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Parental struggles from a PL perspective

Arrant

Arrant

Senior Registered
I appreciate this might not be the correct section to post in, but in the absence of anywhere more subject specific, I ask you all for your forebearance...

In a mood of calm and tranquil reflection yesterday, I visited my ageing parents and stayed for Sunday lunch. This isn't an uncommon event, and, if accompanied by my brother, I can often find it a not unpleasant experience. However, yesterday was typical of my "solo" visits in that, by the time I left, I was feeling uptight, agitated, and un-centred. Also vexed, frustrated, and with a little simmering anger. In short, I felt mentally scrambled, and in need of a stiff drink to settle me again!

It wasn't that we'd argued or anything, prima facie, unpleasant had happened. It was simply that, as with virtually every interaction with my parents - particularly my mother - my overwhelming feeling is of constantly trying to punch through a wall, to make myself heard and understood. They watch, but don't see; they hear, but don't listen. The effort of communication becomes exhausting. If it wasn't for the fact that they've always been that way, it would be easy to ascribe their manner to their old age, and I wish I could - but I can't. With my brother in tow to distract me and share the load, visits to them are more endurable, but even he - who, despite being fourteen years my juniour, seems to handle them better - finds them draining.

Now, I know instinctively that much of the trouble is PL related, and perhaps it's my karma to endure this. Equally, though, much of it stems from events around us, and between us, in this life, and I have no idea how to unravel the two. The thing is, they are not bad people - quite the opposite - although my mother has a breathtaking intransigence and zero capacity for apology, or even to see, much less acknowledge, any wrong doing on her part. Nonetheless, in one key area of my life, they continue to help without complaint, despite me being long past the age where I should require help in that area. And this is what makes my dilemma so difficult: do I continue to accept their help and put up with what I feel is tantamount to emotional damage, accepting that as the price I must pay? Or do I sever all ties, and struggle alone?

In truth, I want to cease reliance on their help, but to still have them in my life. But I just wish I could uncover the root cause of the troubles in the relationship, which may be buried under layers of past lives.

Anyone with any similar parental relationship problems, and experience of dealing with them from PL perspective? Please, please share your wisdom with me.

Thanks
 
Well, yes! I feel your pain, as the saying goes. My mother couldn't see who I really was, nor did she want to. Until reading your post, I never made a PL connection. I just presumed that everyone felt like a miserable, out-of-sorts child when they went home to visit. I think some of this "syndrome" is current life related, but how much I'm not sure. As the mother of grown children, I recognize the tendency to treat them like six-year-olds. I fight it. I try not to disaprove anything they're doing. It's still difficult. Only one of my three is "easy". From a PL perspective, my mother always said that I should have been the mother, she the child. I suspect that this was true in a PL. The sad thing is, we never worked it out.
 
Arrant, I have a very similar relationship with my parents and I know the feeling all too well. And much like you're postulating, the issue for me was also deeply rooted in issues from a past life.


I've been quite lucky in that there's a large amount of of material regarding my past life and family that's been available to me. And because of it, it's been quite easy for me to connect the dots and shed light on what my deeper issues were.


I've been able to pull out a few key points that have really helped me and I hope they will help you too.


Firstly, it helped me see my parents as just people. That may be counter intuitive, but when you have parents that control the flow of emotions and other things, it was a very important thing for me to recognize.


When I could step back and look at them in different bodies it somehow made it easier for me to recognize that they're just individuals. Not the boss of me or the people that hurt me, but just other beings that are traveling through life learning to deal with their own issues, just as I am.


And most importantly, it made me realize that whatever they did or do was because of them and the issues they had within themselves and not because of me. And when i realized that, the forgiveness I felt was nearly instantaneous. There was no more anger and no more confusion.


And secondly, when I look at me and my previous life there's quite a few things that couldn't have happened without their help. Most importantly and most obviously, we (my past life and i) have the same birthday and my sister has my past live's name.


For me to have the same birthday, my parents would have had to have met at a certain time and I would have had to have been conceived at a specific date.


The planning that went into that also shows me that my parents love each other and most importantly, they love me. Maybe they can't show it the want they want to but now I know they do. I know that we're part of a family and we always have been and that we're here to learn from each other.


At one point to, just after I got married, I decided that I needed to be responsible for myself (both emotionally & financially ect) as now I had a new family and that I no longer had the emotional strength to get involved in prolonging the emotional issues that we as a family seemed to experience.


And amazingly I found that it was actually quite easy to nod my head and smile whenever we got together and nothing bothered me after that anymore. I also came to expect nothing from them and I became willing to accept would they could give.


That was another key thing that I hadn't learned before. No, I didn't have a perfect life (not that anyone does anyway) but I was able to learn to control the one person I was able to (me) and I was able to put the past behind me and be responsible for myself, my own happiness and my own actions. I was also able to accept that my parents did the best the could with what they had and nothing better can be expected from anyone; especially when you have perspectives on the difficulties that people cope with as human beings.


And just having undergone this process, it changes you. It also changes the energy and people around you as well. My mom has found a new counselor she likes and has made tremendous progress and my dad since the first time I was 5 or 6 has told me he loves me.


And in great big grand scheme of things, maybe I had to go through all of that so that they could eventually learn from me. And that aint a bad feeling either :cool
 
I hope that helps and i'm not sure I answered your question. My mom though has a saying that your parents will never stop being your parents. Unless you're uncomfortable about financial help or something along those lines, you just have to smile, nod your head and accept that it just means they love you and that's their way of showing it.


My past life and my mother's past life were quite close. I'm male in this life and I think because of that she isn't as close to me as she'd like to be. When I was younger, she quite deliberately steered me away from anything that may have been feminine, but it's funny now that all she buys me is "body" products; lotions, things to scrub your feet with, diet books ect. She also comes over and helps paint and decorate and stuff.


I think when I was younger she was overcompensating for her natural instinct to treat me like a daughter. But I guess now she doesn't feel so guilty about it. :laugh: I'm more female in personality anyway and I just really enjoy now how for her, that bond and sense of closeness is still a deep part of her.


So yea, just say thanks, nod your head, smile and know that they love you. But at the same time, it doesn't hurt to keep some of your life private from them. If you can relearn how to relate to them and control what info you give them, you can steer their "help" towards more productive things. You know, have dad help you out on your house or let you mom cook for you rather than have them run your finances or something.
 
argonne1918 said:
I'm pretty sure it's rooted in a past life. Or maybe several past lives with her.
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True, but as is will all things like this, you have to deal with your feelings now. Learning about past lives can give you some perspective, but it isn't necessary for anyone that wants to learn to gain control over their emotions or their present life :)
 
Arrant, I found alot of the characterizations you used caused me to laugh out loud!


As for the topic of your wonderfully written commentary, I believe your relationship, with the manifested difficulties you describe, is the fruit of your lifeplan assembled pre-birth. It is my understanding that we work with various souls on the other side to provide each other with events and experiences on this side, and that our higher selves are working constantly "over there" to fine tune those experiences. Whether these experiences are based on past life karmic matters or intended to provide an exercise in finding a way to make a difficult relationship palatable really doesn't matter..."it is the journey, not the destination" which matters. With this perspective you clearly see you chose this and are not a victim of it...ideally, this enables a more productive way of working through the matter, whether that means finding a creative way to connect with parents or allowing the charge of their perceived slights and obtuseness fall away. This is how I see it, and I hope it helps.


"Breathtaking intransigence and zero capacity for apology"...I love that clause! Sounds like half my clients!
 
Thank you all so much to everyone of you who has thus far responded to my post. There is so much wisdom in what has been written, almost all of which, on an intellectual level, I accept totally and, indeed, have already tried to apply to my relationship with my parents. I suppose I simply struggle with that application, because entrenched emotions still get in the way. Like most of us, I guess I'm a work-in-progress, but will get there eventually, I hope. In the meantime, all your responses make me feel so much less isolated. Really appreciated.
 
Arrant reply


I come to this forum a sceptic about past lives and the pre-planned nature of my current life from birth, and those close to me that I encounter. However I'll try to remain as open as possible to that possibility.


I'm Arrant's brother and wanted to share my thoughts on my relationship with my parents. After a struggle with addiction (alcohol) for quite a few years and pretending all was well within me I eventually sought help through a 12 step fellowship. The focus was on what I could change about myself rather than other people, which is very similar to toroto post.


I gained knowledge about the problems I had with my parents and how they played out in the here and now. I looked at the root causes of these issue's as a result of their behaviour in this life. However, most importantly it was looking at my own behaviour in this life that enabled change. Simply looking at them as individuals going through their own life journey, whilst correct, didn't address the underlying issues within me. To me, that is accepting them, but denying to myself the impact they’ve had on my life. This in turn is not accepting me. I believe we can only start to move forward from the past when we are able to totally accept our reality as it is right now, and by doing this we accept ourselves. I'll never find acceptance in another if I don't accept myself.


I notice my brother says he accepts most of the wisdom on the replies to the post on an intellectual level, but struggles with the application. This for me is where my approach is different, as I believe it’s not about accepting it on an intellectual level it's about dealing with it on a spiritual level.


Knowledge and intellect have done little for me in dealing with the past. I "thought" I was fine for years. I've used prayer and meditation and sharing my inner most thoughts, most of which were shame based with a trusted friend. This process of dealing with my feelings, and turning to a higher power, my spiritual connection have enabled huge change in me.


I believe change happens in the now and indeed everything happens in the now. I don't see the action needed to cause real change in the now by simply having the knowledge of the past.


As I said I’m open to the thoughts of everyone here and would like to know how people apply this knowledge of the past to their current life problems. I like the quote below.


“The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.”


? Socrates
 
Gaining knowledge of your past lives is not, by itself, going to produce change. It is, however, a way to gain a fresh perspective. With perspective comes clarity. With clarity comes wisdom. With wisdom comes the basis on which to move forward in the present lifetime. Whilst just about everyone on this forum acknowledges and embraces the importance of living in the here and now, many of us have come to a new understanding about the problems that beset us, and instead of seeing them as rooted solely in the experiences of the present lifetime, can see the pre-ordination in many of our life's events, and the part being played in our life's drama by those around us and close to us. We all auditioned for this play, and we all got our prescribed parts, even if, this side of the curtain, we now wish we hadn't! "Backstage," after the show, we can all congratulate each other on how splendidly we played our respective parts, and then start preparations for the next big performance, in which the cast will be the same, but the characters and story different. It all depends on how well the previous show went.


Of course dealing with things on a spiritual level is far more important than merely appreciating them on an intellectual level, but the intellect I speak of in this case operates on a spiritual level; I am not speaking of the intellect of academics! Applying wisdom gained - in this case learning to disentangle oneself from the travails and internal issues of one's biological parents, and to see oneself as a separate individual, not responsible for parental shortcomings - is an ongoing process. For me, learning to see my (our) parents in a new light facilitates the very process of learning to see myself in a new light, and from that stems great peace of mind, and the strength to lay to rest my own demonic addictions.
 
mattc said:
“The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.”


? Socrates
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First of all, I thoroughly agree with the quote you used. I'm very aware of being in that category. I want to welcome you to the forum. All anyone can ask of a poster is an open mind.


I agree that acceptance on an intellectual level doesn't provide the relief from pain in our relationships that many of us need. I think our parent's generation had difficulty with allowing their children to know them as people, and part of the problem lies there. After I had children of my own, I realized that most parents just struggle along. After they were adults, their critiques were hard to accept. Children remember every mistake we ever made, just as we remember every cute (embarrasing) thing about them. In regard to elderly parents, my 82 year old mother-in-law is a horror to all of her in-laws. Some of us wonder if there is a past life connection, but more probably, the woman is just a horror! I accept that she is not going to change, and I can't let her be my problem. Life is too short. In regard to my own parents, I decided long ago to find the love and acceptance I needed elsewhere. I did. It certainly doesn't make me a "model" daughter, it just made me happier.


In regard to alcohol problems, I come from a family where that applied to 98% of the men. I myself believe that their brains didn't produce enough serotonin, and they couldn't endure life without alcohol. I'm very happy you "licked" it. It has to be one of the most difficult things in the world to conquer, and takes enormous personal strenghth. I hope you continue to post!
 
Arrant, I think it's very much to your credit, that you continue to engage with your parents, and try to achieve understanding of the issues. It is far, far easier just to run away. I speak from experience.
 
BriarRose,


Thanks for your post and the warm welcome.


The myth that over coming addiction takes great personal strength is inaccurate. It wasn't my strength that overcame my addiction. If I was strong enough to do it then I would have just controlled it. It was in fact my total lack of personal strength that stopped me, and then accepting that fact. Surrender.


So how does one go about finding about previous lives?


Thanks


Matt
 
mattc said:
As I said I’m open to the thoughts of everyone here and would like to know how people apply this knowledge of the past to their current life problems.
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First, welcome to the discussion, mattc.


I appreciate the distinction you've drawn...and I agree that understanding an issue from an intellectual perspective doesn't necessarily translate to a resolution. For me, a knowledge of the past and its relationship to the current enables me a clearer understanding of the general framework, the cast of characters and the potential purpose of an issue.


I have great respect for the 12-step process and there are inumerable success stories delineating its operational effectiveness. In my case, reincarnation and an understanding of the progression of lives and the purposes for such a process are not an operation of problem resolution, but rather one which provides me a panoramic view of the issue from where I obtain a great deal of peace of mind and clarity allowing fear to fall away and enabling a more productive approach to my resolution. While some of my issues have disappeared upon obtaining spiritual understanding, the tasks I bear today are sourced through either a lack of experience in that area or a failure to properly resolve like issues in the past.


To me, this understanding brings a greater focus and desire to find the most beneficial resolution for all involved. And the reality of the continuation of our greater beings from life to life makes all my previous debilitating worries and fears melt away.
 
mattc said:
So how does one go about finding about previous lives?
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I initially used a past life meditation cd...it walked me through a relaxation bit and then escorted me down hallways with doors, each door equating to a lifetime; entering a door provided significant information as you looked at your feet, watched specific matters of import to that life and experienced the death of that life. The emotional content and level of familiarity in places and times I've not lived in this lifetime provided me reassurance of the significance of these meditations...and in some cases I obtained immediate release from issues I found problematic.


I also use the akashic records, or book of life in which all our lives, everything about them, are recorded. You can pay a reader or learn to read your records yourself (see Linda Howe's book). This is significant to me in that while in the records I can research my interactions with others I currently associate with and obtain information on our relationship at the soul level, roles we intended to play for each other in this incarnation and the purposes for them. While our records are only available to us, where others cross our paths pertinent information of our interaction is accessible.
 
I think I see what you mean by "surrender" Matt. I have had situations where I had to do that. Not easy, either.


Usetawuz, at last you reveal how to get into the Akashic records! I will look for that book. Thank you, my friend!
 
usetawuz said:
To me, this understanding brings a greater focus and desire to find the most beneficial resolution for all involved. And the reality of the continuation of our greater beings from life to life makes all my previous debilitating worries and fears melt away.
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That sums it up perfectly for me, usetawaz!
 
Welcome, mattc! I look forward to reading more of your posts.


Dealing with parents as adults can be a very difficult thing. Mom has had many strokes at this point which really has changed who she is as a person. I find what works for me is to remember when she does or says something that hurts or angers me to just remember who she was. This person is not the same person who loved me then so I am treating her today as the person then deserved.


I must admit, however, that it really is hard to be over 50 and be treated like I am 14. Some days I even have a curfew. OMG


When this is over I will know in my heart that I did what I could, I endured what I must and love her with all that I have.


I am sure we have had several lifetimes together. I know who my father was but not my mother. I think she may have been his wife in that lifetime and that may answer why she has treated us, especially eldest daughter, as she does.
 
You're welcome BriarRose, and glad to provide.


Thank you Arrant...I am flattered my comment works for you also.
 
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