Lauriesheri
New Member
As I began to read another thread about "gramma", my heart was doing somersaults. My story is very similar: Let me try to condence the facts:
My first child of two, my only son, died of a rare form of leukemia October 22, 2008. My daughters son was born January 26, 2009. I was very very close to my son. My bond with him was strong. I need not explain the devestation I felt first hearing his diagnosis, then his death almost five years later. He was 24 when he died, just shy of his 25th birthday January 18th.
At the moment of his death, I experienced a profound sense of love towards my son. I remember physically glancing at his body as I felt this, and I attributed it to the love of God for him. It seemed as if it was not of this earthly realm...I cannot put into words the experience.
After his death I felt a profound sense of "its okay". I was/am deeply spiritual, prayerful, and attend church weekly. After my grandson was born, (I was present for his birth), I bonded to him as if he was sent to us directly from heaven.
I have been his primary caregiver since his birth, and he and I love each other very much.
The first unexplainable occurence happened when we were visiting the cemetary where my son is buried. We were walking by a new grave and he stopped to ask about it in such a way an 18 month old can. When I answered that someone must have just died and was buried, he stepped back in horror and stated..."died"....hurt...."
The next incident was about a year later when he declared suddenly for no reason..."I died....I died in this house...I cried....". My son died in our home.
Since then, I have kept note of many comments or questions coming from his so young self, things like...
"you mean when i was big?"
"i fly back to see gramma and grampa again"
"look, a river just like in heaven"
"you can come back gramma"
"you can stay gramma if you want to"
"i cried because you cried gramma"
"you can just come back gramma" (we were discussing my age vs his age and I probably would be dead when he was 70.
There are many others I could describe, like...
He saw pictures of my son on a hunting trip with his Dad and he asked "can grampa have that face again and can we go on a trip again? Later the next day he woke from a nap and looked so sad, I asked him what was the matter, he said "can I have my picture"? Yes, that picture of my son and his Dad.
He is incredibly wise, beyond his years, he is so affectionate, loves his gramma n grampa so much.
There is more to tell.
I still struggle with it all. I miss my Little Kevin and his uniqueness. I find myself not accepting the replacement of my boy....I cannot intellectually wrap my mind around it...but what other conclusion can be drawn?
Hope this helps someone.
My first child of two, my only son, died of a rare form of leukemia October 22, 2008. My daughters son was born January 26, 2009. I was very very close to my son. My bond with him was strong. I need not explain the devestation I felt first hearing his diagnosis, then his death almost five years later. He was 24 when he died, just shy of his 25th birthday January 18th.
At the moment of his death, I experienced a profound sense of love towards my son. I remember physically glancing at his body as I felt this, and I attributed it to the love of God for him. It seemed as if it was not of this earthly realm...I cannot put into words the experience.
After his death I felt a profound sense of "its okay". I was/am deeply spiritual, prayerful, and attend church weekly. After my grandson was born, (I was present for his birth), I bonded to him as if he was sent to us directly from heaven.
I have been his primary caregiver since his birth, and he and I love each other very much.
The first unexplainable occurence happened when we were visiting the cemetary where my son is buried. We were walking by a new grave and he stopped to ask about it in such a way an 18 month old can. When I answered that someone must have just died and was buried, he stepped back in horror and stated..."died"....hurt...."
The next incident was about a year later when he declared suddenly for no reason..."I died....I died in this house...I cried....". My son died in our home.
Since then, I have kept note of many comments or questions coming from his so young self, things like...
"you mean when i was big?"
"i fly back to see gramma and grampa again"
"look, a river just like in heaven"
"you can come back gramma"
"you can stay gramma if you want to"
"i cried because you cried gramma"
"you can just come back gramma" (we were discussing my age vs his age and I probably would be dead when he was 70.
There are many others I could describe, like...
He saw pictures of my son on a hunting trip with his Dad and he asked "can grampa have that face again and can we go on a trip again? Later the next day he woke from a nap and looked so sad, I asked him what was the matter, he said "can I have my picture"? Yes, that picture of my son and his Dad.
He is incredibly wise, beyond his years, he is so affectionate, loves his gramma n grampa so much.
There is more to tell.
I still struggle with it all. I miss my Little Kevin and his uniqueness. I find myself not accepting the replacement of my boy....I cannot intellectually wrap my mind around it...but what other conclusion can be drawn?
Hope this helps someone.
