Letting Go

[Spirit Sword]

A pattern that seems to be manifesting, both in this life and in my past, is the need to forgive.

I am slowly getting better at forgiving myself. It is still an uphill battle, as I am a bit of a perfectionist and hold onto silly mistakes I made even as a child. Knowing the type of large-scale destruction I have caused and aided in spreading in past incarnations has not helped. But I’ve learned to deal with it. I make jokes at my own expense, I look for a better way I could have handled the situation, I keep the lesson and try to move on. Instead of holding onto distaste for my actions, I’m trying to move my life in a healthier direction.

But I just cannot forgive others. For hundreds of years, I have been in this endless cycle of being betrayed time and again by those who were supposed to be on my side, sometimes by close friends or even immediate family members. I just get so angry at them. It is the same with rivals and other past enemies as well. I cannot let it go.

It does not even matter if I have the memory or the knowledge of the slight against me or of the combative nature of our relationship. I once saw a picture that vaguely reminded me of a certain historical figure I knew nothing about and I did not know at the time that the two of us were ever at odds. It still put me in a foul mood the rest of the night. Seeing certain names can be enough to make me cringe or send me into a rage. And it does not help that I seem to have once had a tendency to rub elbows with (and make enemies of) the people who defined their eras and shaped history. I cannot do research without coming across these figures who inspire so many negative feelings within me.

In essence, my question is this: how do you go about forgiving someone who has wounded you so deeply that your subconscious still carries that hurt centuries later?

 

[KenJ]

Spirit Sword, one of the books I'm slowly reading had this to say about forgiveness.

"Our capacity to love and forgive—to accept fallibilities in another and in ourselves—is our greatest strength. The Other Side showed me that in Joann’s reading. It is a crucial lesson for us all, because love and forgiveness are constants. There will always be someone in our lives in need of forgiveness. Sometimes that person is you. Yes, we can carry on in life without forgiveness, and we often do. We’ll say, “I’ll never forgive him for doing that,” and we’ll nurse a grievance for years, maybe decades, and sometimes even after the person is gone. Sometimes that inability to forgive follows us when we cross to the Other Side—until we realize our relationships continue past this life and the need for forgiveness never goes away. If we don’t learn this lesson, we are prevented from following a true path of light and from becoming our best and truest selves. But here is the most beautiful news: It is never too late to forgive. And it is never too late to ask for forgiveness."

Jackson, Laura Lynne. The Light Between Us: Stories from Heaven. Lessons for the Living. (pp. 92-93). Random House Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.

As you already know, forgiving those who have "wronged" you is short-sighted and forgiving yourself is often the most difficult thing to do. I'm truly sorry that you are finding this as difficult as you have indicated. I've been fortunate in that area, the perpetrators of the most "destructive" things were easily forgiven or out-lived long ago; the final one to become better friends with is me, and we're getting along pretty well despite his being an old-poop!

 

[Angie Brown]

A pattern that seems to be manifesting, both in this life and in my past, is the need to forgive.

I am slowly getting better at forgiving myself. It is still an uphill battle, as I am a bit of a perfectionist and hold onto silly mistakes I made even as a child. Knowing the type of large-scale destruction I have caused and aided in spreading in past incarnations has not helped. But I’ve learned to deal with it. I make jokes at my own expense, I look for a better way I could have handled the situation, I keep the lesson and try to move on. Instead of holding onto distaste for my actions, I’m trying to move my life in a healthier direction.

But I just cannot forgive others. For hundreds of years, I have been in this endless cycle of being betrayed time and again by those who were supposed to be on my side, sometimes by close friends or even immediate family members. I just get so angry at them. It is the same with rivals and other past enemies as well. I cannot let it go.

It does not even matter if I have the memory or the knowledge of the slight against me or of the combative nature of our relationship. I once saw a picture that vaguely reminded me of a certain historical figure I knew nothing about and I did not know at the time that the two of us were ever at odds. It still put me in a foul mood the rest of the night. Seeing certain names can be enough to make me cringe or send me into a rage. And it does not help that I seem to have once had a tendency to rub elbows with (and make enemies of) the people who defined their eras and shaped history. I cannot do research without coming across these figures who inspire so many negative feelings within me.

In essence, my question is this: how do you go about forgiving someone who has wounded you so deeply that your subconscious still carries that hurt centuries later?

Hi Spirit Sword,

Coincidentally, I had just mentioned I am meant to be learning to let go, when I answered a question on the occult in pl's thread. Although my problem with letting go is in a different context mine isn't the sort of need to forgive and detach as yours may be, and for me it isn't a matter of forgiveness as there is nothing to forgive those I most loved and from whom I haven't detached from the memory of. I hope my attachment isn't somehow reaching 'across the ether' and interfering with their progress. Simply to have sight of them, whether they are in spirit or in body, and to know how they are would be good. I wouldn't want them to know, as it could disturb them. I would so like to know if they are ok, or if they aren't then if I could do anything or not to help them. I seem to love very deeply, and when it comes to offspring I cannot seem to lessen the sense of duty that is borne of love. After all, my children in any life were brought into the world by me, and I bear a lot of responsibility for shaping them including where I have made wrong decisions that affected them negatively, or when I died when they were too young to lose a parent.

I have found forgiving difficult at times and still have resentments (from this life) rather than hate now. Letting go of love is what I have a problem with.

Best wishes,

Angie

 

[baro-san]

You can imagine that you are an actor that plays, over eons, characters in a play after another, together with about the same ensemble of actors. You all are method actors, and to a high degree identify with each character you play. Occasionally, it happens that you and another actor play in successive plays characters that have a similar report. It just happens that your character is dominated, and abused by the other one. You wouldn't hold it against that actor that he plays well his dominating and abusing character, would you?

 

[Spirit Sword]

Thank you all for your replies. I have been thinking about everything, and I think that my problem is that I am just too attached.

I love living here. Despite all of the trials I have been put through and the terrible things I have thought and done, and all of the considerable emotional baggage these have left me with, I love being human. I lust to experience the world and to hold onto those experiences. And I need to loosen my grip on them. It is an overall personality trait I need to process.

I know that logically, Earth is only a temporary place we visit again and again, and that people have their roles to play in each trip. But I believe in a fairly high level of free will, so in my experience, those people chose to teat me poorly, or we chose to be at odds. And I am a naturally combative person. I have a very "us-versus-them" outlook on life (although most people are included in the "us", it singles out the "them" even more). So, as I am trying to become less combative, I need to forgive old enemies. But to forgive old enemies, I need to be less combative.

I have come across the comparison of souls and actors before, which resonates with me as a person who was in theatre at one point. The problem is, even then, I was too into character. I would make sarcastic comments towards my characters' enemy characters; these were mostly in good fun, but I took slights against my characters personally. Again, I am guessing this comes down to some personality issues I need to resolve.

 

[Angie Brown]

You will get there. Being aware and at the stage of wanting to change it is at least half the battle. You'll be ok

 

[SeekerOfKnowledge]

A pattern that seems to be manifesting, both in this life and in my past, is the need to forgive.

Same here, and I also find it hard sometimes. When I hear about things like child abuse, as an example, it makes me very angry. Or when somebody harms or speaks ill of somebody I love. Even harder is to forgive myself, as I am a perfectionist, unfortunately, and at the same time often appear to be unable to do anything right...

 

[Mere Dreamer]

at the same time often appear to be unable to do anything right.

From my own experience, this belief is actually caused by a mental focus on flaws and mistakes first.

This tendency has been researched in depth and it's very clear that the physical mind only has room for whatever we most directly and habitually focus on. Example: If you only focus on red things you will not notice all the other colors nearly as much. They diminish in comparison, until you can honestly start saying "Everything is red these days. Don't people make things in other colors anymore?" I say "honestly" because this is the way your perception is honed by the focus you choose---knowingly or unknowingly---even though in reality there are plenty of items in other colors and if you started focusing only on blue you would soon find yourself capable of saying the same thing about that color as well.

The solution is to train your focus to both absorb (fully experience) and remember when you get things right. I guarantee you do things right constantly, but just dismiss those events and habits as unimportant.

If you're into reading on this topic, there's a useful book that I'm enjoying right now, written by an established psychologist. (Resilient: How to Grow an Unshakable Core of Calm, Strength, and Happiness by Rick Hanson) I highly recommend it.

Edit: Coming back to the main topic, I think these mental skills help with other reactions as well. Anger is a useful source of energy for things we actually can change, not only a negative emotion. (It becomes negative when we focus it on what we can't affect, or direct it inwardly and burn ourselves out, for example.) Learning to redirect that power into some useful skill, social activity, or even self improvement allows us to use it up and create something better without being trapped by it.

 

[SeekerOfKnowledge]

It's just phases, anyway. I more or less have come to a point where I prefer not to compare myself to others. Do not judge, neither yourself nor others, and there is no reason to feel bad. Life is not a competition after all, even though many people turn it into one (and sadly so, some people even turn spiritual development into a competition). Also you should live according to your own, personal morals, not to the standards given by society or others. To avoid misunderstandings, not speaking of being egoistical or violent here. Just of freeing oneself of rules and standards that do not harm anybody when they are not met.
Just sometimes, I fall back into the old thought patterns, dunno why.

OK, this response was a bit off-topic, so I better leave it at that.