• Thank you to Carol and Steve Bowman, the forum owners, for our new upgrade!

My friend X

Tanguerra, your story did strike something within me. As much as I preach singleness for teens and twenty-somethings and that 'you don't need a significant other to feel significant', I too have felt those same emotions, that somewhere out there is this person that I am looking for or that is seperated from me. I have dreamed about him. In contrast to your story, the person whom I dream about is not ever my partner or love, he is always my sibling. I've dreamed about him being an older brother, a younger brother and a twin brother. In all situation I was the sister. In all of those dreams he would just suddenly disappear and the dream would take on a completely different quality, with me obtaining sudden lucidity and realising that I am in a dream, that he is not real, and that I cannot get him back. It's always weird, like there is a sudden hollowness to the dreamscape, once I realise that it is just a dream. Very sad, they do cause me grief in my waking life sometimes but I'm coming to realise that I have some really excellent friends who make me happy and that in life I can only make more friends until the day I die, so if I never find this person I will not be disappointed :D
 
Awww, Ginger. :( You know, it's also possible he's discarnate now and is thus meeting you on the astral plane so very often. Whether he is or isn't, you could still try some excercises to contact him and find out more about him.


Good luck! :thumbsup:


Karoliina
 
Music and films can be very evocative of emotions. Several times they have triggered memories for me, particularly in relation to X as I described above in a couple of places. I think music speaks directly to the 'soul' without the need for words and thoughts and logic!


One meditation idea (for anyone who has a 'special' song that feels very significant in some way) might be to 'replay' the song in your head when you lie down to sleep quietly in a relaxed way, thus inducing a meditative and somewhat suggestive state. If your musical memory does not work that way, you could put it softly on a CD player or something and put it on 'repeat'.


Then, perhaps with hands lightly resting on your heart - forget about the words and so on - and 'dive in' to the feelings that the music evokes in you. What is it about the feelings of the song exactly that moves you? What is the precise feeling? What images spring to your mind - chase them down into their burrows and see what lies within.


If you fall asleep, never mind, no doubt your dreams will do the work for you. :)
 
X and I have been sharing an apartment now [purely platonic like brother and sister] for about six months and it all continues to go swimmingly. It is a bizarre combination of very normal and mundane (although always harmonious) domesticity, giggling childish fun (he can be very funny sometimes and so can I for that matter) and the occasional intense past life flash back (for me - he still doesn't believe in it and doesn't like to talk about it).


Sometimes he will simply wave his hand in the air in a certain way while talking and it will remind me of 'Nicholas' who sailed off and never came back, who had the same mannerism. That is the strangest bitter-sweet feeling when there is X sitting at the breakfast table, large as life, spouting an opinion about something in the newspaper. Other times, we might be just watching TV and I will look over at him and his face in profile is so startlingly like the pictures I used to draw as a child it is 'spooky' - if anything he looks more like them as he ages a little.


The other morning, to give an example of how weird it can be, I was sweeping up the crumbs on the carpet under his seat. He can't see very well, due to his various illnesses, and has a way of sprinkling crumbs around without noticing. Normally I really, honestly, don't care. He is usually a very considerate, neat and tidy housemate, apart from this one thing.


I have a regular morning routine which I usually do before he gets up; I put on the c0ffee, I feed the dog, I straighten the cushions, I sweep up the crumbs... No big deal - just mundane domesticity. But the other morning I was a bit tired and stressed (possibly a little hungover :eek: ) and felt a moment of vexation about this crumb sprinkling.


Almost at the same moment when I had this feeling of vexation, I had a 'flashback' to the Japanese life . I saw again the brief moments of pure happiness when we first met, the yellow kimono, the blood on the floor, and the many, many years of sorrow and disgrace which followed - flash flash flash flash. Suddenly I had to laugh at myself when I thought how I would have absolutely jumped for joy to have this 'problem' in relation to X, not only in that particular life, but in many, many others (including this one at some times).


It's weird. I know. But, it is all part of 'love without desire'. Sometimes my friends might carry on and complain to me about this or that annoying little thing their family members, kids, husbands, or whatever might do. I just try to smile and be sympathetic, but I just don't have that problem. Lucky me.


I am very, very blessed. (Touch wood!)
 
Last edited:
Hello Tanguerra. After a long, long weary day I needed to read something like that. Thanks for sharing! :) I'm so happy he is in your life again...


Tman
 
Tee hee Tinkerman! Yes, I am happy about it too. :)


Mindfulness, that is the key. Gratitude is good too. Who would think that sweeping up crumbs could give someone so much joy?
 
I don't know if it's a guided plan or not Curious Girl (I have my doubts about 'plans' in general which I have stated more than once).


Certainly there is something going on and it is something to do with 'love' and that's what makes the world go round after all. Certainly I get the feeling that we are breaking old patterns. Breaking the pattern is possible in particular because I remember all this stuff and can see the pattern and it's not a pretty picture! The fact that he is alive this time and I get to see him is a great change for the better! Is this part of a plan? I don't begin to know.


I think it is also, quite prosaically, that we just get along together well, have quite a bit in common and have stayed friends all these years despite many ups and downs because of this. But life is always part divine and part prosaic, isn't it?


Certainly for my part, I "remember" him, so I am much more inclined to take the long view and just be patient with any silliness on his part from time to time, overlook his various character flaws with good humour and understanding and just enjoy his presence in my life while it lasts (because I am very, very aware that nothing is certain and all things end).
 
Just a little note in the ongoing story of my friend X... He comes from a very old and rather distinguished and conservative family (full of judges and politicians and such) and he mentioned the other evening that his great grandfather, back in England, caused a family scandal by 'running away to sea' against his family's wishes and had had numerous affairs.


I expressed some interest in this tidbit of information which I had not heard before, wondering if that could have anything to do with this life I remember where he sailed off to sea and I never saw him again. I asked him if he knew the name of his great grandfather and whether it might have been Nicholas (which is also one of X's middle names coincidentally or otherwise).


He gave me a certain sly look (which I know means he does not want to answer) and said I would just have to work it out for myself. I have mentioned that story to him before and no doubt he immediately guessed where I was coming from (we know each other backwards). But since he 'does not believe in reincarnation' I am guessing either he just didn't know, but didn't want to say (he likes to remain mysterious) or it was true, and he didn't want to say so as not to encourage me in what he sees as my 'crazy' belief system!


I'll get to the bottom of it one day though.
 
Yeah, I would've forced him to blurt it out, in one way or the other :laugh: , but I know you're not that exctied to find validations, Tanguerra. :)


Karoliina
 
THis just made me think about how I tend not to want to pry someone very much about their life. I grew up with a grandfather ., my moms father, who did not have a history.. He would not give much information about his past.. He said he was an orphan but I always get these weird vibes about what he might have told my mom growing up had he really wanted to tell more.


He was at one point one of the wealthiest men in my country but her remained an unknown, just like he wanted it sounds like. He had some major confrontations in his business adventures where the big guys in his field took major illegal advantage of him, eventually taking most of his bussiness away from him. And that may not go down in history as it is not a well known fact. This trait of his secretivenss and eccentricity has made a big dent in my family dysfunctional dynamics. It was not talked about until I got older to protect things , so I am just beginning to understand some of my quirks.


BUt it did trickle down in the family patterns. My mom married a man who made his own secrets by becoming a spy for a short time{ a nice one doing it for his country} . Had it not been for my father telling me about all of this , albeit in secret away from my mothers ears, I might not have made sense of some of my personality quirks.


I sure am appreciative to my dad to not have kept his secrets a secret forever.. and I hope I can become better at not keeping my secrets when it is not necessary .. THis whole pattern about keeping secrets is not only from my most present generation but is found throughout my past life history.. It was referenced to in my most recent past life memory with my mom. I shall write later about this..


It sure is interesting what lurks in our past that can mold our personalities.


soulfreindly
 
Oh yes, I'm curious alright! It would make a terrific verification Karolina, you're quite right.


I did not turn up any 'likely suspects' by googling 'Nicholas X'. Mostly various obscure gentlemen and Anglican Ministers and people like that. So who knows? It is likely this particular chap never made much of an impression on history anyway (particularly if he was a bit of a 'black sheep' - sounds like my X alright!) so lack of an internet footprint is not conclusive of anything.


It's not really a matter of not wanting to 'pry', Soulfriendly. The name of one's great grandfather (if known) is hardly secret information. But, the question becomes sensitive, because reincarnation is a bit of a touchy subject with X and we usually don't talk about it much at all. It tends to make him a bit uncomfortable. This is hardly surprising either, if I am correct about all the 'bad business' that has gone on over the centuries. I haven't told him any of the most 'blood curdling' tales and have no intention of doing so either. Perhaps it's for the best he doesn't remember and doesn't want to? I do, and that's enough for both of us in my opinion! He has his own troubles and joys in this life and that's a full time job for him all on its own.


Besides I know when to push it and when not to. Knowing him as I do, he would probably just tease me by withholding the information if I kept nagging him, (he can be extraordinarily stubborn and is just as 'tough' as me in many ways) so the best thing to do is just to wait until he tells me all by himself, which he probably will one day when I least expect it (if he knows the name at all). :)
 
I am feeling very low at the moment. X is moving out. He wants to go and share an apartment with another male friend of his closer to town although it will be more expensive and much less comfortable and he has no furniture and there's no heating or anything. I have been in tears all week, but I've been doing my best to hide it and trying to be happy for him if that's what he wants to do. I'm glad that he feels well enough to 'go it alone' and be independent and take care of himself and everything and follow his own path or whatever it is he wants..... But it is very difficult.


We have not had an argument or anything like that. Everything was fine, then he said he's leaving next week. It's just the same old story. Sudden separation. Again. Oh dear!


I'm trying to keep 'a grip' - after all, this is not the worst thing that has ever happened (not even just this life), but .... :eek:


I really don't know what the future holds. But I feel that this might be 'the end' for us, at least this life. Maybe it is time for our paths to diverge? Maybe we won't even be friends any more? Maybe that's a good thing? Do I want to be 'free' too? I'm not sure. Perhaps this is all just a very bad habit I have to break? I am having a very difficult time processing it all and I can't stop crying (when he's not around). Oh dear! (Desperate, anxious, hyperventilating, miserable, going crazy, separation anxiety, not eating.... the works!) :(
 
Sorry Tanguerra,,, Hang in there... remember to be good to yourself.. X maybe marked the spot for you for the time you had together.. but others can and will come along.


You have learned from your time together. Try and remember the positive and the other stuff is temporary. It can be a memory . Right?? There is alot of life to go..


Leaving is always hard.. there never seems to be enough said ... Can you judge what exactly it is that you fear will be different in your life without him>?? I wonder that there is some strength you can look to and say to yourself you can show this to someone else and that someone else will be the one who will embrace you for it.. ie there is someone else out there to show you more love.


Times of change sure do suck.. but they will change. , Keep on believing in yourself , keep on eating , keeping on reaching out. . The best to you


hug3.gifhug3.gif soulfreindly
 
Awww Tang, I'm sorry to hear that :(


I know how these profound soul connections can bring you such immense joy, yet at the same time such a terrible sorrow so deep in the heart. They are complicated and frustrating and beautiful beyond measure.


I'll be thinking of you - and sending some good thoughts your way.


Remember to take care of yourself. Be sad - be angry and upset - but make sure to eat and get plenty of rest - You are important! hug2.gif
 
I'm sorry to hear you're feeling this low, Tanguerra. :(


Hang in there, as things happen for a reason, imo, and maybe it really is the best thing to keep some distance to X, as these deep soul connections can wear one out in many ways - and stop life from happening around you.


Keep us posted on how things are going, and take good care! hug2.gif


Karoliina
 
I never know the right words to say when something like this happens, so I'll just say I'm sorry to hear you're feeling like this tanguerra, and echo what the others have said already.


I'm sure this is not the end for you and X, he's moving out of the house, that doesn't mean he has to move out of your life too. I'm sure you'll always be friends .......make sure you're always friends, you have the power to make that happen - ;)


Take care of yourself.
 
Oh... I'm speechless.


There's really nothing more I can say, I can only second what everyone else said already.


Keep yourself together, T. Hang in there. Whatever happens, it will hurt less, time given. It will get better, even if it's just because it has to. :(


Take care of yourself, please do. We love you here, and we need your strong heart and clear mind. #G^H


Keep us posted


Love


Welsh
 
Dear Tanguerra, I was saddened by your news and your broken heart. I feel like Ailish, that these events with our twin souls are all for a grander purpose...they'll always be with us. There are great joys and great pains but they all equate to life and living and meaning. You are blessed with beautiful (and not so nice) memories and deep understanding of the spirituality involved. Place your arms around them and savor the greater meaning.


I have had some very intense issues myself lately with my "Ms.A" and it has stirred the cauldron of emotion both good and bad. The hurt seems like it will never go away, the welling deep in the pit of my stomach is a daily reminder of the paradox of how close we are, yet how distant we are. Yet in it all WE ARE. Her advice to me once, and I share it with you, is TRUST.


Be well my friend, love, light and prayers to you.


Tman
 
Thank you all for your kind words. I am trying not to overreact, but this is stirring up all sorts of unpleasant associations from the mirky depths which have lain dormant all this time - grief, abandonment, rejection, loss, mistrust, betrayal, etc. I know what you mean 'cauldron of emotion' Tinkerman! Indeed. It is deep down inside the pit of the stomach (and everywhere else as well!)


I am trying not to take it personally as a rejection of 'me'. I have actually begun to think, from things he has been saying and the general 'vibe' he is giving off about the planned move (although we are barely speaking at the moment) that this is all about 'stalking' his ex-girlfriend 'Y' (the other point in the 'love triangle' Oy!). The proposed new digs are two doors up from her place and he has been speaking rather agitatedly about how he 'might run into her' from time to time once he moves. This is actually the only reason I can think of that makes sense at all because it is going to be more expensive and less comfortable, secure, etc than sharing with me. We were perfectly content with our living arrangements up until last week. At least I thought so! I know he is still a bit upset about her from time to time, but I thought he was beginning to get over it.


I have never met her and don't have any 'sense' of her at all (although nobody I know who has met her seems to like her except him) but the thought occurred to me the other night that she might be 'someone' such as the husband from the incident in Poland??? Certainly he is very obsessed with her which makes me wonder what the karma must be between them.


Don't worry about me though. Although I am very upset at the moment, I will get over it. I always do. This is not the worst thing that has ever happened (even this life) but I definitely feel a 'time out' is called for between us as Karolina says. Maybe another seven years? We shall see. :(
 
How are you getting on now tanguerra? We haven't heard from you for a while, people are worried about you - :confused:


Are you and 'X' still not talking? Hope you're taking care of yourself and maybe feeling a bit better about things now - hug2.gif
 
Thanks Chris. I am feeling a bit better, now that I've got over the initial shock. Dang that man! :mad:


For a week or so there I did plunge into a state of terrible despair, flashing into all the other times when things went horribly wrong and all the misery and upset that followed. These past life associations can bring up feelings of deep love, but also sometimes deep despair depending on what's happened. I flashed through Japan, Poland, Germany, England... all that loss and longing and sadness. Awful!


I did a lot of meditation on it all (every night!). It was kind of strange to observe how all colour and light and taste and joy suddenly vanished from life when he said he was leaving. Talk about separation anxiety! :eek:


I told myself I was being irrational and tried to sort out my feelings into some kind of order and separate this life from all the others and remind myself to 'get a grip' for goodness sake! After all he is only moving 5 minutes up the road!


Relations have improved and are kind of back to normal again now that I have got out of panic mode and he has realised that I am not going to have a melt down about it. I have learned from long experience to use reverse psychology with X if I want to influence him in any way. He can be quite stubborn, independent and contrary - sometimes rather foolish (he's always been like that) and so, I just suffer in silence and wait with bated breath to see what will happen next. I have told him I will miss his company, but other than that have hidden my upset as much as possible from him and just say 'Do what you want to do, as long as you're happy, whatever. I'll miss you, but don't worry about me I'll be fine...'


It is actually only a couple of days before the (several times revised) date when he is supposedly moving out, but he has stopped talking about it, where before he would not stop (much to my chagrin) and has not started packing or anything. I suspect that the harsh financial reality of his plan has hit home and he really can't afford it, but is too proud to say anything. He pays rent here, but at pretty cheap 'mates rates' and I have all the modern conveniences and comforts that he will have to forego (like heating, a kitchen, bathroom and laundry!) if he carries out his plan to live in an empty shell with his friend above a shop. All his friends and his mother have told him he's crazy to move out, especially given the precariousness of his health, although it has improved enormously in the past year he has been sharing with me in a comfortable, safe and stable environment. So who knows, perhaps it won't even happen and it was all for nothing?


Dang that man! :laugh:
 
Glad to see you have moved through some of it Tanguerra .. IT is an up and down thing life eh?? I am into a slump of my own just when I thought only two days ago that things would surely be great... ie one layer was removed , but alas another is under neath.. I shall keep on telling myself that layers are inevitable and this layer of this onion will soon be cooked too.. hehe..


Keep on trucking.. soulfreindly
 
I'm also glad to hear that you're a bit more settled about things now.

tanguerra said:
I suspect that the harsh financial reality of his plan has hit home and he really can't afford it, but is too proud to say anything.
Click to expand...
Does he know that your door is still open should he change his mind? Maybe you can think of something to say to let him know that he still has the option to stay without denting his pride too much, make him feel like it's his idea though - ;)
 
Yes, Chris,


It's a tricky one. I was talking to some of our friends about it just today. They are mostly in agreement with me that it is all about Y and not about 'me' as such. They agree that Y won't have him back (she has a new partner now anyway and has rebuffed any attempts on his part to contact her, write to her or speak to her for the past two years) but that he thinks she might if he was not living with me for some whacky reason of his own. I don't even think she knows or cares what his living arrangements are - she is not part of our 'set' so how would she know, even if she was interested? They were more of the opinion that she will get a restraining order on him if he starts hanging around her place and bothering her rather than suddenly softening her stance towards him! :laugh:


Still 'moving day' draws near and he has no money so I don't think he's going anywhere any time soon. I'm keeping 'mum' for the moment, but we will have to talk about it soon I guess. I am thinking in some ways it will be a bit of a relief if he takes his melodrama somewhere else! I'm a bit over it just now, that's for sure. Maybe it would be a good thing for all concerned if he found out for himself that Y really wants nothing to do with him - the sooner the better?


That is one of the funny things about X - he is a bit inclined to 'copy me' although he would staunchly deny it! I think he sees his 'constancy' towards Y as a virtue, in some kind of strange mirror to my devotion towards him? Perhaps? ;)
 
tanguerra said:
That is one of the funny things about X - he is a bit inclined to 'copy me' although he would staunchly deny it! I think he sees his 'constancy' towards Y as a virtue, in some kind of strange mirror to my devotion towards him? Perhaps? ;)
Click to expand...
That sounds like an interesting theory.. And something I think that could have its roots for sure in a past life..


SO do you think it is good for him and you to maintain this devotion? Life is not all that long and maybe more choices at this point should be made??


soulfreindly
 
Ha ha! If X only did what was 'good for him' he would not be X! :laugh:


And if I worried about it too much I would go mad! :eek:


But, as I said early on in this thread, this 'constancy' is a change in pattern for him, so that can't be a bad thing. If Y is 'someone' such as the husband in Poland (or whoever) that he (we) may have done a bad turn to in the past, and he is deciding to be 'faithful' to her now (after his fashion) that can't be a bad thing.


There must be some karma between them in any case. He has certainly not carried on this way about any other woman, certainly not in this life, or any other as far as I know. I'm sure it will work itself out in time one way or the other.
 
Well, I guess it's about time for an update. I know everyone is dying to know the next chapter in the 'adventures of my friend X'? :laugh:


Well, there's not much going on, on the outside really. Although, there is plenty going on, on the inside, if you know what I mean. It is hard to put into words. I will do my best to summarise. X moved out of my apartment about 3 months ago now, and after lots of internal (and not so internal) complaining, sulking, crying, carrying on, whining, weeping and plenty of solitude, lots and lots of deep thought for a few weeks (or so), I'm fine with it. Yes, really (truly, deeply). :)


It was just separation anxiety that distressed me (on a grand scale, of course). He lives. He breathes. All is well. This is a wonderful state of affairs and a wonderful insight that only makes sense if you have been through what we (I?) have been through with him. There is no death. There is no separation. There is no need to fear and no need to grieve.


I have seen him 'around' a few times since he moved out, of course. He only lives a little bit up the road after all. Apart from taking a tumble off his bicycle recently and dislocating his shoulder, he's fine in his own inimitable way. :)


We have not been seeing as much of each other as we did before, because, frankly, I am enjoying a bit of (mental, physical, emotional and 'other') 'space' really and he has been busy (still) trying to get his new digs in order, fixing his bicycle....


When we have seen each other, it is as it always was; amusing, delightful, intellectually stimulating and fun, but with a lot less 'angst' on my part really. Which is very good.


I have been thinking about unrequited love this week, in response to Tinkerman's recent post and its relationship to 'love without desire', etc. etc.


On the whole, the situation with us is in a kind of 'stasis' and I am liking it. It is really quite delightful.


Could this be 'love without desire'? Are we there yet?


Somehow I doubt it, but time will tell! :laugh:
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top