I started a thread YEARS ago titled the same, but thought I'd start a new thread since this one is haunting me. I had surgery on my left shoulder 4 weeks ago. It was suppose to be a minor surgery and ended up a major surgery. I was not prepared for what came out of it. I have had surgery before so I wasn't a newbie. They did the big needle in the neck with the monitor screen next to me. I could see the needle moving around, it hurt like hell but I was quiet the whole time. He put the needle in three times to numb my neck, shoulder and arm. I could feel it slowly taking over my left side as he proceeded. They had a cap and gown on me, three blankets and wheeled me into surgery. They sat me up - which was weird but to get to the front and back I was told it was necessary. I was strapped in a sit up position. The anesthesiologist said; "OK now we'll give you some oxygen." I knew he was lying...BOOM I was out. I woke up in the recovery room, tried to move my arm but it wasn't there. I picked it up with my right hand and placed my left arm on my stomach. It was DEAD. Yeah yeah, that dead feeling is what is expected for a while. But for a brief moment I saw a dead baby, a black baby. I moved it again and my whole body cried. It was a dead feeling I have NEVER felt before. I would say he was about 6 months along....I cried in the recovery room. For almost two days my arm felt like a dead baby. I have tears now writing this - RIDICULOUS. I've had so many PL memories about living as a black woman 1840 - 1891. This one is/was a shocker. In my book Beneath The Surface I have written about the many situations, horror and trauma Clara (I) went through and over the years (1985-2020) of journaling, meditations, dreams and regressions - I have healed. As simple as it sounds, and as weird as it is/was it's been a month! So OK I get it. Time to do a meditation about the circumstances surrounding loosing this baby. Part of the process I guess is writing it down and sharing it with you all. Facing it head on. I have never had a miscarriage, or lost a baby in this life.