Thank you for sharing your story and concerns regarding having another child. I am new to this site and am a bit overwhelmed by all of this incredible information.
I would like to share my story with you. Prior to giving birth to my daughter in 1991, I suffered a miscarriage well into my 16th week. This was devastating news for me because I had no symptoms and had been feeling fine. By the time I had Kaite, my daughter and first born, I had healed considerably both physically and emotionally. I believed that my miscarried child would come back to me "at a better time."
From the very moment I saw her, I instinctively knew that Kaite was not my miscarried child. She had an incredible power unto her own and there was absolutely no doubt in her decision to be here. She was a completely separate entity.
My second child, Christian, was born only a year later. Admittingly, he felt familiar and more comfortable than Kaite, but I still felt he was not my miscarried child.
I longed for more children, but I had my hands full with the two I already had. Still young, I thought I would have more children when timing and finances allowed.
Move ahead 9 years. Kaite and Christian are now 9 and 10, my second husband does NOT want more children (he's fine with two), I'm continuing my education full time and had made peace within myself with having only two children.
One day a neighborhood boy, Luke, comes to visit. He announces that his mother wants to give up his brother, Jesse, for adoption. Jesse is a difficult child with severe emotional disabilities but a very good kid. So, amused by Luke's obvious humor I play along. However, the conversation escalades into a very serious situation. I decide to talk to their mother to see if this is true.
6 months prior to this new information, I had an encounter with Jesse that led me to believe he was mine. The moment I saw him I felt an overwhelming sense of love, of bonding that a mother has with her child. Of course I said nothing. It seemed surreal. However, it was powerful enough for me to say a prayer. I asked God to let me know if this child needed me in his life. I silently promised I would be there.
Between tears and sobs Jesse and Luke's mother confirmed Luke's story. She didn't know how to parent Jesse and he was getting worse. Knowing Jesse was going to be given to the state mortified me. I was grief-stricken. I didn't know what to do. My prayer was answered, but I felt like my hands were tied behind my back. My husband and family said they would not support me in adopting an 11 year old special needs child. Why bring problems into our "perfect little world?" Kaite and Christian were the only two allies I had and it was pretty unfair to expect them to comprehend the sacrifices we would all have to make to have another person living with us. However, they readily accepted him and wanted to rise to the challenge to help Jesse. My husband threatened divorce if I were to bring Jesse into our home. I knew Jesse would need both of us to help him through this kind of pain and that subjecting him to another adult that dismissed him would be detrimental. I spent almost 4 months in turmoil, crying, talking, thinking, accepting and ultimately deciding that I could not turn my back on this child. I knew I had the strength to carry us (Kaite, Chris and Jess) through my decision. My husband was an adult and could care for himself. If he didn't like my choice, he could leave.
Anyway (I'm getting off track here), Jesse moved into our home October 23, 2001. He is now a "changed" child. He has adjusted incredibly well to his new environment and still has contact with his mother and siblings. I can not describe the feeling I have of him being my own.
Jesse was born September 12, 1990. The due date for my miscarried child was mid September, 1990. I can't explain why I "lost" him but I believe with everything I am that he is mine. Perhaps I am simply making sense of a great loss suffered a decade earlier but I don't think so. I am grateful that we found each other.
My husband and I have worked through this enlightening life altering experience. We have all changed for the better and appreciate life more deeply than ever before.
In closing, I would like to share my thoughts regarding your decision to have your "tubes tied." Please consider your health above your children(s). If you do not have your health, you can not help them maintain theirs. Our children need us more than we will ever know. From experience, if you are to have another child, then he/she will come to you. You will always know your children, whomever and wherever they are.
In Light,
Dana
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The gem cannot be polished without friction nor the man perfected without trials
