Thanks for the replies.
@BenjaminFR Mine is also an SSRI module, actually I've been having very vivid and weird dreams since starting the medication, some of them semi-lucid dreams so that's why it makes no sense that I can't seem to meditate. During the day my head just seems in a fuzz. Am not sure even if taking these things is beneficial to me, but was told it can take months to help.
@John Tat Yes, I'm fully aware that the medication alters the chemical makeup, which is why I was willing to give it a go in the end. Depression runs in my family. I find it interesting what you say and will cogitate your words. You make some valid points. I believe actually that's not far off what is happening. I shall persist for the meantime and see if I can reach some clarity.
Hey,
Just wanted to give you a more developed testimony of my experience with these chemicals. And how I ended up giving these up and living a life without them.
I was prescribed antidepressants and anxiolytics after a very long and acute depressive episode that led me to give up on everything that gave my life a sense, to the point where I found it unbearable to live, so I barely ate and stopped bathing properly, let alone engage in any social interaction.
When that arose, medication helped. It definitely helped, although it had its fare share of side-effects. I actually see it in a similar way as the chemotherapy drugs my little patients take, on my line of work. They have a heavy pathology (and depression/anxiety is a heavy disease, no matter the cause), and deserve a thorough attention. Like my cancer patients, it was deemed that the benefit/risk balance was worth it to alter my brain with these SSRi-class molecules, in order to dampen the symptoms. And I found that, indeed, my thought process and emotions were altered when under the treatment. My anxiety was like a demon I saw through a bulletproof glass, some frightening monster I could still sense but was separated from me by a barrier: I soon found within my reach to engage in activities that built up my morale, my physical strengh and my social interaction. In that way, the medication helped.
Yes, there was strong side effects, in my case loss of libido, and the overall feeling that I was « numbed » by the drugs. It also strangely affected my aversion to risk: once, I was filling up my gas tank at a petrol station at night in a shady part of France, and a group of tough guys made fun of me from a distance: I walked up to them, completely relaxed, and confronted them. They must have thought I was crazy as they apologized profusely. I was completely immune to fear, something I would have never done normally. There was also the overall feeling that all emotions I felt were a bit off, like if I saw them from a distance.
But it helped. One day, I came to the conclusion that I was ready to give up on the medication (something I discussed with my psychiatrist) and slowly I gave it up. It was a bit weird to feel everything fully once I was myself again, but I strongly doubt I would have been able to build a lifestyle to cope with my depression without medication.
As of today, I have kept the habit of taking natural treatments against anxiety (Rhodiola Rosea) once a year during Autumn to cope with the loss of Sunshine and low temperatures. I feel that I have now an experience to deal with onsets of anxiety to handle the stress when it arises. It’s not always sunny and bright in my head but at least I know the reflexes to tackle the problem when I feel it’s starting again.
I believe that depression and anxiety, since I suffered from it since childhood, will forever be a demon that follows me like a shadow, but since I was treated I was able to learn what a life without anxiety is and I learned a great deal from it: it takes discipline and listening to my feelings to keep it at bay, but it’s doable. I hope you will find from this episode a lot of inner strengh, Landsend, know that depression and anxiety is something you can and will beat!
