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my daughter in law, my mom. Same temper & emotional issues: help!

S

same.soul

Lori, NY USA
Hi,
This is my first post here and i'm coming in to look for help with my new daughter in law. I believe she is my mom reincarnated. My mom and I did not have a good or close relationship, I feared and felt intimidated by her rage and emotional issues, she was a very unhappy woman. Since her death in 1987 I've worked out all of my past feelings towards her and feel much love and compassion towards her. All of my visits with her in dreams now are good and loving.

My problem is now with my son's new wife, who is from China. She has so many of my mom's traits that i'm sure they are one and the same. My son is extremely distraught about the "other side" of her very loving personality, which has come out full force since she arrived in NYC in June.

My son is very loving, level headed and never been in any sort of trouble with the law, to sum it up he's an analytical, adventurous, loving, easy going engineer. Since she has come here she has become demanding, irrational, physically & mentally abusive towards him.

There have been a couple of really bad instances where help from the family & unfortuatly once law enforcement was summoned. Of course all of this drama has not gone over well with my daughter and ex husband and they want little to do with her.

On a positive note she is not like this all the time and my son loves her very much. I have had very limited conversation with her as she is embarrassed and feels that she has "lost face" with us because my son confided and asked for help from us.

I so want to spend time with her, but that hasn't happened yet. I really hope she will come here with my son at Christmas time.

I feel for this girl and because i believe she is my mom returned as my daughter in law I want to help both her and my son. What to do? Maybe a consult with Carol could give me ideas as what i can to do help her and my son?
 
Hello same.soul, welcome to the forum :)


If your mother has returned as your daughter-in-law with old issues from the past, then I think this is something she needs to work out for herself. Have you ever talked to her about past lives? Do you know what her thoughts are on the subject? If she is open minded about it, then maybe you could show her some photos of your mother and see how she reacts. You don't even have to mention reincarnation, she might feel a 'familiarity' with the old pictures of your family, and you can take it from there. I think it's a bit premature to start suggesting things like past life regression.


For now, I think the answer to your question lies in your own post. You've stated that you have worked out all of your past feelings towards your mother, and now feel much love and compassion towards her, so I think this is the way forward with your daughter-in-law, it sounds like love and compassion may be something that has been lacking in her life, or previous life.


Have you read Carol's second book: Return From Heaven: Beloved Relatives Reincarnated Within Your Family? If not, then maybe you can gain a little more insight into reincarnation and how it works, and why. And of course, we are here if you have any further questions, or if you just need support. Thanks for sharing your story, and I hope you'll stick around and keep us updated.


Chris
 
See how she reacts to items that your mother had. See if she recognizes any photos of your old homes, etc. When was your daughter-in-law born? Does she physically resemble your mother? I wonder if she would remember anything your mother did with you? Very interesting.
 
Stranger in a foreign land...


Dear same.soul,


I would like to venture a thought that I myself experienced when I moved to a foreign country in my early twenties. Everything was so strange and different that my feelings were very confusing...one time up, one time down. I did not have full use of the new language and therefore could not express myself and even when I tried...it came out all wrong. I once said to my new mother-in-law something about my baby daughters diaper rash and she understood that I had acused her son of sexual abuse!!! It was more than frustrating!!


So you see, it may be the circumstances. I do not doubt what you see and feel, after all, I believe in reincarnation, but I think time is what you need...wishing you all well!


​
 
my daughter in law, my mom


Argonne,


thank you for replying! My daughter in law's name is Li but she chose the same english name as my mom: Joyce. She chose this name before she met my son and knew it was my mom's name. She does resemble my mom in talents: quick at picking up languages, has a very good singing voice, likes to dance & was a very sociable girl until she came to the USA. My mom was very sociable until after she had us children.


My mom and Joyce both are dark haired, have smaller eyes, nice figure, stylish dressers & are more comfortable around men than women.


On the challenging side both were spoiled, controlling, jealous issues & have tempers.


My mom suffered from migraines and my son has said that Joyce get's headaches frequently.


My mom died in 1987 and Joyce was born in 1992.


I had been really sad that my mom never apologized, hugged me or told me she loved me, ever. The first time i spoke to Joyce on the phone she told me she loved me. I'm sure she meant that she really liked what my son said about me because it was one of their first dates and they were in China.


And then the first time she met me she was terrified of him leaving her with me for 2 weeks while he went to china on a business trip. They came and i saw her for maybe an hour and then i had to work and the next morning they were back to say good bye as he had to drive her back to NYC (6hr trip) because she was terrified to even meet members of our family. She wouldn't even come in the house but when i went out to the car she hugged me tight and kept saying how sorry she was. I've not seen them since.


I really want to spend time with her but either her or my son finds excuses that keeps us all at a distance. My son and I have a great relationship and talk all the time, he's just trying to keep his head above water with her and work.


She is very intersted in meeting my dad, my brother (my mom's favorite) my brothers son (my mom's favorite grandchild) and my other 2 little nephews. She doesn't express any interest in meeting any women in the family.


I know that was a long explanation, I have challenges summing things up and do better with giving examples. There is so much more excruciatingly painful drama that has happened since she has been here and I am so worried about my son. He isn't sleeping much due to her tantrums and he's afraid of her never adapting to our culture or family.


I'm looking for ways to comfort her (am thinking of just telling them i'm flying in to see them in Dec.) without mentioning my thoughts about her being my mom or anything heavy like that.


I don't think she is feeling unloved from her present family (per my son't many visits with them) but think her emotional instability comes directly from her past life as my mom.


Do you have a family member who you think may be a reincarnated family member?
 
my daughter in law, my mom


Chris,


My son says that she is buddhist and does believe in reincarnation. She has seen pictures of my mom but i'm not sure what her reaction was as it was sent over the computer.


I am reading "Return From Heaven: Beloved Relatives Reincarnated Within Your Family" and was just reading about the little boy who came back as his little brother. When i realized the healing that took place as his mom brought up the subject with him i could sense that she was helped so much by the experience. I became really excited that maybe there was something i could say to her and/or my son to slow down their train wreck of a relationship.


I feel that if something isn't done my son is going to end up sick or worse. And my daughter absolutely hates this girl for all the drama she has brought on. I really think that she had no idea that spoiled girl tantrums are not prized here. I'ts a phenomenon in China called saijaio. I want to at least try and help them.
 
Aelfgyva


Oh dear, diaper rash to complete misunderstanding? so sorry that must have been so hard! What makes this hard is she didn't want to come here. I think most americans feel that anyone from a foreign country must want to move here, but she desperately misses China. My son does want to live there as well, but worries that it will be for life.


Have you had any people in your family that you believe were past members?
 
A greatgrandmothers kiss!


Goodmorning from Holland and thank-you same.soul for your question. Yes, you are right, most Americans believe that everyone in the world would love to live in America...I am one that left and I can say that there are MANY wonderful places in this beautiful world...and China is probably one of them.


I had never really thought about same family reincarnations until last spring when it leaped up and slapped me in the face...out of the blue! My daughter and granddaughter were visiting us from Alaska. I hadn't seen both of them for over 3 years, they left Europe when my grandbaby was almost 3...she had no memory of me...sure, Skype and Co. but that was all. I always noticed though, that since the moment she was born, we had something very special...I just didn't know what???. Well, to make a short story even shorter...at breakfast one beautiful May day on this visit, she got up out of her chair, came over to me and cupped my face in her two little hands and then she kissed my forehead, my right cheek, my left cheek, my chin and last my nose...I got monster goose bumps...that was exactly how my greatgrandmother had kissed me as a child!! I had never kissed my daughter like that, so I knew it didn't come from her! I loved my greatgrandmother sooo much, we lived next door to each other and we always together.


So you see...I now think about same family reincarnation. My granddaughter said to my last week..." Oma, I just want to be with you..." so simple right??? It is a shame that they ( I adore my daughter too ) are so far away, but I do believe that souls find each other across many miles...even as far away as China!
 
My whole family is together in America after our previous lives in china. Anything is truly possible.
 
Same.soul, you have very clearly described a heart-rending situation. Your daughter in law very well may be your mother, but obtaining any level of cooperation with her to pin it down sounds completely out of the picture, as is your possibility to effect any beneficial changes for her and your son other than unconditional love for both of them.


I have been able to find aspects of other's lifeplans where they intersected with my own and obtained answers for events which left me reeling. The affect was extremely therapeutic and enabled me to hold those events in a positive light despite their destructive consequences. Your situation with both your mother and DIL may become more clear through an akashic reading, which I have found is the most rapid way to obtain information about my lifeplan. Whether your DIL is your mother or not is not necessarily critical, but what you can find out is why someone in your soulgroup is playing this role over generations and for what purpose.


My best wishes to you and your family.
 
my daughter in law, my mom


well after thinking and thinking about what i wrote previously i determined that i needed to push a bit for a visit with my son and daughter in law. During a great chat on the phone last night i told my son that i really wanted to come visit. Long story short: she is ready for me to come and i have a flight booked for Dec. 1st. Sooo excited!


Now i'll be able to spend some time with her and finally get to know her.


Aelfgyva, how wonderful that you see your g. grandma in your grand daughter! So precious for you to have her back. I can relate to your closeness, i loved my grandmas so much and have drempt of them often. I think like you i'll probably have skype relationships with my grandchildren too. Neither of my children live near me, thank goodness for skype.
 
My daughter in law, my mom


Totoro,


Your story is fascinating, thank you so much for sharing! I've been reading your posts and am fascinated with the amount of detail that you have.
 
You're very welcome! I'm glad you enjoyed reading it.


I feel I've been quite lucky in having access to so much; so it's my pleasure to share it with you.


If I can help you in any way, please feel free to ask :laugh:
 
same.soul, I have had a wonderful mother-in-law, and a bad one. I think you will fall into the wonderful category. The girl your son is with is very young, possibly too young to handle marriage in any country, much less one in which she is far from home and has language difficulties. In my opinion, it might be easiest for you to approach this problem from the perspective of your son, and his attraction to her. Would he be amenable to help from a past-life regressionist, to try to understand their previous connections? It seems to me that this might be the crux of the problem-not whether she was your mother in a previous life. Your relationship to her, although important, is subsidiary to what they have with each other. From your description, it is not just you that she has difficulty with, but your entire family. You are showing remarkable understanding and compassion.
 
Aelfgyva said:
...I had never really thought about same family reincarnations until last spring when it leaped up and slapped me in the face...out of the blue! ...
Click to expand...
I have a somewhat similar experience, except I did know about same family reincarnations. My mother died in 1988 and in 1996 my niece had a baby girl. A day or so after the birth, my niece called me to tell me she'd had a girl and her name is Jillian. When she said Jillian, I think I must have jumped at least two inches while sitting in my chair! Something inside of me screamed M O M !!!!!!!


The next day I talk with my sister, the little girls grandmother, who is quite "Christian" and would not even consider past-lives, said to me VERY excited; "Jillian is so cute, SHE'S JUST LIKE MOM, SHE'S JUST LIKE MOM!!!" So now I have two indications that Jillian is my mother come back.


But, it did not stop there! A few days later, I'm talking with a good friend and tell her this story. This friend then says; "OH!! Have I got goosebumps!! And when I get goosebumps, they are truth bumps!! That IS your mother come back."


So, I have no doubt that my mother came back as my nieces child.


same.soul:


From what I've experienced, you and your son are quite likely to still have some unresolved issues with your mother / DIL. I've seen many times that when one clears their own issues, their relationships change for the better spontaneously. A properly directed past-life session for you and or your son could clear things up a lot. Of course the same applies to your DIL.


You might also want to look into EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques) and also surrogate EFT. To do healing on all involved. Be careful with the surrogate EFT. Don't send out what you would not welcome back to you. These last two sentences will not likely make sense until you understand surrogate EFT. The basic EFT course is free and in my opinion, it is so powerful and wonderful, everyone should know about it. It's even better when combined with past-life work.


P.S. I remember a very funny thing with a lot of truth in it that was said once. It went; "Let's say that you have a nasty enemy and you kill him. Then your wife gets pregnant. Guess what? That sucker is in there!"
 
I don’t have any feelings on whether she’s your mother returned or not, but just wanted to make a couple of comments. One is that it may well be that her bad behavior is being exacerbated by her being a foreigner in a foreign land - a friend of my husband married a woman from another country, and good grief, she was awful! Really! LOL! We got out of the way and avoided them for a long time...fast forward many years...she’s a complete dear and I love her and she’s an incredibly sweet person and has done more for the welfare of others than I ever will. Her bad behavior I think was largely because of her frustrations of coping with being an immigrant, prejudices, language differences, insecurities, etc., with some youthful hormones and maybe just bad manners on everyone's’ part thrown in. Anyway - I love her and now I feel badly for not having cut her more slack when she needed it.


On the other hand - that your DIL is finding excuses to keep her husband at a distance from his family is giving me a bad feeling. Remember that abusers (usually depicted as male, but certainly they can be female) try to isolate their victims from the support of any friends or family, and that the old ‘you told your family about the time I hit you and the police came? I’m so embarrassed, how will I ever face them now, maybe we shouldn't see them for a while, they misunderstand everything, they’re the ones causing trouble between us, they’re telling you lies about me behind my back, do you love me or do you want to run home to mama…’ is a classic pattern.


I’m just sayin’. I agree with BriarRose that the crux of the issue for the moment is the relationship with your son, not whether she was your mother. And if she’s more of the former example above than the latter, then forgive my blathering. By the way, if you decide you want to get rid of her - if my husband or his family told me I was his grandmother I would have run screaming for the hills. And had therapy for years! :laugh:
 
my daughter in law, my mom


Thanks all for more input on this situation. I like your thoughts about this being more of an issue between my son and daughter in law and the heart of the matter is their former relationship.


I think he would be very open to a past life regression and will definetly keep that in mind. I'd like to have another one myself and possibly something will come up about my mom and our past life relationships.


Sister grey you make a good point in explaining what abusers to to keep their mate away from the family. I can look back and see that in another marriage in the family.


Out of the box, Im checking out the surrogate EFT on youtube, sounds like a great idea.
 
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