Hello!
I am new to this forum and I have no previous experience of past life memories, although I often wonder if I may be an old soul in a young body. Since as long as I can recall I have had a feeling of being kind of blasé about the world, like nothing could surprise me because I've seen it before. I never get upset when I hear about atrocities or strange thins on the news. Rather I sense a feeling of knowledge that lies deep inside of me is being confirmed. It was only yesterday that my therapist whom I only met three times made a comment about my thoughts and reflections as appearing from a much older person (I am only 25). She continued by recognizing that I may be an old soul living through a young body. My therapist is coming from an academic point of view so I was very surprised about her opinion of me. But now to the point.
Last Saturday my mom and I paid a visit to Sachsenhausen concentration camp in Berlin. We took a guided, non-profit tour and spent about three hours on the camp site. As soon as we arrived at the station (Oranienburg) I had a strange feeling in my gutter. It was like I was suddenly disconnected to both my mother and the other in the group. The feelings of angst and tiredness but also curiosity grew stronger as we entered the gates of the memorial center. Suddenly I also became aware of a strange smell in the air that was very unusual. It was a sweet smell, kind of rusty but also very much like vegetation. It was both rotten and burnt at the same time and sometimes it reminded me of tar. The scent seemed to emerge from the buildings and the ground. As I walked through the entrance and the sign "Arbeit macht frei" the scent and sun that was burning got me into a state of wordlessness that lasted the whole visit. The first building we visited was the barracks were the inmates lived. It was partly burnt down and still carried the scent of wood being burnt. Walking around the reconstructed furniture, all in wood, was a revelation. I didn't need to hear the guide telling us about life on the camps, in my body I felt what the hard labour was like and getting up in at six for the appeal.
Throughout the camp as we entered the gas chambers, special prisoners-barracks and especially the hospital where medical experiments was being performed, I felt more and more sick and dizzy. The smell got stronger and stronger and my stress level prevented me from speaking. At one point, entering the huge tile-covered cellars where corpses was being held, I could not take it and had to run out. My senses collected every smell, sound and detail. The physical impressions became too overwhelming. Fortunately the tour came to an end which felt like a huge relief.
Afterwards, I was very tired and out of thoughts and I slept from the afternoon to lunchtime the day after.
The most significant thing occurring after the visit is that I constantly having dreams of being hurt or injured or hiding from being caught. Sometimes my mother appears in the dreams. A few nights ago I remember dreaming of my mother killing someone. I am sure it was my mother I saw, but in that dream reality I wasn't her daughter.
The theme of me being severly hurt is reoccuring and also the panic and fear of death, even though I am often sure of being assasinated.
I have never had dreams like this before, they are all vivid and very real and I wake up with a terrible anxiety. They contain a lot of details that I am unable to recall when I wake up and they never have "narrative dream logic" of weird or surrealistic things happening. Only this feeling of suddenly being in the middle of an unknown chain of events. The other night I woke up hearing my own voice crying in fearful protest of something being done to me.
Maybe, and that could certainly be the case, it is my vivid imagination and my urge get a physical understanding of the atrocities being commited by the Nazis? And also, is it morally right to be able to identify like this? I mean, no one who wasn't there could ever get a grip of what it was like under those conditions. No scientific research or good intentions could fully comprehend or interpret the massive trauma experienced by both living and dead victims. As a matter of fact, I don't think anyone should out of respect of their own testimonies.
But the thing is that I felt this connection to the jewish culture since I was a child, wanting to read about traditions, language and of course, the history of being subject of constant antisemitism and repression. Looking back, I can only describe it as feeling related to their situation. In addition, reading about other marginalized groups I also felt a strong connection, though more similar to an intellectual understanding.
My doubts about these thoughts makes it really hard to talk about these issues. Hopefully sharing this story will somewhat unburden my heart!
I am new to this forum and I have no previous experience of past life memories, although I often wonder if I may be an old soul in a young body. Since as long as I can recall I have had a feeling of being kind of blasé about the world, like nothing could surprise me because I've seen it before. I never get upset when I hear about atrocities or strange thins on the news. Rather I sense a feeling of knowledge that lies deep inside of me is being confirmed. It was only yesterday that my therapist whom I only met three times made a comment about my thoughts and reflections as appearing from a much older person (I am only 25). She continued by recognizing that I may be an old soul living through a young body. My therapist is coming from an academic point of view so I was very surprised about her opinion of me. But now to the point.
Last Saturday my mom and I paid a visit to Sachsenhausen concentration camp in Berlin. We took a guided, non-profit tour and spent about three hours on the camp site. As soon as we arrived at the station (Oranienburg) I had a strange feeling in my gutter. It was like I was suddenly disconnected to both my mother and the other in the group. The feelings of angst and tiredness but also curiosity grew stronger as we entered the gates of the memorial center. Suddenly I also became aware of a strange smell in the air that was very unusual. It was a sweet smell, kind of rusty but also very much like vegetation. It was both rotten and burnt at the same time and sometimes it reminded me of tar. The scent seemed to emerge from the buildings and the ground. As I walked through the entrance and the sign "Arbeit macht frei" the scent and sun that was burning got me into a state of wordlessness that lasted the whole visit. The first building we visited was the barracks were the inmates lived. It was partly burnt down and still carried the scent of wood being burnt. Walking around the reconstructed furniture, all in wood, was a revelation. I didn't need to hear the guide telling us about life on the camps, in my body I felt what the hard labour was like and getting up in at six for the appeal.
Throughout the camp as we entered the gas chambers, special prisoners-barracks and especially the hospital where medical experiments was being performed, I felt more and more sick and dizzy. The smell got stronger and stronger and my stress level prevented me from speaking. At one point, entering the huge tile-covered cellars where corpses was being held, I could not take it and had to run out. My senses collected every smell, sound and detail. The physical impressions became too overwhelming. Fortunately the tour came to an end which felt like a huge relief.
Afterwards, I was very tired and out of thoughts and I slept from the afternoon to lunchtime the day after.
The most significant thing occurring after the visit is that I constantly having dreams of being hurt or injured or hiding from being caught. Sometimes my mother appears in the dreams. A few nights ago I remember dreaming of my mother killing someone. I am sure it was my mother I saw, but in that dream reality I wasn't her daughter.
The theme of me being severly hurt is reoccuring and also the panic and fear of death, even though I am often sure of being assasinated.
I have never had dreams like this before, they are all vivid and very real and I wake up with a terrible anxiety. They contain a lot of details that I am unable to recall when I wake up and they never have "narrative dream logic" of weird or surrealistic things happening. Only this feeling of suddenly being in the middle of an unknown chain of events. The other night I woke up hearing my own voice crying in fearful protest of something being done to me.
Maybe, and that could certainly be the case, it is my vivid imagination and my urge get a physical understanding of the atrocities being commited by the Nazis? And also, is it morally right to be able to identify like this? I mean, no one who wasn't there could ever get a grip of what it was like under those conditions. No scientific research or good intentions could fully comprehend or interpret the massive trauma experienced by both living and dead victims. As a matter of fact, I don't think anyone should out of respect of their own testimonies.
But the thing is that I felt this connection to the jewish culture since I was a child, wanting to read about traditions, language and of course, the history of being subject of constant antisemitism and repression. Looking back, I can only describe it as feeling related to their situation. In addition, reading about other marginalized groups I also felt a strong connection, though more similar to an intellectual understanding.
My doubts about these thoughts makes it really hard to talk about these issues. Hopefully sharing this story will somewhat unburden my heart!
