Struggle with dealing with pl-death

[sortoflikeheaven]

Hello everyone, I would really appreciate some advice on this one. What should one do if one has gaps from one's pl-death scene? I've tried hard to remember and I've tried regression on my own, but failed at each. Each time I get too emotional, too frighten. Should I just let it rest? The thing is I really want to know what happened. I think it is the only way I can move on.

The background is that for most part of my life I have had - in a waked state - flashbacks of being another female from when she was at all kind of ages til her untimely death in the 1970's when she was still quite young. They come in no order and I have no control of it. I found her identity, but I've never dared to contact anyone she knew. I was also raised by atheists and I think people would just think I was crazy and take distance from me. A lot of times I've been cut in two about this myself.

Because the flashbacks come in no order it has not been easy to put them in any chronicle order until I finally had so many of them that I could balance it better and see red threads.

One scene that I've placed some time before her death is a conversation when her ex husband wanted them to try again. That they were wiser now. That the kids would love it. That he had always loved her. Also that his work did not mean him taking so much time away from the family anymore; which had been one of the main concerns when they had been young and married. I could feel her fear and vulnerability. She said something in the line with "I can't. Not now.". Fear just owned her at the time and he could not reason with her. He was talking about taking "baby steps", which meant taking it carefully forward. Not that he would push her in any way.

Then I have a flashback of the ex husband just stopping by to give her a gift, kiss her quickly on the cheek on his way out as a way to say goodbye. When I later looked it up - her last birthday was during the weekend so that could explain why no one was working and why he gave her a gift. So this should have happened quite close in time of her death.

Then very close in time she was arguing with her boyfriend, it was in the evening over at her place. From there on there are gaps. Just when I don't want them. The next thing I remember is that I'm outside the body - hoovering about up in the ceiling and on the side.

I can't help but wonder if she was killed due to jealousy and/or for wanting out of their relationship.
There was never any mention of this throughout the investigation. It was claimed that she and her boyfriend had been happy and in love. I can't get pass a lot of things that surfaced during the investigation. One of the things was that a friend who had seen her earlier claimed she was so nervous before seeing her boyfriend. And the witness to them arguing and several other things.

I would really appreciate your help on this one. Thanks in advance.

 

[yvettebruneau]

It might be that your subconscious mind is protecting you, for the time being, from learning the truth. Maybe, you aren't quite ready. And, if that is the case, then don't push it. I've yet to see my PL death, or even deal with the near world-ending grief and vengeful anger that came with my PL husband's death. I've only been wise to this PL identity for about a fortnight, though, so I'm just enjoying the memories of the fun times. Dancing, shopping, suitors, etc.

So, again, if it's not coming right now, then don't push it. It's not a door that your subconscious feels ready to unlock. That's how I picture my past life, as a corridor with multiple doors. Some for relationships [family, friends, lovers], others for life-events [births, marriages, deaths]. If I don't feel ready to open the door, I either walk past it or go back to one I've already unlocked.

 

[sortoflikeheaven]

It might be that your subconscious mind is protecting you, for the time being, from learning the truth. Maybe, you aren't quite ready. And, if that is the case, then don't push it. I've yet to see my PL death, or even deal with the near world-ending grief and vengeful anger that came with my PL husband's death. I've only been wise to this PL identity for about a fortnight, though, so I'm just enjoying the memories of the fun times. Dancing, shopping, suitors, etc.

So, again, if it's not coming right now, then don't push it. It's not a door that your subconscious feels ready to unlock. That's how I picture my past life, as a corridor with multiple doors. Some for relationships [family, friends, lovers], others for life-events [births, marriages, deaths]. If I don't feel ready to open the door, I either walk past it or go back to one I've already unlocked.

Thanks for the reply, interesting to read, I'll try to be more patient.

 

[Spirit Sword]

If it is not causing a good amount of harm to your current life, I would let it rest until you are ready for it. There is likely something rather traumatic waiting for you there and, as yvettebruneau said, your mind might be sheltering you from it.

I have seen my death before. Going into the memory, I recognized almost immediately that it was the last one in that life. While it was tense and somewhat emotional, I was also morbidly curious to watch. I was doing this with a therapist, who did an excellent job of keeping me in a third-person observer position, so I was not as bothered by it as I should have been. Still, when it got close to the moment of violence, important material was suddenly blacked out like someone had put a censor bar over the top of it. A voice I immediately trusted said, "You're not allowed to see this. You aren't ready". And so, we skipped on to what it felt like to die and what I was thinking about at the end and left the regression. I have never gone back to that moment: I doubt that I am ready and wonder if I will ever need to be.

 

[CanSol]

With PL things it's a fine line between wanting to know something and regretting knowing it, the old saying "be carefull what you wish for" applies here because you might end up getting more than what you want

 

[sortoflikeheaven]

If it is not causing a good amount of harm to your current life, I would let it rest until you are ready for it. There is likely something rather traumatic waiting for you there and, as yvettebruneau said, your mind might be sheltering you from it.

I have seen my death before. Going into the memory, I recognized almost immediately that it was the last one in that life. While it was tense and somewhat emotional, I was also morbidly curious to watch. I was doing this with a therapist, who did an excellent job of keeping me in a third-person observer position, so I was not as bothered by it as I should have been. Still, when it got close to the moment of violence, important material was suddenly blacked out like someone had put a censor bar over the top of it. A voice I immediately trusted said, "You're not allowed to see this. You aren't ready". And so, we skipped on to what it felt like to die and what I was thinking about at the end and left the regression. I have never gone back to that moment: I doubt that I am ready and wonder if I will ever need to be.

Thanks for sharing, maybe I should see a therapist for this one even though I have never been to one, it sounds like a good idea. I can't really explain it but it is as if I feel a strong responsibility to remember.

When I did my research I found that some of her family members believed the boyfriend had killed her but the investigation, the proofs were not enough to bring him to trial.

I also can't get over the feeling that her children - her family - her future was taken from her. She was just cut off. I mean, I know this is what happens when you die - and I know the ex husband and the family looked after the children, but it is as if she died at the worst moment, when she was not suppose to. I just feel as if she was suppose to stay on, suppose to be a mother. Maybe that is just the responsibility and the worrying one feel as a parent. Had they been grown ups and had their own lives it would have felt better.

Regarding the ex husband- I don't know if their future would have been bright. It was not as if they had not tried before but failed at it. Regarding them I see a strong personality trait collision but also that they loved each other. To her ex husband it was as if she was "still family" . I remember his parents greeting her years after their divorce as if she was still family. And his friends continued to be friends to them both after the divorce. Her ex husband remarried some years after her passing.

 

[Spirit Sword]

I also can't get over the feeling that her children - her family - her future was taken from her. She was just cut off. I mean, I know this is what happens when you die - and I know the ex husband and the family looked after the children, but it is as if she died at the worst moment, when she was not suppose to. I just feel as if she was suppose to stay on, suppose to be a mother. Maybe that is just the responsibility and the worrying one feel as a parent. Had they been grown ups and had their own lives it would have felt better.

This is entirely normal. When one comes to realize that they are dead or dying, they tend to focus on what they had left undone and those who will be left alone. As I lay dying, I could only think about my lover: how perfect she was, how I would never see her again, and how my death would affect her.

I am sorry for your past tragedy and the loss of opportunity caused by it. If you think that you need to look into it, I will not stop it. But be aware: things will likely get worse before they get better.