My Past Life Research

[Totoro]

Hi all! You may or may not have noticed I pulled my old thread from the forum. After many years of research and updating, it got a little hard to read. I'm going to clean it up and re-write it into something a little more informative and cohesive.

I've been meaning to do it for a while and it's finally time to tackle that to do list! I hope you enjoy and will read along with me as I continue to update!

Index


My Soul Research
Dreams and tarot card readings

 

[SeaAndSky]

Hi Totoro,

Actually, that sounds like a good idea. I may pull mine and do the same. There is not nearly as much "substance" on mine as on yours, but I would still like to clean it up and eliminate a lot of things that don't actually add a lot (factually speaking). However, I think I'll wait to see how you do yours.

Cordially,
S&S

PS--I'll probably save everything first, just to make sure I don't make a deletion of something I wanted to keep.

 

[Ocean]

Looking forward to it!

 

[Totoro]

Hi Totoro,

Actually, that sounds like a good idea. I may pull mine and do the same. There is not nearly as much "substance" on mine as on yours, but I would still like to clean it up and eliminate a lot of things that don't actually add a lot (factually speaking). However, I think I'll wait to see how you do yours.

Cordially,
S&S

PS--I'll probably save everything first, just to make sure I don't make a deletion of something I wanted to keep.

I have my whole old tread archived! I think thats a must is some kind of back up. The main thing to me is I want to rewrite it add depth, but also connect all the bits and pieces that have occurred through disjointed conversations throughout the thread. I also feel like some things actually got left out, as they occurred in other threads on the board and if I were to tell the story from front to back, so to speak, they're things I'd want to include.

I'd like to read yours! Keep me up to date!

 

[fireflydancing]

Hey Totoro,

I understand what you're trying to do. Perhaps this might be a job for myself as well. When the years pass by, a lot of information could be added. I stopped doing this, making a new post for small new insights. I know for myself, I usually tell myself.
To me, the most interesting things are the correlations between the separate lives.

 

[SeaAndSky]

Hi Totoro,

What do you mean by "Archived"?

Cordially,
S&S

PS--Mine is linked below, but its not only very sketchy, its a mess!

http://reincarnationforum.com/threads/memories-of-early-theosophists.5570/

 

[Totoro]

Hi Totoro,

What do you mean by "Archived"?

Cordially,
S&S

PS--Mine is linked below, but its not only very sketchy, its a mess!

http://reincarnationforum.com/threads/memories-of-early-theosophists.5570/

Just backed up somehow, is all I meant. Maybe copy and past pictures, text to a word processing document or something you can save on your computer?

 

[Totoro]

So I'm sitting at the beach (during red tide nonetheless, my oversight) and for the first time in a long time, I'm experiencing gender dysphoria.

All the young girls are posing for pictures during the sunset, their hair swooshing around in the wind and I feel jealous, like something isn't right.

It's been years since I felt that way. Doing all my research and coming to the conclusion that I made this choice for the sake of my son almost completely erased it.

I hope it's only temporary.

 

[Totoro]

As a pet project when I have time, I've been trying to delve into my soul a bit to figure out or understand who or what I am and what role I play in the larger scheme of things.

I had made a post earlier where I had done a 3 card tarot reading for myself and I very clearly saw that someone had died by drowning and indeed, not far from my house, a body was pulled from a river two weeks previous. So that lead me to think I may help lost souls transition after passing. It's normal for me to have out of body experiences while I'm sleeping; they've been occurring since I was very young.

Somewhere in the mean time, I did another 3 card drawing on myself and I can't recall the middle card, but the other two were the hierophant and the emperor.

So this morning, I had two dreams. The first, I was discussing our past lives in China with my friend's sister. She was showing me photographs and a name of something that was spelled out to me. I tried searching on it, but nothing immediate came up. Maybe it time, the meaning will be revealed.

The second dream is one I've had a couple times before, but with extra information added. In this one, I'm wearing a nightgown sort of thing and several rings made out of different materials: wood, metal, stone and some kind of plastic. This is an out of body experience, so I'm freely flying above a walled city that is on fire, possibly after some sort of attack. The buildings inside the walled city look like middle eastern or possibly medieval wooden buildings. As I fly about, I'm trying my best to extinguish the fires by blowing them out and I think to myself, "I am an instrument of god's will".

I stop to hover over the top of the wall for a moment and a older woman, dressed in a 1940's-ish brown herringbone skirt suit. She approaches me and addresses me by my first name (my real name in this life) and I was shocked that she knew it. She then launches into some kind of biblical discussion and I thought to myself "Wow you must be some kind of bible nerd!". I can't recall anything she said other than "remember the 110".

A quick search reveals psalm 110, which seems to refer back to my 3 card tarot reading about the duality of kings and priests. As for right now, that just seems to be more confirmation that most of my past lives have either been as leader or religious figures. More research is obviously needed.

Index

 

[SeaAndSky]

Hi Totoro,

I think you have had at least one active life as a male military leader. When I hear "110" associated with what seems to be a scene of battle, I started wondering if there had been any wars going on in 110 AD in the Middle East. There were some important things taking place, but nothing seemed to be right on point. I next checked 110 BC and found the following:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jugurthine_War

The war involved the Roman Republic vs. Numidia in North Africa (modern Algeria), and more prominently, a Roman Consul named Spurius Postumius Albinus:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spurius_Postumius_Albinus_(consul_110_BC)

Interestingly, the article on the war states that:

"[Albinus took] command of the Roman army in Africa (110 BC), but failed to carry out energetic action, due to incompetence, indiscipline in his army, and – it was alleged – bribery by Jugurtha."

Could this have anything to do with what you've seen?

Cordially,
S&S

 

[Totoro]

Hi Totoro,

I think you have had at least one active life as a male military leader. When I hear "110" associated with what seems to be a scene of battle, I started wondering if there had been any wars going on in 110 AD in the Middle East. There were some important things taking place, but nothing seemed to be right on point. I next checked 110 BC and found the following:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jugurthine_War

The war involved the Roman Republic vs. Numidia in North Africa (modern Algeria), and more prominently, a Roman Consul named Spurius Postumius Albinus:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spurius_Postumius_Albinus_(consul_110_BC)

Interestingly, the article on the war states that:

"[Albinus took] command of the Roman army in Africa (110 BC), but failed to carry out energetic action, due to incompetence, indiscipline in his army, and – it was alleged – bribery by Jugurtha."

Could this have anything to do with what you've seen?

Cordially,
S&S

Hi S&S!!!

Hi Totoro,

I think you have had at least one active life as a male military leader.

At least one yes! I've had research into other lives, but I haven't really made solid ground on them yet, so I haven't posted about them, but from that research, I would say a lot of my lives have been military or religious, like we were talking about.

Could this have anything to do with what you've seen?

I'm going to condense here for the sake of brevity. I read through the links you posted and I don't really connect with anything, just yet. If I'm right about my other past lives, I would be alive somewhere else during that time, but not totally uninvolved with what was going in, in north africa.

I'd like to thank you for taking the time to research that! I really do appreciate it.

I'm still inclined to think that 110 refers to psalm 110, about the duality of a king priest. My son went to his friend's house for the weekend and I was able to have some alone time. I purposely didn't listen to the radio in the car or have other distractions going on, to keep me from "tuning in" so to speak.

Tonight, I had a good opportunity to talk to the other side and it was frustrating and unproductive. As you can see by the tarot spread below, once again, I returned the emperor and the hierophant, the duality of king and priest. Judgement refers to rebirth and from there, you can clearly see the cards leading to the birth of my son, the reason and choice in my gender for this life. Suffice it to say, I already know everything I need to.

 

[SeaAndSky]

Hi Totoro,

I'm really interested in Tarot, but not an adept. I would really appreciate it if you would explain the inverted "L" lay-out and what meaning you derive from each card step-by-step in order. For example, rebirth is pretty clear in terms of rising from the grave, and a couple in "The Lovers" followed by the "Sun" card with the little boy seems clear enough, but I don't understand how to read the card above the lovers to lead to a male lifetime, etc.

Thanks,
S&S

 

[Totoro]

S&S, good morning!

All I'm doing, is just having a conversation, question and response, moving from left to right. I'm not 100% sure when I did it, but at some point I stopped doing the traditional layouts with positions that have particular meanings. In that way, you can maybe consider it a series of single card draws.

I deleted part of my post over the weekend. I just didn't want to seem like I was whining or complaining. I'm at a sort of crossroads with my life. My son is requiring less care and for the first time in my life (possibly) everything is ok. It's no secret, for those of you that have read my last thread, that I've dealt with gender confusion my whole life. As S&S and I were discussing, most of my lives have been male simply because of their ability to get things done as leaders. I personally see gender as a spectrum and I fall on the female side, but closer to the middle.

I've spent my whole life learning to hide natural mannerisms, like swiping (nonexistent) hair off my face or behind an ear. For the most part, I'm fine and I can live my life normally on a daily basis, but when I'm alone sometimes and especially now during this crossroads period, I can kind of fall apart. I don't think I live my life any different way from a "normal" woman, I just can't go home from hiking or working on a crafty project for the house and put my hair up. Overall though, I try to avoid discussions about me being transgender and things as I'm here for my son and that's not what I want for him.

Anyway, that brings me back to what we were talking about. In the midst's of this frustrated, emotional moment, I had asked what am I, why am I here, which are questions I'm quite sure we all deal with. The emperor and hierophant were answers to those questions. I've gotten them before and that really should conclude my query in that direction, directly at least. I need to do more research to clearly understand what they mean, but that's another discussion!

I have read though, that the judgment card can also be interpreted as a signal, that someone wants to communicate with you or send you a direct message, so to speak and from my use and interpretation of it that way, I have found it to work that way for me. When I want to focus on a particular card or the particular meaning of it etc, I start dealing down, directly below that card, You can kind of think of it like bullet points, helping to organize the overall conversation.

Most of the cards I deal are major arcana. They have obvious meanings and are relatively easy to read. Minor arcana in contrast are hard to read because they require a lot of context and subjective reading. The six of pentacles usually has connotations of giving, charity, repayment and can often be related to past lives, as that's one of the interpretations of the scales (other than literal fairness, justice and so on). To me, the meaning was readily apparent: you got what you asked for. I "just knew" that, but for a more technical explanation, I would say there's no reason to make any assumption about the characters on the card. With all of that stripped away, it's simply a case of one person asking something of another and them then receiving what they asked for. And so I got what I asked for, this is what I wanted.

I'm ok with that, for the most part. But I choose to do it, for my son. That's what parents do I suppose, but we often think that everything is about us, when it may not be. We don't have the whole picture in front of us. We may think wow my life sucks, but not realize what our parents chose to do for us, what we may be choosing to do for others. There's much more to it than a simple woe is me.

But anyway, I'm often frustrated in my research. I don't often come across anything I don't or didn't already "know", but I have been able to prove and validate some of it. There's still vast areas of dark and empty "knowing" that I'm still probing, I guess to at least prove to myself I'm not crazy. It can feel like a burden at times to not have the proper context or even memories of things I know.

I hope that answered your question though! And as always, feel free to ask me for more detail on anything.

 

[SeaAndSky]

Hi Totoro,

Thanks for such a great answer to my queries.

First, I agree with your approach to the lay-out issue and the question and answer format. I have looked at that type of thing in various books online and only get confused. The question and answer format is the logical way to go from my standpoint. I also instinctively sensed why there was a sudden 90 degree turn there (as it seemed natural to do that in order to clarify a point), but wanted to get your confirmation.

I love the artwork from the Rider-Waite deck, but my instincts in terms of which version to use gravitates to the earliest ones (such as the Marseille Tarot Trumps). I have mostly read about the Tarot Trumps in the context of a possible Cathar connection and think there is a chance that this exists. In this regard, they would have functioned like learning cue cards with each card standing for certain doctrinal points or ideas. However, their meaning and the exact way they might have been presented or laid out (from a pedagogical standpoint) by the Cathars is not clear, though there are some intriguing theories and ideas out there. The numbering gives a big clue on the latter, but doesn't necessarily mean that they formed a simple sequence.

Anyhow, there is about a century from the extermination of the last known Cathars in Italy and the beginning of the Tarot decks, but that would not be inconsistent with the idea of a connection, as the imagery could have been developed by those remnants hiding in deep stealth to try and hold onto their own teachings in a way that would not arouse suspicions of anything but sloth and related vices in the eyes of ecclesial authorities--i.e., disguised as part of a deck of playing cards. Ok, that was a long digression. So, back to the topic--

Second, how do you use the major vs. minor arcana? (Remember I am a neophyte in terms of using them for "divination" as I have mostly been studying theories related to a Cathar connection). The ordinary cards greatly outnumber the trumps. So I would have expected them to predominate if you were drawing from a simple mixed deck. However, you only have one number card vs. five trump cards, so I suspect you are doing something different. Do you just separate them out and draw from one deck or the other as you feel guided?

Third, you have just described what is often referred to as Mid-life crisis, though that term doesn't really do justice to the variation in onset, duration, intensity or content involved, nor does it bring in the gender issues discussed. For some this crisis seems to be intense but short lived = acute. For others (like me) it is a chronic condition with early onset and continuing impact. It fades into the background for a time (especially when very busy or driven by need) but always seems to come roaring back sooner or later (to one degree or another) and is in many respects just a continuation of issues going back to childhood and continuing to accumulate over time (whoever said that "a rolling stone gathers no moss" is wrong ). However, I will say that some issues are fading with the years though others have become even more intense.

Fourth, I love your approach to interpretation: "The six of pentacles usually has connotations of giving, charity, repayment and can often be related to past lives, as that's one of the interpretations of the scales (other than literal fairness, justice and so on). To me, the meaning was readily apparent: you got what you asked for. I "just knew" that, but for a more technical explanation, I would say there's no reason to make any assumption about the characters on the card. With all of that stripped away, it's simply a case of one person asking something of another and them then receiving what they asked for. And so I got what I asked for, this is what I wanted." I also admire your own "tough love" approach to your situation. People often talk about "tough love" with others, and then hypocritically fail to apply it to themselves. I am, I must admit, also in the latter category.

(Cont'd)

 

[SeaAndSky]

"I'm ok with that, for the most part. But I choose to do it, for my son. That's what parents do I suppose, but we often think that everything is about us, when it may not be. We don't have the whole picture in front of us. We may think wow my life sucks, but not realize what our parents chose to do for us, what we may be choosing to do for others. There's much more to it than a simple woe is me." Ditto on these statements. I understand. All we can do is just keep hanging in there and keep "playing the hand we've been dealt," especially when we were the ones who "cut the deck." (I thought this would be an apt platitude to spout given the playing card topic ).

Fifth, I understand your frustration and that sense of "still vast areas of dark and empty "knowing". I probably wouldn't be looking into doing Tarot as a way of delving into these things if other means had worked or were accessible to me. OTOH, I know that I'm not intended to know everything, and really only need to know what is useful to me at this time in connection with this lifetime and its needs. This doesn't usually help. Once again, I am like others: I still WANT TO KNOW!

Anyhow, keep hanging in there! You are fighting the good fight, but for me it is often the way time stretches out ahead that tends to discourage rather than the discord, discontent and dysphoria of any particular moment. I can't offer much for that other than the advice to just ignore that aspect of things and take it one day at a time. It can help on the worst days and tomorrow is liable to bring its own distractions, though I have to admit that they are often just more troubles from a different direction! However, you're actually a step ahead of me, as you seem to have a good idea of why you chose what troubles you the most. I actually have some intimations, but nothing is definite at this point.

Cordially,
S&S

 

[Totoro]

Hi S&S!

First, I agree with your approach to the lay-out issue and the question and answer format

Honestly, if someone wanted to tell you something directly, they would want to be obvious. If you were using it as a tool to delve into your subconscious, then by all means, I think a more traditional or subjective approach would work. I've found I've had the most success using it in a literal manner.

I did not know about the cathars at all. I'll have to read into that. But I did know the cards were used for games in non English speaking countries.

Second, how do you use the major vs. minor arcana? (Remember I am a neophyte in terms of using them for "divination" as I have mostly been studying theories related to a Cathar connection). The ordinary cards greatly outnumber the trumps. So I would have expected them to predominate if you were drawing from a simple mixed deck. However, you only have one number card vs. five trump cards, so I suspect you are doing something different. Do you just separate them out and draw from one deck or the other as you feel guided?

I just cut the deck about 20 times and keep shuffling and I'll hear a voice tell me "stop", "you can stop now" or some other variation. That's a full deck, I don't separate them out or anything. At that point, I'll draw the card that's on top. But, the more specific your question, the more specific the reply. Although, the what am I questions are pretty vague, but I still got a pretty strong reply on those. Like if you were to ask, "what will happen to me in 20 years", you would get a lot of minor arcana cards. That's a huge, broad question and there's more details in those cards that could be used to potentially explain your question. The thing for me is over the years I've gotten better at being able to understand the voice as being separate from my own. Many times I'd second guess it by thinking it was a projection from my own ego somehow.

I used to use books too, in the past. I haven't done it in a while, but I seem to be really good a detecting energy fields. I would simply go to my bookshelf and ask to have a book pointed out to me to use and I would simply feel the chosen book radiate energy. Not to long ago I was also focusing on increasing the energy to one hand and I was able to raise my body temperature one or two degrees.

But if that kind of guided approach doesn't work, I'd focus on a more subjective, novelty based one. That's actually how I started out. I used a website that dealt cards and had descriptions next to them. I would just skim and scan over them in a relaxed mind set and when something jumped out at me, I would write it down. I would repeat it a few times and I would see how many words correlated with one another. And then from there, I would focus on those. I just figured, I had this information inside me and that sort of spontaneous association might be a way to draw it out.

 

[Totoro]

Third, you have just described what is often referred to as Mid-life crisis,

I don't know about that!! ha ha I am not ready for a Miata or leopard print leggings!! I went through that in my 30's, after my exe's mom died and she got into bed depressed and started ignoring me and our son. I sort of fast cycled through lots of things. Buying stuff on ebay I couldn't afford when I was a kid, trying to draw and generally following all those threads of "maybe if I was encouraged to do such and such I'd be a famous so and so now". My 20s were full of playing in bands, travelling, camping in the back of my truck. I definitely didn't miss a party phase I was trying to make up for, post haste.

The flip side of that is I'm a lot more settled now than I was. Reincarnation has also showed me I still have the same interests and hobbies I always did. I'm trying to get out of a rut and to actively pursue them again and I have a few long term goals I'm working on. But overall, I'm having to learn to live for me. I catered to my ex when she was depressed, I took care of my son for 5 years, trying to get him through high school. Yeah, you're right, that's prime mid life crisis territory. But for me, I want to make better choices than I did in the past. Choose better friends, be more conscious about the way I live my life.

I also admire your own "tough love" approach to your situation. People often talk about "tough love" with others, and then hypocritically fail to apply it to themselves. I am, I must admit, also in the latter category.

well thank you! I have a lot of self discipline and determination. I suppose that's what's gotten me this far. This kind of leads into

Fifth, I understand your frustration and that sense of "still vast areas of dark and empty "knowing". I probably wouldn't be looking into doing Tarot as a way of delving into these things if other means had worked or were accessible to me. OTOH, I know that I'm not intended to know everything, and really only need to know what is useful to me at this time in connection with this lifetime and its needs. This doesn't usually help. Once again, I am like others: I still WANT TO KNOW!

I think for me, I've felt different and I know people see me as differently from themselves. It may be a chicken or the egg thing and I have a lot going on in this life that may contribute to it, but nearly everyone I seem to come across finds me as intimidating, off putting or something. I think I'm a very friendly, easy to talk to kind of person and I don't understand why I get such a reaction all the time. It's something that's hurt me deeply over the course of my life and I seem to think if I can figure out what's behind my soul or what's going on, I'll at least have some kind of answer. Even though I can't do anything about it, it would put me at rest, at least. I think. I hope. ha ha.

Anyhow, keep hanging in there! You are fighting the good fight, but for me it is often the way time stretches out ahead that tends to discourage rather than the discord, discontent and dysphoria of any particular moment. I can't offer much for that other than the advice to just ignore that aspect of things and take it one day at a time. It can help on the worst days and tomorrow is liable to bring its own distractions, though I have to admit that they are often just more troubles from a different direction! However, you're actually a step ahead of me, as you seem to have a good idea of why you chose what troubles you the most. I actually have some intimations, but nothing is definite at this point.

That's all anyone can do, myself or otherwise, is take it a day at a time. That's all sound advice my friend!

 

[Totoro]

I'm slowly approaching being an empty nester, as my son is working and he's almost driving, which will give me some more free time and one of the things I've been wanting to do for years is to take my research thread (that I removed from the forum) and actually sit down and write it into either a book or a really long, but coherent thread and I haven't been able to.

I've been quite upset with myself about it and I may have just discovered why it's been so hard to do. I've been researching CPTSD online for a while and I've just learning about the symptoms and effects of it and one thing I discovered is dysregulated thinking. I just tried to post about some feelings I was having on another support type forum and I found I was so flustered, I just deleted the post and then it struck me that I was shutting down to avoid the dysregulation going on in my head.

I wasn't able to get my thoughts out in a coherent way and that's the same issues I've been having when I talk about my past life experiences and that's also why I haven't been able to write my story down. I literally keep shutting down and avoiding it, when I do. So quite obviously, I haven't healed from that as much as I thought I have. Learning about it gave a face or name to the monkey that was on my back for so many years, but the affected parts of me haven't gone back to normal despite it.

I've been doing some work though and I've been learning to regulate my own thinking, not as fast as I'd like it to! But hopefully I'll get there and I'll be able to talk about my feelings and experiences (from this life and others) in a healthy way sooner than later.

 

[Totoro]

Well.. I did a thing haha.

I've been trying to get my thoughts down enough to write a book about my experiences and I have tried and failed numerous times over the past I don't know, ten years?!

So I realized the voice recorder on my phone will also do transcripts and I thought that may be a way to do it.

I just recorded a session, about 40 mins worth and I actually felt more comfortable doing that than writing.

I think maybe my issue has been that writing feels too informal for me and recording actually feels more personal and organic and maybe I could just do a podcast? And then later go back and edit it into a book.

I think that may be the way to go.