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Past Life Grandma

J

jujam

Member
Hello - I just found your site and registered. Very happy to have this forum. I just read the Advice for Parents that Deborah posted and that was helpful, though I'm still struggling. I'm a mom of 2 young girls and an avid reader of all things that support the eternal soul. Even prior to having children I was well-informed about contacting lost loved ones and the soul's journey so of course with my kids I have always been on the lookout and looked forward to it.

Well, I have to be careful what I wish for. My 7 year old used to make vague comments about her other family, including lots of dramatic events that ultimately sounded quite similar to the plot of Beauty and the Beast ;) My 4-year old, however, is a bit more clear. She makes strong statements about wanting to "go home" and her different mother and brother. She assures me often that we don't die and has very specific requirements about how she is to be treated (i.e. she will not tolerate being called cute - she can only be called strong and smart and nice, also won't tolerate "man-handling")

I am motivated to write at this time because of a situation that's becoming intolerable. I am estranged from my own mother. She lives in a different state. I have, however, encouraged the facilitation of the relationship between her and my girls by my husband. So my kids know her. But only slightly (one visit a year). What's happening now is my 4 year old is pining for her "grandma" uncontrollably. She asks for her all the time. She begs for us to understand that she is "a good visitor kid". She will cry no less than 4 times a day to see her. And I'm talking inconsolable crying.

She talks about all the things she used to do with her grandma (that have little resemblance to what she has actually done), how she used to sleep in her bed and pick berries etc. My husband and I thought that perhaps at 4, where kids are in preschool and learning out other kids' lives including their grnadmas that maybe she was just trying to feel like the other kids in referring to her grandma. But the intensity of the crying fits is out of control. Even if she gets reprimanded for not listening or some real little kids thing, she bursts into inconsolable crying tantrums about missing her grandma. We thought maybe this IS about her real grandma - but honestly, they've has so little contact that I just can't imagine there is enough relationship established to warrant the intensity of her outbursts.

So it's finally dawned on me that we're probably talking about a past life grandma. I'm totally down with that, no problem. I allow her to talk about it if she wants and keep that forum open and safe for her. But it's driving me CRAZY! On a selfish note, I feel like I am obliged to provide her with a grandma relationship to respond to her pleas - but A) as I mentioned, I don't have a relationship with my mother and B) I'm fairly certain it's not my mother we're talking about here anyway.

Any advice on how to calm her? It seems futile to pursue the real grandma. But the wailing about the past life grandma is becoming unbearable. Sorry for being so long-winded. I hope I don't sound like an intolerant mother because I truly am not. I think this particular example is pushing buttons for me. And further forgive me if this topic is posted all over the place on this site. I'm approaching this post hastily as it is feeling like a bit of an immediate crisis.

It's so ironic how eagerly I anticipated this evidence of past lives in my children and now how much I'm counting the days til the 5-7 year "wear off" period.

Thanks for any advice.
 
Hi Jujam,


Welcome to the forum, I hope you'll like it here. It certainly is a very real and frustrating problem you have. In many threads we have adults describing how they yearn for their pl surroundings - fortunately adults are able to see the line between what is now and what is the past. A small child must be so frustrated when they can't see what's what, I imagine.


Unfortunately I can't give you any advice on your problem, but we have many wonderful members here with much knowledge on these things :)


Again, welcome :)
 
Hi jujam,


I agree with Sunniva - I think it can be very confusing for a child to understand the separation between past and present lives. I've remembered past lives since I was little - and I do remember experiencing some confusion over wondering where exactly these other mommies, sisters and family members were.


Have you thought about having your daughter draw pictures of this other grandma? When she starts talking about picking berries with her, or some other activity - perhaps you could jump in before she gets worked up and say, "I've got a great idea! Let's draw a picture of it together!" Then ask her to explain her picture to you. Make it fun for her - and be sure to praise her drawing ;)


Art is very therapeutic for children - and it may be a way for her to express more about her pl or even present day issues.


Have you read Carol's book Children's Past Lives? I'd definitely recommend it if you haven't.


Here are a couple other threads that may help you:


How can you tell the difference between a child's fantasy and a true past life?


How do I talk with my child when she talks about her Past Life?


Best of luck, and please keep us posted,


Ailish
 
Hi Jujam,


Welcome to the forum.


Your daughter's behaviour does sound a little extreme and must be very tiring for you! No wonder you are at your wits end!


The others have already given you very good advice. Drawing pictures is a good way to give your daughter positive attention as well as a creative way for her to let her feelings out.

Even if she gets reprimanded for not listening or some real little kids thing, she bursts into inconsolable crying tantrums about missing her grandma. We thought maybe this IS about her real grandma - but honestly, they've had so little contact that I just can't imagine there is enough relationship established to warrant the intensity of her outbursts. So it's finally dawned on me that we're probably talking about a past life grandma.
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As a person who has been remembering past lives ever since my own childhood, and also as a mother of two children now grown, I will give a few general parenting suggestions of my own. Feel free to ignore or accept this as you wish.


Whether or not this is about a past or present life Grandma, or just her way of expressing her distress about the family break-down or she is being a little prima donna who has found an excellent method of getting lots of attention (and getting out of trouble) the treatment is the same - patience, understanding and firmness.


Personally, while being very understanding about it, kind and gentle I would not indulge this behaviour too much. If she is crying I would give her a cuddle and repeatedly explain that she can't see her grandma right now because it is just not possible, then distract her with something else, like a colouring book or whatever (do not reward this behaviour with lollies or candy or any other sweet treat).


If it happens more than once in the same day (particularly if it occurs when she has just been 'reprimanded' for something) I would start trying to 'extinguish' this behaviour by simply ignoring it, which means not punishing, shouting, pleading or paying it any attention at all other than to say quite calmly 'We can't see Grandma darling. It's not possible'. Then just keep yourself busy doing something else, folding washing or whatever and wait for it to blow over as you would with any other common, garden variety naughtiness.


Reincarnation is perfectly natural. There is nothing particularly special you have to do about it that you would not do regarding any other behaviour or upset your child might experience, from a scraped knee to a dead gold fish. Hopefully before long it will settle down. Please keep us updated with your progress.
 
Good advice - thanks!


Drawing pictures is very good advice. I will try that for sure. And yes, I have read both of Carol's books. I didn't have this grandma issue (or even this child) when I read her books, so perhaps I should revisit them.


I will also check out the links.


It just breaks my heart if I stop and try to imagine the confusion and sense of loss she's genuinely feeling during these crying spells.


Thanks for the forum!
 
Good luck Jujam,


Kids are a lot tougher and more adaptable than you might think. I am sure if you stick to the program she will start to come out of it before long. Try not to distress yourself unduly. The calmer and more matter-of-fact you are about it, the more she will pick up her cue from you.


Best wishes and good luck with everything.
 
Hi Jujam unfortunately I dont have any advice that I can offer you myself but there is alot of great threads about children remembering pastlives here. I just want to say welcome to the forum and good luck with finding some answers.


Kind Regards


Kay
 
HI jujam,


I would also like to suggest you revisit Carol's chapter on Triggers. It addresses HOW we as parents can be the cause for the child's behavior or connected to the reactions. This is not to say you are - but to suggest a broader scope of possibilities for your situation.


I am going to take this opportunity to share with you a case that happened a few years ago. A woman was seeing a counselor for months regarding her sons (twin boys age 3) because one was so emotional and would have outbursts that no one could find the cause. The three of them would attend every session. The counselor finally sought outside help from a woman that was very clairvoyant and from whom he had built a trusted relationship with. The clairvoyant woman said:

The woman lost her boyfriend in high school, he died in a car accident. She has never gone through the grieving process for that loss. The twin that acts out - is that boyfriend reborn. She needs to heal - not the boy.
Click to expand...
The counselor went back to the woman and asked her - "Did you ever have a boyfriend in high school?" She had never brought it up at the counseling session, nor had she ever mentioned a boyfriend. The woman burst into tears...and sobbed saying the love of her life was killed in a car accident -they were to be married after graduation.


The counselor was then able to help the woman heal from her grief and go through the grieving process, never mentioning that the son was her boyfriend. ;) In a few weeks, the boys behavior improved, and in a month he never acted out in outbursts again. The counselor did not need to work with the child...although he was connected to the whole scenario - it was the mother that needed to heal.


I hope you find this story helpful - and if not - at least enjoyed reading it.
 
That is an amazing story. It really put things in perspective.


Thanks for sharing that Deborah :thumbsup:
 
Great story...if a bit daunting!


It just opens up the possibilities to unlimited options. I have occasionally thought (based on comments from my daughter during her outbursts about Grandma) that she could be a relative on my mother's side, possibly my grandfather, who is attempting to guide a reconciliation between me and my mother, OR is possibly desperately trying to reconnect with his daughter (my mother with whom he had a similar disconnected relationship). In fact, now that I think about it, my daughter has similar features and disposition of my grandfather. Hmmmm...definitely something to ponder!
 
That's a very good insight Deborah.


It may well be the case that there is some 'unfinished business' between them of some sort. Either way, it will no doubt work itself out over time.


Perhaps you could try getting your daughter to write a letter (or dictate a letter) or draw a little card or something for her grandmother which you could mail? It might be a fun thing to do together, and who knows might start to heal the rift in the family both past and present?


Best wishes with it all.
 
HI Jujam,


My son started to get a little better when he finally talked about the whole past life story and I was able to tell him about reincarnation. My son missed his past life mother the most. When he told me of her death, he cried. He was 5 at the time.


When he talked to me about it and i was able to tell him about reincarnation and that he might not see his past life family in this life and if he did, the wouldn't be exactly the same people, he got much better.


We went from him wanting us to buy another house because he thought his past life family would be there, being accused of kidnapping him from his past life family to now, at 7, he thinks it was all a dream.


But having that conversation where he got to get it all out so to speak was a real turning point.


If you choose this method, I'd be careful to not ask leading questions but to ask open ended ones. Like-when she talks about grandma, maybe ask where grandma is now and what her name is. Just to get the conversation going and see where she takes it. Maybe ask her what she misses most about grandma.


The most important thing is even though the behavior is frustrating is not to minimize or invalidate her feelings. My son missed his past life mother. He grieved for her. However, just because she is dead and frankly there is not a thing I can do about his feelings of loss, does not mean that he is not entitled to those feelings and to all the grieving that requires.


Even if it is your mom that your daughter is missing, she still has some feelings about it that she might have to deal with. You are her mom and that qualifies you as the expert on your daughter--truly. If you think that she is just trying to get attention or to divert your attention or if you think she is trying to manipulate something, then she probably is. However, your inkling really seems to strongly be that this behavior is past life related in some way---so it probably is.


Vicky
 
More aware now


Now that we're more tuned in, I feel like the information is coming more rapidly. I was just reading a post about the hypnotic effects of car rides when yesterday we were on the freeway and out of the blue my daughter asked me if I remembered the fire with grandma. I encouraged the conversation and tried not to lead. I said that I don't remember the fire but could she tell me about it, she just said that the fire at grandma's was so really all over. I said that it sounds scary and she solemnly agreed.


I've since clued my husband in on my theory and fortunately he believes me. So we're both paying attention. Sometimes she'll say that I don't love her that only grandma loves her. I have said in the past that I was so sorry she's missing her grandma, but that I love her so much and am so glad she is here with me now. I do intend to have a real conversation with her about reincarnation, but she just still seems so young and unable to process that info. But I have heard or and read accounts of people having these similar conversations and they've helped so I guess I'll give it a try.
 
HI Jujam,


If her crying spells continue and she seems to become more distressed, may I suggest that you contact Carol Bowman for advise? You are doing the right thing by not leading her, by watching and listening. Keep an open mind to all of the possibilities and if I was you - I would hold off on talking to her about reincarnation. Keep a journal and take notes, that and read everything you can get your hands on about children's experiences and what researchers such as Carol, Jim B. Tucker and Stevenson suggest.


Kelly stated an important point in the thread Ailish posted above about HOW to talk to your child:

Clean language is basically a way of bringing a child to their own truth or realization of their memories, through their own thoughts and/or words; it means not encouraging them - by spoken word or tone of voice - to search for something within them just because you believe/wonder if it’s there. Children are very sensitive so it’s important not to put our own “theories” or “assumptions” across in any way, either by our reactions, tone or question.
A lot of the time, the “real truth” inside can be quite far from our own imaginings and this putting forward of our own assumptions can cause the child to wander off from their own thoughts and memories and instead layer over them with our own. In a nutshell, using clean language means GUIDING and not LEADING
Click to expand...
 
Hi jujam,


I am curious how your daughter is doing. Did any of the suggestions in this thread help?
 
We eventually got passed that. I think she just moved through it on her own and it eventually went away completely. I had forgotten how significant it was until I received your inquiry and went back and re-read the whole account of it. It IS good to have this stuff written down because it does fade away. She's 5 now. She doesn't talk about much anymore. But there was definitely a concentrated period of time when she was remembering a lot.


Thanks for checking in!
 
Thank you for updating us :)


and thank you also for pointing out how important it is to write things down - I hope this inspires new and old members to do the same


but most of all it's good to read that the little one is fine:)


Clivia
 
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