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Moving Through Grief

I thought I’d share a different kind of grief…from the point of view of a child losing her only parent. These are probably some of my more difficult memories to share – and even writing about it makes my heart ache and tears well up in my eyes.

Let me explain firstly, that Madeleine was raised primarily by her Maman, and her mother’s friends/co-workers who lived in the house and shared accommodations with them (Madeleine's Maman was a courtesan.) To Madeleine – Maman “sparkled,” and she made life exciting and fun. Madeleine thought her Maman was famous. :D

For some reason (unknown to me!), we had to leave France and move to the US. My real father's mother - who I'd never met - lived there. At first, I thought we were only going for a visit. I didn't know my Maman was dying.

Maddie had already lost everyone dear to her – including her homeland when they moved to the Southern US. Every familiar thing was gone, so the loss of her Maman was magnified by being in a foreign country surrounded by strangers. The only person to reach out to Maddie was Cora, her grandmother’s black housekeeper. Cora’s whole family took to Maddie – and she was best friends with Cora’s granddaughter, Charlie. I have many memories of Maddie's life - but for me, this is the hardest one.

From my journal:

Maman is in her bed – shaking and sweating. I am sitting in a chair next to her, a cloth in my hand, wiping her forehead. I am humming a song, stroking her hair. I rinse out the cloth in a basin, fold it and place it on her head. I take her hand, tracing little circles on it. Maman takes a long, shuddering breath. Her eyes open – they look large, round and surprised. She says my name, “Madeleine,” and reaches out an arm in front of her. I tell her “I’m here Maman.” I climb on the bed with her. I kiss her cheek. She is gasping for air – each sound a horrible wheezing. I feel a terrible fear clutching at me as Maman struggles to breathe – and to speak. She is saying something – and I lean closer to hear. Something is wrong -- her body is jerking. I feel panic fluttering in my chest – start to run for the door, change my mind and run back to her. I wrap my arms around her; bury my face in between her hair and her neck. I am telling her I love her. I feel her arms around me – hear her whispering words – “Ma belle enfant.” Tears are falling from my eyes. I cannot help it – I start sobbing, saying “Maman, Maman,” over and over again. Fear is making my heart pound. Then her arms are falling from me – her body relaxing. “Maman,” I cry, trying to shake her. I am telling her to “Wake up! Wake up!!” Her eyes are open, but they are focused upwards – on the ceiling. A terrible stabbing pain hits my stomach area – moving up through my heart. I feel the stillness in the room. Tears – flow from my eyes and I curl up next to Maman, my head on her chest. No heartbeat…no breath teasing my hair. Just silence and tears as I hold my Maman. I feel crushing sorrow. I can’t hold it inside – I can’t be quiet as I wail in grief. Moments later Cora is pulling me into her arms, trying to pull me away from Maman. I resist, fighting her, unwilling to leave, unwilling to be comforted. Cora finally succeeds in getting me in her arms. “Hush, hush, baby. Your Momma be wit God an’ his angels in Heaven. No more pain, baby.” I am sobbing, my arms around Cora as she carries me from the room.


I am shivering, sitting on the top step in my nightgown. I hear the old witch go to bed, but I am scared to go down the steps until I know she is asleep. Slowly I creep down, staying close to the wall. I go into the parlor. There I see Maman laid out for her funeral. The grandmother has had her dressed in “respectable” clothes – I know Maman would hate it. It is an ugly dress. I step closer and closer to the plain pine box. Maman, Maman, my heart cries silently. Why did you leave me alone? I stare at my mother’s face – slowly reach out a hand to trace the lines – the brows, the cheeks – for the last time. Tomorrow – they put my mother under the dirt. Suddenly -- I can’t breathe! I am choking, gasping for air. My body is shaking as tears run down my face. I want my Maman – I want her to wake up and hold me. I want to reach out and hold her. But I can’t, I can’t…why did she leave me here in this awful country without her? I can't breathe!
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Madeleine only lived about a year and a half after her mother’s death. Despite the profound sense of grief and loss I feel at re-experiencing Maman’s death – I can still remember the feeling of all of the good times – the fun times, and all of the special moments that Maddie got to share with her Maman and for that I feel truly blessed. ;)

Does anyone else have a memory to share?

Aili :)
 
I could share Aili - but I think instead I will just say - what a truly wonderful memory you have shared here with others.

It brought tears to my eyes. I so respect your sense of self, your deep and heart felt search for meaning, and your never ending drive to resolve conflict, loss and grief with grace.

I bow deeply.
 
That was so very touching, Aili. Thank you for sharing such intimate feelings. It made me shiver, also because it brought back the memory of my mothers death in the present life, when I was 13. I know how hard it can be to talk about what one feels at such moment.


Eevee
 
Thank you for sharing Aili! Like Eevee, I also got a shiver, I lost my grandmother to breast cancer and watching her go was the worst summer of my life. At her funeral I held together to be strong for my mother and sister but when one of the songs came on I lost it. I was really close to my grandma, I wish I would have had more time with her. She was a cool, fun, and strong lady! :)
 
Thank you Aili - that was very touching. :( I'm sure it was difficult to share that, but on the other hand I think it does you good. Poor little Maddie, I'd like to just hold and comfort her. :(

Karoliina
 
Lovely Ailish (in a sad way). Grief is such a bitter-sweet feeling. If not for great love, great grief would not be possible.

I often feel intense, otherwise inexplicable, joy when I see my friend alive and carelessly going about his business especially because I have recalled such terrible sadness and grief over the centuries in relation to him.

Tinkerman, as always, you write so poetically:

I'm starting to comprehend the mystery...but still, I'll cry again tomorrow. Thats being human in the greatest sense! However...utter joy is part of the cycle too. Recognizing it in those around us, here and now, amplifies life upward and outward...opposite the depths of grief...and fulfills life.
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Aili, that was truly a powerful story...as Tanguerra said, it's beautiful in its sad way. I know you're really in tune with those involved in your current life, any chance you've been close to her again?

In such a memory there are deep resonate meanings and lessons...karma, if you will. Do you see it now, or feel the meaning in any way related to you in 2007?

Thanks for sharing...
Tman
 
Thank you for the lovely thoughts and comments, everyone :)

Deborah -- I bow deeply back to you. ;) I know you handle your past life tragedies and sorrows with amazing amounts of grace and compassion -- and you have taught me a lot. I hope you do share some of your experiences with us. I know I would love to hear them.

Eevee and VanH -- I'm sorry to hear about your Mom and Grandma. Grief can be such a difficult emotion to deal with, and it's something you can never be prepared for, whether you lose a loved one suddenly to an accident, or watch them lose the battle to a terrible illness. I lost my Grandma to cancer in this life and it was unbelievably hard, but there are also amazingly beautiful moments to be found within that circle of sadness.

Karoliina -- I agree. Some of the hardest things to share, feel really good after doing so. And I do think that by talking about it -- you are both sharing and releasing that emotion -- which brings healing ......

Tanguerra -- I like that..."If not for great love, great grief would not be possible." Words of wisdom :D I know personally I'd rather have those moments of great love in my life -- even if it's only for short time.

Tman -- I do see a pattern from that life that has run through several of my lives and even into my present one in a different sort of way. Becoming aware of it -- is definitely a blessing for with awareness comes change. ;) Most of the memories I have from Madeleine's life are from 1995-1996 that I've recorded in journals. Recently, I've had some new information crop up again in dreams, meditations and through spontaneous recall. I do think that I know who she is now ~ although it is a fairly recent discovery, we are in the process of exploring, sharing and validating....exciting stuff!


Aili
 
My friend X and I went to a wake tonight. A friend of ours has died, too young, too soon. Such is sometimes the way of things. :(


It is timely that I read this tonight, because I was feeling somewhat sad about my friend of course, but also vexed with X about a minor disagreement - it happens very rarely - but emotions were running high.


I have turned on the computer having left X to his own devices, but in good spirits nonetheless of course (I am always scrupulous to do so, no matter what - those who know my story will understand why) and a private message lead me back here *hi* and somehow to this thread....


Our friends are precious. Our loved ones are precious. While we must always hold them close, while they live - love, cherish, respect, nurture and listen to them - we must also learn how to bid farewell to them when they depart this lovely blue planet, at least for a time.


I am a bit funny at funerals (not literally of course!) because to me, while it is sad that I will not see that person again this life, it is sad that I will miss them, it is sad that I may or may not ever see them again (or remember them if I do), it is sad for their other friends and family to feel those things too...but it is not sad that the person has died 'per se'.


We are all immortal of course. While we know these things intellectually, it is always a great sorrow when people die, especially before their time.
 
Hi Tanguerra,


It's lovely to see you back for a visit, although unfortunately under some sad circumstances. I'm very sorry for the loss of your friend (((((Tanguerra))))).


I understand what you're saying about death. Death itself is not sad - it is simply a new beginning. However, as feeling human beings, we do mourn the loss of that presence in our lives. It's very difficult to lose someone we love. I'm not sure that a belief in reincarnation eases the loss of that person, but I do think it helps with some of the healing...knowing they are okay and that they will be back again.


You are absolutely right - we must cherish and value those we love while we have the opportunity. It's so important to not just say the words - but to show by way of your actions - how much your friends and family mean to you.


Sending you and "X" good thoughts and many blessings,


Aili
 
Sorry for your loss Tanguerra,


Death so young is difficult for all. It feels like there should always be a regular rhythm to life --- we are born, we develop, we have families of our own, and as we age we learn about death through the ones we love dieing. I am going through aging parents who are nearing their end and am thankful for what seems like this natural process. I think I will not be so overwhelmed by it all.


I hope you can find some rhythm of some sort through this loss--- maybe finding more connections to the people around you who are also grieving. Maybe your own reasons will show themselves in time..


soulfriendly
 
I think this is a good thread to share a memory I have of my life as Anna, an Austrian woman in the 1800's.


I had married a man of standing, and we had a good life, materially as well as personally. Till, for some reason which I don't remember yet, our wealth was drastically reduced. At the time of this memory, already a lot of our valuables were sold, the personnel was dismissed, and we didn't get new clothes for a long time already. We were wearing clothes that were once of high quality, beautiful dresses and suits, but now they were starting to look wornout. Since there was no personnel and no money anymore, the house itself was deteriorating fast also, it showed only a shadow of its former glory.


Anyhow, this as a description of the setting of my memory.


From my journal :

I am standing in the living room of our house, feeling empty. I ran out of tears…for now at least. In the room to my right, the dead body of our 12 year old daughter is lying, Our only child, our Gretl. I just left that room. I had wanted to see her once again, before the men would come to prepare her for the funeral. I should go to my room now to change clothes and prepare myself to accompany her on her last journey. But my brain is numb, I can’t concentrate yet on practical things.
Two days ago, she was riding her horse through the fields and the wood nearby. She must have been happy in her last moments, cause she let her horse run so fast that it stumbled and threw her off, on the edge of the wood. Our neighbour, who was passing by on the road, saw it happen in the distance. When he came to her, he saw her head was bent in an unnatural way, and her eyes were staring in the void. He brought her home….


My thoughts wander to that terrible moment again. The panic, the cold that filled my heart. Franz, my husband, ordering our gardener – the only servant we still had, and he performed a lot of tasks – to take the carriage and get the doctor immediatly. I showed the neighbour the way to Gretl’s room, I felt like I could collapse every moment.


I stayed with her all the time till the doctor came – crying, caressing her, holding her hands…to no avail.


After a while, the wife of our neighbour came, with her sister, and I was led out of the room.They asked me where they could find everything to make my baby look clean and pretty.


I hear someone opening and closing the front door, it’s Franz. When he passes the living room, he sees me and stops in the doorway. I go towards him, looking for some comfort. But he can’t give me that. I know he feels guilty….guilty because, since our financial situation went down, and we had to sell a lot of stuff, he let Gretl keep her horse. He didn’t want to take away our girl’s biggest joy and dearest friend. I know he blames himself now, but he can’t talk about it.


While I take him by his arm, I look up at him. He aged years those last two days. I guess I don’t look much better.


It really is time for us to get dressed now, I already hear the carriages for the funeral. The priest will also arrive soon, for the small service that will be held in our house.


While Franz and I walk to our rooms, I am already thinking that I should look for the right moment to ask him to sell the house. Nothing keeps me here anymore, and hopefully it will bring up enough Money to give us a start somewhere else.
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In that life, I tried to move through grief by keeping myself occupied, making plans that would leave me no time for grieving about my child, hoping that 'time would heal all wounds'.


I have no real further memories of this life yet, but I do have the feeling that this wound never healed completely in that life.


Eevee
 
Hi alaskanlaughter,


No, I didn't recognize (yet) any of my past family members or friends in the present life.


Eevee
 
Eevee said:
I had married a man of standing, and we had a good life, materially as well as personally. Till, for some reason which I don't remember yet, our wealth was drastically reduced.


Since there was no personnel and no money anymore, the house itself was deteriorating fast also, it showed only a shadow of its former glory.


In that life, I tried to move through grief by keeping myself occupied, making plans that would leave me no time for grieving about my child, hoping that 'time would heal all wounds'.


Eevee
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What a stressful time.. What struck me is that in your story Eevee, you had two major stressors happening at the same time. Your attachment to that house and its loss of the wonderful plans you had for your family. Those two would take alot of your world away.


And being a woman , if you are like me that would mean triple the stress. I say this because it has meant more stress generally for women who cannot support themselves and who have no way of changing those norms.


I am understanding now in hindsight , in my past life journeys it is the things that I was not able to see through that stuck in my consciousness and deep in my heart. This can happen from the people who raised us, from the situation that we end up in.


For me having lived in a well to do middle class family with alot of success in my parents dreams, my sense of hopes and values got lost. I never learned about the real world. THey kept their feelings hidden and I had no way of seeing their real struggles. I


This was one cultural mode which prevented me from finding my real feelings and making up my own opinions. I think for women through alot of history , our sense of self of coping was stifled by the confines of not working, not being able to vote, etc.


Have you been able to refind that house and family in your life or even in your mind?? I like to do visualizations where I see a differeent ending. Through expecting the best , it gives me the confidence that life can be good under different circumstances. This helps to motivate me, through stopping the negative self defeating old tapes in my mind . Once I have broken the loop , it gets easier to remain in the now , to get on with the job at hand of creating that wonderful world we all deserve in the now ..


I have been very lucky to be with some people who remind me of my past and who support and have the faith of the good in me. THis support has helped me to feel more like allowing the sad and awful things in my past to be that ,,,, in my past..


I hope you find your peace.. soulfreindly


Soulfreindly
 
Hi soulfreindly,


Thank you for your kind words. I never recognized someone from that life to be with me now. However, I find consolation in the fact that I remember many past lives, and some people from those lives are or were with me now. It is comforting to know that we are all interconnected, and that all who were once dear to us, will eventually be part of our life experience again.


Eevee
 
Nice Evee, how wonderful it is to trust more and more that love does continue ,even beyond some of the hard and lonely times in our lives. Beleiving in past lives has given me a different sense of faith ... which I am so thankful for. A faith not built on hope and on the future, but on the love that is present always as it always has been.


nanci
 
Dealing with the death of a loved one - or the loss of a close friend is always difficult. I think that past life memories of death can be healing - in the now.


Please feel free to expand on and or share your thoughts as they relate to death and any experiences you care to share.
 
Ailish,


I cannot, at the moment, speak to the issue of past life loss. Perhaps that is because I still feel too strongly the experience of loss in this, my present life.


In 1994, my brother Andy died of complications from AIDS. There were no romantic, Hollywood-style endings. He died slowly, in agony, begging for more TIME, and I watched him die. His abdomen swelled with AIDS-induced cancer, and sores wracked his body, until he found refuge only in drugs. Meanwhile, the United Colors of Benetton--God curse the company forever--issued a series of ads in the early 1990s that sought profit from the death of Andy and thousands of others like him.


I grieved, and continue to grieve, alone. There are no explanations, or answers. This is the true meaning of loss. And there is no recovery. Time soothes, but never heals.


If you lose a loved one in this way, only you can know what it means. The experience is individual, but in one way or another it rips your guts out and leaves you gasping.


Friends and loved ones care--though often they really don't--but they can never understand. They are embarrassed. Yet Andy, a very spiritual guy (he died aged 30) would have understood. I hope he understands now. In some respects, I think his end was merciful compared to what his parents and siblings must forever endure. Even now, fifteen years later, I often find myself pondering his last sights, his last breath. What did he see? What will I see? Andy was gay. He loved 1930s movies, but was born in 1963. Was he an actress in a past life? He was obsessed with Joan Crawford. Did he know her back then? You see the little thoughts that obsess me, a survivor. Translate this over lifetimes, into past life memories, and you might connect a little with the raw, real time emotion. Words cannot express it. But do you see, feel, what I mean?


Lonewolf
 
I'm sorry for your loss, Lonewolf. Grieving for a loss in this life has to be heavier than past life memories, no matter how vivid they feel.


I'm sure you already know your and Andy's paths will surely cross again.


Karoliina
 
Thank you Lonewolf. Your words have moved my heart to the core. I suppose there is no Love without loss.


All I can say is - I understand. Your grief - is yours alone. But I do feel that your words could be mine too.


Time smoothes things over. I have to believe in healing - but some wounds do burn for a very long time.


My heart is with you.


Love and Light


Welsh
 
Love and light to you Lonewolf. I echo what was written above. This sadness, your connection to Andy, and all of the peripheral events are all your journey...to learn from, to grow from. Yes, even in the depths of grief.


Two of my best friends died of AIDS in 1992 and 1993, within a year of each other. It stunned our close knit group of friends. Its hideous and painful sickness took those two beautiful, gentle and kind souls in a way that left no rhyme or reason. It is hard, if not impossible, to comprehend in a compassionate way WHY...yet the tone and vibrancy of their lives said we must. Yes the hurt is there and no one knows the personal depths we each feel in their loss. But we've been blessed to know there is a greater, spiritual and cosmic agenda..and to that we/ I surrender.


I wish you well,


Tinkerman
 
Grief is something we all deal with at certain times in our lives - we can all relate. Past life memories of loss and grief can bring about the opportunity for profound healing in the present moment. This thread is one of my favorites - the stories here are heartfelt.


I'd love to hear new members thoughts and stories.


Aili
 
Excellent topic.


I have not lost a friend but a lot of my family members are getting diagnosed with cancer and a few of my mother and father's friends have just moved on. I would like to take this opportunity to wish them good luck on the other side and I wish that they will find happiness over there as well.


I don't have much memories yet, but I get fast images of them. And its starting to sink in.
 
This time of year is so difficult for me. In the last few years I have lost my son, my brother, and my father. My whole family is gone. My mother died many years ago. Extended family members fill some of the void but nothing can touch that aching loss of knowing your child is not here.


And so I have felt the need to detach myself from all that is familiar as all that seems to do is rustle up memories. I've found a Buddhist group nearby and have been frequenting their meditation sessions. It helps to be somewhere totally foreign where no one has to know who I was and how much loss I carry with me unless I want to tell them. And even then it is different as they have nothing to compare me with.


I am finding I feel quite comfortable in this culture. Perhaps I will stumble upon a past life connection here.


It helps to be someone else for awhile when you struggle with grief of this magnitude.


I know that karma is a complex mechanism that doesn't fit neatly into simple cause-effect explanations but there have been many days when I have wondered out loud in agony just what bad karma button did I press to have this as my lot?
 
concentrating on this life


I want to believe reincarnation, that is why I check this forum very often. Why I want to believe reincarnation, because I just lost my 3-year-old son for 6 months.


I register this forum today, because of this thread.


It is very nice to hear from you guys. But unfortunately I do not like this thread. It does not help me, on the contrary, it makes me even more sad. Most of you guys here talked about your past lives with the experience of losing childeren. I don't remember anything about my past lives, so I do not have any pain from my past lives. But I do have pain of the lost in my present life.


Everyday I am thinking of carrying on or going to die! From your so called "past lives" experience of losing beloved ones, you can't imagine what I have now!


I come here because I want to get comfort, to believe that my son will reincarnate to me, to release a little bit pain. Because if I don't die, I would like to have decent life even I have lost my son. But this thread makes me desperate. From this thread, it seems dat I will not only suffer from my lost in my present life, but also it will give me influence in my next lives! Come on, one life carrying pain is more than enough!


Sorry I am too honest, maybe it is not plesant for your guys to read my message, but I hope you guys can understand me!


Thank you!
 
For those of you who are grieving, check out after-death.com. The site is owned by the Guggenheims and there are many posters who have lost family members, myself included. I know they helped me immensely when I lost my father.
 
Hello Angelafly, welcome to the forum :)


First of all, I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your son. I believe there is no greater pain than a mother's grief for her lost child. Unfortunately, it is the beginning of a long and painfully difficult journey, which from your point of view, there appears to be no end in sight at this moment in time. The good news however, is that you can, and you will get through this.


I don't know what your beliefs are, I don't know if you are a religious person? When a child dies, many people question the existence of God, how could God be so cruel? How could God let this happen to an innocent child? The fact is, everything happens for a reason. As difficult as it is to believe now, but from the perspective of spiritual growth (both yours and your son's) everything can happen for a greater good, however devastating these things are perceived from a two dimensional point of view in our physical world. In order to make any sense of this, you really need to understand that death is certainly not the 'final curtain', and you really need to know the basics of why we reincarnate, and this forum is an excellent resource for you to begin with.


2 years ago, I met a good friend who was in the same situation as you find yourself in now. Since she lost her baby, she has become a mother again to a new baby. The signs and physical evidence that her baby has returned to her are absolutely staggering. She chooses to keep many of these details private, so I have to respect that, but you can read some of her posts here: Will my baby's soul return to our family?


I can't honestly say that your son will return to you one day, he may or he may not, neither I or anybody else can build your hopes up. But I can say that death is certainly not the end for any of us, but just a phase of transition - the end of one chapter, to the beginning of a new one. You may find comfort in reading one of Carol's books: Return From Heaven: Beloved Relatives Reincarnated Within Your Family And there is also an excellent website which can provide you with some much needed support as a grieving parent: MISS Foundation


I know there are no words that can make you feel better right now, but be brave and prepare for the difficult ride ahead - it is a long one, and it is a journey that will see you come out the other side a spiritually stronger person, I can promise you that hug2.gif
 
Angelafly said:
From this thread, it seems that I will not only suffer from my loss in my present life, but also it will give me influence in my next lives! Come on, one life carrying pain is more than enough!
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Hi Angelafly, and welcome to the Forum! Your honesty is much appreciated and your pain is shared by many of us, as I'm sure you noticed by some of the posts you've read. I agree that one life of pain is more than enough, and the message of Reincarnation doesn't guarantee relief from the pain of loss, because all it guarantees is repeated lifetimes full of pain as well as joy. It is a double-edged sword which swings both ways; one way which suggests that our loved ones will return to us, and the other way which suggests that we will loose our loved ones again.


However, I would strongly recommend that you read Carol Bowman's book, "Return From Heaven", which is full of powerful cases in which children have returned to their families in some way or another. In addition you might also be interested in reading "20 Cases Suggestive of Reincarnation" by the late Dr. Ian Stevenson.
 
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