Holocaust PL--effects?

[cailee gouthro]

At the age of four I remember being chase after by a tall German man in the green uniform, knee high black boots. He had that cruel smile on his face, the same look he gave when he was about to torment someone. As The spirit of Ewelina had told me, "The Germans just shoot, then leave" Ewelina herself (age 17) was a beautiful, young Polish girl who suffered severe traumas at the hands of Erich. Erich was a member of the SS. Nazi scum. Sinister as he was, he had no remorse, no moral conscience, no concept of humanity, or maorality either. He routinely forced Ewelina into circumstances that are very painful to endure: he locked her in isolation chambers alone, poisoned with cynaide/zyklon-B toxins which made her very ill. She was routinely abandoned, neglected, starved, taunted, sexually abused, and forced to endure harsh methods of painful torture. She was forced into a domestically violent relationship with a man who was too antisemitic to acknowledge her as a human.

Weakened from starvation and torture, she was forced to give birth to the baby alone, cold, and traumatized. Moments after her baby was born, the baby was taken from her and killed. With no chance of her seeing the child she had just borne. She was left heartbroken and in despair. Erich subjected her to the horrors of the gas chambers. Ewelina would cry out for help upon deaf ears. She was a targeted individual who perished at Auschwitz. She's very smart and beautiful, yet was punished for her pure innocence in horrendous ways. She was scarred and subjected to traumas too graphic to list here: left in a depressive state of utter loneliness, isolation, neglect, despair, tormented constantly and alone in the domestic abuse she suffered by a sadistic predator.

Her name is Ewelina. Very thin, pale, long black hair, dark brown eyes. She was only 17 years old. If anyone ever comes across a sad, scared Polish girl in need of refuge, please send her some protection and warm wishes.

 

[fireflydancing]

Hi Cailee Gouthro,

Welcome to the forum. Do I understand you correctly that Ewelina is your past life persona? I feel saddened by her story.

 

[cailee gouthro]

Yes she is from my polish WW2 past life.

 

[Eva1942]

I have an underlying fear of what I'm going to see, but I feel I need to witness those memories. To both confirm that I had the past life I believe I had, and to know that there can be strength and hope even in the darkest times [the tortures, not the ending]. But, right now, I feel some of those souls who were with me in those days are keeping me from them, until I am prepared enough to know the truth.

I'm even actually using my past self and one of her companions [Harry, who I keep mentioning around here] as inspiration for characters in a story based around the idea of The Man in the High Castle [an interesting view of how the world would have been, if the Axis Powers had won the war].

Try to focus on the good memories, seek the happier times, until you feel 'comfortable' enough to unlock the darkened door [as I call the nastier memories]. See if Yosef's mother can guide you through early childhood and their pre-war days. Harry keeps taking me dancing, in my subconscious!

Be very gentle with yourself when you explore these memories. I was denounced in Prague in November 1942 while I was still grieving over the death of my loved one in June 1942 when I was denounced. My guides have not and will never let me see my memories of my Gestapo interrogation (what made accepting these memories easier was that I was a informer for the Head of Gestapo between 1935 and mid-1942) so I knew what happened in them. I’ve seen glimpses.

Were you in any Ghetto’s before the camp? I was first in Theriensienstadt Family Ghetto while they tried to find my quarter Jewish daughter ( and they failed because I had her so well hidden with Aryan friends who were in the SS as a HSSPF) then I was in Riga.

Eva x

 

[yvettebruneau]

Be very gentle with yourself when you explore these memories. I was denounced in Prague in November 1942 while I was still grieving over the death of my loved one in June 1942 when I was denounced. My guides have not and will never let me see my memories of my Gestapo interrogation (what made accepting these memories easier was that I was a informer for the Head of Gestapo between 1935 and mid-1942) so I knew what happened in them. I’ve seen glimpses.

Were you in any Ghetto’s before the camp? I was first in Theriensienstadt Family Ghetto while they tried to find my quarter Jewish daughter ( and they failed because I had her so well hidden with Aryan friends who were in the SS as a HSSPF) then I was in Riga.

Eva x

I was not in a ghetto, before I went to the camp.

My guide and I were in a British special operations unit, we were spies and saboteurs for our government, and we were captured individually in France. ​

We were held/interrogated in an SS Prison in Paris, for a time, before all of the captured agents were transported by train to Saarbrucken. The women were then transferred to Ravensbruck, where my past self was executed by a bullet to the back of the head/neck with two comrades, while the men went to Buchenwald. My guide keeps me from certain memories, also, like a hand will grab and pull me back when I get too close. And, I've actually stopped pushing for further information or validation from him for a time, to give it all a rest. I'm happy with receiving what is shown, when it is shown, to me now. A slow drip-feed of information and memories.

 

[Eva1942]

I was not in a ghetto, before I went to the camp.

My guide and I were in a British special operations unit, we were spies and saboteurs for our government, and we were captured individually in France. ​

We were held/interrogated in an SS Prison in Paris, for a time, before all of the captured agents were transported by train to Saarbrucken. The women were then transferred to Ravensbruck, where my past self was executed by a bullet to the back of the head/neck with two comrades, while the men went to Buchenwald. My guide keeps me from certain memories, also, like a hand will grab and pull me back when I get too close. And, I've actually stopped pushing for further information or validation from him for a time, to give it all a rest. I'm happy with receiving what is shown, when it is shown, to me now. A slow drip-feed of information and memories.

Ahh, so you were with the British SOE? (Special Operations Executive)?

My guides keeps me from certain memories too. But with other such things, my curiousity gets the better of me and I feel that I have to research.

If it helps, I can help you with SD information if you need some help with that. The love of my (then) life was the target for a British/Czech SOE attack too.

Eva x

 

[yvettebruneau]

Ahh, so you were with the British SOE? (Special Operations Executive)?

My guides keeps me from certain memories too. But with other such things, my curiousity gets the better of me and I feel that I have to research.

If it helps, I can help you with SD information if you need some help with that. The love of my (then) life was the target for a British/Czech SOE attack too.

Eva x

Yes, the SOE! Although, I did not get much of a chance to prove myself, as I was caught on my second mission as a courier between Resistance groups. I was supposed to be rebuilding the communications that were damaged in my guide's capture, when a young Maquis I was travelling with made the decision to go by car and not the bicycle my SOE counterparts and I were accustomed to. With an ankle weakened from a previous accident in training, I couldn't run from the Nazi roadblock and surrendered myself, so the Maquis could flee.

Oh, intriguing. Wait, British/Czech? The only British/Czech SOE-linked attack I know of is Operation Anthropoid, the attempt on Director Heydrich's life. Is there another that isn't as infamous, or is that the one?

 

[Eva1942]

Yes, the SOE! Although, I did not get much of a chance to prove myself, as I was caught on my second mission as a courier between Resistance groups. I was supposed to be rebuilding the communications that were damaged in my guide's capture, when a young Maquis I was travelling with made the decision to go by car and not the bicycle my SOE counterparts and I were accustomed to. With an ankle weakened from a previous accident in training, I couldn't run from the Nazi roadblock and surrendered myself, so the Maquis could flee.

Oh, intriguing. Wait, British/Czech? The only British/Czech SOE-linked attack I know of is Operation Anthropoid, the attempt on Director Heydrich's life. Is there another that isn't as infamous, or is that the one?

You were in communications then? Must have been pretty good at morse then? Ravensbruck was actually the same camp that the Lidice woman were sent to as well.

Yes that is the one. Operation Anthropoid.. The British/Czech SOE attack. It has taken me three years to deal with these memories of Anthropoid and I'm STILL dealing with them.

Eva x

ps. Check out the show on Netflix called 'Churchill's Secret Agents: The New Recruits'. They take modern recruits and train them to 1940 SOE manual.

 

[yvettebruneau]

Actually, no, my former self was selected for training as a field agent.

I gathered information and carried out reconnaissance, on my first mission, and then the second mission was to sabotage German communications while also repairing some areas of the Resistance after my guide's arrest amongst others, which had led to the destruction of several of SOE's circuits in France.

I was to be utilised as a courier, whose task was to travel from circuit to circuit and gather information. The Wireless Radio Operator was trained to possess an understanding of Morse, which probably explains why I'm not that well-versed in it in this life. I was not trained in it, in that life.

It must be very difficult to have to relive it, years down the line, as though it was still fresh in the memory.

 

[Eva1942]

Actually, no, my former self was selected for training as a field agent.

I gathered information and carried out reconnaissance, on my first mission, and then the second mission was to sabotage German communications while also repairing some areas of the Resistance after my guide's arrest amongst others, which had led to the destruction of several of SOE's circuits in France.

I was to be utilised as a courier, whose task was to travel from circuit to circuit and gather information. The Wireless Radio Operator was trained to possess an understanding of Morse, which probably explains why I'm not that well-versed in it in this life. I was not trained in it, in that life.

It must be very difficult to have to relive it, years down the line, as though it was still fresh in the memory.

Wow a courier! Research a female SOE agent named ‘Nora Inayat-Khan’. She was a SOE agent in Paris who’s notebook that the Germans found that lead to seven-eight other agents being discovered who were executed at camps (Khan was executed at Dachau in 1944).

It is very difficult to relive it every year, but the beautiful thing about it is, that I have forgiven everyone involved. It was only five months after May in 1942 that I was denounced to the Prague Gestapo and interrogated and spent three months in Therienstadt Family Ghetto before being deported from the Protektorate to Riga Ghetto.

You said the SS prison in Paris yes?

Eva x

 

[yvettebruneau]

Not the SS prison... Sorry, it was the SS Paris HQ at 84 Avenue Foch. It was where they interrogated most if not all of the SOE agents they captured. We were held in Fresnes prison, until our transfer by train to German camps.

But, yes, the name 'Noor Inayat Khan' has come up several times in research, but I have never researched her story fully. Her path and mine did not cross in that life, other than we were both part of F-Section in the SOE.

As they say, time heals all wounds. I suppose it is easier to forgive, also, when you can see all sides of the story and are not confined by past allegiances, if that makes sense.

 

[Eva1942]

Not the SS prison... Sorry, it was the SS Paris HQ at 84 Avenue Foch. It was where they interrogated most if not all of the SOE agents they captured. We were held in Fresnes prison, until our transfer by train to German camps.

But, yes, the name 'Noor Inayat Khan' has come up several times in research, but I have never researched her story fully. Her path and mine did not cross in that life, other than we were both part of F-Section in the SOE.

The SS Paris HQ .. yes know a little bit about that. My interrogation was at Petchek Palace in Prague the Gestapo HQ. Petchek Palace was an old bank.

Noor Inayat Khan was a bad a$$ chick. When you said that you were captured along with a few others I thought of her and how she may have been connection to you, actually I wonder if her reincarnation knows just how great she was

Do you feel a pride towards the SOE, or do you feel other feelings? Like as in do you wonder that if you had to do something like that again do you think you could do it? I often wonder this..

Eva x

 

[yvettebruneau]

The SS Paris HQ .. yes know a little bit about that. My interrogation was at Petchek Palace in Prague the Gestapo HQ. Petchek Palace was an old bank.

Noor Inayat Khan was a bad a$$ chick. When you said that you were captured along with a few others I thought of her and how she may have been connection to you, actually I wonder if her reincarnation knows just how great she was

Do you feel a pride towards the SOE, or do you feel other feelings? Like as in do you wonder that if you had to do something like that again do you think you could do it? I often wonder this..

Eva x

I do feel something of a sense of pride, but it was a very different (and difficult) time. So, I don't know if I would do something like it again. My former self was recruited into the SOE after her sweetheart's death at the hands of the Nazis. She was driven by a desire for vengeance, and to do something worthwhile, in his absence. She wanted to take up his cause for him, and to make the world a better place for their daughter. But, I don't know that I could do that in this life. I seem to be the latter form of my past self, closing herself off to romance and love as the war closed in around them. Perhaps, that's what I've come back to learn. How to love again, how to allow myself to love without fear again.

And, I feel, if Khan's reincarnation has identified that side of their soul, I would hope they realise just how courageous and great she was. It was in a time when everyone had to do their part in the war, in some way, even those on the home-front. This generation really doesn't know just how easy they have it.

 

[Eva1942]

My former self was recruited into the SOE after her sweetheart's death at the hands of the Nazis. She was driven by a desire for vengeance, and to do something worthwhile, in his absence. She wanted to take up his cause for him, and to make the world a better place for their daughter.

It is interesting that you mention this, because at the time of my lover’s death, I had already lost my full Jewish Mutti too ( I lost her just after Kristallnacht in 1938). I was determined to get vengeance on not just the Czechs but also too the Germans for the way he was treated in hospital after the attack. Seeing as our daughter was in protection, I had the knowledge and ability to do so. We had promised each other that whoever was still alive after 1942, that we would defect and turn against the Germans. Though really we had been doing that since 1935.

I guess in a way I wanted to take up the same cause just like you did. I was fuelled by all the grief and anger I still had floating about too when I was denounced. What year were captured? How do you feel when people talk about the Holocaust? Sometimes I get frustrated..

Eva x

 

[yvettebruneau]

It is interesting that you mention this, because at the time of my lover’s death, I had already lost my full Jewish Mutti too ( I lost her just after Kristallnacht in 1938). I was determined to get vengeance on not just the Czechs but also too the Germans for the way he was treated in hospital after the attack. Seeing as our daughter was in protection, I had the knowledge and ability to do so. We had promised each other that whoever was still alive after 1942, that we would defect and turn against the Germans. Though really we had been doing that since 1935.

I guess in a way I wanted to take up the same cause just like you did. I was fuelled by all the grief and anger I still had floating about too when I was denounced. What year were captured? How do you feel when people talk about the Holocaust? Sometimes I get frustrated..

Eva x

It sounds as though you were devoted to one another and your daughter, more so than the German cause. It really is interesting to get another perspective on events and individuals, from a past-life recollection. It can add a human element to a figure that has long been considered monstrous or evil, sometimes.

My former self was captured in 1944 and executed in early 1945, so I did not spend too long in Nazi custody.

As for how I feel in regards to the Holocaust, I have always been moved by the tragedy that it was. I have always had this overall sadness, when I think about it. But, I do get frustrated, especially when people try to deny it. When people belittle its significance, even naively. Nowadays, it's a bit harder to comprehend a loss of about six million European Jews, especially when you consider that it is only approximately 0.08% of the world population as of 2017. The 17 million lost to Nazi persecution overall; that's only about 0.24% of the world population as of 2017. It's a drop in the ocean, really. But, back then, it was horrendous. I am sure, if something of its magnitude occurred again in current times or the near future, people would care a hell of a lot more than they do presently. But, because the Holocaust is in the past, "way, way" in the past for recent generations, it is a blip on humanity. It is a small stain, a smudge, on our historical records. Those that were around at the time, and those brought up on the stories (heck, even those brought up in the '90s), they remember it. They will never forget it. I envy those who don't accept it or its magnitude, sometimes. The oblivious naivety...

It has haunted me for years, if I'm honest. I can't seem to escape it. I wandered around a Holocaust exhibition at London's Imperial War Museum, before I started my past life rediscovery, and I was... I had to leave my mind. I had to walk through it to leave it, so I switched off inside. I had to, eventually, or else I would've likely broken down at some of the exhibits. Or gotten too mad at the Nazis portrayed within the exhibits. I had an opportunity, I think, to visit Auschwitz once. I refused. My former self was never taken there, but I couldn't bring myself to see the place where so many people came to their ends. I don't know that I could even face going to Ravensbruck or Buchenwald. I can't look at photos of the former online without my skin starting to crawl. And, although my guide didn't meet his end at Buchenwald, he and the men in his company faced torture and horrendous treatment. My guide came within mere hours of execution, but an SS doctor helped to save him and he escaped. Despite my former self's plucky optimism, she was not so fortunate in her circumstances.

 

[Yael]

It has haunted me for years, if I'm honest. I can't seem to escape it. I wandered around a Holocaust exhibition at London's Imperial War Museum, before I started my past life rediscovery, and I was... I had to leave my mind. I had to walk through it to leave it, so I switched off inside.

Well, I'm fairly new to the forums, so I feel a bit as if I'm butting into a conversation in progress... But yes, this need to "switch off" to any reminder of that time was one of the hints that eventually helped me track down the source of memory. The memory itself was vivid, fragmentary, and accompanied by enough raw desolation that I spent years denying there was anything there but a child's nightmare. Only much later did I find out that this avoidance, along with the fragmentary nature of the memories, was a symptom of PTSD. That discovery, just by itself brought a measure of relief; it reassured me that I wasn't crazy (or at least, not in the way that I had feared ;-) ) and that I was simply reacting rationally to a completely irrational situation.

And so began a long journey into memory and out of PTSD. One thing I learned very early on was that I could not force memory; it had to come out on its own, sometimes in a trickle, sometimes in an all-consuming flood. Nor was the release of memory enough to heal the wounds. For that, I had to do something to finish off that unfinished life, to pick up where he left off, and, in the end, to atone for his guilt.

Not sure where I'm going with this, though it feels good to vent a bit in a place where others may understand. Also to say, be gentle with yourself on your journey. There is always going to be unfinished business. We do what we can to tie up the loose ends, and hopefully shine a light back into that place of impenetrable darkness. If we can do even that, we've accomplished more than we could have ever dreamed, back there in the dark.

 

[Eva1942]

It sounds as though you were devoted to one another and your daughter, more so than the German cause. It really is interesting to get another perspective on events and individuals, from a past-life recollection. It can add a human element to a figure that has long been considered monstrous or evil, sometimes.

We were. Everything we did was for our children. Both families of them (we broke off our marriage, he remarried, I didn’t) But our daughter had the added advantage of ‘looking Aryan’ and looking like her Aryan father rather than her part Jewish Mutti (me) so she enjoyed a lot of things ‘Jewish looking’ children didn’t.

It took me quite a number of years to become immune and deal with the ‘monsterous image’ that people think he was. Perhaps it is different for me, because I loved him for who he was underneath. *shrugs shoulders*

My former self was captured in 1944 and executed in early 1945, so I did not spend too long in Nazi custody.

I remember our dear friend who was at the time of Anthropoid, the HSSPF in the Protektorate telling me “ these Czechs wouldn’t tell us anything even if we poked them in the eye!” And it was true. But the French? Only you can tell me about how they were.

It has haunted me for years, if I'm honest. I can't seem to escape it. I wandered around a Holocaust exhibition at London's Imperial War Museum, before I started my past life rediscovery, and I was... I had to leave my mind. I had to walk through it to leave it, so I switched off inside. I had to, eventually, or else I would've likely broken down at some of the exhibits.

For me it was always something that I felt very deeply traumatised over. Being here in Australia is for the best, because while there is a small Holocaust museum in Melbourne, and while I have hinted at wanting to visit, I never seem to GET the courage to visit. I just simply can’t. I guess I wanted that self imposed exile for myself and my guides thought it was best for me too.

I went to a War memorial exhibition once. They had the soldiers photographs arranged like they do for the Holocaust victims in Yad Vashem. I had to walk straight through it and not appreciate it because it triggered it.

Or gotten too mad at the Nazis portrayed within the exhibits. I had an opportunity, I think, to visit Auschwitz once. I refused. My former self was never taken there, but I couldn't bring myself to see the place where so many people came to their ends. I don't know that I could even face going to Ravensbruck or Buchenwald. I can't look at photos of the former online without my skin starting to crawl.

I used to get so mad at the way Anthropoid was portrayed. Now, I just don’t care because I lived through the entire ordeal in my WWII PL. Learning to laugh about it all has been my savour.

While I was in Auschwitz-Birkenau, I have no interest to revisit. While I have hinted at a visit, it has always been put off. It is much safer for me emotionally to visit Ghetto Riga or Theriensienstadt because things were ‘half normal’ for me there. I was imprisoned but at least I had what made me feel comfortable.

I can’t even look at photographs of people in striped pyjamas, yet as I sit here writing this, I’m wearing stripes ( seem to have followed me from that lifetime I presume). I can’t look at photographs of Dachau or Auschwitz-Birkenau ( by the way was never in Dachau).

I think in time perhaps we may feel emotionally stronger to visit these places, but spiritually we need to protect ourselves from the spirits that have no reincarnated yet and still fighting.

Eva x

 

[Eva1942]

Well, I'm fairly new to the forums, so I feel a bit as if I'm butting into a conversation in progress... But yes, this need to "switch off" to any reminder of that time was one of the hints that eventually helped me track down the source of memory. The memory itself was vivid, fragmentary, and accompanied by enough raw desolation that I spent years denying there was anything there but a child's nightmare. Only much later did I find out that this avoidance, along with the fragmentary nature of the memories, was a symptom of PTSD. That discovery, just by itself brought a measure of relief; it reassured me that I wasn't crazy (or at least, not in the way that I had feared ;-) ) and that I was simply reacting rationally to a completely irrational situation.

And so began a long journey into memory and out of PTSD. One thing I learned very early on was that I could not force memory; it had to come out on its own, sometimes in a trickle, sometimes in an all-consuming flood. Nor was the release of memory enough to heal the wounds. For that, I had to do something to finish off that unfinished life, to pick up where he left off, and, in the end, to atone for his guilt.

Not sure where I'm going with this, though it feels good to vent a bit in a place where others may understand. Also to say, be gentle with yourself on your journey. There is always going to be unfinished business. We do what we can to tie up the loose ends, and hopefully shine a light back into that place of impenetrable darkness. If we can do even that, we've accomplished more than we could have ever dreamed, back there in the dark.

Yael,

Oh don't worry about butting in.. if you want to add to the conversation then please by all means do The raw desolation sometimes feels as if you cannot esape it, but slowly you begin to get yourself out of it and feel proud and strong enough to face the memories. I learned too that fragmentary nature of some memories was a symptom of PTSD. It's good to know that we aren't crazy right?

It is interesting you talk about how memory either comes out as an all consuming flood or as a trickle. Most of what I call 'my Prague memories' came out in a flood. The best way I can describe it is if someone opened the door and forgot to close it. When that happened, I was in a lot of denial. I was like " oh hellll no..."

Sometimes the release of memory is not enough to heal the wounds you are right, but sometimes it is enough for the healing to start. As my guide tells me, there is no linear time frame in which we are to heal, we just do it and if it takes say ten linear years, then it takes ten linear years.

You mention a 'he'. I take it your PL self was a 'he' and involved in some Holocaust actions? There is no shame in feeling guilty, or when we've said that we did not feel guilty, but on reflection we feel we do. It just means that we have had time to reflect and changed opinions or our thoughts.

As I always say: " Your keys could unlock someone else's prison". In other words, our thoughts and feelings could help others to heal too.

Eva x

 

[Yael]

Shalom, Eva,

Thank you so much for your reply. "Your keys could unlock someone else's prison"... This is very well said. Indeed, I've found it to be very true that healing rarely occurs in solitude. Learning, understanding, and generally putting the pieces together can all be done on our own, but actually "unlocking the prison" is something I've experienced mostly in interaction with others. Seems a bit odd, saying that, as I've been a loner for most of my life, but there it is.

And yes, just realizing we're not crazy was a big step! Being able to put a name to the flashbacks, nightmares, and other intrusive symptoms was the first step in realizing that I wasn't completely crazy. By the time I was diagnosed with complex PTSD, I had already built a career around rebuilding someone else's life (I wonder how many others on these forums have felt they were living out the consequences of an unfinished life... topic for another thread, I suppose).

I moved to Israel on my own at the age of 18, with $200 in my pocket and a six-digit number in my head. it was a choice entirely out of keeping with my happy childhood and loving family. On arrival, I looked back on two childhoods, which seemed to merge on my arrival in Israel after the war. It felt as if I had stepped through a door, and when I turned to look back, the doorway wasn't there anymore. And so I threw myself into finishing up a life cut off at age 18. Spent nearly 40 years in various aspects of security, military, and police work--anything to keep it from happening again. By the time I retired, I was Israel's oldest female combat soldier. I finally reached a stage where I had to make sense of it all--what was behind these unlikely choices? What had led me to become someone so much at odds with who I had been as a child? How had a cowgirl from Texas ended up an observant Jewish soldier in Israel?

Well, I knew the answers, but you couldn't say that I really understood them. A lot of work still needed to be done to pull all the threads together. Much of that work was done via an online support group, where I met others with memories of the same time. Writing turned out to be the key. I would sit down at the keyboard and it would all pour out, all those things that I could never speak aloud. It seemed as if my fingers were bypassing my conscious mind to get it all out there. And so I wrote. And wrote... (Many years later, those scribblings would lead me to the dilemma of whether to bury it all or seek a publisher. In the end, I published.)

So yes, it's all a work in progress. While trying to understand it all, I found that my own Jewish tradition had numerous ways to explain such "inherited memories". The two possibilities most relevant to my own experience were Ibbur and Gilgul Neshamot. The first involves a "soul fragment" teaming up with a living person to accomplish some unfinished task. The second, Gilgul, involves the return to life of most of a complete personality. Still not sure which of these really fits the experience. I do know that a great deal of my own personality now includes the individual quirks of an idealistic young man from Saloniki who wrote poetry and worked at the docks during summer vacation. To some extent, his personality and experiences have over-ridden my own childhood in Texas.

Shortly before her death, my mother sent chills down my spine by telling me, "I raised both of you." I'm still not entirely sure what she meant, only that it meant a great deal, to both of us.

-Yael

 

[fireflydancing]

Yael, thank you very much for your contribution. You invited me to follow your life search on a soul level. I've read your story with my heart. You also made me more than curious about Ibbur and Gilgul Neshamot. Like hearing the echo of a gong and I am sure I am going to read more about those words.

I am not Jewish in this life. although 'technically' I could be without knowing because my mother found out through her ancestral researches that through our strictly maternal line there is a foremother with a Jewish name. That was my mother's private fun because that could have explained why my grandmother looked different from her siblings (the law of genetics that genes pop up at random throughout the generations) but this would be only a physical inheritance, not a religious one.

I've always been aware that there was a reincarnation link with Judaism within me. The most obvious explanation would have been that I had died in the Holocaust. When I was in my early twenties I signed up for voluntary work in Majdanek, Poland, in my holidays.
I was raised with the notion of reincarnation and I was curious (and a bit scared) what would show up being confronted with this part of history. To make a long story short: nothing. It has been an impressive experience roaming around a former concentration camp, doing chores in cleaning and maintenance on the site but I didn't find the 'click'. The holocaust was apparently not part of my own past.

I did find my 'click' in a completely other direction: Toledo (Spain). I don't have visual memories of that past (yet) but my heart is absolutely tied to this city. I've been there several times and it has a very special effect on me. But most of all, the strongest clue is my fondness for old Ladino music. It makes my heart sing, I understand the words easily and I can sing the words with the music. I speak about the old traditional songs, the lullabies, and religious songs. I have no indication that this life was a traumatic one, so I assume it was before 1492. I've always sensed that a strong fatherly figure was important to me in that life, for protection and the possibility to study. An intellectual life for a change.

So now I pop out of this thread about the Holocaust. I was just triggered by some related memories

 

[Eva1942]

Shalom, Eva,

Thank you so much for your reply. "Your keys could unlock someone else's prison"... This is very well said. Indeed, I've found it to be very true that healing rarely occurs in solitude. Learning, understanding, and generally putting the pieces together can all be done on our own, but actually "unlocking the prison" is something I've experienced mostly in interaction with others. Seems a bit odd, saying that, as I've been a loner for most of my life, but there it is.

Shalom, Yael,

Ahh yes.. For years, I felt like I was the only one to weird and adverse reactions to things. As much as I love being alone and in my own space, sometimes I want people around me too.

And yes, just realizing we're not crazy was a big step! Being able to put a name to the flashbacks, nightmares, and other intrusive symptoms was the first step in realizing that I wasn't completely crazy. By the time I was diagnosed with complex PTSD, I had already built a career around rebuilding someone else's life (I wonder how many others on these forums have felt they were living out the consequences of an unfinished life... topic for another thread, I suppose).

Oh yup. I so hear you with this.

I moved to Israel on my own at the age of 18, with $200 in my pocket and a six-digit number in my head. it was a choice entirely out of keeping with my happy childhood and loving family. On arrival, I looked back on two childhoods, which seemed to merge on my arrival in Israel after the war. It felt as if I had stepped through a door, and when I turned to look back, the doorway wasn't there anymore. And so I threw myself into finishing up a life cut off at age 18. Spent nearly 40 years in various aspects of security, military, and police work--anything to keep it from happening again. By the time I retired, I was Israel's oldest female combat soldier. I finally reached a stage where I had to make sense of it all--what was behind these unlikely choices? What had led me to become someone so much at odds with who I had been as a child? How had a cowgirl from Texas ended up an observant Jewish soldier in Israel?

I moved to Australia on my own when I was 19 with a borrowed $1000. All my life, I wanted to join the armed forces, and I tried everything ( I was mostly interested in the Police and the Navy - these were very much big parts of my past lives, especialy in WWII Germany) but it was like the Universe was telling me " No. Not this lifetime.. " So once I accepted that the longing went away. I guess it is the same for me. How does a girl from small town New Zealand have a longing for Jewish food, culture and ultimately Israel and more importantly, a longing to visit Yad Vashem? Oh and not to mention a knowledge and understanding of Yiddish?

Writing turned out to be the key. I would sit down at the keyboard and it would all pour out, all those things that I could never speak aloud. It seemed as if my fingers were bypassing my conscious mind to get it all out there. And so I wrote. And wrote... (Many years later, those scribblings would lead me to the dilemma of whether to bury it all or seek a publisher. In the end, I published.)

I cannot tell you how much writing has helped me too. I poured my hurting soul out onto the pages my journals. Things I could never tell anyone else. Nowadays, I keep an online journal and in the process of writing a book about my lifetime in WWII Germany and the Holocaust. I'd be interested in your book.

So yes, it's all a work in progress. While trying to understand it all, I found that my own Jewish tradition had numerous ways to explain such "inherited memories". The two possibilities most relevant to my own experience were Ibbur and Gilgul Neshamot. The first involves a "soul fragment" teaming up with a living person to accomplish some unfinished task. The second, Gilgul, involves the return to life of most of a complete personality. Still not sure which of these really fits the experience. I do know that a great deal of my own personality now includes the individual quirks of an idealistic young man from Saloniki who wrote poetry and worked at the docks during summer vacation. To some extent, his personality and experiences have over-ridden my own childhood in Texas.

Have understanding of this too. Let me know via PM if you wish to know more. It's (ha!) too much to write here and I'd be at risk of becoming too esoteric.

Shortly before her death, my mother sent chills down my spine by telling me, "I raised both of you." I'm still not entirely sure what she meant, only that it meant a great deal, to both of us.

-Yael

Could have been your Father, Grandmother, Grandfather etc <3

Either way, the Holocaust I have accepted is and always will be a part of me, and the memories I can make of them what I will or I can use them to empower others to heal their own memories. As my guide always tells me ' Fist you must tell you story so others will have the courage to tell theirs'.

Eva x

 

[Eva1942]

I am not Jewish in this life. although 'technically' I could be without knowing because my mother found out through her ancestral researches that through our strictly maternal line there is a foremother with a Jewish name.

Fireflydancing,

I am not Jewish in this life either. Though, I did read in one of Rabbi Gershom's books that Jewish souls tend to 'give' themselves what he calls a 'self imposed exile' from the Jewish faith in order to learn lessons. Also he mentions that when the soul chooses this, it is ' a Jew in a Gentile body' and another reason for this could be that at the time of wanting to return, their were not enough pregnant Jewish mothers to enable the soul to return in it's own race. Gosh. forgive me if I interpreted it all wrong *facepalm* (just my own experiences)

I did find my 'click' in a completely other direction: Toledo (Spain). I don't have visual memories of that past (yet) but my heart is absolutely tied to this city. I've been there several times and it has a very special effect on me. But most of all, the strongest clue is my fondness for old Ladino music. It makes my heart sing, I understand the words easily and I can sing the words with the music. I speak about the old traditional songs, the lullabies, and religious songs.

Interesting you mention this because Ladino is what the Sephardic Jews from Spanish speaking regions know better than Yiddish. In my WWII/Holocaust lifetime my Jewish family were Ashkenazi and Yiddish was the language of choice.

Just like Yiddish songs ( Belz, Mayn Shtetele Belz is one) have a special place for me <3

Eva x

 

[Yael]

I did find my 'click' in a completely other direction: Toledo (Spain). I don't have visual memories of that past (yet) but my heart is absolutely tied to this city. I've been there several times and it has a very special effect on me. But most of all, the strongest clue is my fondness for old Ladino music. It makes my heart sing, I understand the words easily and I can sing the words with the music. I speak about the old traditional songs, the lullabies, and religious songs. I have no indication that this life was a traumatic one, so I assume it was before 1492. I've always sensed that a strong fatherly figure was important to me in that life, for protection and the possibility to study. An intellectual life for a change.

So now I pop out of this thread about the Holocaust. I was just triggered by some related memories

That is so cool! Very glad that there was not Holocaust link, and nothing traumatic. I don't know all that much about Jewish life in Toledo, but if your memories are from the age of coexistence, then you would have been able to live and learn the best of three major cultures. There is some wonderful Jewish literature and poetry from that time.

As for Ladino music, yes! It was a Ladino song, heard "by chance" on the radio when I was 14 that eventually led me to Israel. It took years for me to connect that song with the memories that haunted me, though looking back, it seemed obvious. The 20/20 vision of hindsight! Saloniki was the capital of Sephardic Jewry (at one point the city was over half Jewish, and many street names were in Hebrew. And of course, the language heard most on the streets was Ladino (in several variants). Many of the Ladino songs circulating nowadays were composed in Saloniki!

Connections... So many connections!

 

[Yael]

I moved to Australia on my own when I was 19 with a borrowed $1000. All my life, I wanted to join the armed forces, and I tried everything ( I was mostly interested in the Police and the Navy - these were very much big parts of my past lives, especialy in WWII Germany) but it was like the Universe was telling me " No. Not this lifetime.. " So once I accepted that the longing went away. I guess it is the same for me. How does a girl from small town New Zealand have a longing for Jewish food, culture and ultimately Israel and more importantly, a longing to visit Yad Vashem? Oh and not to mention a knowledge and understanding of Yiddish?

Strange how things work out. In that life (Hmmm, it still sounds strange to write that phrase, because it doesn't feel like a different life, but only a different part of this one... ) I was a naive kid who wouldn't have dreamed of going into the military. I'd sometimes toy with the idea of getting work on a freighter, in order to see exotic places, but nothing more adventurous than that. Someone once asked me, "Why was 'shipping out on a freighter such a radical idea?" To which I answered, "Because my mother would kill me!" ;-)

But yes, it sounds like your journey also took some unexpected turns. Have you ever been to Israel?

Funny thing about your having a knowledge of Yiddish. I ended up with a fairly clear memory of those days, but minus the language. I don't speak Ladino, even though sometimes my sentences come out with the grammar of Spanish overlaid on the words of Hebrew! I've often wondered why some things carry over and others do not. Well, I shall take you up on your invitation to explore the ins and outs via PM (didn't even know that was an option, but then, I'm just now getting the hang of these forums....)

I cannot tell you how much writing has helped me too. I poured my hurting soul out onto the pages my journals. Things I could never tell anyone else. Nowadays, I keep an online journal and in the process of writing a book about my lifetime in WWII Germany and the Holocaust. I'd be interested in your book.

The book is called Returning (previously published under the title A Damaged Mirror. Is it allowed to put links here?

I've often wondered why it is that writing has been so healing, and in particular, why so much comes out that I could never speak aloud. One intriguing idea that occurred to me is that typing on computer may be a sort of amateur EMDR therapy. We watch the words form on the screen, scanning left-to-right (in English) or right-to-left (in Hebrew). And all this while we're allowing the subconscious to get things out into the open. Interesting theory, but I have no idea if it's correct.

Have understanding of this too. Let me know via PM if you wish to know more. It's (ha!) too much to write here and I'd be at risk of becoming too esoteric.

I shall happily take you up on the offer!

Either way, the Holocaust I have accepted is and always will be a part of me, and the memories I can make of them what I will or I can use them to empower others to heal their own memories. As my guide always tells me ' Fist you must tell you story so others will have the courage to tell theirs'.

Eva x

Yes! It sounds like you're doing exactly that -- empowering others to heal. For a very long time, I was unsure whether telling would do more harm than good. I felt that getting such horrible memories out into the world would compound the guilt of having seen--and participated--in the events. And then there were the feelings of shame at having been brought so low. But the memories came with an imperative to tell, so tell I did! And while telling alone was not sufficient, it was a very big step in allowing me to reach the next stage. What a journey it's been!

-Yael

 

[Eva1942]

But yes, it sounds like your journey also took some unexpected turns. Have you ever been to Israel?

No, I haven’t been to Israel, but I really do wish to visit Yad Vashem. I want to visit the eternal flame hall with all the names of the camps on the floor. I lost my beautiful Jewish Mutti in that lifetime to the gas chambers of Auschwitz :‘( . She is one of my main Spirit Guides in this lifetime. I love her more than words can express.. Also, I wish to go there to pay respects to myself too. While I witnessed the liberation, I lived not long afterwards.

My journey is always taking unexpected turns. But I have some wicked friends right beside me who were there in Germany with us too ( on both sides).

Funny thing about your having a knowledge of Yiddish. I ended up with a fairly clear memory of those days, but minus the language. I don't speak Ladino, even though sometimes my sentences come out with the grammar of Spanish overlaid on the words of Hebrew!

Then there was that time I told a local Jewish Rabbi who I found myself talking to one day ( at the time I didn’t know he was the local Rabbi where I lived), the Hebrew meaning of Hanukkah and he looked at me and said “are you Jewish? That’s the Hebrew meaning. Only Jews know that”.

My Yiddish and German are bad now, but I still know them.

The book is called Returning (previously published under the title A Damaged Mirror. Is it allowed to put links here?

I think it’s alright. You’ll have to double check regarding books.

Yes! It sounds like you're doing exactly that -- empowering others to heal. For a very long time, I was unsure whether telling would do more harm than good. I felt that getting such horrible memories out into the world would compound the guilt of having seen--and participated--in the events. And then there were the feelings of shame at having been brought so low. But the memories came with an imperative to tell, so tell I did! And while telling alone was not sufficient, it was a very big step in allowing me to reach the next stage. What a journey it's been!

-Yael

It’s what I came back to do. To tell our stories, the ones we were to tell in those lifetimes. I often have times where I say “who is going to believe me?! It’s been 75 years since WWII!” But I get told “Our books may only be one in sea of thousands, but at least our truth will be out there and that is so very important”.

Eva x

 

[Yael]

No, I haven’t been to Israel, but I really do wish to visit Yad Vashem. I want to visit the eternal flame hall with all the names of the camps on the floor. I lost my beautiful Jewish Mutti in that lifetime to the gas chambers of Auschwitz :‘( . She is one of my main Spirit Guides in this lifetime. I love her more than words can express.. Also, I wish to go there to pay respects to myself too. While I witnessed the liberation, I lived not long afterwards.

Well, if you do get over here, be in touch! While Yad Vashem is important, there is so much more to see! I think one of the reasons living here is so comforting--everything around me testifies to the fact that the story didn't end with Birkenau.

My journey is always taking unexpected turns. But I have some wicked friends right beside me who were there in Germany with us too ( on both sides).

The "on both sides" sounds like it would be very challenging, perhaps a bit frightening. But then, I've had a lifelong fear of Germans, which has been partially assuaged by meeting some truly lovely people from there. But I still find myself moving out of hearing range when the language is spoken around me. Oddly enough, the same is true with Yiddish, which is spoken in some neighborhoods here in Israel. I tend to associate the language with Birkenau in a very visceral way.

Then there was that time I told a local Jewish Rabbi who I found myself talking to one day ( at the time I didn’t know he was the local Rabbi where I lived), the Hebrew meaning of Hanukkah and he looked at me and said “are you Jewish? That’s the Hebrew meaning. Only Jews know that”.

My Yiddish and German are bad now, but I still know them.

Fun stuff! But that also testifies to your Ashkenazi background in those days. Hannukkah was never much of a holiday in the Sephardi world, other than the minimal halakhic observances.

Likely enough, if you moved to a Yiddish- or German-speaking community, it would all come back.

I think it’s alright. You’ll have to double check regarding books.

Probably best not to take the chance. The book's easy enough to find. I think I've got links to my author page in my profile page on this site. But it might not be a good idea for you to read it, as there are a lot of potential triggers. Even people without any (conscious) memory of the Shoah have had difficulty with parts of it. Definitely not an easy read.

It’s what I came back to do. To tell our stories, the ones we were to tell in those lifetimes. I often have times where I say “who is going to believe me?! It’s been 75 years since WWII!” But I get told “Our books may only be one in sea of thousands, but at least our truth will be out there and that is so very important”.

Eva x

Yes! That "who is going to believe me" worried me as well. But you're right, it's needful to get the testimony out there, for your own sake and for that of future generations. So, if you haven't already written the book, please do write it!

-Yael

PS. still trying to work out how to send a PM, as per the previous message... From the profile page? No worries, I'll figure it out.

 

[Eva1942]

Well, if you do get over here, be in touch! While Yad Vashem is important, there is so much more to see! I think one of the reasons living here is so comforting--everything around me testifies to the fact that the story didn't end with Birkenau.

Yael,

I will be for sure. I think that the story never ends with where we passed away in during the Holocaust. But yes, I do agree with you, the story did not end in Auschiwtz-Birkenau.

The "on both sides" sounds like it would be very challenging, perhaps a bit frightening. But then, I've had a lifelong fear of Germans, which has been partially assuaged by meeting some truly lovely people from there. But I still find myself moving out of hearing range when the language is spoken around me. Oddly enough, the same is true with Yiddish, which is spoken in some neighborhoods here in Israel. I tend to associate the language with Birkenau in a very visceral way.

Actually, two of my best friends were in the SS and very high ranked too. I think that for you personally, that is a Holocaust PL effect along with hearing the Yiddish. For me, a Holocaust PL effect for me is the fact that I find myself feeling guilty when I buy myself something material. It's a inner fear for me and I think " If I buy it, am I going to get it taken away from me because I'm a worthless Jew?" So I guess we both have Holocaust PL effects.

Fun stuff! But that also testifies to your Ashkenazi background in those days. Hannukkah was never much of a holiday in the Sephardi world, other than the minimal halakhic observances.

Likely enough, if you moved to a Yiddish- or German-speaking community, it would all come back.

Yes, I have fond memories of celebrating Hanukkah in my WWII German Jewish lifetime. When I was seven years old in this lifetime, I wanted a Menorah. At the time, I didn't know it was a Jewish thing, I just wanted a Menorah. I stemmed these memories back to celebrating Hanukkah with my Jewish Mutti and her family.

I remember the holidays we most celebrated were Hanukkah, Pesach and Rosh Hashannah. I wasn't a practising Jew like Mutti was, but I still practised attending Shul (Synagogue) Yes it does testify to my Ashkenazi background.


Will write the rest in a PM.

Eva x

 

[Tourmaline]

Glad to see, checking back, that this ancient thread is still alive and has brought some people together. Yael, I remember you from another group I was in briefly and I remember that while our past life experiences were very different, I resonated deeply with your story--PTSD, childhood night terrors, haunting from an early age, etc.

I am still struggling with experiences which on the outside have been diagnosed as mental illness---crippling, disabling panic and terror, deep despair and grief, dissociation. I think and dream of the Holocaust every day. Am I reincarnated holocaust soul? or am I just a mentally ill woman with a strange preoccupation? The question bothers me. I have memories, but not enough to write about. As people have said, there is fragmentation.

 

[Eva1942]

I am still struggling with experiences which on the outside have been diagnosed as mental illness---crippling, disabling panic and terror, deep despair and grief, dissociation. I think and dream of the Holocaust every day. Am I reincarnated holocaust soul? or am I just a mentally ill woman with a strange preoccupation? The question bothers me. I have memories, but not enough to write about. As people have said, there is fragmentation.

I am very familiar with fragmentation. Most of my Theriensienstadt/Riga Ghetto and Auschwitz-Birkenau camp memories are fragmented. I only have one or two memories here and there. My memories of Operation Anthropoid were fragmented to start with, but I have healed them enough to see them more ‘intact’.

If you have memories, write them down, I cannot stress how much writing has helped me. Sometimes more pours out. If you want to talk in private about it, send me a PM. I will be more than happy to help and/or just listen if you want someone to talk to

Eva x

 

[AlteSeele]

Glad to see, checking back, that this ancient thread is still alive and has brought some people together. Yael, I remember you from another group I was in briefly and I remember that while our past life experiences were very different, I resonated deeply with your story--PTSD, childhood night terrors, haunting from an early age, etc.

I am still struggling with experiences which on the outside have been diagnosed as mental illness---crippling, disabling panic and terror, deep despair and grief, dissociation. I think and dream of the Holocaust every day. Am I reincarnated holocaust soul? or am I just a mentally ill woman with a strange preoccupation? The question bothers me. I have memories, but not enough to write about. As people have said, there is fragmentation.

I am so sorry you are going through this. The Holocaust brought much pain and suffering to so many.

Please forgive me if this has already been mentioned (I am new here), but have you considered reading any of Rabbi Yonassan Gershom's books on reincarnated Holocaust victims? He wrote two books on the topic: "Beyond the Ashes" and "From Ashes to Healing". Perhaps there's something in either of those books that may be of help to you. There should be plenty of reviews about the books on line that may help you determine if they are for you.

You have to remember something about these memory fragments that are seeping through: and that is, they can no longer hurt you.

Looks like a fellow victim, Eva, has made you a lovely offer. You cannot keep all this bottled up inside you. It would be good for you to talk to someone else who has gone through the same thing as you are.