I was watching youtube nonsense tonight and I felt something I haven't really felt in 30 years...jealousy. There was a brief mention of James Dean, about his rebelling and his angst and whatever indefinable thing that made him the 'Rebel Without A Cause' and I thought about an article I read once during my research that described my past life as being the James Dean of Irish republicanism. I can't find the article but I thought 'How come James Dean is known for rebelling and he didn't have to really put his hands in the crap yet my PL self is known and has much blood on his hands. Why couldn't I live a life where I could make an impact without killing. One where I could live the charmed life, live fast and die young. I did live fast and die young, but in a warlike way. How come Deans artistic abilities were destined to bring him to the fore yet me, as creative as I am, came to the fore through war. It made me feel good for nothing and made me feel like I wish I had Deans life journey and not Collins. He was an artist, he was successful as an artist. I draw, write, create, yet I'm only known for war. I don't know what karma Deans spirit has, but I'd rather have his past rebellious life than have my own. I wouldn't have this attitude if reincarnation hadn't shown me that we all have our stations in life to learn in an individualistic way. Why wasn't my rebellion tailored like Dean? Why did it have to be tailored like Collins? To be honest, I'd rather be an anonymous 50s greaser imitating Dean than be Collins. Can anyone else relate to this? Has reincarnation knowledge made anyone else as perplexed about who they've been and who they wished they'd been as its made me?