Galina
Active Member
I'm currently overwhelmed and constantly on the point of tears due to a past life I had with a colleague. In that life, I was married to a selfish husband who left in a boat ostensibly to lay the foundations of a better life. However, he found someone else abroad and never came back, abandoning me and our children.
My colleague took care of our horses in that life. He loved me secretly but assumed I was stuck up like my husband and that was why I wouldn't look his way once I was alone. In actual fact I loved him too, but didn't want to complicate his life. I also didn't think he deserved to be lumbered with me and another man's children after my husband had cast us aside.
What a pair we were
and still are. When we first started working together about three years ago, he was always sniping about something. It came to a head one day when he lashed out at me in front of four other people in an email for genuinely forgetting something and accused me of assuming he would sort it out. I did no such thing - it was an honest mistake - but what I heard loud and clear was the unrequited love of someone who believes all they will ever be to their ignorant beloved is a servant. Reading his message felt like being struck physically and I was stunned for a long time afterwards. That was when it began to crystallise in my mind what the history of the connection was.
We are still working it out as colleagues but he has become a lot calmer lately. I have made efforts to show I appreciate him and that I will never take him for granted. His way of showing love is doing helpful things and he does those sometimes for my boss and I. It pains me to know he ever assumed I thought he was beneath me in that life. I was never that person. I cared and care for him deeply although I have not admitted feelings directly, and he doesn't talk about his emotions. We are at a kind of stalemate now in this life. It's always dicey at work because you don't want to risk your job or make it awkward, but I am struggling to control myself and he has already proven that he can't.
I have been very unkind to myself whilst justifying why I shouldn't say anything. Why would he ever want me, he must hate me, you'll get fired and lose him as well... It's as if I am experiencing the past grief of a woman who refused to let herself reach out for what she wanted, and even in this go-around I'm struggling. I know that is putting a heck of a lot of pressure on this situation, but that's how it feels. I don't know how it's going to turn out. I do know I have seen his past and current face in dreams, see horses and his birthday everywhere in both real life and dreams, and his name is the name my parents would have called me had I been a boy.
At work people call him by his surname, but using it fills me with horror. It's like addressing a schoolchild or a servant, and I will never call him by it. He has a first name and I will only ever use that name or a respectful nickname. Even now, I don't ever want him to feel less-than or do anything connected with treating him that way. I have recently bawled my eyes out watching "Mrs Brown" about Queen Victoria and John Brown, because in the darkest time of that life he was similarly devoted to me and I to him. People have told me before with past lives to let whatever is meant to unfold (or not) unfold of its own accord, and that's what I'm trying to do. I just needed to share in the meantime as it is all getting a bit much. Thank you to anyone who reads this.
My colleague took care of our horses in that life. He loved me secretly but assumed I was stuck up like my husband and that was why I wouldn't look his way once I was alone. In actual fact I loved him too, but didn't want to complicate his life. I also didn't think he deserved to be lumbered with me and another man's children after my husband had cast us aside.
What a pair we were
and still are. When we first started working together about three years ago, he was always sniping about something. It came to a head one day when he lashed out at me in front of four other people in an email for genuinely forgetting something and accused me of assuming he would sort it out. I did no such thing - it was an honest mistake - but what I heard loud and clear was the unrequited love of someone who believes all they will ever be to their ignorant beloved is a servant. Reading his message felt like being struck physically and I was stunned for a long time afterwards. That was when it began to crystallise in my mind what the history of the connection was.We are still working it out as colleagues but he has become a lot calmer lately. I have made efforts to show I appreciate him and that I will never take him for granted. His way of showing love is doing helpful things and he does those sometimes for my boss and I. It pains me to know he ever assumed I thought he was beneath me in that life. I was never that person. I cared and care for him deeply although I have not admitted feelings directly, and he doesn't talk about his emotions. We are at a kind of stalemate now in this life. It's always dicey at work because you don't want to risk your job or make it awkward, but I am struggling to control myself and he has already proven that he can't.
I have been very unkind to myself whilst justifying why I shouldn't say anything. Why would he ever want me, he must hate me, you'll get fired and lose him as well... It's as if I am experiencing the past grief of a woman who refused to let herself reach out for what she wanted, and even in this go-around I'm struggling. I know that is putting a heck of a lot of pressure on this situation, but that's how it feels. I don't know how it's going to turn out. I do know I have seen his past and current face in dreams, see horses and his birthday everywhere in both real life and dreams, and his name is the name my parents would have called me had I been a boy.
At work people call him by his surname, but using it fills me with horror. It's like addressing a schoolchild or a servant, and I will never call him by it. He has a first name and I will only ever use that name or a respectful nickname. Even now, I don't ever want him to feel less-than or do anything connected with treating him that way. I have recently bawled my eyes out watching "Mrs Brown" about Queen Victoria and John Brown, because in the darkest time of that life he was similarly devoted to me and I to him. People have told me before with past lives to let whatever is meant to unfold (or not) unfold of its own accord, and that's what I'm trying to do. I just needed to share in the meantime as it is all getting a bit much. Thank you to anyone who reads this.
