aqualeo
Senior Member
Posting here feels genuinely nerve-racking, I'm currently attempting to NOT feel absolutely nauseated to be actually talking about this by blasting cheerful synth pop lmao. Anyway, I still feel the need to be doing this because I just feel so odd keeping something so emotional a complete secret. You know, for "don't think I'm crazy" reasons :"-) I don't want to go in on WHY I believe this might just be my past life JUST YET (since I'm already stressed haha) but I have my suspicions that I may have discovered my past through a very lengthy magazine article from 1976. This might end up being long, I don't know. I'm bad at brevity (#autism...no I'm not being tasteless, I'm serious), but I will try my best:
I think that I might have been one of the Marcus twins, likely Stewart. If you don't know who that is, I don't blame you. I'm honestly glad that if I have to have a "famous" past life, it's someone BARELY famous, I would feel even more embarrassed otherwise, no shade to anyone with a more glitzy past life. The short of it is that the Marcuses were very successful twin gynecologists from New York, who died young in 1975, and caused a bit of a media stir--when their bodies were found rotting together in their apartment--as well as a stir in the medical industry, which realized it had to address the matter of doctors addicted to prescription drugs, like the ones which had a hand in the two deaths. Stewart was the slightly more boisterous twin, a lifelong bachelor who, true to his name (steward), returned to his brother's side when Cyril's (name meaning: lord. interesting, no?) health took a downturn. The two were the inspiration behind the David Cronenberg movie, Dead Ringers, based on a book by Bari Wood called Twins, and have now become the inspiration for Rachel Weisz's gender-bent rendition limited series, which came out this year.
Funny enough, her (well done, in my opinion!) show had nothing to do with my realization, but was just an example of the rather unnerving synchronicities I have begrudgingly noticed piling up, which actually seem to extend way into the past of my current life. I first found out about the story after watching the Cronenberg movie with my girlfriend, last summer. At the time, it wasn't quite so popular, being rather old. I had never heard of it, but I was highly BOTHERED by it before we even watched it. I had the odd notion that watching it would devastate me, based on nothing in particular. Upon checking it out, I thought oh yay I'm not devastated! Wrong, spoke too soon. The story began to itch under my skin, prompting research, which led to the Esquire article that absolutely haunted me with how personally targeted I felt it. My mood was incredibly dark the next day--like, bereavement--just from the residual feelings awakened the night before in my hours (I think. It is a LONG article) of reading and crying. I have done a lot of crying any time I have tried to acknowledge any of this, anyone relate? Trying to read specific moments (specific words, even) of this "past life" out loud have made me completely choke up, every time.
Aaanyway, I just wanted to get this off my chest, because it has brought up a lot of repressed (because it was so illogical) grief about the weird halfness, so to speak, that I have long felt. My username, aqualeo, is in reference to this little problem. Despite being (somehow) known as a pretty "logical" INTJ type (I get lovingly mocked a lot for this lol), my biggest woo woo vice is astrology because I loveeee anything to do with patterns, pattern recognition being my main skill in life. According to astrology, my south node or past life energy is Aquarius, and my north node, or the energy I should move towards adopting, is Leo. The one person I have vaguely spoken about all this with (without at all mentioning my past life suspicions) is my dad, and he agreed that my south-north node placements align eerily with both the fictionalized and real versions of the story that's been plaguing me. I'm not gonna get into why that is, rn, because that would be a lot of astrobabble I don't feel up to. But recently, I had a breakup with the aforementioned girlfriend, and my dad and I (bless his heart for putting up with my bizarre topics of interest) discussed the fact that at the very least, I could consider the synchronicities to be the encouragement I needed to work on my self esteem, or in woo-ier words, work on moving towards the independence of Leo. Even if this wouldn't be my past life (I do have reasons to think that it IS though), it has certainly helped me with self reflection and growth.
....but I admit that I am still struggling to emotionally accept what I have finally intellectually accepted: that I have GOT to stop feeling like I NEED my "other half," real or not, and have to start embracing my wholeness as is. At their most drug-addled, the Marcus Twins were notorious for shocking patients by putting on each other's persona with the casualness of shrugging on a lab coat. Unethical as that was (no for real, hypothetically, why did "I" have to be so problematic lmao) I can't stop desperately yearning for that kind of twoness, which I feel I had been ignorantly trying to replicate through means such as partnering with (only once, thank God. it's a bandaid but it peels off eventually) codependent individuals. Breaking free of this desire to be one side of a two-faced coin feels like gnawing off my own leg to get out of a trap. Half of me is always perfectly functional (exams panned out well hey heyyyy) and even happy, especially now that I've been healing old wounds. I mean, I've been feeling so much better...but half of me is still always screaming on some low volume, like I'm being flayed alive by every second I am forced to endure wearing a face that cannot be anyone else's but mine alone. And don't get me wrong, I like myself just fine. I just want more.
What feelings do you struggle with "from" your past lives?
I think that I might have been one of the Marcus twins, likely Stewart. If you don't know who that is, I don't blame you. I'm honestly glad that if I have to have a "famous" past life, it's someone BARELY famous, I would feel even more embarrassed otherwise, no shade to anyone with a more glitzy past life. The short of it is that the Marcuses were very successful twin gynecologists from New York, who died young in 1975, and caused a bit of a media stir--when their bodies were found rotting together in their apartment--as well as a stir in the medical industry, which realized it had to address the matter of doctors addicted to prescription drugs, like the ones which had a hand in the two deaths. Stewart was the slightly more boisterous twin, a lifelong bachelor who, true to his name (steward), returned to his brother's side when Cyril's (name meaning: lord. interesting, no?) health took a downturn. The two were the inspiration behind the David Cronenberg movie, Dead Ringers, based on a book by Bari Wood called Twins, and have now become the inspiration for Rachel Weisz's gender-bent rendition limited series, which came out this year.
Funny enough, her (well done, in my opinion!) show had nothing to do with my realization, but was just an example of the rather unnerving synchronicities I have begrudgingly noticed piling up, which actually seem to extend way into the past of my current life. I first found out about the story after watching the Cronenberg movie with my girlfriend, last summer. At the time, it wasn't quite so popular, being rather old. I had never heard of it, but I was highly BOTHERED by it before we even watched it. I had the odd notion that watching it would devastate me, based on nothing in particular. Upon checking it out, I thought oh yay I'm not devastated! Wrong, spoke too soon. The story began to itch under my skin, prompting research, which led to the Esquire article that absolutely haunted me with how personally targeted I felt it. My mood was incredibly dark the next day--like, bereavement--just from the residual feelings awakened the night before in my hours (I think. It is a LONG article) of reading and crying. I have done a lot of crying any time I have tried to acknowledge any of this, anyone relate? Trying to read specific moments (specific words, even) of this "past life" out loud have made me completely choke up, every time.
Aaanyway, I just wanted to get this off my chest, because it has brought up a lot of repressed (because it was so illogical) grief about the weird halfness, so to speak, that I have long felt. My username, aqualeo, is in reference to this little problem. Despite being (somehow) known as a pretty "logical" INTJ type (I get lovingly mocked a lot for this lol), my biggest woo woo vice is astrology because I loveeee anything to do with patterns, pattern recognition being my main skill in life. According to astrology, my south node or past life energy is Aquarius, and my north node, or the energy I should move towards adopting, is Leo. The one person I have vaguely spoken about all this with (without at all mentioning my past life suspicions) is my dad, and he agreed that my south-north node placements align eerily with both the fictionalized and real versions of the story that's been plaguing me. I'm not gonna get into why that is, rn, because that would be a lot of astrobabble I don't feel up to. But recently, I had a breakup with the aforementioned girlfriend, and my dad and I (bless his heart for putting up with my bizarre topics of interest) discussed the fact that at the very least, I could consider the synchronicities to be the encouragement I needed to work on my self esteem, or in woo-ier words, work on moving towards the independence of Leo. Even if this wouldn't be my past life (I do have reasons to think that it IS though), it has certainly helped me with self reflection and growth.
....but I admit that I am still struggling to emotionally accept what I have finally intellectually accepted: that I have GOT to stop feeling like I NEED my "other half," real or not, and have to start embracing my wholeness as is. At their most drug-addled, the Marcus Twins were notorious for shocking patients by putting on each other's persona with the casualness of shrugging on a lab coat. Unethical as that was (no for real, hypothetically, why did "I" have to be so problematic lmao) I can't stop desperately yearning for that kind of twoness, which I feel I had been ignorantly trying to replicate through means such as partnering with (only once, thank God. it's a bandaid but it peels off eventually) codependent individuals. Breaking free of this desire to be one side of a two-faced coin feels like gnawing off my own leg to get out of a trap. Half of me is always perfectly functional (exams panned out well hey heyyyy) and even happy, especially now that I've been healing old wounds. I mean, I've been feeling so much better...but half of me is still always screaming on some low volume, like I'm being flayed alive by every second I am forced to endure wearing a face that cannot be anyone else's but mine alone. And don't get me wrong, I like myself just fine. I just want more.
What feelings do you struggle with "from" your past lives?
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hah, yeah im always like "journeyyy 
today is where your book beginssss the rest is still unwritten
...oh jesus i hate what this site does to my poor emoticons lmao an emoji smiley face is so much more threatening. alas.
that's so true tho, i would def be doubting myself way more if he were more well known, that would def be worse than having other people raise an eyebrow, you're right! aside from that, it honestly annoys me to see the clickbaity titles (lot of horror movie words like Creepy and Twisted and so on) people make for him, so that adds to the gratitude that he isn't more known. though it's a bit sad that due to just being part of a one time news event, I don't know the names of Cyril's kids, etc.