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3 year old and separation anxiety - please help

J

jasobel

Senior Registered
Last time I wrote to this forum was when my daughter was 2 years old. Now she is 3.5 and is still suffering the same separation anxiety fears when I part from her. I have finally placed her in a preschool setting, but 2 months later, everytime I leave, she is at the door screaming for me to return. I know this is not normal and it is worse when I leave her somewhere, like school. I have investigated every other cause for her behavior but I know in my heart it is past-life issues.

She is finally talking and able to understand more than when she was 2 years old. Any suggestions as to how I might get at the root of this anxiety? It is really tearing me apart.

Jill
 
Jill~~~

I am no expert on child psychology, however as a teacher I have seen this extent of separation anxiety. Not often, but I've seen it.
Has your daughter ever said anything about her dreams? Could they reveal anything?
Have you asked her why it bothers her so, or does she not answer?
My first thought would be that you 2 were perhaps separated in a past life; either she or both of you had not wanted to be separated, and she is still traumatized. Or maybe it was between her and a former mother. Or, it could be that she does not want to be separated from non-family.
Wait---is this her separation anxiety occurring mostly at school? It could perhaps have something to do with someone *there*. Once she is there, does she enjoy school as most preschoolers would?
Please let us know when you find out anything.

DJ
 
This happens whenever I drop her off anywhere, I really think she was separated either from myself or from her mother in another life whereby she was "dropped off" and her mother/caregiver never returned - perhaps abandoned her due to financial reasons or died while away. I have asked her several times to explain her fears, but really don't get very good answers.

Jill
 
Hi Jill, I do remember your story from years past and am sorry to hear the separation anxiety is still a problem. As you may remember, I suggested that the separations she endured from birth and foster mothers in this current life seemed traumatic enough to account for her anxiety. Eventually perhaps some therapy could help her deal with the residual fear. Perhaps it is not necessary to seek in a past life for the source of her trouble. Although as Carol has pointed out somewhere, patterns do seem to repeat themselves -- such as for instance when situations at birth seem to echo and reawaken situations at death in the past life.
 
Perhaps therapy would be warranted here, as much as I have tried to help her deal with this it is beyond my scope as a parent to help her. She craves the socialization of being with others, but her response when I leave is out of the ordinary "separation anxiety". I feel she is too young to inform her of her birthparent/adoption plan, but perhaps "play therapy" would help her get to the root of her anxiety. I am wondering if anyone here has a network/referrals of where I would begin to look for such a person?

Jill
 
To jasobel. I have just been reading in the forum about your daughter. My youngest daughter is now nearly 7 and we have had a great many problems with her because of past life memories. She also had severe separation anxiety . Things were so bad with her that she would not even let me leave her anywhere..even if I put her to bed I had to stay with her. In the end I found that the one thing which really helped was if I promised her that I would return at an agreed time..so to start with I would go back every 5 minutes and then it would be 10 minutes and then every 15 minutes. She is now nearly 7 and she has at last got over the worst of her separation anxiety but she is still not able to go her friends houses and play unless I go with her. I think that all you can do is to give your daughter lots of love and reassurance so that she knows that when you say you will be back at a certain time then she knows that you will be there. It is very difficult and tiring for you as her mum but with routine, reassurance and love things will get better. I know how hard it is to believe this but nothing lasts for ever! Hope that this helps a little.
 
Hi Jasobel,

My own regressions/experiences with this type of anxiety regarding a past life with my son helped me to understand his reactions and my own. And I think my own work unconsciously also helped him.

What I experienced in regression and in meditations would be brought into his consciousness on many levels -- without me saying a word and a sort of healing took place. May I suggest that you first work on you? Do mediations and regression work around it and see what comes up for you?

Just another thought.

Love and Light,
Deborah
 
Hi Jasobel,

Deborah and I are close cyber friends, and she has told me about your daughter's trouble..

Separation anxiety: seems to me that your daughter has in an important way not been able to go through the natural weaning, the detachment from the infantile state sometimes called The Oceanic State, or The State of Oceanic Bliss. This is the earliest state after birth when the infact does not see them self as being different from or separate from any other thing. In fact, they do not yet even know themself, are not aware of self. This early state is understood by both traditional psychologists as well as transpersonalists, by the way. I am by no means a psychologist, but I have recently studied a work that discusses this particular level amongst many others.

So why may she then not have been able to natuarally wean herself? There may be physical source to the problem in this lifetime, and there may have been a trauma in her past life that even prior to being reborn instilled a great fear of separation in her essential consciousness, her soul.

I know what Deborah's thoughts are on this, but she has not aired them here, so I will not do so in her place. I want to say though that if in spite of her gifts and her efforts Deborah is unable to help your daughter, I would suggest talking to a transpersonal psychologist. Good luck

Maarijk

[This message has been edited by Maarijk (edited 04-14-2000).]
 
Many thanks for all of your thoughts. I really do think that her anxiety is linked to a past life and will continue to pursue this .... I know in my own "past life" struggles what has helped me most is to be "gentle with myself". and not push myself through things. This is what I have done with my daughter and will continue to do until she is "ready" to remember or "release".

Jill
 
I hope I am helping. I am 16 and had severe seperation anxiety when I was very young, much like your daughter's. Even though it is not a problem in my every day life, I still get nervous if I can't find my mom in a store or when she or my father are a few minutes later than they said they would be. Personally, I know this is past-life related and I think most seperation anxiety is. You might want to go to someone who specializes in past lives or if the therapist is willing, have her talk to her about her past life or "memories". Past life trauma issues should be dealt with quickly because otherwise the child won't heal and will have to deal with a lot of suffering.
 
I think you will both be very interested in Carol's new book "Return From Heaven".

Hope you're all having a great day. Take Care, -Kat.
 
Her past life trauma could have manifest itself in a physical way that you might not have thought about. It is possible that like many anxiety sufferers that she has fluid build-up of the inner ear. This can result in a feeling of unreality, or dizziness, or being off balance. If she has had this all her life, she may only feel secure when she is near you, probably because you cuddle her and this allows her to use you as her balance when she is feeling this lack of control. Some say that the person has drowned in a past life. Occasionally they will develop asthma as well. The old school for treating this inner ear problem has been to cut out all salt and limit water, however these days views are changing to a moderate salt intake with higher water consumption, drinking until the urine runs clear or is very pale yellow. She would have to continue on this course for life. Your doctor is the best person to guide you with the safety of your daughter in mind. (It worked for me.)
 
I haven't read any of your previous (2yo) posts, but because I love kids, I wanted to respond.

So she is adopted, and spent some time with foster families before you became her parent? The first few years of a child's life are very important in forming attachments. Her strong attachment to you in such a circumstance speaks to me of her fear of abandonment in this life. It could certainly be compounded by abandonments in past lives, too.

If you meet her needs for attachment now, the needs will be met and fulfilled. If you pull away from her, her need to be attached could suffer and she will always have those unmet needs. I'd advise to do whatever it takes to meet her strong needs now, and work on helping her grow secure in your love.

She's old enough to talk to and explain things to, so use your words to the best effect, reassuring her of your love and *showing* her your love and committment by not forcing separation on her. Three is not too old, it's still a very young child (even if she seems six feet tall by the end of a long day!). '

Meet her needs now and she will cease eventually to be so needy. Refuse to meet her needs and she will find something else to fill that hole in her psyche - detachment, continually looking to relationships to fulfill her needs (looking for love in all the wrong places, you know the song) etc.

She obviously isn't ready to be apart from you if she still cries after two months of preschool.

By the way, my degree is in Child Developement, I was a live-in nanny for a year to a toddler and a special needs preschooler, I am a trained birth & post partum doula and have eight years experience as a preschool teacher and Center Director - so I've seen ALOT of kinds of kids.

Take care of yourself, too. A tired, frustrated, anxiety ridden mother needs some lovin, too!

Good luck and you sound like a very concerned, loving mother!
 
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