CodeNevermind
Senior Member
Hi...first post. Nice to be here...
In the past couple of years I've become increasingly curious about what I'm sure is a past life, but I'm not sure what I'm trying to do exactly. I don't know if it's because I dislike my current life and yearn to return to what's "comfortable/familiar", or if I have some sort of unresolved business that's bothering me. I feel it might be the latter, and if that's the case, how do I go about resolving this? I've meditated before, but not with the intent to remember anything. It's peaceful...not if I try and remember, then I can't stay relaxed. I'll reach a point where I feel relaxed, and once I get close to the right state, my eyes dart open again in panic. Is this normal? Am I trying too hard?
I was an artist. Not sure if I was a poet, musician, or painter, but I know I was an artist. Born in 1960, in some warm beachy coastal city, either in the USA or Latin America (I am of Latin background, I feel I was then too, not sure which country I was from before). I had curly black hair, brown eyes, and a swarthy complexion. I was a heavy drug abuser (heroin and cocaine), an alcoholic, and I was very careless with intimacy and relationships. I didn't respect myself very much. I'm almost sure I died from a heroin overdose, or a drug-related illness. I am sure I lived in a big city, most likely NYC, at some point, I feel an intense emotional yearning and wistfulness when I see 70s-80s NYC. I'm sure I died during the mid 90s, somewhere from 1994-1996, very soon before I was born again. I was politically outspoken and a bit proud/vain.
I've been fixated on the 1980s since I was a toddler, despite having been born too late to see the 80s. I was obsessed with 80s music and music videos, particularly dark new-wave style music (what 2000s preschooler cares about Joy Division?!). I remember feeling frustrated that the world wasn't like this anymore- I've never believed the 80s was a better time (or even a good time), it just feels normal to me (1960s to mid 1990s in general too), I understand it, and I don't understand the world I'm in now. I remember occasionally telling my mother that I wanted to "go home", even when we were definitely at home. I didn't know why I said this, even at that age, it felt like something very emotional and hard to articulate, but I felt like there was a "home" that was "deeper" within me that I wanted to return to. I was missing something and I couldn't figure out what it was. It made me cry sometimes.
I always had very vivid, colorful, often cartoonish dreams, and one particular dream stood out to me as very odd. It was quiet. I was the man I described before, wearing a black leather jacket, jeans, a burgundy shirt, black boots, and I was at a gas station at night. I remember a motorcycle was there, but I'm not sure if it was mine or not. May have been. The dream made me feel emotional, excited, curious, and I drew the scene from the dream and everything. From childhood through my teen years I always drew characters who resembled this figure, and they always represented me. I had a character like this who was a somber, frustrated social outcast in his 20s, haunted by some dark "energy" or presence that turned him into a monster when he was angry. Bit of a dark character for an 8-10 year old to represent himself through, compared to the more cartoonish characters I otherwise drew. I kept drawing different iterations of what was largely the same character, but different names, different minor details, but they all boiled down to the same thing. Big cities always mesmerized me, but filled me with a sense of dread- "Don't stay here, or things will go wrong again". I liked the smell of alcohol and cigarette smoke, even though it made me feel ill. I would cringe with discomfort at blues, funk, 50s rock, and various styles of Latin music- now these are some of my favorite styles of music.
I'm very sensitive about my left arm, especially the veins, and I always have been. Deeply afraid of IV needles and the idea of my veins bleeding, but only for the left arm, with the right arm (dominant hand), it's not a concern for me. I have constant symptoms that mirror opioid abuse side effects and withdrawal symptoms, and have had these symptoms since I was a child, and no amount of tests showed any underlying issue- constant nausea, muscle/joint pain, anxiety, vomiting, sneezing/sinus problems, fatigue. I mentioned being careless with intimacy as that past self- I now have a physical condition that makes me far too uncomfortable with my body to be intimate with anyone, I feel like this is both a blessing and a curse- I was abused as a teenager, and if I wasn't this uncomfortable with my body, I could've left myself open to far worse abuse. So this saved me, but it came with a price too. I have chosen to not drink or use drugs in this life, because from what I tried, I like it far, far too much, and that spooked me. Seems dangerous to play with.
I'm not necessarily looking for more precise details about this life, or who I "was", what my name was, if it wouldn't help- because while I feel this yearning for this past self and life, I'm afraid of it too. I want to live in the present and not be distracted by the past, because obsessing over the past has been an issue for me. But I feel as though many of my current-life issues could be linked to or attributed to past life issues...and I want to resolve them. I don't like having unfinished business. If learning more helped, I'd be happy to. Nurse said I looked like an "old soul" when I was born, staring intensely around the room, studying everything...south node and moon in the 4th house might suggest something too? I'm just afraid of repeating the same mistakes, but I'm afraid of never resolving things as well. I never spoke to anyone who knows about these things before, I'm very new to it all.
In the past couple of years I've become increasingly curious about what I'm sure is a past life, but I'm not sure what I'm trying to do exactly. I don't know if it's because I dislike my current life and yearn to return to what's "comfortable/familiar", or if I have some sort of unresolved business that's bothering me. I feel it might be the latter, and if that's the case, how do I go about resolving this? I've meditated before, but not with the intent to remember anything. It's peaceful...not if I try and remember, then I can't stay relaxed. I'll reach a point where I feel relaxed, and once I get close to the right state, my eyes dart open again in panic. Is this normal? Am I trying too hard?
I was an artist. Not sure if I was a poet, musician, or painter, but I know I was an artist. Born in 1960, in some warm beachy coastal city, either in the USA or Latin America (I am of Latin background, I feel I was then too, not sure which country I was from before). I had curly black hair, brown eyes, and a swarthy complexion. I was a heavy drug abuser (heroin and cocaine), an alcoholic, and I was very careless with intimacy and relationships. I didn't respect myself very much. I'm almost sure I died from a heroin overdose, or a drug-related illness. I am sure I lived in a big city, most likely NYC, at some point, I feel an intense emotional yearning and wistfulness when I see 70s-80s NYC. I'm sure I died during the mid 90s, somewhere from 1994-1996, very soon before I was born again. I was politically outspoken and a bit proud/vain.
I've been fixated on the 1980s since I was a toddler, despite having been born too late to see the 80s. I was obsessed with 80s music and music videos, particularly dark new-wave style music (what 2000s preschooler cares about Joy Division?!). I remember feeling frustrated that the world wasn't like this anymore- I've never believed the 80s was a better time (or even a good time), it just feels normal to me (1960s to mid 1990s in general too), I understand it, and I don't understand the world I'm in now. I remember occasionally telling my mother that I wanted to "go home", even when we were definitely at home. I didn't know why I said this, even at that age, it felt like something very emotional and hard to articulate, but I felt like there was a "home" that was "deeper" within me that I wanted to return to. I was missing something and I couldn't figure out what it was. It made me cry sometimes.
I always had very vivid, colorful, often cartoonish dreams, and one particular dream stood out to me as very odd. It was quiet. I was the man I described before, wearing a black leather jacket, jeans, a burgundy shirt, black boots, and I was at a gas station at night. I remember a motorcycle was there, but I'm not sure if it was mine or not. May have been. The dream made me feel emotional, excited, curious, and I drew the scene from the dream and everything. From childhood through my teen years I always drew characters who resembled this figure, and they always represented me. I had a character like this who was a somber, frustrated social outcast in his 20s, haunted by some dark "energy" or presence that turned him into a monster when he was angry. Bit of a dark character for an 8-10 year old to represent himself through, compared to the more cartoonish characters I otherwise drew. I kept drawing different iterations of what was largely the same character, but different names, different minor details, but they all boiled down to the same thing. Big cities always mesmerized me, but filled me with a sense of dread- "Don't stay here, or things will go wrong again". I liked the smell of alcohol and cigarette smoke, even though it made me feel ill. I would cringe with discomfort at blues, funk, 50s rock, and various styles of Latin music- now these are some of my favorite styles of music.
I'm very sensitive about my left arm, especially the veins, and I always have been. Deeply afraid of IV needles and the idea of my veins bleeding, but only for the left arm, with the right arm (dominant hand), it's not a concern for me. I have constant symptoms that mirror opioid abuse side effects and withdrawal symptoms, and have had these symptoms since I was a child, and no amount of tests showed any underlying issue- constant nausea, muscle/joint pain, anxiety, vomiting, sneezing/sinus problems, fatigue. I mentioned being careless with intimacy as that past self- I now have a physical condition that makes me far too uncomfortable with my body to be intimate with anyone, I feel like this is both a blessing and a curse- I was abused as a teenager, and if I wasn't this uncomfortable with my body, I could've left myself open to far worse abuse. So this saved me, but it came with a price too. I have chosen to not drink or use drugs in this life, because from what I tried, I like it far, far too much, and that spooked me. Seems dangerous to play with.
I'm not necessarily looking for more precise details about this life, or who I "was", what my name was, if it wouldn't help- because while I feel this yearning for this past self and life, I'm afraid of it too. I want to live in the present and not be distracted by the past, because obsessing over the past has been an issue for me. But I feel as though many of my current-life issues could be linked to or attributed to past life issues...and I want to resolve them. I don't like having unfinished business. If learning more helped, I'd be happy to. Nurse said I looked like an "old soul" when I was born, staring intensely around the room, studying everything...south node and moon in the 4th house might suggest something too? I'm just afraid of repeating the same mistakes, but I'm afraid of never resolving things as well. I never spoke to anyone who knows about these things before, I'm very new to it all.
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I just wanted to say that was well written! 
I don't subscribe to that view.