• Thank you to Carol and Steve Bowman, the forum owners, for our new upgrade!

New girl - My own scarlet letter.

AnOrchid

New Member
Hello, everyone. I joined this forum 3 years ago under another name, when I was first learning about reincarnation. I didn't remember joining so I signed up under a new name recently. I only made 2 posts back then, not of much significance. I'm kind of nervous about sharing my experiences, but I've decided to just jump in anyway.

My most recent past life seems to have ended only 6 years before my birth in this life. Most of what I have remembered is very disturbing to me, and I hate the person that I was in that life. The guilt is haunting me in this present life.

I was a man (I'm female now), in Maryland, born in 1942. My mother was Mary, a petite blonde woman who apparently loved sunglasses. My father, Henry, was tall, heavily built and dark haired. I have only had one memory of him so far, he died when I was very young. We were Catholic.

I worked on the boardwalk all the summers of my teenage years. I didn't enjoy my youth. I had to be the man of the house. I believe I met my wife, Sarah, on that boardwalk when we were teenagers. I was older than her (by 6 years). I remember chasing her on the beach, she was wearing a bikini. I talked to her in a Daffy Duck voice. She loved Daffy Duck. It made her laugh. We were married at her family's church, St. Catherine's. Her veil was like a lace/cloth on her head.

I saw my son, Jim (only I called him Jim, everyone else called him Jimmy), as a toddler at a backyard BBQ. He was running (stumbling) around smiling and laughing. He wanted me to hold him but I had no interest. I eventually picked him up and handed him off to someone else. His hair was blonde when he was very little, and got darker with age. He was born in 1968.

We went to Disney World when Jim was 6. I thought we should wait until he was older so that he would remember more, but Sarah wanted to go. I bought her a Daffy Duck there.

I took Jim to the aquarium when he was 8, his mother wasn't there. We were looking at sea turtles. I was very bored and made us skip a lot of things so we could leave.

I remember the day we took Jim to register at school. I had on a coral colored button up shirt and tanish pants. It was a red brick building and I realize it's a church of some sort due to the odd structure on the roof. (I actually found this church online and it looked just like it did in my regression! Sweet verification!) It was the church we were married in, St. Catherine's. They had a school behind the church. We took Jim inside and signed some things in the hallway, and then they took us to a classroom. I guess it was a parent's tour or something. I was interested in getting out of there. I remember a strong urge to go. This was taking longer than I had anticipated.

I was always looking at other women. My wife was pretty and sweet, but I didn't appreciate her. Always unfaithful in my imagination, I finally acted upon my impulses with a very young red haired girl. I remember a "one time thing" with her, at my work. I don't recall much else about her, except one flash of being on the sidewalk near work, and the girl drove by in a car with her friends. She leaned out of the window and blew me a kiss with both hands. I was afraid someone saw. I didn't acknowledge her.

The bulk of my memories from this life are of the day of my son's 10th birthday party, the day of my death.
 
Continued...


The party was at our home, in July. It was a small house, but it was "all we needed." We only had one car. The living room is decorated in dull orange, with a few nautical things around. Namely, a ship's steering wheel clock above the mantle. Jim's room was decorated in lighthouses. We had a neighbor couple and their young daughter as guests, as well as my mother. My wife was wearing a white or light colored dress that was sleeveless, flowing, about mid-calf length. I had on penny loafers, a light plaid shirt and a light blue jacket. I was slightly overweight. Jim was sitting on the floor at the coffee table waiting, wearing a party hat, smiling and chatting with the little neighbor girl. My wife and mother were in the kitchen, getting the cake ready to bring in. The phone rang. I answered, and I heard the young red haired girl laugh on the line. Immediately I knew who it was, and I was terrified. She called my house! I don't remember what was said after that.


Sarah and my mother brought the cake in, and after Jim blew out his candles my wife came over to me and put her arms around my neck. She kissed my cheek. She was so sweet and warm. I was cold to her. I made an excuse to leave. Something about batteries that Jim would need for one of his toys. He hadn't opened his gifts yet, but I insisted that he would want the batteries as soon as he opened a certain toy and that I needed to go to the store and get them. They decided to wait until I returned to open the gifts.


I went out to the car and Sarah came after me. I'm still not sure why. As I drove away I could see her watching me leave from the front lawn. It was 4 o'clock, and windy. The sun was in her eyes, and she made a visor with her hand. Her long brown hair and dress fluttered in the wind. I remember thinking she was so pretty. I had to confront the red haired girl immediately. She was going to ruin my life, I was afraid. I wasn't going to the store. I was going to the girl. During my regression I said aloud, "Stupid girl," very angrily.


I was crossing an intersection and a car or something ran into me on the right hand passenger side. I don't know if it was my fault or the other car. I don't know if what I remember next was after I passed out and regained consciousness, or if I was already dead and didn't realize it yet. I felt intense pain in my right side when I remembered the accident. I screamed "No, no, no-" repeatedly, and then everything went black very fast. I was dead. I was 36. I think my car was a blue Oldsmobile.


I didn't "leave" right away. I went home and saw Sarah cleaning up wrapping paper. She seemed sad. I wasn't there when he opened his gifts. Jim was in the backyard playing.


I saw my mother at my funeral wearing "those **** sunglasses."


I feel like I need to mention that I did not remember these things chronologically, but pieced them together from my journal so it would be easier to follow.


In my most recent regression, I decided to speak aloud what I was seeing in order to remember it better. Usually I am silent, as I use guided audio so there is no one to actually speak to. I had no southern accent and my voice was low and my speech pattern much different than my own. I sounded like a man, not from the south, using my voice. I also was "told" that until I "deal with this" I will not see lives any further back.


I didn't appreciate my wife and son. I was a bad father. Terrible husband. But I always looked after mom. I don't think I had many friends. So serious and cold.


I know that I have to forgive myself, and learn to forgive others. I have alienated my entire present life family because I cannot forgive them for various things. I don't know how to forgive! I can't even begin to understand how I am supposed to "deal with this."


Sorry this is so long but I really felt like I needed to share. Advice or responses of any kind will be greatly appreciated. Thank you for reading. :)
 
Hello AnOrchid.. I remember your old name and thought it was cute..Welcome back .. glad to see you are sharing.. This is one of the finest medicines I found for healing.


I would not put alot of stock into your idea that you will never remember any other lives until you resolve this one. From what you have written and comparing it to my healing, I think it would be good to do some regression to other lives. There can be a thread of issues that can bring about more understanding and resolution when you trace the theme of roles people play from life to life. You have the ability to remember alot , so I am sure if you take the time you can remember others.


If you find it difficult to get beyond this idea that you should not remember, then that is the key issue for you to work on. Maybe this man wants to be remembered more than is just right. His guilt could hold you back.. but dont let it.. you have a long history of other lives with exciting and rewarding lives where people loved and you loved. Dont be afraid to go back and relive these times.


I think it is also important to work around the people you were born around -- ie immediate family and freinds. I like to go between present life issues, past life issues and being in my present and living regular life .. The variety can give great perspective


I am just wondering in your case because you were born within the 20 th century your angst can be because we as a society have made such big changes in our definitions of what is right. So for a person now, your behaviour looks rather rough , but back then it was not so noticeable. I think doing some reading from that time in history of the area you were from, or asking older people of their stories back then might make it easier to understand and forgive this man..


Plus also being born into another gender can make your conscience that much more irksome as I do think that women and men do learn differently . So for you , having guilt for that man you were , is alot because you may have developed your female side alot more in other lives and are thus alot more aware of the things you would not have done as a man.


:thumbsup: Keep on trucking..


soulfreindly
 
Welcome back, AnOrchid. :)


Thanks for sharing! Those are very detailed and vivid memories you've had. :thumbsup:


Like Soulfriendly, I think mere sharing is helping you already. Maybe you also need to find out if your "issue" from that lifetime is treating your family badly, or if you just need to be able to forgive yourself. Probably both. It would be difficult to say from an outsider's point of view, what you're supposed to work with specifically, but I suggest you ask yourself (or your oversoul, so to speak) this question before your next regression.


Keep us posted!


Karoliina
 
Thank you guys for your replies. It's been a while since I've checked the forum.


I have been able to somewhat let go of my lingering issues associated with that life. I've been able to start forgiving a lot of people in my current life, and even my self for things I did in my most recent life. I also have much less fear driving. Since then I have also had glimpses of other lives, which is very exciting to me! I feel like I am finally moving on.
 
Hi Orchid!


Thanks for sharing all this with us! I also think that talking about these issues is a great step towards finding out how we can use the things we have learned to make our present life better and more fulfilled. I'm very happy to hear that you are walking that path, and I look forward to hearing more about those other lives you are now uncovering! It is very exciting indeed! :)
 
Hi AnOrchid.


Nice that things are improving for you.. Getting in touch with our past can seem difficult at times , but I now like to remind myself that it is for the best in the end . Once the can has been opened , we can make use of this gift to help ourselves.


I went back to reread your thread I was glad to see how I have moved onwards too in the things I have been grappling with. I was aware of something that now makes more sense==ie I have more of a sense of how it works personally. Back when I wrote it , I was still grappling with the concept of it..

soulfreindly said:
Plus also being born into another gender can make your conscience that much more irksome as I do think that women and men do learn differently . So for you , having guilt for that man you were , is alot because you may have developed your female side alot more in other lives and are thus alot more aware of the things you would not have done as a man.
I myself have learned more since posting this, to balance this dichotomy in me. I really think now that this can be a key to healing our spiritual frustrations. We know on one level we can do better but because of the social mileu we are born into , our mind is more directed towards what is taught to us in the present life.


Nice that your soul layers have begun to become revealed. :thumbsup:There are always ups and downs to our journey, eventually finding more and more balance .Keep us posted on those other memories surfacing ..


soulfreindly
 
AnOrchid --


I'm curious ... since you have such vivid memories, is it possible for you to try to find out who this past life was and try to contact the family he left behind? Not that I necessarily think this would be a good idea, but have you thought about this at all?
 
Hi AnOrchid,


While reading your post I was seeing your life as if it were a movie I was watching...hmmm. In your last life you were cold to women and never saw them as 'human beings' just as 'annoyances' to you. Now you are a woman and living both sides in your awareness; your past with your present. Just remember, the most important life is the one you are living NOW. This past lifetime is sad and empty. See what you can do to encourage your sensory development; feel everything, tell people you love them, love yourself and grow beyond who you used to be. Take time to smell the roses...and hold babies :)


Maybe sit outside on a lawn with a notebook and begin to write everything you feel as it comes up in your mind. Practice word association and see what emotions come up, then write it down. Your last life was just one lesson..and we all have many we work on simultaniously so other lifetimes will surface for you in time. Thank you for coming back and posting this! :thumbsup:


~Zengirl
 
Jody said:
AnOrchid --
I'm curious ... since you have such vivid memories, is it possible for you to try to find out who this past life was and try to contact the family he left behind? Not that I necessarily think this would be a good idea, but have you thought about this at all?
I agree with the question you that Jody asked. Do you know exactly who you were in that recent past life? Do you remember any telephone numbers? Do you remember your Social Security, or similiar identification number?


If you can prove this reincarnation case, perhaps you should contact your past life family. It must be done carefully. But it might be a nice thing.


Respectfully,


Andrewx
 
Jody said:
AnOrchid --
I'm curious ... since you have such vivid memories, is it possible for you to try to find out who this past life was and try to contact the family he left behind? Not that I necessarily think this would be a good idea, but have you thought about this at all?
Honestly, yes, I have thought about it a lot. Just the thought of it makes my stomach tie up in knots. I have recovered a few names of my past life family and even located the neighborhood where I lived, the church I was married in... but the thought of really finding them fills me with terror. I have no idea what was made public about this man following his death, if they remember him fondly or with hatred... and I wouldn't even know where to begin explaining the situation to them. However I am infinitely curious about my past life son. I find myself thinking about him a lot.
 
Oh, and I want to thank everyone for these wonderful replies. I don't really have anyone to talk about these things with. My best friend believes in reincarnation but is also very... flighty. It's difficult to carry on a linear conversation with her about pretty much anything. Haha...


As I said before, I've been able to recover a few other memories that I want to share with the board, but I think it's best to start a different post with them! :thumbsup:
 
You might find Jenny Cockell's book Across Time and Death helpful. She had a longing to reunite with her family from her previous life and she did so. Her search and inevitable reunion with her children turned out well... It is a lovely read.. There is also the movie called Yesterdays Children I think.. based on her story.


If the need to pursue something feels kind of right then maybe it is in order to bring some lose threads together..
 
Back
Top