Scotland - memories of music and mother

[Ailish]

In October of last year I started piecing together a Scottish life. My name was Caitlin (pronounced Kat-leen). I was the only child of a judge named Alasdair and his wife Caitriona (pronounced Ka-tree-na).

Recently during a meditation I asked to see my connection to violins – as I’ve always held a deep attraction to this beautiful, mystical, sorrowful instrument. My whole life I’ve felt like I should be able to just pick up and play. I finally bought one just before Christmas – and the first time I picked it up – I had perfect stance and created some lovely sounding notes. But something has been holding me back from picking it up again – despite my love for the instrument. The recent work I’ve done surrounding this lifetime has given me a greater understanding.

What I’ve learned so far has been a beautiful discovery – a life filled with love – with music – with dancing. Both of my parents were incredible people who fostered a love of music within me – something that remains with me even now. I had an especially close bond with my mother, Caitriona.

I admired her greatly – for the work she did for the neighbors, for the poor – and for the “coal children” that worked in the mines. She was funny and loving – and full of joy and life. Everything was an adventure with her – and there was always laughter.

My mother had a beautiful voice – and played the violin in the evenings. Many of my memories involve sitting in front of the big stone fireplace listening to her play and sing.

I am sitting at my mother's feet, my head on her knee. She is singing softly, humming in between words. She has a hand on my head, stroking and playing with my hair. I am holding a black kitten, cuddling him like a toy. It's peaceful, quiet. Just the crackling of the fire - the wind outside - and my mother singing. I feel safe and content.

I am playing with my kittens, watching the door to my father’s study, which is closed. My mother says, “Caitlin, come” and she winks at me, picking up her violin. She sits on a stool and begins to play. I am watching for my father. Sure enough, he comes from his study and sits beside me, pulling me and the kittens into his lap. I feel myself grinning at my mother – and she winks at me again. I know we do this all the time.

I am playing on the cold stone floor with my two little kittens – black and gray. They have a small tin pan of milk. My mother is sitting in a chair playing the violin. I pick up the kittens and carry them closer to the fireplace. They are both full and content to curl in my lap. I feel the heat of the flames on my face – the fire and music are hypnotic and mesmerizing.

There were many friendly gatherings where music and dance were the prominent activities. Our family was very well-off, and we attended many events. It was a truly charmed life.

At first we are having some sort of celebration – it is evening, outside. The stars are very bright and clear in the night sky. I can feel a chill in the air – smell the sea air. I am wearing a fancy greenish dress that has embroidery and soft leather shoes – not unlike ballet slippers. My mother is braiding my hair – weaving in a green ribbon. I know I am seven years old. I am with another girl – my cousin Brigid. She's a few years older than I am. She's showing off for anyone who will watch her. And then we are dancing for everyone – other kids are dancing, too, girls and boys. It’s strange – a cross between the disciplined Irish step dance and highland dance (arms overhead and out front in changing positions instead of by the sides). There are bagpipes and violins/fiddles – people are laughing and clapping. I feel very happy and carefree. The music changes and Brigid and I watch as the grown-ups dance together. I watch my mother and father weaving in and out of people, coming together – laughing.

My mother became ill – the smiling, sunshiny woman of my childhood became frail and wasted away – but she never lost the sparkle in her eye. Nor her love of music.

My mother is very sick. I am standing before her, holding her violin. She is very pale – her dark hair against the pillow. She is smiling at me – her eyes shining. She is telling me to play. And I do – I play and play, I feel like I am melting into the music, the notes strange, haunting. But I cannot take my eyes from my mother’s face. I feel tears on my cheeks.

She died not long after that – and it was within the memory that I understand now why I cannot pick up that violin…

Flashes of a stormy, gray sky. Trees – people around a pine (?) casket. I hear the melancholy sound of bagpipes, feel my father’s arms around me. I hear him say, “She’s still with us, Caitlin.” I feel sad – so sad – a deep pain inside.

It’s dark and cold. I am sitting at the table, pushing some type of stew around my plate. My father is looking out the front window. He tells me to play a song for him. One of Mammy’s songs. I can feel my whole heart constrict in pain as I think of Mammy playing her violin and singing. I want her so badly. I feel tears slipping down my cheek – silently. Daddy asks me again – but I shake me head at him and swipe away at the tears. I tell him – I will never touch it again and run from the table up the stairs to my room.

As far as I know – I have never touched it again in any life – until now. Thinking of that life brings me much joy – which at times is tinged with an element of sorrow – an ache in my heart and a twisting in my solar plexus. A child’s grief for her mother. I read a quote this morning that made me think of Caitriona:

“I miss thee, my Mother! Thy image is still
The deepest impressed on my heart.”
~Eliza Cook

Music – and memories of a lifetime ago – impressed upon my heart forever.


Aili

 

[Aurora]

I'm glad that Caitlin had what seems a happy life, despite losing her mother at such a young age. I know how that feels and can relate with the incident of the violin. All my life, even as a toddler I fell in love with the violin. For some reason even the sound of the instrument would have me crying. It was a passion that I knew went far beyond this lifetime. My father bought me a violin last year and put me in classes. I picked it up for the first time in front of everyone. I was scared, but somewhere inside me I felt that there was no need to be. So I started playing. I still have not yet understood how I came to play the song I did. Only that when I was finished the teacher did not believe that I hadn't played before. She was convinced I'd taken years of lessons. I was placed in first chair within a week. Passing above those who had played for many many years.


That just goes to show that passion and a child's love can surpass anything.


I'm glad you decided to get a violin, maybe you playing it can act as a sort of meditation in itself. You might remember more of Caitlin's life through that.

 

[Clivia]

I love the violin too - and got one last year.


I am certainly not as talented as you Aurora - though also I managed to get a few clear sounds out of it the first time.


Ailish - it is always fascinating to read how specially music can revive pl memories - in your case memories of a happy and dramatic life at the same time.

 

[ChrisR]

Thanks for sharing, great memories Aili. I can understand that feeling of being able to pick up an instrument and play with no previous experience, I have similar feelings myself.


Maybe if you pick up the violin again and persevere, it may help you to heal that particular memory, or like Aurora says, it could act as a trigger for more memories of that lifetime.... happier one's I hope -

 

[Sunniva]

Thank you for sharing, Aili. It was a very beautiful and emotional story. It's funny how so many people feel connected to the violin - I do too.

 

[Koshka]

That was so beautiful and.. very real, it was as if I could feel it as I was reading it. I'm glad you're investigating the violin.

 

[Karoliina]

Thanks for sharing, Aili. It sounds like it was a really good life, except for losing your mother. (((((((((Aili)))))))))))


It's also interesting about the violin. Do you think it'll be easier for you to pick it up now?


I hope you'll continue sharing if more memories are coming. :thumbsup:


Karoliina


PS. I don't have any specific feelings towards violins. Feeling like the odd one out here.