in the 20th century. Well, maybe one day. Who knows, sometimes weird "coincidences" occur...

That odd bit of detail was actually how I found my life in England. I saw a few glimpses of myself, but had no idea where and when it was until I found myself thinking about the 'King's War' (my knowledge of English history outside of colonialism and the revolutionary war with America is pretty much zilch) or the English Civil War as it's more commonly known. Never did catch his name, but at least there's a timeframe. never get the names for some reason lol.

Supposedly the Akashic records will tell you enough to validate your memories.

 

[SeekerOfKnowledge]

Some days ago I tried an experiment when I could not fall asleep immediately.
I have no idea how reliable the results are, considering the fact that during the last 20 years the amount of information and influences available all the time has increased a lot.

I "thought" of a year in the 1980s and noted which memory/idea/thought/image came first and went backwards year by year. Memories from my teenage time and childhood came.
Ah, yes, that bracelet with "1978" written on it, I loved it and wore it all the time... the girl with the curly hair, our kitchen, our bathroom, Mom telling me that Daddy will come... when I was about 2.
Of course I already knew all of this. Interesting, though, how I suddenly remembered again.

1970 - velvety darkness and a soft light (was born in 1971)
1969 - people running and shooting, battle noises...
1968 - me dressed in olive green, cleaning a shotgun, problem was: the gun was a double barreled shotgun and looked way too old-fashioned... (googled yesterday, though, and found out that such a type of gun was used indeed), the feeling that I am about 20 years old (which would set the year of my birth to 1947 or 1948).
1967 and back to around 1962 - songs of that time going round in my head, the usual ones which I already mentioned, a girl with blonde hair, sometimes black hair (with that poofy hairstyle, so that it could have been a wig) and blue eyes...

I do not mean to deny, but I also do not mean to "claim" anything that might be my all too vivid imagination as that would make me feel like an impostor. I can never be sure, so... I just list here from time to time what I get and share my experiences.

 

[KenJ]

I did exactly that last month, but couldn't could not get a prior life. But, I seemed to remember being outside under a tree in my bassinet with the sun flashing in my eyes as the wind moved the leaves; the thing that makes it seem incorrect is that I 'hear' my mother instructing my sister to cover my eyes. Definitely going back to the 1930's!

 

[glia21]

Hi seeker! I tried this last night but fell asleep only reaching the late 1990ies I'll definitly try again soon -- nevertheless the results were already interesting.
My way of remembering is quite unusual, these days every now and then I use to wake up with another bit of knowledge and I cannot explain nor understand how this works. For my otherwise analytical mind it is a mystery why I believe what I seem to know?! Confusing!
Lately I feel a creepy sensation too - of my pl boy hugging me. It started after watching the new robert redford movie. I feel his breath, his hair on my neck... missing him terribly. He was born in 1948.
This feeling of a loss makes not much sense at all since I'm busy with my own kids.
Songs released 1967 have a strong impact on me as well.

 

[SeekerOfKnowledge]

WARNING: This gonna be a bit long, so read at own risk. Don't wanna steal other people's time.

Did a self-regression last night and now write it down before I forget it.
I have serious doubts (as always), but it COULD be, of course.
Thought I'd just share. Maybe others find it interesting or even helpful.

I was using THIS guided med on youtube:

(I was to meet my Spirit Guide at a campfire, receive a gift from them, then was sent to and asked about several scenes from a PL, just to explain what my notes refer to. My notes my not be in the same order as the questions appeared in the regression.)

Spirit Guide: looks like the wandering cliché of a wise old man.
Long white beard, wearing a long white garment

Me: Are you my Spirit Guide?
He (with a smile/grin): No. (One of my guides has a weird sense of humor and likes to provoke me and make me think. That one also dislikes to be called „guide“ or „spirit“ and would advise me not to listen to him.)

His name: Soclos
My spirit name: Soclos
(Understood „so close“ as „Soclos“ earlier on and went WTF... would be much like THAT guide to tell me that way that his name and my spirit name don't matter at the moment.
Found out that „Soclos“ appears in Medieval German fiction and means something in Spanish and Portuguese, but I have no idea what it means.

Gift he gave me: A black and white bird feather.

First PL scene: I am barefeeted, wearing a simple long garment. I am female (so not a monk).
I am in a square room maybe 5 by 4 meters? Maybe bigger. I suck at guessing the size of a room. Not tiny, but also not large.
The floor is blank stone. There is a window through which I can see a landscape. There is a table with a handful of books.
I feel a bit lost, if anything.

The meal: Food was some very soft meat with a sauce. Slight cinnamon aroma, also a hint of pepper.
I was eating from a plate, using a very small knife. I was sharing the plate with a bearded man (maybe in his late 20's to early 30's) who remotely looked like my current husband. At least his smile and facial expression. And eyes. He seemed to have something on his head, at that point I was about to quit, but it wasn't a crown, so I just let things come.
(Yet I wonder what it was he had on his head... strange...)
It came to me that he was my husband, his name was Jerome (maybe Gerome) and my name was Agatha.
He was wearing a red overcoat over something in another color (either dark green or dark blue), I was wearing some veil/headdress, a bit like a nun.
There were tables in the common tight U-form, with me and my husband sitting at the head. There were maybe 20-30 other people eating.
The room was just large enough for the tables, not that much space left.
If I have seen any fancy decorations, I don't remember.

Year: 1174 (what I got, but looked even older, Jeromes hair, beard and clothing seem to match, though)
Place: Aquitaine? Ang... V... wtf... OK, France. Always felt more drawn to England during that period, but fine.

My work: Nothing. Or rather: I was in a room very similar to the one in the first scene. Saw myself writing with a quill. The feather looked very similar to the one my spirit guide had given me. Seemed that I didn't have much to do, so I wrote for leisure (?).
(Which is very unusual for a woman of that era who was NOT a nun or high noble.)
That moment I noticed the keys on a belt around my hips.
Then I saw myself pregnant.
Did I like what I was doing? Indifferent. It was my place and what I COULD do.
The small castle (considering the size of the dining „hall“, if it was a castle, it can't have been that large) or countryside house (but definitely built of stone) seemed to be on a small hill (the ground was just a bit too far down for just being in a tower). From the window I saw a meadow and a river and a forest in the distance.
The vague feeling that my husband was away often so I had to manage everything in the house/castle.

Best day: I am in a bed, half lying, half sitting, holding a baby in my arms. My husband is standing next to the bed, bending over, smiling. I can see and feel how much he loves me and how happy he is.
Don't know if the baby was a boy or girl. Either I was so happy because it was a boy or because my husband was happy even though it was „only a girl“.

Worst day: I am in a dark, round room, my left foot is chained to the wall. There is straw on the floor.
High above (several meters) there is a very small window.
I have no idea what happened and how I got there. Or what happened to my husband. Or what I, maybe have done.
Why was this day so bad? Er... because I was imprisoned? And had no idea if I ever would get out again. And no idea what was going on outside.

Moment of death: Didn't see a thing and barely felt anything. No idea where I was. I was lying, in embryo position. I was reaching out with my hand (or at least trying), but no one took it. Looks like I was alone. And blind. And half-way gone already. I felt relief rather than fear. No idea if I died in that prison or in a bed. I couldn't see a thing and barely noticed my surroundings, it can have been anywhere. Maybe there even WERE people near.
Age: felt like 70-80 first, but also may have been 50-60.

Meeting my PL self at the campfire:
She was wearing a red-and-blue dress and a white veil/headdress like it would be typical for that era. Her face, when looking at her from the outside, reminded me a bit of my current Mom. (Who, of course, looks a bit like me.)

Life Lesson from Agatha: Do YOUR thing and trust yourself more than anybody else.
From my guide: Question your values and beliefs on a daily basis, but trust yourself more than anybody else.

Now the life lesson itself definitely makes sense. It is what I am currently working at.

The rest... I don't know.

Would be nice if I could validate this. Gonna be hard, though.
If Jerome and Agatha existed, chances are very low that anything has been recorded AND survived the centuries.
Lesser nobility, obviously (stone house or castle, didn't have to do body work, we owned a couple books...), but not high nobility (they would have lived in a larger place) and probably not „important“ enough to be known to anyone.
As for the small castle or countryside house, I only saw it from the inside, so I will have a hard time to locate it, even if it still exists (if it existed at all, that is).
There was a Saint Jerome in the 4th century or so and a Saint Agatha in the 3rd, so these names will have been very popular as people in the Middle Ages often named their kids after saints. So, at least, the first names DO make some sense.

Noted and kept for storage, just in case I can find out more later.

 

[SeekerOfKnowledge]

Detailed? Not really. I just wrote everything down early enough. It also wasn't one of these fancy "Ultra HD" scenes where you actually SEE things in high detail, more that I pictured things with my inner eye. Like when you try to remember how your Christmas tree looked like.

It doesn't tie with anything. It's a new one. Wish I could address a life from which I already have memories, but then, part of these guided meds is that you just let it come. Won't work otherwise. And now I'm kinda curious to learn more about this Agatha. There are some large gaps. The good thing here is that I'm not too attached yet. Just curious, a bit like a historian or someone who reads a book.

I don't remember a thing I didn't mention, not even my parents. So if I met a minstrel, I don't know.

Ah, well, maybe, one day, I will find out more.

 

[fireflydancing]

Wow, that was really interesting to read. I know how difficult it is to grasp images and bring them to the surface. I often get very distracted by small details, which prevents me from getting a bigger oversight of scenes.
Of course, you're interested in knowing and filling in the gaps. You say you feel detached to that life (probably no unfinished threads) but I do wonder if there are no slight emotions you can feel right now? It sometimes works for me to dive into such emotions to enter again a certain possible past life (in a meditative state of mind).