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Possible Memories of the Holocaust

Red Night

Red Night

Member
A few days ago I came to the decision to let my memories come to me and to stop trying so much, and almost instantly that night, I can't even remember what triggered it, this happened:

I was holding a little boy in my arms, my brother, and we had just arrived in a concentration camp. As we were standing on the platform a man (SS) took him out of my arms and my brother and I started to scream each other's names and I was panicking. He could have only been around five years old. I was was probably around twenty. As I was screaming for him a girl, who must have been on transport with us, put her arm around my middle and pulled me away as I was being hysterical, and at that moment I vomited right on the spot and gave in, hoping we would see each other again.

I don't really remember discovering he had been killed, but I found out soon and, in a way, lot my sanity.

Before we had been sent to this camp (I don't know which one) I know I lived with my parents and, of course, my little brother. At first I felt we were German, but I think we may have been French, but my boyfriend was a German solider, so I really don't know.
The only person I really cared for was my little brother, who was much more of a son to me. Our home hadn't been a happy one; it wasn't dreadful or anything, it just wasn't happy. My parents fought a lot and really weren't the nicest people. I love my little brother with all my heart and I was much more of a mother to him than his actual one. I planed with my boyfriend to take him and have the three of us move away when the war ended.

I don't know what happened, but something obviously did. We weren't Jewish but someone must have done something to anger the Germans because we were soon sent East.

I don't know what happened to my parents, but my little brother was killed. I wasn't the nicest person wherever I was. I envied the guards and would often rat out my fellow prisoners firstly because I really did believe we should follow the rules that had been set out for us, secondly because I felt it would put me in the good graces of the Kapo and guards (it didn't) and thirdly because I think a sick part of me enjoyed seeing those poor people getting punished for their misdeeds. I wasn't a horrible person, but the only innocence I knew had been taken from me and I didn't care about anything anymore. I felt I had no reason for living and I was a bit crazy because of all this, honestly. I was too eventually killed.
I believe the only friend I had at the camp was the girl who pulled me away at the platform, when I threw up. Even though I'm sure a part of her must have really been disgusted with me for how I acted, I think she understood me at the same time and never fully left my side because of this.

The camp doesn't really upset me, what gets me the most is my little brother.

I'm happy with myself for finally not idealizing my life before the war, thinking I had some great, wonderful life. I'm also glad I have been, over the past six or so months, come to terms with my odd feelings of almost pride towards the Third Reich. It was hard, I never wanted to think I could have been on 'that' side even partly, but I accept it now.
Also, when this started all 'coming to me' I felt almost as if I could finally put 'over and done' with on that chapter of my lives. Which makes me think this could be the real deal.
 
Very interesting memory!


I'm sorry for what happened to your PL brother. :(


But I'm glad that its over and done with, for you.
 
If you were French, there is a good possibility, that your boyfriend could have been German.


I read an article awhile ago on the BBC News site about the children of such relationships. Even the movie Das Boot (uncut version) portrays a relationship between a French girl and a U-Boat crewman.


The lines, even though on the surface, seem very clear cut in a war...are, in fact, very blurred.
 
I would also like to say that if this isn't real, what I feel like I'm remembering, all that really matters is that it has made me feel more at peace with the past and that's what matters the most, I think.


Thank you Ignotus :( .


And Kaptian, I knew there were those who had relationships with the Germans, but it just made me feel a bit unsure I suppose.


It's funny, because when I was first remembering my brother being taken away, I heard myself yelling 'no' in German. But I guess if I had had a German boyfriend he might have taught me a few German words.


I feel guilt about being attracted to the power the Nazis had, I think that's what I feel the worse about. I didn't realize how awful everything around me was, even in the camps, and I think I wished to be one of them when I saw the power they possessed. I also think I found myself attracted to the male guards for their overall power and that I feel horrible about too, especially since at times I still feel it, but thankfully nothing ever resulted from it... I believe.


I think one of the lessons I was to learn in this life was how to find my own happiness and to not depend on people. I think in my previous lives I let those around me dominate my feelings too much and I've really made strides in this life to overcome that.
 
Auschwitz-Birkenau? Do you remember the Kapos? What did they look like, their names? What kind of buildings do you remember?
 
I don't remember any names and I'm afraid I've seen entirely too many pictures of the camps for my what I see to be independent of outside influences.


The only things I actually see in my mind are the following:


1. Sitting in my bedroom with my boyfriend talking in the daytime. I can't really make out any strong details, like facial features.


2. In the bath with my little brother.


3. Having my little brother taken away.


The rest is really just a knowing.


Why so curious, if I may ask?
 
Really? Could you possibly tell me more, in PM if you feel uncomfortable posting it here? It would be very interesting if you could confirm my memories, but if it's just the reporting to the Kapo it's probably only a coincidence.
 
I remember from a dream a particular woman, who would do just about anything to save her own skin. While, I don't know if it was you per se, but this one was allowed to keep her hair, and she had darkish hair, and high cheekbones, and a rounded nose. This woman would rat out anyone, and "throw" her self at the kapos, and some indulged. But we would all laugh and say there goes so and so again. In fact, there was another prisoner there, that I believe she fought with and it turned physical.
 
I don't know if I would have thrown myself at the Kapos, and I don't know why my hair might have not been cut, but... anything's possible! And really I don't think I cared about living; if I died or not didn't matter to me. I was depressed and didn't feel I had much of a reason for living. It doesn't make much sense really, I can't explain it. Even though I admired the power and would have liked, I think, to have been a part of it, it's almost as if it were all a game. And I liked being in the good graces of those in charge; I think it must have been the feeling of approval it gave me...
 
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