...I feel like I'm losing my mind

[charlotte98]

Ok, so this all started when I was younger. I was around 10-12 and I started to have these dreams about this man, a military man, a general. A very important man. He had lighter colored hair and light colored eyes, and he was a bit taller than I was. He spoke French. He was away a lot, and I missed him a great deal, and I loved him with all my heart. I thought I would meet him in this lifetime. Well... it never happened, I never met him, and though i stopped having the dreams, I never forgot how they used to make me feel.

Fast forward to a few years ago. Now, I have always been interested in history, but past 1600 I just lose interest. I'm into ancient history and Tudor history exclusively.

So, I began to have these really intimate dreams about Napoleon Bonaparte. Dreams where we are in bed together, laughing, kissing, talking, etc. Sometimes we are just talking, sometimes just being intimate. In some of the dreams he's not with me, but he's sending me letters and I'm just really missing him. The dreams were vivid, and I'd always remember them. I'd suddenly get interested in Napoleon for a short while; I'd usually buy a book and intend to read it. but, I'd always lose interest and forget about it, and the book would languish unread on my bookshelf. A few months would go by, and I'd have another, and I'd buy another book, and then forget about it. This kind of thing happened at least a dozen times over the years.

Fast forward again to a few months ago. I had a very, very, very vivid dream; as a matter of fact, it felt so real, I'd almost swear it *was* real. It wasn't, of course. I couldn't get it off my mind, and for once I began to actually read the books I'd bought. I found that a lot of the things I dreamed about were true in real life, at least according to the books I read. I won't go into detail, but things about his physical person, his personality, little idiosyncrasies he had, etc.

Ever since that dream a few months ago, I have dreamed of him almost every single night since, and I have felt a sort of a presence in my life. Jeez, I can't imagine how crazy this sounds.
But it's like I feel him with me. It's like a warm, fiery sensation in my heart, an elation. It is like falling in love. I can't eat, it's hard for me to get to sleep, and I think of him nearly all the time. I am actually writing a book about him, with a fictional character I made up. It's like I can't get him off of my mind, and it really and truly feels as if I am falling in love.

I read my tarot cards, and I keep getting Leo cards whenever I ask 'who are you', and sometimes I get the emperor card, which in my deck has a lion sitting next to the emperor (Napoleon means Lion from Naples, after all, and Leo is the Lion). Thing is, I don't have any leos in my life. At all. And I keep getting soul mate cards, love cards. Listen, I'm not telling anyone what to believe as far as tarot, but I believe them. Scariest thing that ever happened was, I had a dream where Napoleon and I were fighting about something, and he stormed off, and I woke up. I was crying. I went to my tarot deck, and asked 'who are you really?' and there was one card backwards in the deck, the king of wands (what makes it so strange is I have no idea to this day how the hell the card got to be backwards, I am very careful with my cards and I live alone, so no one else touches them but me, and there is just no way I left any cards backwards).

I am very aware of the mental illness where one thinks they *are* Napoleon, and there must be a mental illness when one thinks they were intimately linked to him. So, I feel crazy, completely crazy. But how else could I know all the things I knew...? Why do I keep having these dreams? Why do I feel like I really knew him?
Could this really be happening? Could I have known him in a past life? Or am I crazy?

 

[KenJ]

That sounds pretty convincing to me Charlotte! Yes, the feelings of being Crazy is a part of our experiences that people shrug-off if they are not open-minded enough to accept. Welcome to the community of other Crazy people.

 

[charlotte98]

That sounds pretty convincing to me Charlotte! Yes, the feelings of being Crazy is a part of our experiences that people shrug-off if they are not open-minded enough to accept. Welcome to the community of other Crazy people.

HUGS HUGS HUGS. You have NO idea how good it feels for you to say that. It feels so, so, good to be validated.
I am so glad this community exists. Thank you so, so, SO much for telling me I'm not just crazy and this might be really happening.

I feel so much better knowing I'm not alone in this; there are others like me who are going through things like this too. *Huge sigh of relief*.

 

[charlotte98]

Can you tell me your story? I'd love to hear it!!

 

[Klaud]

It's definitely possible you could have known him! You don't sound crazy at all.

I never thought to use a tarot deck for past lives. Maybe I'll have to try that myself.

 

[KenJ]

Charlotte, I'm a blabber-mouth - all over the place - look at my posting numbers.
I'd suggest that you read someone like Deborah, Landsend, or other recent or archived posts.

 

[charlotte98]

It's definitely possible you could have known him! You don't sound crazy at all.

I never thought to use a tarot deck for past lives. Maybe I'll have to try that myself.

Thank you for your reassurance! I really appreciate it.

I'm definitely not a pro at tarot, but I have a sort of built-in intuition. I shuffle the deck w/ my eyes closed and I stop when it feels right, and then I feel each card, starting at the top of the deck; if it feels wrong (flat, somehow), I place it in the middle of the deck without looking at it, and if it feels right (to me, a card feels right when I feel a certain feeling in my chest, it's like a light, bright feeling in my chest...hard to explain) I choose it. Usually I focus on specific dream, or a specific memory, or something like that, I meditate on it for a while before I take the cards out, and I ask about who the memory or feeling or dream is about. Sometimes I ask how the person feels about me.
It's really amazing that I nearly always get the same cards each time I ask, but when I do readings about other subjects, they don't come out at all. I don't know how tarot works, but I think you can use it for almost anything. just make sure to protect yourself; I wear a grounding crystal anytime I use tarot.

In short, do it! Sometimes I feel like whoever is reaching out to me is using the tarot to communicate with me directly. It feels very intimate.

 

[charlotte98]

Charlotte, I'm a blabber-mouth - all over the place - look at my posting numbers.
I'd suggest that you read someone like Deborah, Landsend, or other recent or archived posts.

I will! Thank you for your suggestions! But I will also check out your posts as well!

 

[KenJ]

Charlotte, here is my most relevant thread.

 

[charlotte98]

Charlotte, here is my most relevant thread.

Just got finished reading it, wow! Tres cool!
I like the part where you talk about bringing your family members into it; do you know who they were in your past life (lives)? I am sure my mother was my daughter in a former life; I don't know when I began to feel it, almost from when I was able to feel anything, I think. I always felt very close to her, protective over her, even when I was a very young child. As a nearly 40 year old woman, I still have the same protective feelings for her that I always did.

As far as the gender thing, listen, I am really just now getting into this, but one of my long-recurring dreams has been myself as an Italian mobster type guy, super macho, always carrying a gun and brandishing it often, and chain-smoking cigarette after cigarette. I only smoked very briefly in my mid-twenties, and was easily able to quit, and I have never even touched a gun, though I have always had a strange fascination with them. They seem to almost have a talismanic power to me. Add to this that I have often held quite misogynistic viewpoints regarding women, despite my *being* a woman. Haha. I know this doesn't make sense, but when I hear Napoleon's quote about his mother, that "she has the brain of a man on the body of a woman", I understand it, I get it. I agree that women's brains are frail compared with men's. I mean, I don't really believe that, but it's like there's a faint echo inside me that *does* believe it, very much. Haha, a strange duality!

Do you ever feel that, a strange duality? Or... what's more than two? Like you can have several differing opinions on the same subject and agree that they are all valid and correct, even though by the laws of logic they can not all be correct and you could not possibly believe in them all at the same time...? Because I feel that quite often on a number of topics.
It's...confusing to say the least.

How do you find a spirit guide? Does it involved meditation? I am into crystals, I wonder if certain crystals could help me get into a more relaxed state. I really want to do some kind of regression. I need to start doing research on how to do this.

I really loved reading your story! thank you so much for sharing it with me!

 

[KenJ]

Time to get to bed, I'll try to answer tomorrow.

 

[Eva1942]

Wow Charlotte, what a revelation!

First of all, you’re not crazy. Validation is one of the most awesome things we can have regarding past life memories. It shows that we are NOT crazy, though you will still have the few that just straight out don’t believe you no matter how much validation you shove in their face... (believe me, I’ve had it and I STILL get it.. )

How do you feel towards portrayals of Napoleon? I once watched a Dad’s Army episode where Captain Mannering once dreamed he was Napoleon and while it was amusing, it made me wonder if the Napoleon reincarnation thought it would be amusing. Anyways I digress.

How do you find a spirit guide? Does it involved meditation? I am into crystals, I wonder if certain crystals could help me get into a more relaxed state. I really want to do some kind of regression. I need to start doing research on how to do this.

Asking for your Spirit Guides to reveal themselves is really quite easy. They are just hanging out waiting for you to call on them for help. The way I did it, was that I got myself into where I was comfortable and relaxed (for me this was my bed) and just asked for them to come forward and help me with dealing with my past life memories.

One of my Spirit Guides is a ‘Dead Nazi’ (ex SS). When he came forward, I was like “oh hell no, you’re seriously not my Spirit Guide!” (I told him to go away twice, but when he wouldn’t go away, I realised he really was my guide ) and he has helped me ever since. I think if I had not called on my Spirit Guides, I would never have had the courage to do a lot of my healing.

I made a post here about Spirit Guides that may be useful for you : http://reincarnationforum.com/threa...be-someone-from-a-past-life.8955/#post-119636

I like the part where you talk about bringing your family members into it; do you know who they were in your past life (lives)? I am sure my mother was my daughter in a former life; I don't know when I began to feel it, almost from when I was able to feel anything, I think. I always felt very close to her, protective over her, even when I was a very young child. As a nearly 40 year old woman, I still have the same protective feelings for her that I always did.

I know who a lot of my family are from my past lives. My parents are both from my WWII lifetime, and a few other friends are from my WWII lifetime and I even have one friend who was a High Priest of Anpu (Anubis) of my father’s (Pharaoh Seti I) in my second Ancient Egypt lifetime.

We always have a very close bond over our children from past lives. My daughter in my WWII lifetime, not to mention the two adopted children I have, I still love and have the same feelings for in this lifetime.

Hope this helps,
Eva x

 

[KenJ]

Charlotte, I’ve been trying to describe the way I visualize the process of connecting with past-life information, or other para-psychological stuff for that matter. Bear with me here as it may seem a little strange; it is like trying to balance two ping-pong balls on top of each other, where the upper one is bigger than the bottom one, on a smooth surface – not very easy unless you do what follows.

If you dent or make a hole in the balls, you can steady them and more easily achieve the desired result. The stabilizing thing for the bottom ball is to state your intent, protect yourself from harm by asking for it, see yourself being protected by white or golden light, relax, focus on your breathing, and look upward toward your third-eye. The hole in the upper ball is more difficult to open. You have to figure this out yourself whether it is simply meditation, self-hypnosis, or with another method. If the hole is too big, it may be so big that it completely covers the lower ball resulting in an OBE or problems is getting it out of your current life.

 

[charlotte98]

Wow Charlotte, what a revelation!
How do you feel towards portrayals of Napoleon?

It's hard to explain. I first began to be interested in history when I was in the 7th grade and they taught about the French Revolution. They didn't touch much on Napoleon that I remember, but I was really fascinated that such a figure could exist and rise to power so quickly after a people deposed and executed a king. So I guess you'd say I was always kind of 'awed' by him, though every time I would get really interested in finding out more about him, something would come up in my life and I'd get distracted and forget all about it. But in general (if you'll pardon the pun) I've always had positive feelings about The Emperor. (thinking back, it was almost like there was a part of me that knew it was 'too soon' to learn more about Napoleon. weird.)

I am on Napoleon's side, for sure. In my eyes he could do no wrong. It's hard to explain it, especially if I want to be a rational human being; but there is a bit of irrationality to it I suppose. I know the bad things he did, the mistakes he made, but it's impossible for me to fault him with them. I'm really quick to make excuses for him and excuse him of all responsibility for anything he ever did wrong.
Even just writing that, I feel bad, like, guilty somehow... I'd say hero worship is an understatement. In my estimation, he was right about 99.8% of the time, and the .02% of the time he wasn't right, it was down to his virtues rather than his faults (i.e. forgiving Fouche and Tallyrand over and over and over, leaving them in the position that they could and did betray him again).

There are things that Napoleon did that were downright rude, and usually you'd say that the person was a jerk for doing them. When they would have a disguise party, he'd always dress as the same thing, a black domino (?) and he had this very particular way of walking w/ both hands behind his back, so everyone knew it was Emperor Napoleon. Well, he'd walk up to a group of women and say to one of them "I heard Blanche Dubois had a very torrid affair with Elizabeth Woodville's husband last month! Did you hear that? Do you think it's true?" Knowing all along that he was talking to Blanche and that Elizabeth was standing just next to her. Things like that.
When I hear about things like that, I don't think "wow, what a jerk!" But I think "Awww! That's so Napoleon! What a Napoleon thing to do! What a scamp!" etc.
I feel that way about all his weird little habits. Like, "That's my Napoleon!! Like a boss!"

 

[charlotte98]

Wow Charlotte, what a revelation!

First of all, you’re not crazy. Validation is one of the most awesome things we can have regarding past life memories. It shows that we are NOT crazy, though you will still have the few that just straight out don’t believe you no matter how much validation you shove in their face... (believe me, I’ve had it and I STILL get it.. )

Asking for your Spirit Guides to reveal themselves is really quite easy. They are just hanging out waiting for you to call on them for help. The way I did it, was that I got myself into where I was comfortable and relaxed (for me this was my bed) and just asked for them to come forward and help me with dealing with my past life memories.

One of my Spirit Guides is a ‘Dead Nazi’ (ex SS). When he came forward, I was like “oh hell no, you’re seriously not my Spirit Guide!” (I told him to go away twice, but when he wouldn’t go away, I realised he really was my guide ) and he has helped me ever since. I think if I had not called on my Spirit Guides, I would never have had the courage to do a lot of my healing.

I made a post here about Spirit Guides that may be useful for you : http://reincarnationforum.com/threa...be-someone-from-a-past-life.8955/#post-119636



I know who a lot of my family are from my past lives. My parents are both from my WWII lifetime, and a few other friends are from my WWII lifetime and I even have one friend who was a High Priest of Anpu (Anubis) of my father’s (Pharaoh Seti I) in my second Ancient Egypt lifetime.

We always have a very close bond over our children from past lives. My daughter in my WWII lifetime, not to mention the two adopted children I have, I still love and have the same feelings for in this lifetime.

Hope this helps,
Eva x

Thank you for saying I'm not crazy. I really and truly felt like I was going insane. All the strong feelings I was having, feeling like I was falling in love with someone, feeling the strange presence of someone... who was clearly not really there... and the dreams, constantly having dreams... and then more feelings... etc... SIGH. Thank you, I can't thank you enough. It feels so good to know this might really be happening.

I will check out the spirit guide post! Thank you!! (the thing about your spirit guide being ex SS is HILARIOUS... 'oh, hell no!' Hahahaha!!)

Thank you for telling me about your family in your other lifetimes. Very, very interesting!

 

[charlotte98]

Ken, That was a very good way to explain that. I completely understand what you are saying.
Thank you very much for this information... I will find it very helpful!

 

[charlotte98]

I had a dream last night and I wanted to share it here...
In my dream I was staying up late waiting for Napoleon to come to bed, and it got to be 4 am, very late anyway. I was awake, I couldn't sleep, I'd been crying and worrying and feeling very jealous thoughts about whoever he was with, sure he was with another woman. He comes in, has a candle lit and sees me awake and is very nonchalant, like, oh, hey, you're still up. And I'm angry, very angry. He's getting undressed and flinging his clothes everywhere and he's pulling his shirt off and I sit up in bed and I grab his arm to have him pay attention to me and I'm crying, and I say "where the bleep were you, who were you with this time" and he looks at me with this almost pitying look, kind of almost amused, but I can tell he's getting angry and he says in this very cold tone of voice "that's none of your concern" and he tears his arm out of my grasp, and reaches up and just slaps me across the face. *wow*. I'm stunned into silence and just lie back down, and he goes on undressing and goes to his side of the bed and just goes to sleep like nothing's wrong.

I woke up right after he laid down... after the slap... it felt so real it woke me up.

that's by far the worst dream I've ever had... and one of the most realistic. I'd say about 99% of my dreams are positive. This one definitely wasn't.

I tried to go back to sleep and make a dream where we made up... but... it didn't happen, I mean, I couldn't manufacture one. As a matter of fact when I went back to sleep, I dreamed that I didn't talk to him for a couple of days. And even then he never really apologized... I just couldn't stay mad anymore. It was like for him it was a non-event. The next day when he realized I wasn't speaking to him he just kind of shrugged and went on with his day like, he didn't really care. Or like: She'll get over it, she always does.
After a couple of days I went to him and said I was sorry, (I know: *I* said *I* was sorry.??!! What the what?) and he gets this warm look in his eyes, melty look, and he takes me in his arms and holds me, and kisses me all over my face, but then he pulls back and his eyes are cold again, and his voice is cold and he says 'don't ask questions you don't want answers to' and 'she's nothing to do with you'. And I just nodded and he kissed me again and he says he has to go somewhere, but he's glad I'm feeling better and that he'll be home late and he leaves. I woke up for good after the second half of the dream.

I was actually rather upset by it... I still am... I don't know what to make of it. Especially the slap part, which felt so real.

 

[KenJ]

Charlotte, you have the ability to ask not to recall the unpleasant things simply for asking, the down-side is that you will limit so much [as I do].

 

[charlotte98]

Charlotte, you have the ability to ask not to recall the unpleasant things simply for asking, the down-side is that you will limit so much [as I do].

That is a very good thing to know.
I might just have to do that. I feel rather conflicted right now. I've been asking for more information, begging for it in fact, but now that I have it... I feel... I feel actually kind of very upset and angry.

 

[Jaimie]

Hi Charlotte 98, thank you for sharing your story ! I understand that you got upset and angry after your dream. It does not feel as if this was a relationship on equal terms, and I am guessing it must have effected your self esteem back then. As I read your story before I was kinda waiting for it, I figured there has to be more than this sunny side of things. I hope you did not sell yourself short, but found yourself back to YOU again, if you know what I mean. Take care
/Jaimie

 

[charlotte98]

Hi Charlotte 98, thank you for sharing your story ! I understand that you got upset and angry after your dream. It does not feel as if this was a relationship on equal terms, and I am guessing it must have effected your self esteem back then. As I read your story before I was kinda waiting for it, I figured there has to be more than this sunny side of things. I hope you did not sell yourself short, but found yourself back to YOU again, if you know what I mean. Take care
/Jaimie

Yes, I was very upset after the dream. Truth be told, there is still a bad taste in my mouth. The thing I found the most odious was how I actually apologized, even though I hadn't done anything wrong, and how I was made to feel that I was not even allowed to question him. And how easily he turned cold and unresponsive; the way it had been so easy for him to abuse me and then go right to sleep.

Despite all of it, I still love him. I still feel overwhelming love for him. I just think it was a very complicated relationship and that he was a very complicated man. Maybe in that incarnation he was not capable of true love; I don't know. I just know that I love him despite of everything.

Thank you for your kind regards! I rather hope I found my way back to "me" again as well. I know exactly what you mean!

Is any relationship all roses and hearts? I mean.... if anything, I think it's helping me to come to terms with remembering a real life lived and not just the façade of one. One that is real is painful, often messy... but it's so much more meaningful than just the façade of 'happily ever after'.
does that make sense at all? I feel like I'm getting more of the picture.