My Grandaughter looks at me with my Mother's eyes

[MonaBee]

I suspect my youngest grandchild may be my Mom. Natalie is just three years old. Her Dad was my Mom's favorite grandchild and he loved her dearly. His youngest daughter arrived almost three years after my Mom's death. Natalie looks very much like my Mom and has her eyes. She looks at me with my Mom's eyes! But it does not stop with just the resemblance. My Mom and I had a very stormy relationship, we were always 'butting heads' over anything and everything and now Natalie and I are doing exactly the same thing! When Natalie was two, we were looking at an old family album. She pointed out photos of me and said 'That's my baby!' When she talks to me, I hear my Mom's voice, her inflection and attitude are almost exactly the same. She began to speak very early, and seems to have formed some very definite opinions about everything! She also has abilities, interests and knowledge far beyond her years and that none of my other grandchildren have. (I have six others) The whole family says she is more like a little old lady than a three year old. She even 'mothers' her older sister. My most important question: If she is my Mom I would like to stop the conflict with THIS lifetime. How do I do this? I love this child DEARLY and I know that she loves me. Every time we get into a conflict, I try to stop, hug her and tell her that 'this time we will do things differently.' I just don't know if this is enough or the right thing to do. Can anyone help us?

 

[Galadriel]

It sounds like you are doing what I would reccommend. Every time you find yourself in a situation that you want to change, stop and reinforce new behaviour. One question, have you read Carol's new book Return From Heaven? If you haven't I would suggest you do so. It is about same family reincarnation, and it might give you some ideas on how to deal with your granddaughter.

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Galadriel aka Megan.

There is no such thing as too many books. Too few bookcases can become a problem, however.

 

[MonaBee]

Thanks for your reply, Megan. I haven't read the book, but will do so. This is a new experience for me and I am so afraid of doing the wrong thing and causing more conflict between us.

 

[madison]

MonaBee,

That sounds like a wonderful thing to do, a very good way to respond.

Can you think back on how you were "stuck in a rut" with your mother and practice moving the conversation in different directions before hitting the same ruts with your granddaughter? Can you recognize the same family systems (patterns of interacting) that might bring conflict now?

Good luck. Sounds like she's back

 

[MonaBee]

I've been giving this a lot of thought. Our main issue seems to be one of 'control', each of us wanting to control the other when we are in the 'elder' position and rebel against the other when we are the 'younger' position. One of the things I thought I might try with Natalie is to let her know what I expect of her and find out, if I can, what she expects of me. I give her and her sister freedom to choose their activities while they are with me. I do my best to see that they are safe (that's a big worry) and that's an area of conflict for us. She really believes that she can take care of herself! I also try really hard not to laugh when she criticizes my housekeeping or questions my choice of hair cut or why I'm wearing lipstick. I know she's serious and she never ceases to amaze me with her comments and questions!

 

[Carol]

Mona Bee,
It sounds like you're on the right track with your granddaughter/mother in figuring out what patterns need to be changed. Some of it has to be taken with a good sense of humor, as when she makes comments from her "mother" perspective. But the rest has to be worked out so you can both learn from the past. Sounds like you're doing just that.

I'd like to hear more about Natalie's specific remarks from your mother's perspective. You may use one of these moments as an opportunity to inform her that she's the child this time! (Do it in a loving way, of course.) She may need to hear that, especially in issues of safety.

Good luck! Let us know how things progress and what you realize from this experience.


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Carol Bowman
http://www.childpastlives.org

 

[MonaBee]

Hi Carol, Some of Natalies recent remarks:
'Why are you wearing lipstick?!?'
'What a mess!!'
'There, I cleaned up your house for you.'
in regard to my housekeeping.
All said with the same tone and expression as my Mom.

She was brushing my hair after I had gotten a haircut:'You don't have much hair here!'
Me: 'I had my hair cut.'
N: 'Who did this to you!?!'
M: 'My friend Pam.'
N: 'And you LIKE it?!'
M: 'Yes, I asked her to do it.'
N: 'Oh, OK then.'

Natalie was looking over the contents of my china cabinet and found my Mom's demitasse set: 'Oh! Are these mine? Yes, they're mine. Where did you get them!?!'
Me: 'You gave them to me. You can have them back when you're big.'
Natalie: 'Oh, OK.'

This past Easter all of the ladies were in the kitchen preparing deviled eggs for dinner after the egg hunt. Natalie and her older sister Anna were 'helping' to peel eggs. Anna peeled one egg and went off the play. Natalie stayed in the kitchen peeling eggs, matching speed and ability with the adults. She helped mix and season the filling and filled the eggs. She also had opinilns about the seasoning. She wasn't quite three years old at the time.

I tried something new this last Friday with her. When we started one of our conflicts, I told her that it is my turn to be the 'big' one and her turn to be the 'little' one and that she can tell me what to do when she's 'big'. She accepted it!

I missed a lot of opportunities with her when she was very small and prefacing her remarks with 'When I was big' and 'When you were little' because I wasn't aware and just didn't see. She isn't doing that as often now. Could she be forgetting it?
MonaBeee