Old peasant lady ended own life

[Angie Brown]

This pl bothers me because I can't go back and correct what I did wrong.

I have no idea when or where, of names or of my own age nor the ages of other people. It is a natural memory, not hypnotically regressed nor from a dream

I was a very poor old lady. My husband and our adult son (the latter perhaps in his twenties) worked hard together. We lived in what looked like a single room croft. That doesn't mean it was in Scotland though as there were many such dwellings, but I know we spoke basic English. I suffered excruciating pain throughout every inch of my body, excepting my face, skull and front of my neck. From the base of my skull down I was in agony 24/7. It was unrelenting. Arthritis, rheumatism, osteoarthritis or any combination. I don't know.

The rest of the memory is that I was walking alongside close to the edge of a sort of quite low cliff/large rock. It was only maybe 50-60 ft high and had a quite sheer drop.
I was wearing a long dark dark dress or coat gathered at the waist and a grey or very washed out light blue knitted/crochet shawl around my shoulders. My grey hair was gathered into a bun at the back of my head. I was going slowly as I simply couldn't walk at normal pace even with my dark walking stick, and I was bent over almost double.
Suddenly, I decided to end the pain. I knew my husband and son would understand that it wasn't their fault in any way, nor was it that I didn't love them enough to go on living. They would be sad but most importantly to me they would be ok.

I walked the few steps to the edge, faced outward and just threw myself off. Death must have been instantaneous.

My spirit stayed about waiting for my frail old body to be found, which I knew wouldn't take long. I could see my remains face down a good three or four yards, maybe more, out from the base of the low cliff and realised that I must have been so slight in build by then that the wind had caught me and blown me outward. My poor darling husband and our precious son were standing at the top looking at my body, and were convinced i'd been murdered and thrown outward because my body hadn't dropped straight down. I knew they'd never get over the anger and pain of believing that some unknown man murdered me for no reason whatsoever.

It was at that point I realised I should have returned home and written a note as best as I could have. As illiterate as I was I could have written 'too much pain' or something similar. I knew they would have understood, been sad, but would have got on with their lives and have been ok if I had only not been thoughtless and had gone home and left a note.

I know I have to let the blame I have and the guilt go, and need to work on doing so. I just can't seem to get past the deep regret I have that I didn't think to ensure that they knew I did it to myself, and so they suffered the distress and anger of the belief it was done to me.

Just thought i'd put that out there.

 

[Angie Brown]

I just want to add that I am not saying it is ok to end ones own life as long as you leave a note. My family then would have understood. At the cliff top, our son said maybe i'd thrown myself off because the pain was too much. It was my husband who didn't believe that and convinced him that someone must have murdered me as my body had landed quite a way from the cliff base. We were in a quite isolated location and knew the few other people for at least a couple of miles around and they knew it wouldn't have been anyone we knew. They decided it must have been a passing wanderer/traveller.

Not everyone can cope with suicide of a loved one or a friend. Especially in this day and age of strong analgesics and morphine (cheap or free at point of service on the NHS in Britain, as is paid for by taxes and the NI stamp).

I know it's hardly likely but I posted the account in the faint hope that there is a vague chance my then husband and/or son would happen on this and remember their view of the scenario. If either or both were to and if they still had difficulty with the memory, then at last they would know and understand I threw myself off, and they would know how deeply sorry I left them with the pain of what they believed had been done. It would hopefully be healing for them to know.

Very very unlikely, but who knows? There are posts going back well over a decade. One or both might read it one day, and know also that I loved them more deeply than words or physical life can explain. My love for them was deep enough for my spirit to bring it into my conciousness in my physical life now.

So please, no one believe that suicide today can be as easily understood or coped with by loved ones and friends as it was then, when there was no relief for such all encompassing pain.